Spinning herself out of control Part 2

[maxsterling]

Well, the update here -

- she has still mostly stepped out of the wedding planning.  She still obsesses over it, and has made a few comments that trend toward attempts at micromanaging me, but so far she has removed herself from most of the tasks that have caused her stress.

- she admits that her personality and communication skills are what is causing vendors to not want to work with her.  She has a slightly different reality, though, thinking that these vendors are abandoning her, and I see it as the other way around.  She paints them black, dumps her demands on them, and then they back out.  She said she is going to work with her AA sponsor on this. 

- She admits her dad is mostly right in that she makes poor decisions and ruins things.  Still calls him a jerk, though.

- She now wants me to handle all communication with vendors for fear she will ruin something else.

So, back to this self-awareness stage.

This quote is from just over a week ago, Max... .what has changed that has given her the power to decide on Rabbis and singers?  Why is she dealing with the small stuff again?   

What has to happen for her to get back to the self-awareness stage?

Sounds like you're on the loopiest roller coaster in town!

Hang in there, friend.  You have such patience.

c.

Beats me!  She said she was stepping out, that she would handle her dress and the rest up to me.  Fine.  Two days later, she wants to be involved again, I reminded her of her desire to step out.  She claims she never said that, and would never say that.  The day after, she expressed the same desire - to do nothing  .  Loopy roller coaster indeed.  The problem is, she sees me doing stuff, then feels obligated to help.  She gets free time, won't go to bed, and just takes it up again all on her own.  I try to tell her to put it away, and she won't.  Every day it's the same thing - she hates weddings, sick of doing things, I tell her that if she is sick of it she needs to STOP.  She claims she can't stop. 

Really, there isn't much left to do!  The only way this is still stress is dealing with family, and going back over decisions that have already been made.  What's next?  Something thinks that over the next two weeks she will reconsider having the rabbi and wish we hadn't fired the previous officiant... .

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[Crumbling]

The problem is, she sees me doing stuff, then feels obligated to help. 

FOG alert! FOG alert!  You know about FOG, right?  Fear, Obligation Guilt

I would guess her thoughts are:

I'm scared this wedding wont be perfect, it's my job to make it so, I'm an awful person for making him do all this work.  Let me at it.

This might be the answer to 'why she keeps dysregulating' question.

Really, there isn't much left to do!  The only way this is still stress is dealing with family, and going back over decisions that have already been made.  What's next?  Something thinks that over the next two weeks she will reconsider having the rabbi and wish we hadn't fired the previous officiant... .

Remind me again, how long you have before the wedding?

[MaroonLiquid]

It's also the drama that she wants to be involved in to take her mind off of herself.  Just my $.02... .I think all pwBPD do that.  The best defense from herself is a good offense with other things... .My wife will get her hands in as many things as she can, one for self worth, and the other to "ignore" the issues with herself.  Then she is "too busy" for them... .

[maxsterling]

yep, FOG alert on her end.  Not sure how I can remind her to let me handle things.  About all I do is work hard, go about what I know needs to get done, and try to give her less stressful tasks if she asks to help.  If she dysregulates, I try to validate and move on.

A little over three weeks until the wedding.  But the more important date is her Psychiatrist intake appointment for this Thursday.  

[Crumbling]

Boy, no wonder she is a mess, that would make me nervous, too.  It maybe perfect timing, tho... .something else to focus on.

Not sure how I can remind her to let me handle things.  

I don't know for sure, I'm just brainstorming here, but what if you took a more proactive approach?  What about validating before she dysregs.  If seeing you work on the wedding planning puts her in a FOG, then can it be done outside of her presence?   Probably not always do-able, likely, but in some circumstances?

What about, say a call comes in while the two of you are together, and it's obviously something about the wedding, could you approach the discussion with her in a way that could alleviate her sense of obligation?  ... .it's been too long since I've planned a wedding, I can't seem to think of any real examples.    

But you know, recognizing that there are things to take care of, you are happy to take care of them, and you are really proud of her for doing what is best, in spite of her, most likely, really natural desire to want to be in charge of her own wedding ... .when she is keeping her nose out of things.  Recognizing that it must be hard for her to step back is where I would start.  Seeing her struggle and being proud of her for doing what is best.  

Re-enforce positive behaviours, remove the rewards for negative behaviours... .that's the theory, now to figure out how to put it into practice. 

[maxsterling]

Excellent advice, Crumbling.  That's the direction I have been trying to go in.  Validating has stemmed the tide of some of it,  and so has positive reinforcement.  I try to do all wedding stuff while on break at work, or when I am home and she is out for the very reason you mentioned.  When I am home and she is home, I try to turn it off and get her to do something else with me (like watch a movie).  But, that doesn't always work.  Last night, I turned on a movie in hopes she would sit with me.  Instead, she stayed up doing this or that, and at 11pm came in and wanted to discuss wedding stuff. 

The problem with validating before she dysregulates is that often this isn't even an option.  She is already dysregulating on her own while I am at work, and then she calls me up frantic.  At that point, it has reached a point of no return.  Another night I was out for an hour and a half.  While I was gone, she wound herself up.  All it took was me opening the door to ignite an intense rage that ended with me leaving the house, her being violent, and me calling the police.

[Grey Kitty]

yep, FOG alert on her end.  Not sure how I can remind her to let me handle things.

"Wife, you said that you were too stressed and creating problems when you dealt with things, and asked me to take over for you.

I am done sharing this planning with you. It is too stressful for me the way you are asking me to do things and getting involved in everything you told me you wanted me to do.

Unless you will let me do it all, I'm DONE with the planning of it. If you send one more email to a vendor, I'm through with all of them."

Only do this if you really are this fed up. Are you there yet, Max?

[Crumbling]

   Geez, things sound rough, Max. 

I have to say it... .I hoping you're fed up enough to follow GK's guidance... .

It sounds like you did really well with stopping the rage, Max.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.   

blessings,

c.