"We never fought."

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've read my fair share of stories here that depict extremely volatile, verbally/physically violent behaviour from their exes -- and I'm very sorry that those involved had to be on the receiving end of such treatment. But I've also come across a few posts about couples here who claimed to have "never fought", and people whose BPD exes never initiated arguments throughout the entire relationship. In the end this made the ending even more shocking and traumatising when it came seemingly out of nowhere, especially since disordered people aren't exactly ones to immediately rustle up explanations and be accountable for their actions and choices.

My high-functioning ex (whom my new therapist is convinced is more NPD than BPD, but I'm having trouble believing him from time to time. . .you'll see why) is a classic example of this. He was afraid of confrontation of any kind and would literally clam up and shrink away at the slightest hint of an argument. At least two friends of mine who've met him described him as "mouse-like", definitely within the waif/hermit boundaries of BPD. But I wouldn't say he's a pacifist, as that would involve actively going in and diffusing the tension. He witnessed me get into an argument with my landlord when the latter tried to weasel out on my contract and it freaked him out. Not in the sense that things became heated or that he thought I was in the wrong. It was as though he was filled with an almost child-like wonder that anyone could stick up for themselves. However, he also used to complain that he and his ex behaved extremely passive-aggressively towards each other -- get this -- precisely because they never fought. He also says that he does not know how to express anger, and is worried that if he ever did, specifically towards his parents, it would "knock him out".

So like an idiot I assumed he knew this was unhealthy behaviour (it is), that it was making him unhappy, and that he wanted to change it. I mean, what else? I knew that he has deep-seated issues about his parents and childhood, but with girls he dated, the claim would take on a little additional twist. It would always start off the same, with, "I don't know how to properly express myself and get into healthy arguments". . .but would soon segue into ACTUALLY, he and his exes could never communicate well because the relationship was inherently wrong ("X was a nazi", "Y was bossy and often depressed" and he was pretty much forced into them, although I could never understand the logic of this (he was with them for years and years), even back then.

To those who never fought with their BPD exes, what was that experience like for you? Was the whole thing genuinely peaceful and happy, or did you feel like you were walking on eggshells, or that there was something unnatural about the lack of tension? Was your ex genuinely nice and accommodating or did they just slip into passive-aggressive behaviour or the silent treatment? I think a bit of bickering is perfectly normal in any long-term relationship, especially if you're both sharing the same living space. That has certainly been the case with other healthy people I've dated.

He claims to have fought for our relationship and returned after breaking up with me because what we had was special and that he felt I was always supportive and never forced him into doing anything he didn't want to. And I didn't. But the only parting shot he gave was that his subconscious must have "somehow made him" act as though he genuinely loved me when he probably didn't. God knows what he's saying about me now.

[redvelvetc]

I've read my fair share of stories here that depict extremely volatile, verbally/physically violent behaviour from their exes -- and I'm very sorry that those involved had to be on the receiving end of such treatment. But I've also come across a few posts about couples here who claimed to have "never fought", and people whose BPD exes never initiated arguments throughout the entire relationship. In the end this made the ending even more shocking and traumatising when it came seemingly out of nowhere, especially since disordered people aren't exactly ones to immediately rustle up explanations and be accountable for their actions and choices.

My high-functioning ex (whom my new therapist is convinced is more NPD than BPD, but I'm having trouble believing him from time to time. . .you'll see why) is a classic example of this. He was afraid of confrontation of any kind and would literally clam up and shrink away at the slightest hint of an argument. At least two friends of mine who've met him described him as "mouse-like", definitely within the waif/hermit boundaries of BPD. But I wouldn't say he's a pacifist, as that would involve actively going in and diffusing the tension. He witnessed me get into an argument with my landlord when the latter tried to weasel out on my contract and it freaked him out. Not in the sense that things became heated or that he thought I was in the wrong. It was as though he was filled with an almost child-like wonder that anyone could stick up for themselves. However, he also used to complain that he and his ex behaved extremely passive-aggressively towards each other -- get this -- precisely because they never fought. He also says that he does not know how to express anger, and is worried that if he ever did, specifically towards his parents, it would "knock him out".

So like an idiot I assumed he knew this was unhealthy behaviour (it is), that it was making him unhappy, and that he wanted to change it. I mean, what else? I knew that he has deep-seated issues about his parents and childhood, but with girls he dated, the claim would take on a little additional twist. It would always start off the same, with, "I don't know how to properly express myself and get into healthy arguments". . .but would soon segue into ACTUALLY, he and his exes could never communicate well because the relationship was inherently wrong ("X was a nazi", "Y was bossy and often depressed" and he was pretty much forced into them, although I could never understand the logic of this (he was with them for years and years), even back then.

To those who never fought with their BPD exes, what was that experience like for you? Was the whole thing genuinely peaceful and happy, or did you feel like you were walking on eggshells, or that there was something unnatural about the lack of tension? Was your ex genuinely nice and accommodating or did they just slip into passive-aggressive behaviour or the silent treatment? I think a bit of bickering is perfectly normal in any long-term relationship, especially if you're both sharing the same living space. That has certainly been the case with other healthy people I've dated.

