Day 1: NC

[mrwigand]

Finally decided to go no contact with my BPDex girlfriend. We actually ended things on good terms, and I wanted there to possibly be a friendship - and I'm not ruling that out - but right now I need to heal.

The relationship was strained because of a toxic relationship she had with an ex boyfriend. She claimed he was emotionally abusive and possessive and she came to me for support about this a lot. I thought she was getting past that, but she couldn't let him go. He was emotionally unstable, and she told me she wanted to save him. Whatever was going on between them was certainly dysfunctional because he came back into town and the two were caught shoplifting together.

Despite the fact that she always framed him as an abusive presence in her life, she never seemed to be able to shake an attachment she had to him. It seemed emotionally intimate and co-dependent. There were a lot of "he's a son of a b___, but he knows me better than anyone else, and he's the only one who understands". I think it's absolutely her choice to keep whoever she wants in her life, but being caught in that web became painful. The first time we broke was because I asked her not to text him (they texted constantly) when we were together.

Anyway, i tried to maintain a friendship. We were hanging out and I saw her texting him repeatedly. Again, I respect her decision to communicate with whoever she wants, it's just I can't be around that personally. It brings up too much pain for me.

[GrowThroughIt]

Finally decided to go no contact with my BPDex girlfriend. We actually ended things on good terms, and I wanted there to possibly be a friendship - and I'm not ruling that out - but right now I need to heal.

The relationship was strained because of a toxic relationship she had with an ex boyfriend. She claimed he was emotionally abusive and possessive and she came to me for support about this a lot. I thought she was getting past that, but she couldn't let him go. He was emotionally unstable, and she told me she wanted to save him. Whatever was going on between them was certainly dysfunctional because he came back into town and the two were caught shoplifting together.

Despite the fact that she always framed him as an abusive presence in her life, she never seemed to be able to shake an attachment she had to him. It seemed emotionally intimate and co-dependent. There were a lot of "he's a son of a b___, but he knows me better than anyone else, and he's the only one who understands". I think it's absolutely her choice to keep whoever she wants in her life, but being caught in that web became painful. The first time we broke was because I asked her not to text him (they texted constantly) when we were together.

Anyway, i tried to maintain a friendship. We were hanging out and I saw her texting him repeatedly. Again, I respect her decision to communicate with whoever she wants, it's just I can't be around that personally. It brings up too much pain for me.

Hey.

I've been there, done that.

I have one bit of advice for you, and I have to keep it short as I need to go (hopefully, I'll expand on this later!), MrWigand, run. Run and do not look back. This may seem harsh right now, but hopefully when I do expand on the why, you'll see it's not harsh at all.

Keep up the No Contact. Hopefully, we'll catch up soon! Until then stay strong!

[Keysmiami]

I'm day three and it's killing me. I think I could could just reach out to her and things would be normal. But no they never will why because she's sick.

[Heldfast]

Mine left me at the spur of the moment for an ex of 7 years before who she claims she hated, couldn't stand thought of, was an emotional abuser, etc etc, right after we got engaged.

Stay strong. If you want to write her so badly, write it out, or send it to a friend who understands. Get someone to talk to, unload it all, and take care of yourself. Above all, take care of yourself. I found writing out everything I wanted to say, good and bad, both about her, us, and what she'd done was tremendously cathartic.

[Rifka]

Finally decided to go no contact with my BPDex girlfriend. We actually ended things on good terms, and I wanted there to possibly be a friendship - and I'm not ruling that out - but right now I need to heal.

The relationship was strained because of a toxic relationship she had with an ex boyfriend. She claimed he was emotionally abusive and possessive and she came to me for support about this a lot. I thought she was getting past that, but she couldn't let him go. He was emotionally unstable, and she told me she wanted to save him. Whatever was going on between them was certainly dysfunctional because he came back into town and the two were caught shoplifting together.

Despite the fact that she always framed him as an abusive presence in her life, she never seemed to be able to shake an attachment she had to him. It seemed emotionally intimate and co-dependent. There were a lot of "he's a son of a b___, but he knows me better than anyone else, and he's the only one who understands". I think it's absolutely her choice to keep whoever she wants in her life, but being caught in that web became painful. The first time we broke was because I asked her not to text him (they texted constantly) when we were together.

Anyway, i tried to maintain a friendship. We were hanging out and I saw her texting him repeatedly. Again, I respect her decision to communicate with whoever she wants, it's just I can't be around that personally. It brings up too much pain for me.

I agree run!

