Juvenile coping behavior?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I should be on the leaving board, but am presently with my BPDw as I sort out our financial and housing situation.  

After decades I finally checked out and refuse to tolerate verbal abuse. I used to leave when she fired up causing her to sometimes destroy the house, break things, blow up my phone with messages/ v-mail, involve my kids, family, her friends…anything to elevate the hostility and keep me hostage. So I stay and let her rage, though I discovered a childishly novel method to tune out the noise.

When she starts spitting vitriol from her script I tell her that I’m not interested in listening, cover my ears tightly and quietly talk to myself. She’ll get close to my face and scream louder….I simply speak louder focusing my thoughts on positive things; my work, the life I'm working toward, anything to drown out the noise. I’m like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz chanting “there’s no place like home” over and over. I feel like a 7 year old covering his ears while being chastised (though I haven't started to hold my breath and stomp my feet). However, I’m truly dealing with an emotional child. There was a time when I dutifully took punishments for hours (sometimes until sunrise) and it shredded me.  Now, she begins to quiet down in frustration after about 10-20 minutes. It’s not in any of the coping manuals I've read but works (awkward and stupid as I feel doing it).

Words hurt…even when you no longer care.

[rj47]

I should be on the leaving board, but am presently with my BPDw as I sort out our financial and housing situation.  

After decades I finally checked out and refuse to tolerate verbal abuse. I used to leave when she fired up causing her to sometimes destroy the house, break things, blow up my phone with messages/ v-mail, involve my kids, family, her friends…anything to elevate the hostility and keep me hostage. So I stay and let her rage, though I discovered a childishly novel method to tune out the noise.

When she starts spitting vitriol from her script I tell her that I’m not interested in listening, cover my ears tightly and quietly talk to myself. She’ll get close to my face and scream louder….I simply speak louder focusing my thoughts on positive things; my work, the life I'm working toward, anything to drown out the noise. I’m like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz chanting “there’s no place like home” over and over. I feel like a 7 year old covering his ears while being chastised (though I haven't started to hold my breath and stomp my feet). However, I’m truly dealing with an emotional child. There was a time when I dutifully took punishments for hours (sometimes until sunrise) and it shredded me.  Now, she begins to quiet down in frustration after about 10-20 minutes. It’s not in any of the coping manuals I've read but works (awkward and stupid as I feel doing it).

Words hurt…even when you no longer care.

[Mutt]

Words hurt…even when you no longer care.

Hi rj47,

What's worrisome is these sessions are incredibly intense to be subjected to and tools don't work when your SO is raging.

Rage is often the result of pent-up anger/fear that has not been dealt with... .often because it in directed toward "self" or a target that is feared.

When a "safe" external target comes along, no matter how tiny it can trigger the release, which is often out of proportion to the triggering event.

Often the rage is directed at loved ones as they are convenient, deeply affected (greatest satisfaction of release), and the most likely to be tempered with their response because they love the person.

I'm sorry I don't know the back-story.

Have you tried stepping out of the situation when she displays disproportionate anger like this?

Say something like "I'm going to run and do some errands and will be back later".

[rj47]

There was a time when leaving increased the chaos inflaming her to damage the house. The simple process of making improvements and repairing the damages (doors and walls) to get it listed results in accusation that I'm rushing to get out. She's right. Its ugly at times, but her realization that I'm all used up and no longer respond as I once did is causing her to moderate her temper. She occasionally tries the old levers on me (ie; the latest "Mr Right" that wants her) to which I encourage her to go for it. For me the best coping behavior after 20 years of despair is... .not caring anymore.

I have my work, kids, friends and someone wonderful that gives me hope that life can be different.