He claims to have fought for our relationship and returned after breaking up with me because what we had was special and that he felt I was always supportive and never forced him into doing anything he didn't want to. And I didn't. But the only parting shot he gave was that his subconscious must have "somehow made him" act as though he genuinely loved me when he probably didn't. God knows what he's saying about me now.

[Invictus01]

I long distance dated a girl for 6 months. Since the day I met her till the 6 month anniversary, I'd get 100-150 texts/day from her. No fights, no tension. "Good mornings", "Good nights" and everything in between. Exchanging our views on life, work, everything. A ton of chemistry, a ton of sparks, a ton of common interests. 3 weeks before things pretty much ended, she introduced me to her parents (at her request) and things went very well. On the 6th month anniversary I sent her flowers she was very happy about. Later that day she went to a happy hour with her sister and her mom. Literally, overnight, something changed and our communication plummeted to maybe 10% of it used to be while she goes on a weird 2 week partying/drinking streak. After two weeks, I finally asked her if she wanted to talk about something. She dropped me with a text the next day, not to be heard from for 5 weeks. My brain just about exploded trying to reconcile what just happened to me.

[ShadowIntheNight]

My uBPDexgf and I didn't really fight like typical couples even if we had disagreements. We were pretty much on the same page about many things. Having said that, she had no problem getting into it with her exH after they were divorced. She told me on numerous occasions that she would tell him not to to do something while they were married and when he didn't listen, she went after him.

Oddly enough, whenever she had to take care of an issue with a company or something over the phone she would get "mousey." I would tell her to stand up for herself and she would act like she didn't want to deal with the confrontation.

I guess what I'm saying is that she could be combative and she could be passive. I'm not sure what or who triggered her behavior. Since she dumped me out of the blue with no warning and no indication of trouble in our relationship, it's clear to me that she was clearly afraid to confront me with her desire to leave. But what do you say to someone you've had no real arguments and problems with for 10 years when you're just leaving. I cannot tell you to this moment why she left. 

Our relationship felt like a normal relationship where two people discuss the things that are going on and if theyre problematic, work on a solution. Apparently that wasn't what she was looking for either... .

[StarOfTheSea]

My exBPDbf and I never had a yelling, angry fight but we did have a handful of disagreements which we talked through. I just felt like that way of disagreeing, talking it out, etc. came from a place of mutual respect for each other. We were also just so happy that we found each other  that hurtful, furious fighting wasn't necessary.

That's not to say he's meek, because he definitely isn't. I saw him go off many times. He has zero problem with confrontation with anyone. Except, apparently, me. He was passive aggressive with me sometimes but not once did he pick a fight. That's the biggest reason why his out-of-the-blue break up left me in shock, because there was no trouble or anything really WRONG. It just made no sense until I found out he had been emotionally cheating on me, but even then, why cheat in the first place?

So yes, I'm one of those rare people that didn't fight with their BPD partner, though I wonder if would have fought if that would have made a difference.

[paperlung]

We never argued/fought until after I discovered her cheating on me.

I think the main reason why we never fought was because I was such a pushover. It was my first relationship and her story really made me feel sorry for her, so I wanted to make her as happy as possible. There were many nights I would get home from work at 10:30 PM and she would then ask me to come over to her place because she hadn't ate yet and was feeling lonely. I'd be tired and have to get up for school the following morning but she didn't care. If I were to say, "No, sorry. I'm tired and just feel like staying home tonight." she would act super childish and say I didn't care about her and how I was abandoning her.

I remember one night I was over at her place she told me to be mean to her and hit her. She then started crying and asked me why I wasn't mean to her. I guess she wasn't used to somebody treating her so kindly all the time.

[ShadowIntheNight]

My exBPDbf and I never had a yelling, angry fight but we did have a handful of disagreements which we talked through. I just felt like that way of disagreeing, talking it out, etc. came from a place of mutual respect for each other. We were also just so happy that we found each other  that hurtful, furious fighting wasn't necessary.

That's not to say he's meek, because he definitely isn't. I saw him go off many times. He has zero problem with confrontation with anyone. Except, apparently, me. He was passive aggressive with me sometimes but not once did he pick a fight. That's the biggest reason why his out-of-the-blue break up left me in shock, because there was no trouble or anything really WRONG. It just made no sense until I found out he had been emotionally cheating on me, but even then, why cheat in the first place?

So yes, I'm one of those rare people that didn't fight with their BPD partner, though I wonder if would have fought if that would have made a difference.

I don't think if you had fought it would have made a difference. Maybe your ex would have gone sooner. I think if you fight they have excuses they can build on. If you are having a relationship where two adults are working through problems instead of fighting over them, you don't give them much ammunition.

I do remember on a few occasions my exgf trying to bait me into an argument. But I guess I was so stupid, I would sit there wondering what had caused her to be behaving the way she was. When she would ask me a ":)o you? Do you?" question as if looking for a fight I would just say No. I had no idea what else to say as the bait seemed so absurd to me. But this is like one or two times of knowing each other for 10 years. And those happened early on in our relationship.

