Why did I buy into the argument? ? so dumb

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Well I probably did a stupid thing today ie bought into a unwinnable argument with BPD ex dil.  We collect gd from school one week day every week when we are home and take her to family dinner. We won't be here next week so Texted ex dil to let her know and asked her to acknowledge the text so we knew all relevant parties know.  The texts later ie did you receive my texts over a few days she finally replied with "message received". I then sent another text saying "could she reply to texts as we worry about gd being left stranded". Her reply "stop abusing me I am busy" ! I really should have bought out of it at this stage but being a bit over the double standards ie she constantly sends abusive texts complaining if we or son don't answer her texts,  I replied! Stupid I know. I replied " I am not abusing you but it seems we just want the same thing an answer to our texts and you don't like it either when we don't reply to you". Grave mistake.  Her reply "if you can't stop being a mean ex mil don't contact me".

Now we don't have much contact and we do go out of our way to help gd,  pay for music take her to shows etc with never a thank you just grumbles and nasty comments. Last week she was nasty when we delivered gd back 30 minutes late despite warning ex dil as gd needed something for school the next day. Once again no thank you just painting us black to son.

I guess this morning I was just over the nastiness when indirectly we help her.  I know there is nothing really we can do about.  I suppose I am just venting.

What do others do in this situation apart from not be as dumb as I was today! And I actually wasn't angry just a bit over her attitude! !

[mother in law]

Well I probably did a stupid thing today ie bought into a unwinnable argument with BPD ex dil.  We collect gd from school one week day every week when we are home and take her to family dinner. We won't be here next week so Texted ex dil to let her know and asked her to acknowledge the text so we knew all relevant parties know.  The texts later ie did you receive my texts over a few days she finally replied with "message received". I then sent another text saying "could she reply to texts as we worry about gd being left stranded". Her reply "stop abusing me I am busy" ! I really should have bought out of it at this stage but being a bit over the double standards ie she constantly sends abusive texts complaining if we or son don't answer her texts,  I replied! Stupid I know. I replied " I am not abusing you but it seems we just want the same thing an answer to our texts and you don't like it either when we don't reply to you". Grave mistake.  Her reply "if you can't stop being a mean ex mil don't contact me".

Now we don't have much contact and we do go out of our way to help gd,  pay for music take her to shows etc with never a thank you just grumbles and nasty comments. Last week she was nasty when we delivered gd back 30 minutes late despite warning ex dil as gd needed something for school the next day. Once again no thank you just painting us black to son.

I guess this morning I was just over the nastiness when indirectly we help her.  I know there is nothing really we can do about.  I suppose I am just venting.

What do others do in this situation apart from not be as dumb as I was today! And I actually wasn't angry just a bit over her attitude! !

[mother in law]

I apologized to gd tonight as I knew she would cop the fallout from my hasty comments to her mother.  Her reply with a grin on her face was "I ignored her as she kept saying go on take their side everyone just wants me dead! " I was floored. I didn't really know what to say but I hugged her and left it at that.  Have suggested that son talk to her.  Such emotional black mail and manipulation how do these kids survive.  I think her mother stealing gd's savings (in previous posts) has been a turning point for gd and she is gaining strength not to buy into the garbage.  I should have been the same yesterday!

[Kwamina]

Such emotional black mail and manipulation how do these kids survive.

Well... .surviving isn't easy but it does help that you talked to your granddaughter and also do your best to be involved in her life. There are many children of BPD parents on this board and I know from personal experience that it really helps if they have some positive adult influence in their lives that might give them at least some of the love and attention that they aren't getting from their own BPD parent.

What do others do in this situation apart from not be as dumb as I was today! And I actually wasn't angry just a bit over her attitude! !

This happens to the best of us. I suspect you weren't just reacting to this incident but also to certain past incidents. It might help to keep in mind the concept of J.A.D.E: Justify Argue Defend Explain. Are you familiar with J.A.D.E.? Whenever you feel provoked or the need to engage in circular arguments, just don't. Whenever you feel like justifying your behavior, arguing, defending or explaining yourself or counter-attacking, just don't. That's the key to J.A.D.E.: just don't. Easier said then done of course in the heat of the moment but if you keep repeating these kinds of things to yourself and keep practicing, I do believe it can become easier to not J.A.D.E.

Have you talked to your ex dil since this incident? If you have, how did it go?

[mother in law]

Hi kwamina. Thank you for your reply.  I am aware of jade and normally I don't react to her.  Sometimes I come here and vent and leave it at that.  This time I suspect I was completely over being painted black and having double standards rained down upon us even when we try so hard to help.

As said she often sends a text that she will be late and we sit and wait for her with no complaints however the week before gd was 30 minutes late as she had needed something for school the next day we took her to get it after texting ex dil and warning her(she acknowledged the text and said ok). Exdil does not drive I might add so we thought it would help and all we got was a barrage of anger that gd was late. I don't expect a thank you or gratefulness (better not to expect something you are not going to get! !) But I also didn't expect a load of crap ( excuse the expression but I cannot think of another) after telling her and helping. And this is not the 1st time.

Even gd said to gf when they were talking exdil should be happy we bought it she didn't have to go out and she saved money. I will try to behave in future! !

I am glad though that gd is learning to deal with her and the situation it is so hard for children.