I have not signed on in a long while

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't know if anyone remembers me.  I have been married to my BPDW for 47 years.  I discovered her disorder when I went into therapy and two different Therapists told me that she is BPD, and I am Codependent.  I worked on finding as much as possible about BPD for a full year.  I read many books suggested by my Therapist and by this website.  After that year, I studied Codependence for a year and half and joined CODA.  I finally stood my ground and left the room each time she RAGED at me.  The fourth time she figured it out and mostly stopped raging.  Of course she backslides sometimes and I leave, so she must cope with her emotions herself rather than dump on me.  This has caused a better relationship, but still not very good.  I have tried to show her that I care and love her, but she continues to be unable to handle intimacy of any kind.  No hugs, kissing, soft loving words, or even holding hands.  Most nights she places a pillow between us in the bed. 

Things are better but a work in progress.  At least I am abused much less than over the past years.

[artman.1]

I don't know if anyone remembers me.  I have been married to my BPDW for 47 years.  I discovered her disorder when I went into therapy and two different Therapists told me that she is BPD, and I am Codependent.  I worked on finding as much as possible about BPD for a full year.  I read many books suggested by my Therapist and by this website.  After that year, I studied Codependence for a year and half and joined CODA.  I finally stood my ground and left the room each time she RAGED at me.  The fourth time she figured it out and mostly stopped raging.  Of course she backslides sometimes and I leave, so she must cope with her emotions herself rather than dump on me.  This has caused a better relationship, but still not very good.  I have tried to show her that I care and love her, but she continues to be unable to handle intimacy of any kind.  No hugs, kissing, soft loving words, or even holding hands.  Most nights she places a pillow between us in the bed. 

Things are better but a work in progress.  At least I am abused much less than over the past years.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

I remember you!  I haven't been here for the longest time, and today I'm here, and now I see you posting here, a familiar face! (screen name anyway)

I'm glad you have chosen to take your stand, just like I have learn from the boards here and done so for myself.  Things don't change just like that, especially since you have been married to her for so long.  But since now you're acting different, the dynamics of your relationship will change.  I'm sorry that the change has been little (so far) but happy to hear that you are less abused now.  I guess you're feeling a bit more relieved in your marriage now, less eggshells perhaps?

[artman.1]

Yes, It's hard to do much changing very fast or expect a big improvement very soon.  We do have three sons that turned out very well.  All three are Engineers.  I guess they were a chip off the old block.  Over the years, before we even thought of BPD, I just tried to make a life for myself, so I went to night school.  I was a Reactor Operator on Nuclear Subs in the 6 years I was in the NAVY.  Working as a Journeyman Electrician during the day, and attending school in the evenings earned me a Nuclear Engineering Degree, an Electrical Engineering Degree, and 3/4 of an Architectural Engineering degree, and finally a Professional Engineer's License.  I still work every day and have 30 years towards retirement. I plan to retire this year and then do consulting at least part time.  I must continue to maintain my own life such that the abusive style of my BPDW affects me much less.

[Wrongturn1]

Artman: nice to see you here again, and glad things have been going better for you!  Kudos to you for walking away from the abuse. 

While we're talking engineering, I'm an engineer as well: chemical engineering degree here, although I work in environmental permitting in the energy industry I'm not an environmentalist, although I suppose I have developed more renewable energy than most environmentalists would dream of in a lifetime .  Also a P.E.  Nuclear energy is fine by me, although the new nuke plants are extremely expensive compared to other baseload resource types and take forever to permit and construct.   

[iluminati]

Ironically, I was just thinking of you 5 minutes ago and popped on to see what you're doing.  I've since left my BPDw, but I do try to keep abreast of what happened to the vets around here.  Glad to see that you're doing better, if not necessarily well.

[Grey Kitty]

  I've wondered what you were up to as well... .

I'm glad you are finding more peace with your marriage, if not what you want or hope for.

In the past five months, my marriage has been failing; we're separated now, and I don't see my wife willing to make any effort to come back and offer me a real marriage. I've done about all I can, without my wife stepping up to make things better.


Are you looking to make more changes in your marriage now?