I'm 6 months out! I don't want to be friends with somebody who is not capable of bring anything true or truthful to a friendship. They LIE, LIE, LIE! The exes are rarely bad people, they are just like us and the BPD percieved that story, so it is! It's also a trap to triangulate us to save them, which seems to work well over and over, so it's the same for the next non. You will probably be the horror story for the next man she wants to bring in. It's just what it is! Not pretty, but read the stories here and you will see it over and over.

When things started to turn to crazy, I contact the devil herself as expressed by my exBPD ( his ex wife # 1 ). Me and his ex spoke for 5 hours straight that night! She is an amazing , beautiful, kind, empathic woman that I now speak to all of the time. I love her and we have a great respect for each other.

If she came to you originally without creating a pity me story, you probably would have passed her up and she completely knew that, so the story began!

It's not about them, it's about us and our need to rescue.

The real friend you need is yourself! Be good to you!

Rifka

[jhkbuzz]

Finally decided to go no contact with my BPDex girlfriend. We actually ended things on good terms, and I wanted there to possibly be a friendship - and I'm not ruling that out - but right now I need to heal.

The relationship was strained because of a toxic relationship she had with an ex boyfriend. She claimed he was emotionally abusive and possessive and she came to me for support about this a lot. I thought she was getting past that, but she couldn't let him go. He was emotionally unstable, and she told me she wanted to save him. Whatever was going on between them was certainly dysfunctional because he came back into town and the two were caught shoplifting together.

Despite the fact that she always framed him as an abusive presence in her life, she never seemed to be able to shake an attachment she had to him. It seemed emotionally intimate and co-dependent. There were a lot of "he's a son of a b___, but he knows me better than anyone else, and he's the only one who understands". I think it's absolutely her choice to keep whoever she wants in her life, but being caught in that web became painful. The first time we broke was because I asked her not to text him (they texted constantly) when we were together.

Anyway, i tried to maintain a friendship. We were hanging out and I saw her texting him repeatedly. Again, I respect her decision to communicate with whoever she wants, it's just I can't be around that personally. It brings up too much pain for me.

Glad to hear that you made such a healthy, life-affirming, self-respecting decision - good for you!

[mrwigand]

Thanks everyone for the responses! It's hilarious, I'm only at day 2 and I'm already almost cracking . Haven't done it yet and hopefully I won't. Just thinking about her a lot. Wondering if she's thinking about me. Ha, you know standard stuff I guess.

[ta777]

Thanks everyone for the responses! It's hilarious, I'm only at day 2 and I'm already almost cracking . Haven't done it yet and hopefully I won't. Just thinking about her a lot. Wondering if she's thinking about me. Ha, you know standard stuff I guess.

Stay strong and don't break! I'm almost 3 months out now and I still think about my ex every day, all day pretty much but it does get better. The pain does subside. As lame as it sounds, with time it'll be easier to maintain your NC and heal.

[Keysmiami]

What's the goal of this nc? Is it to settle things down or to initiate a recycle? What has been your experience?

[mrwigand]

We've already recycled several times. The purpose of the recycle is for me to heal, get over her I guess. Maybe we can be friends down the road, but right now things are a little too raw. I still feel caught in that web (still caring if she's texting her ex, etc.) That doesn't strike me as a friendship attachment, so I think I need some distance. It's more about my grieving process than anything she's done. Like I said we ended on good terms, and she's actually respectful of my boundaries since the breakup.

[Aussie JJ]

NC is an interesting topic, for all of us their are similarities in our stories however its a tool for US.  Gives us time (separation, distance) to process our own issues and deal with our own problems away from the other person. 

Often, NC lets us get over the addictive nature of the relationship.  Consider it cold turkey!  Your not having a drink from something that you have been drinking from for a long time.  Just like people going cold turkey (even quiting smoke's!) having supports is important.  I know for myself I came here asking questions about what I was going through emotionally at the start of NC as it was all a big blur. 

How are you feeling today, what are the things that your having trouble getting out of your head.  These kind of things, you have a great support network here that can give you some of our examples and maybe show some of the things that worked for us in figuring it all out. 


AJJ. 

[Rifka]

We've already recycled several times. The purpose of the recycle is for me to heal, get over her I guess. Maybe we can be friends down the road, but right now things are a little too raw. I still feel caught in that web (still caring if she's texting her ex, etc.) That doesn't strike me as a friendship attachment, so I think I need some distance. It's more about my grieving process than anything she's done. Like I said we ended on good terms, and she's actually respectful of my boundaries since the breakup.

I'm sorry to maybe show you another scenario, but it's important.

