More contact

[Ripped Heart]

After 2 weeks of NC, exBPDgf broke contact last week in a panic about her car insurance. This was followed up by several frantic messages before things finally subsided, she apologised for contacting me and was under the assumption I hated her.

Rather than remain NC, I responded about her situation and brought things to a calm conclusion or so I thought. Another text message tonight, very plain and very simple:

Heyyy. Thinking about you. Hope you are ok? How are the girls? hope their ok too xx

Given the situation I have going on right now with other things, I've chosen not to respond. It's only been a week since I put her mind at ease and left things on a calm and friendly note. Heard nothing from her all week and mistakenly thought we were both on the same page in terms of finality and that there was no real room for friendship. I assured her that she wasn't hated, she told me she was sorry and that she didn't deserve me, I told her I knew about the affairs way back in December, we finally had closure on the fact that I was hurt but not angry and accepted her path. We said our goodbyes and there was closure.

Now I get a text message like it's a friend checking in to see how I am. All I can think is that it's the start of the month and more bills coming out.

[tjay933]

boy do you have your hands full tonight or what? when it rains it pours. sorry you're having to deal with so much at the same time.

[Ripped Heart]

tjay, they say bad things always happen in 3's, usually in my case it's just 2's 

When I split with exBPDgf, my ex-wife resurfaced the following day though to be fair she was kind of showing up on the radar a couple of weeks before.

Tonight, dealing with my friend I'm actually kind of thankful that my exBPDgf only sent that message and that there was no bombardment or texts and emails, suicide threats or her having a crisis she wanted me to resolve. Still, I was out grocery shopping when her text came through and had to find a quiet aisle because my eyes welled up.

That's why I haven't responded to her message because there is enough on my plate today without introducing more to it. Tomorrow, I'll take my friend home, can't see anything else on the horizon right so no doubt if I haven't responded to exBPDgf by then, the bombardment should start tomorrow evening some time. Deal with one issue at a time 

[tjay933]

awesome attitude. 

i like to think of the bad days as "one day at a time". sometimes it's one minute or one hour at a time depending on how bad it is.

hopefully you don't get the third hit tonight? if so, do what i do when all seems to go wrong, just start laughing meniacally until everyone runs away. . if all else fails, eat chocolate-it's my cure for anything that ails you.   just remember to get the good chocolate-the bad stuff just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

[Ripped Heart]

awesome attitude. 

i like to think of the bad days as "one day at a time". sometimes it's one minute or one hour at a time depending on how bad it is.

hopefully you don't get the third hit tonight? if so, do what i do when all seems to go wrong, just start laughing meniacally until everyone runs away. . if all else fails, eat chocolate-it's my cure for anything that ails you.   just remember to get the good chocolate-the bad stuff just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

I do both some days too. Chocolate always makes the world go round and some days I just have to laugh at how crazy it all is. I also know I bring some of it on myself because I have a tendency to pick up waifs and strays along the way.

The irony of it all and what I find really amusing is that last week during my therapy session, I told my therapist that although I love the calmness of not having everyone elses drama in my life there are still days when it feels too calm and I find myself on edge. As a soldier, you are taught that if it's too quiet something is about to go down and I attributed it to maybe some of the lessons I learned in the military. The other words I said to my T was that when it's too quiet I feel like poking the bear with a stick simply because I want to check where everyone is though it's just a passing thought and I don't act on it.

I guess I won't be telling my T it's been another quiet week this week. Guess I don't need to poke the bear either because the bears always find me when they awaken. Guess I need to learn to be more appreciative of those calm moments and trust my instincts that a storm is brewing on the horizon when it does happen.

[Ripped Heart]

So after getting some resolution on situation with my friend yesterday morning, I responded to exBPDgf's message tonight. Kept it plain and simple, told her everything was good and asked how she was.

The response back was unreal but expected and just highlighted the craziness that goes on inside her head. She's annoyed!

I've mentioned on the site before that she agreed to go on vacation with her friend, despite the impossibility of having the funds to do so given her financial situation. I didn't raise my concerns with her as that's her responsibility what she chooses to do or not to do. That later turned into her being angry with her friend because she felt "pressured" into going and her friend kept asking her for the money to pay for her part of the trip.

So the response I got back tonight was that she isn't going away next month now. Apparently her friend is really ill in hospital and requires an operation so they have had to cancel and she is angry that they aren't going now.

Given the lies and manipulation, I don't know how true that is. It could be that her friend is really ill or it could be she is covering for the fact she couldn't afford to go and her friend has pulled the plug on the trip. She's said similar things before which turned out to be lies so I take it with a pinch of salt and again, not my issue anymore.

What has me a little triggered and annoyed right now is that if her friend is really ill, my exBPDgf's first thought is about how it's affected her vacation and that she is angry with her friend that she isn't going away now. It really does highlight how crazy this disorder can be. That's what leads me to think that maybe her friend pulled the plug, because although she is still responsible, I could understand her getting angry towards her friend over that, but if your friend is seriously ill and cancels, surely your first thought it on hoping your friend recovers from their illness and not about how it has inconvenienced you.

This is more about my own understanding of the disorder because I can't see the logic behind why she would be angry at her friend over this. This is a learning process for me in order to be able to identify these kinds of behaviour and thought processes in the future and know what to avoid if it becomes present. For example, I don't necessarily want to put this down to triangulation though I do see elements of it there. Such as I would always take her away (and pay for her too) so being let down by her friend, the reasons are irrelevant to her but then reaches out to me again to "let me know" thus putting her friend as the role of persecutor and hoping for a rescue as now she has booked the time off work. Did she really expect me to answer with "I'll take you away somewhere if you like" instead of what I did send "Sorry to hear about your friend, hope she is ok, that the operation is successful and she is back on the road to recovery very soon. Sorry to hear your vacation plans have changed as a result of your friends unfortunate illness"

[tjay933]

good job with your ex.

as for understanding BPDs thought pattern, . I found one book very good for describing how/what they think called "the verbally abusive relationship" by ? I think Patricia Evans. basically, they live in a different reality than we do. it's called power-over. although the book doesn't specifically apply to pwBPD, it was very insightful and described the typical pwBPD precisely as, in my opinon, all pwBPD are verbally abusive. they have to one-up everyone in order to feel any power-constantly compete with everyone and anyone to make themselves look good. it's all about them. there is no "logic" behind their thoughts which is why it is so confusing to us. it is basically whatever will make them feel good at the time.

Keep learning and stay safe.