Putting things into perspective

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Being trapped among the fog is an extremely taunting experience which I can certainly relate to, but here is something I concluded using my own psychology when I was still in the fog, maybe it could be used as food for thought or even start a debate so here it goes:

You can NEVER win!

You should be loved for YOU, let me explain, you start of as YOU you meet the guy/girl Borderline everything is great both on equal ground during the initial honeymoon period, then all of a sudden you come to terms with the fact that she/he is complaining that you dont make enough money, even though they arent even working, you also find that she looks at other guys and says "hes hot" or "hes got a lush body" YOU then feel compelled to better yourself to meet her/his expectations, you start losing weight, going to the gym to better yourself because you feel like you are always in competition with others.  As you can see they never loved you for YOU, if that was the case you wouldn't always have been compared to random strangers.  Now lets talk further as to why you can never win, 6 months go by you know have a better paying job, you have looked the best you have ever looked, you feel confident and your whole mentality has changed for the better.  The Borderline now gets extremely jealous because you are receiving compliments on your new job and weight loss, she/he now hates the fact that she feels worthless next to you and rages with jealous aggression because in her/his head is now thinking "He/she is getting more attention now what if they leave me?" so in theory you trying to meet the needs of the borderline cant be justified, you wanted to meet their expectations because at the start the YOU we thought they loved wasn't the case and if it was the case they why were you compared to others in the first place?

The only people that are destined for borderlines are the ones that grew up with a similar background, someone who has the same destructive behavior as them, maybe an alcoholic/ drug addict, why am I saying this? solely because a borderline is going to feel in control when dating these types of people on the principle that he NEEDS her just as much as she needs him, she is able to control the situation a lot more when dating such people.  Where as dating the co dependant who works overtime to give her/him a better life is only going to suffer in the long run, solely because we have a purpose, we have a path in life we want to follow, where as the majority of Borderlines dont they just swing from branch to branch trying to avoid falling, but when they cling to the branch for to long (you) they know eventually its going to snap.

I also concluded this in my own head, there are 3 types of people in this world:

Survivors (the Cluster Bs)

The fighters (the ones that always complain how hard life is, but wont do anything to combat this)

The providers (the Co- dependent type that work hard to support their family)


My exes mum always used to say we are survivors remember we must survive, in my eyes (personal opinion) the survivors are never going to go out and earn a decent living, 1 because they were never taught to and 2 because why should they if they know they can latch on to the providers?

The fighters are the recovering drug addicts you see on the dole, they fight in the sense of trying to get better, they dont latch onto the providers because they know they are the ones that have to fix this mess.

The providers probably make up like 99.9% of this community, so if this is the case why are we falling in love with the survivors? we should be focusing on healthy relationships with other NONs, the ones that dont get paranoid when we are at work, the ones that text others while we are at work because they arent getting our attention, the ones that dont rage when you dont text back fast enough, this should be everyone's aim here, drop the survivors and look for another provider type.

A bit of food for thought- Survivors (Cluster Bs) have learnt to survive from a very young age, their whole live is revolved around surviving, so if that is the case leave them alone and let them get on with what they know best to do which is surviving, because if we dont we are only going to get burnt again! 

                 

[jammo1989]

Being trapped among the fog is an extremely taunting experience which I can certainly relate to, but here is something I concluded using my own psychology when I was still in the fog, maybe it could be used as food for thought or even start a debate so here it goes:

You can NEVER win!

You should be loved for YOU, let me explain, you start of as YOU you meet the guy/girl Borderline everything is great both on equal ground during the initial honeymoon period, then all of a sudden you come to terms with the fact that she/he is complaining that you dont make enough money, even though they arent even working, you also find that she looks at other guys and says "hes hot" or "hes got a lush body" YOU then feel compelled to better yourself to meet her/his expectations, you start losing weight, going to the gym to better yourself because you feel like you are always in competition with others.  As you can see they never loved you for YOU, if that was the case you wouldn't always have been compared to random strangers.  Now lets talk further as to why you can never win, 6 months go by you know have a better paying job, you have looked the best you have ever looked, you feel confident and your whole mentality has changed for the better.  The Borderline now gets extremely jealous because you are receiving compliments on your new job and weight loss, she/he now hates the fact that she feels worthless next to you and rages with jealous aggression because in her/his head is now thinking "He/she is getting more attention now what if they leave me?" so in theory you trying to meet the needs of the borderline cant be justified, you wanted to meet their expectations because at the start the YOU we thought they loved wasn't the case and if it was the case they why were you compared to others in the first place?

The only people that are destined for borderlines are the ones that grew up with a similar background, someone who has the same destructive behavior as them, maybe an alcoholic/ drug addict, why am I saying this? solely because a borderline is going to feel in control when dating these types of people on the principle that he NEEDS her just as much as she needs him, she is able to control the situation a lot more when dating such people.  Where as dating the co dependant who works overtime to give her/him a better life is only going to suffer in the long run, solely because we have a purpose, we have a path in life we want to follow, where as the majority of Borderlines dont they just swing from branch to branch trying to avoid falling, but when they cling to the branch for to long (you) they know eventually its going to snap.

I also concluded this in my own head, there are 3 types of people in this world:

Survivors (the Cluster Bs)

The fighters (the ones that always complain how hard life is, but wont do anything to combat this)

The providers (the Co- dependent type that work hard to support their family)


My exes mum always used to say we are survivors remember we must survive, in my eyes (personal opinion) the survivors are never going to go out and earn a decent living, 1 because they were never taught to and 2 because why should they if they know they can latch on to the providers?

The fighters are the recovering drug addicts you see on the dole, they fight in the sense of trying to get better, they dont latch onto the providers because they know they are the ones that have to fix this mess.

The providers probably make up like 99.9% of this community, so if this is the case why are we falling in love with the survivors? we should be focusing on healthy relationships with other NONs, the ones that dont get paranoid when we are at work, the ones that text others while we are at work because they arent getting our attention, the ones that dont rage when you dont text back fast enough, this should be everyone's aim here, drop the survivors and look for another provider type.

A bit of food for thought- Survivors (Cluster Bs) have learnt to survive from a very young age, their whole live is revolved around surviving, so if that is the case leave them alone and let them get on with what they know best to do which is surviving, because if we dont we are only going to get burnt again! 

                 

[raisins3142]

Famous saying that is very BPD:

"Never apologize for how you chose to survive"

My ex BPD gf loved that one.  The keyword here is "chose", maybe they did choose, but if they did they chose poorly.  There were better ways to survive that hurt fewer people available to them.