Hard times just keep comming

[Cloudy Days]

This past Saturday my Dad died suddenly, he was only 54. My husband seemed to have a harder time with it than I have. I deal with emotions differently than him. I feel very sad, it's a constant feeling, I cry when I am alone. He has been very supportive for the most part. But I have noticed he keeps nit picking things to get pissed off about when we have had a great supportive and loving day together. For instance, we are thinking about buying a home and he was telling me his plans for a fence. I didn't really agree with what he wanted to do because he wanted to put up a 10 foot privacy fence on land that is already about as private as you can get. I told him I didn't want to look out my windows and see a privacy fence I wanted to see my land. He became extremely irritated, started calling me names and it was just ridiculous. There have been several instances like this. So while he has been supportive for the most part he has been finding extremely stupid things to get pissed off about. Things that should be conversations about what we both want and they turn into him basically hating me for one reason or another. 2 Days after my father died he wanted me to go look at a house that would have been 2 hours from my mother. I told him no because of the drive to my work, I would have said no even before my father died and he told me I was choosing my mother over him and then gave me an ultimatum to choose him or my mother. I was pretty raw at the time told him word for word, "my dad died two days ago you can go F yourself".

I don't really know how to handle him because I have been so emotional I just start crying. He keeps saying I am selfish because I don't want to drive an hour to work and most of the homes he can find are about an hour or more away. Why can he not accept this? They are cheaper because of where they are, no jobs around them. I am sick of him looking at me like I am Satan just because I don't want to drive an hour to work. Meanwhile every single home we have looked at he has nit picked to death. It has to be a perfect house with everything he wants, but we don't have a perfect budget so it's basically impossible.

His therapist told us to hold off on making any big decisions, all he does, all day long is look for houses to buy!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Cloudy Days,

I am sorry for your loss. I understand that you are having a difficult time. When my father died, I was inconsolable. I don't even think I can remember anything that went on for several weeks after that as I was overwhelmed with grief.

I think my H ( who has traits) did the best he could to be sympathetic, but I don't think anything would have really helped me at the time. I cried all the time, like you do now. It is OK- this is normal. You should be able to cry. Although it gets better, you will always miss him and cry sometimes.

I agree with your T, do not make major decisions now when you are not fully yourself or able to focus.

Your H may not understand. If he says you are selfish- that could be his opinion- however, you don't have to agree with him. You can and should take care of yourself at this time. Grieving people are self centered- they are grieving and not able to focus on much else. However, it is totally normal and OK to do this. This is why people sometimes bring food to those who are grieving. Sometimes they forget to eat. Your H may resent that you are not focused on him right now, but you don't have to be.

Take care of yourself  

[Cloudy Days]

How do I get him to stop bringing something up? I had taken a loan out of my 401K thinking it was something we agreed on. He didn't have a problem with it when I first got it, I told him I just wanted to leave the money in the bank unless we really needed it, He wanted to buy a lot of things and he did, but once he had to help me pay it off he had a problem with it and he has not let it go. Even though he helped spend 1/2 of it, however he won't admit to it. So every time he gets even a little irritated with me he brings this up saying I don't communicate with him. I did communicate with him, he just doesn't remember anything. I told him that I cannot change the past and this is in the past. I cannot undo it. He needs to either forgive me or move on. He says that he forgives me but turns around and brings it up again and again. I am sick of it being thrown in my face.

[Notwendy]

You can't really get anyone to do or not do something. We can't control the actions of someone else. The only choice we really have is what we choose to do. I understand that it is upsetting to have something brought up that can not be changed, and if you have resolved it, there really is nothing more for you to apologize for.

In general, people choose a behavior because in some way, it benefits them. If he keeps bringing this up, maybe it is to make him feel better, or something else. He may bring it up because it works to upset you. You can control your reaction. One idea would be if you don't respond to him when he brings it up, or JADE. get into a heated discussion, he may see that it doesn't work to bring it up. You don't have to be rude, but if he brings it up, you can validate his feelings ( not the facts ) and then move on. " Yes, I understand that you want me to know that you paid it back, I do know that, and thank you" then state your wish " I do not wish to discuss this right now" and move on.

Yes, he might get angry, or keep pushing you to talk. You might need to go to another room- but it takes two to have a heated discussion. However, you don't have to discuss it.

Your T can help you with these kinds of situations. It is good that you have support right now. Your H may not be able to be as empathetic as you wish he was. Get support for your grief- from your T, or a support group, and take care of yourself.

[Grey Kitty]

How do I get him to stop bringing something up?

You cannot stop him from bringing something up.


You can, refuse to discuss it with him. And if he won't talk about other things, you can go away so you don't talk about it. A simple boundary enforcement might sound like this: (I'm guessing that gentle attempts to change the subject don't work or don't last)

I won't discuss buying a house with you now.