Frustrated

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi. My adult stepdaughter has narcissistic personality disorder and is the mother of beautiful children. She is separated. We have always had to constantly watch what we say, never question her and just play the game, otherwise she punishes us with control over our grandchildren. It's got to the stage that we can't do it anymore, as it is just too painful, and we can't allow her to control us any longer. She seems to take out her feelings on us, as she sees that we are very happy, and she resents this. She also dislikes her mother and her mother's partner, but tolerates her as she helps financially and seems to do her bidding. So sad for all, and we worry what is being said to the children, and how they will get through all the dramas to adulthood. Glad to find a group that I can relate to.

[Winny]

Hi. My adult stepdaughter has narcissistic personality disorder and is the mother of beautiful children. She is separated. We have always had to constantly watch what we say, never question her and just play the game, otherwise she punishes us with control over our grandchildren. It's got to the stage that we can't do it anymore, as it is just too painful, and we can't allow her to control us any longer. She seems to take out her feelings on us, as she sees that we are very happy, and she resents this. She also dislikes her mother and her mother's partner, but tolerates her as she helps financially and seems to do her bidding. So sad for all, and we worry what is being said to the children, and how they will get through all the dramas to adulthood. Glad to find a group that I can relate to.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello Winny, and 

It's so tough when a parent treats their children like objects in a power play to meet their needs. As a grandparent, it must be heartbreaking to watch. How old are the kids, and is their a possibility of contact with them apart from her (though social media, for example)? Does she alienate them against you, or do you sense that they fear her and thus mirror her feelings?

What specific things is she doing that are resulting in you being fed up? We have a discussion here on NPD, perhaps you can glean something helpful from it:

Dealing with narcissists by reinforcing the positive

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

As a child of a BPDm, all I can say is if my gran hadn't been around, things would have been so much worse. So I know it is hard for you, but your efforts will most certainly be appreciated.  This website also has loads of good advice, on how to make the situation more manageable. 

[DreamGirl]

Hi. My adult stepdaughter has narcissistic personality disorder and is the mother of beautiful children. She is separated. We have always had to constantly watch what we say, never question her and just play the game, otherwise she punishes us with control over our grandchildren. It's got to the stage that we can't do it anymore, as it is just too painful, and we can't allow her to control us any longer. She seems to take out her feelings on us, as she sees that we are very happy, and she resents this. She also dislikes her mother and her mother's partner, but tolerates her as she helps financially and seems to do her bidding. So sad for all, and we worry what is being said to the children, and how they will get through all the dramas to adulthood. Glad to find a group that I can relate to.

Hi Winny,

These situations are so hard when there are kiddos involved. 

When you're talking about her resentment, which can be a hard emotion for anyone, especially someone with a personality disorder --- do you think it's jealousy? fear?

Is your stepdaughter married? Is he any help at all?

Communication (and boundaries) can really help these kinds of situations. Sometimes we don't even realize that we're saying and doing things that are compounding the issues. A couple of simple steps to help reduce conflict can make a world of difference. It feels a lot less hopeless and I know that feeling all too well. 

How are things right now? 

~DG

[Winny]

Thank you for your responses. Since my husband and I met 19 years ago, my stepdaughter has hated our relationship and the fact that we are happy, even though we have tried to have an open loving relationship with her. She is secretive to the point of telling us nothing of her life, impossible to have a normal conversation with because we can never say anything to upset her, and lies to suit her situation. Among other things, she has accused me of stopping her father from seeing the grandchildren (which was said in front of the children) and we both found this very upsetting, as she is the one with total control. She has three children by three different fathers, and none of the fathers are allowed to see the children, so you can see what I mean about control. She has relationships with various men, which never work out, and each time this happens she seems to take it out on us. After her last breakup she has become particularly rude and uncaring to us, and shows absolutely no respect the way she talks to her father. It's come to the point that we can no longer deal with her anger and nastiness. She makes arrangements for us to see the kids, then changes them every time. We have had no contact now for six months. We have sent texts to the oldest grandchild who has responded to one, but we will keep trying. Goodness knows what she is telling the children about us. I have always told them that that we love them, and want to see them anytime.Unfortunately their mother is totally self obsessed, and is jealous of everyone around her, thinking its all about her. Years ago we went to a psychologist who advised us to keep out of her life. We couldn't do this becasue of the children, but things are as bad as they can get now. A very sad situation for all.

[Turkish]

How old are the kids, Winny? The eldest is old enough to text. Have you thought about asking her if it would be ok to call her? We talk her about validating the feelings of the pwBPD in our lives, but validation works with anyone, especially children... .and it's a good skill to learn when children have a parent with mental health issues, too. Have you seen the lessons to the right of the board?

[Winny]

Unfortunately there is no way she would allow us to have contact with the children, especially without her having total control. We have sent texts to the oldest who is 15 and have received one reply. We have an idea she monitors his phone. We even worry that cards etc we send to the children actually are given to them. We have been told by a member of the family that she has said nasty untrue things about us over the years in front of the children, so who knows what she is telling them now.Since her second breakup with her last partner who she was engaged to, things with all the family are worse. She was getting on with her only sibling, a brother, and his partner, but since they announced their engagement, she has had no contact, not even an acknowledgement of the engagement. So now she hates me and my husband, doesn't particularly like her mother (she didn't want her to come to her own wedding), hates her mother's partner, and now has nothing to do with her brother and his partner as she can't handle them being engaged and not her. We have tried some of the tools your site suggested, but if you don't pretend nothing is wrong and not talk about anything but the children, she can't deal with it. After 19 years of playing her game, we just can't do it any more.

[js friend]

Hi winny,

Have you tried getting legal visitation with the gc winny? that might be an option to explore if all else has failed.At least then the gc would know that you and your dh had fought hard to see them and keep in touch... .no matter what your dd has to say.

And it sounds like your dd and mine are very similar. My dd has also cut off family who have announced their engagement and a friend who recently announced her pregnancy.Poor girl was hoping dd would be happy for her and share some pregnancy stories with her, but instead dd has cut her totally out of her and the childrens lives.i guess my dd just doesnt have it in her to be happy for anyone so why pretend. And my dds own need for secrecy surrounding everything is also tiring and ridiculous!

[livednlearned]

Hi Winny,

It sounds like you have had a relationship with the grandkids on and off? How do they interact with you when you do get to see them?

And now SD's behavior of control has hit a wall and become worse, and probably along with that, you feel like you've done had enough.   It's hard.

How do you think the grandkids are dealing with the on/off of your relationship? Do they feel they can confide in you?

[lbjnltx]

Hi winny

I am so very sorry that you are not able to have a stable relationship with your grandchildren.  You must miss them terribly and I understand why you and your husband would be so emotionally exhausted from dealing with your npd stepdaughter.  Since she is the one holding all the cards and you are stepping away from the table... .do you want to find another path to have the grandchildren in your life?

When my daughter 18  hits a wall and cannot think past her feelings, when she cannot see that there is a solution to whatever her current problem is... .we breathe deeply together, I assure her that she is not alone and that I am here to support her and help anyway she will let me, and I remind her of our shared belief that "for every problem there are at least 3 solutions."

Then we start thinking of what those 3 solutions might be.

We offer to you winny the same kind of support.  You are not alone, we will take a deep breathe with you and we will help you to find your 3 solutions when you are ready.  You do have choices, they are not ideal choices since your situation is not ideal. Nonetheless at least you have them.

lbj