You are thinking and processing from a mentally healthy mind, hers is not. What we think is respect from them is our own idea of what respect is for us.

This is called being in the fog. n/c will give you space to think clearer and hopefully after a lot of work on yourself, bring you to work on you.

Quite possibly she is really not respecting your boundries but is completely engulfed in the honeymoon stages with your replacement so you are not on her radar right now. You will find that the minute they are triggered with the replacement they will possibly come back to any exes who have left that door open for them.

[GrowThroughIt]

Finally decided to go no contact with my BPDex girlfriend. We actually ended things on good terms, and I wanted there to possibly be a friendship - and I'm not ruling that out - but right now I need to heal.

The relationship was strained because of a toxic relationship she had with an ex boyfriend. She claimed he was emotionally abusive and possessive and she came to me for support about this a lot. I thought she was getting past that, but she couldn't let him go. He was emotionally unstable, and she told me she wanted to save him. Whatever was going on between them was certainly dysfunctional because he came back into town and the two were caught shoplifting together.

Despite the fact that she always framed him as an abusive presence in her life, she never seemed to be able to shake an attachment she had to him. It seemed emotionally intimate and co-dependent. There were a lot of "he's a son of a b___, but he knows me better than anyone else, and he's the only one who understands". I think it's absolutely her choice to keep whoever she wants in her life, but being caught in that web became painful. The first time we broke was because I asked her not to text him (they texted constantly) when we were together.

Anyway, i tried to maintain a friendship. We were hanging out and I saw her texting him repeatedly. Again, I respect her decision to communicate with whoever she wants, it's just I can't be around that personally. It brings up too much pain for me.

Hey.

I've been there, done that.

I have one bit of advice for you, and I have to keep it short as I need to go (hopefully, I'll expand on this later!), MrWigand, run. Run and do not look back. This may seem harsh right now, but hopefully when I do expand on the why, you'll see it's not harsh at all.

Keep up the No Contact. Hopefully, we'll catch up soon! Until then stay strong!

My experience was similar. Got talking to a girl who had broken up with her ex VERY recently    (in actual fact he left to get away for a bit so he could sleep around without her harrassing him). Anyway, cut a long story short, her ex was this really crap guy etc, and to be honest he was. He was not mentally stable, and looking back on it, I can see that he is uNPD. Anyway, silly me felt sorry for her and we got into a relationship   

So she was right about him. HOWEVER, she could not really stay away from him. She is I believe uN/BPD but at the time I didn't know that. I thought she was just trying to work through her breakup as best as she could. There were times when she would completely cut contact with him, block his calls etc. At the time I thought she was trying to move on, now I see it was all about control and the feeling of revenge on her part. She changed her number, yet he somehow got it. She would swear blind she did not want him back etc, but even after she got a harrasment order against him, SHE contacted him! In the end, I'm here picking up the pieces whilst she tries to make things work with him. I was used and I don't think both of us even realised it at first. But now I can see near the end she knew exactly what she was doing (well at least she thought she did!) Sorry about the vague back story, just want to cut to the point which is... .

I know how you feel. You have a lot of love to give and you want to "save" this girl. You want to show her that there is better out there, that better being you! It's almost like we was/are looking for validation by her rejection of her ex and her acceptance of us. And when she contacts someone we believe to be "inferior" to us, it makes us feel devalued.

Simply put, she is a grown woman. She should have the insight into herself and be able to put her addiction for him to the side, amd concentrate on what is ACTUALLY right for her. Look at it like this, we felt the heat of the fire and we are on here already and reflecting, looking for answers. While she does what? Shoplifts? Carries on in an egocentric pretentious manner? Also, how much self worth must she have to keep running back to a guy who was so bad? And how much self worth do we have to always be there for a girl who doesn't truly appreciate it? She is with her "ex" emotionally. I did what you did at one point, make excuses for her. She isn't respecting your boundaries, she's just happy playing with her "ex" for now.

Lol, I could be totally wrong about all this! Sorry about not being as thorough as I should be, it's hard to type this all on my phone whilst ill in bed!

If you want to ask anything just message me!

[Heldfast]

Knowthyself, could I get that backstory? Have a feeling it sounds like mine. Exvept in this case her ex is likely uBPD, and unfortunately she is dxd but refuses to accept. She's already long gone and moved cross.country to be with him. Oh well, greener pastures.

[nowwhatz]

I am in the same boat man. Day 1.  Been here before but always recycled after a while when she would come back in tears all apologetic etc.   I know what you are going through.