boundaries work

[momtara]

So for two years, my ex has on and off harassed me before or after the kids' phone calls.  He'll send texts saying I 'interfered' in the calls by coaxing them to talk.  He'll ask me to not use speaker phone (they're babies; they can't hold the phone).  He has claimed the kids didn't get on when they did, and called back 6x.  At first I would text back defending and clarifiying, in case obviously it goes to court, etc.  I wanted to show a judge I wasn't withholding them like he said.

But two years is a bit too long to do this, and the calls shouldn't result in a half hour of my being frazzled.  (Yes, I know some people have it much worse! My ex is tame compared to some.)  Anyhow, now my ex wants to go to Facetime on the phone, so I explained that we could do it once a week on a trial basis *IF* he stops x and y behavior with the phone calls first.  I also said it is indeed a trial, and if any bickering results after he talks to the kids, it will stop and we'll deal with it via a parent coordinator or court.  I said we could do it for a month this way and then look at it again.

We had our first 5-minute video chat last weekend and it turned out nice.   Then he sent me a bunch of texts yesterday saying he wanted to do video again that night, even though it wasn't time yet.  He claimed that our kids said they wanted to show him something.  (They never said anything like that).  I actually think video will be great for our situation, but I want to take it slow and set boundaries first.

I agonized all day about how to respond to his texts.  He sent several of them throughout the day.  In the end, I did what I've leanred to do here - sent a concise, simple message setting a boundary.

I wrote:  "I would love to eventually go to more frequent video chats, but for now I want to stick to the plan we agreed to so we can make sure it goes well without any problems."

My note started nice and sympathetic, but was firm too.  In the past, I would have argued back against what he'd said, and it would have gone on for days.

So his response was simply an email saying:

"Fair enough"

I was amazed at how it worked out, especially after agonizing!  Boundaries don't always work, but in this case they did.  (In a more heated argument I'd have to consider the situation.)

[ogopogodude]

Don't get too excited. 

A BPD person will try to see if this boundary you have set is made out of a concrete footing, or just a line drawn in the sand that can be erased and re-drawn at anyone's will.

[momtara]

True.  I do tend to get so relieved, and then as soon as he is triggered, he gets worse. 

But it's a start.  Instead of agonizing for days, I wrote the one sentence and moved on... .so I'm learning slowly.

[whirlpoollife]

  . Good work momtara.

[livednlearned]

 

I smiled when I saw the title of your thread.

Celebrate the victories no matter how small they are. Each one counts.

Your note to him was really good, a version of SET (support, empathy, truth).

[momtara]

Thanks!

Yes, these days I need to celebrate small victories. We all do!

Thanks for the support as always, guys!

[Panda39]

Nice job!