She did always say to me, "you're unbelievable," in wonderment as to me being the way I was. And it was said lovingly, not mean btw.

I too think if I had been caustic and mean to her I would have at least deserved her abrupt departure and devaluing. It hurts more because we are so undeserving of being treated this way.

[Restored2]

I long distance dated a girl for 6 months. Since the day I met her till the 6 month anniversary, I'd get 100-150 texts/day from her. No fights, no tension. "Good mornings", "Good nights" and everything in between. Exchanging our views on life, work, everything. A ton of chemistry, a ton of sparks, a ton of common interests. 3 weeks before things pretty much ended, she introduced me to her parents (at her request) and things went very well. On the 6th month anniversary I sent her flowers she was very happy about. Later that day she went to a happy hour with her sister and her mom. Literally, overnight, something changed and our communication plummeted to maybe 10% of it used to be while she goes on a weird 2 week partying/drinking streak. After two weeks, I finally asked her if she wanted to talk about something. She dropped me with a text the next day, not to be heard from for 5 weeks. My brain just about exploded trying to reconcile what just happened to me.

Mine was very similar to Invictus01.  Minus the partying/drinking streak.  It was an overall peaceful and enjoyable relationship.  Out of the blue her communication plummeted within only about 48 hours to her breaking up with me, via an email entitled "Goodbye" and a matching voice mail message that was just as cold and harsh.  My brain and emotions felt like they were going to explode from trying to process and make sense of the senselessness of it all.   

[ShadowIntheNight]

I long distance dated a girl for 6 months. Since the day I met her till the 6 month anniversary, I'd get 100-150 texts/day from her. No fights, no tension. "Good mornings", "Good nights" and everything in between. Exchanging our views on life, work, everything. A ton of chemistry, a ton of sparks, a ton of common interests. 3 weeks before things pretty much ended, she introduced me to her parents (at her request) and things went very well. On the 6th month anniversary I sent her flowers she was very happy about. Later that day she went to a happy hour with her sister and her mom. Literally, overnight, something changed and our communication plummeted to maybe 10% of it used to be while she goes on a weird 2 week partying/drinking streak. After two weeks, I finally asked her if she wanted to talk about something. She dropped me with a text the next day, not to be heard from for 5 weeks. My brain just about exploded trying to reconcile what just happened to me.

Mine was very similar to Invictus01.  Minus the partying/drinking streak.  It was an overall peaceful and enjoyable relationship.  Out of the blue her communication plummeted within only about 48 hours to her breaking up with me, via an email entitled "Goodbye" and a matching voice mail message that was just as cold and harsh.  My brain and emotions felt like they were going to explode from trying to process and make sense of the senselessness of it all.   I

Sadly, after 7 months I still feel this way. It makes less sense today than it did then. And I have had absolutely no explanation as to what happened or why she did what she did. All I have is speculative conjecture on my part. I'm sure if we asked them today they might not even have an answer.

[JRT]

RedVelvet

My ex and I never fought at all (minus some recycles that diminished in duration and magnitude over time) with a an exception or two... .I could see her ruminating in silence, stressing... .thinking... .I knew for certain that this is how she was dealing with her problems but internalizing them... .she had strange cysts, skin boils, stomach issues and other types of stress related maladies as a result... .she also had some nervous ticks like gnawing on the side of her cheek and lips that went along with this. She was also had sleep related problems; falling asleep was a HUGE challenge to the extent that a full Ambien AND a Xanax would not knock her out on a couple of occasions. Most of the time she was unable to get a full night in because her mind was racing, replaying the events of the day. She was such a light sleeper that I one recall waking her as I opened the bedroom door and the sound of the door sweeping against the carpet made her jolt upright as if I lit a fire cracker!

I KNEW that this was unhealthy and that there was much that we SHOULD be disagreeing about. There were things that she should share with me. The few times that she did, I saw that she had a very twisted recollection of the facts. She once complained, for example, that she was not given the latitude to suggest decorating ideas for the house when she just got done ordering new bedding and building plant boxes so that she could grow a garden! Minor comments were met with an over sensitive reaction that was way out of proportion to the remark. It didn't lead to an argument, but over time I conditioned myself to watch what I say and how I say it with her lest there be something unpleasant. There never was, but I sensed that it was imminent.

Whatever the case, it looks like she saved it for her exit... .

[Restored2]

I long distance dated a girl for 6 months. Since the day I met her till the 6 month anniversary, I'd get 100-150 texts/day from her. No fights, no tension. "Good mornings", "Good nights" and everything in between. Exchanging our views on life, work, everything. A ton of chemistry, a ton of sparks, a ton of common interests. 3 weeks before things pretty much ended, she introduced me to her parents (at her request) and things went very well. On the 6th month anniversary I sent her flowers she was very happy about. Later that day she went to a happy hour with her sister and her mom. Literally, overnight, something changed and our communication plummeted to maybe 10% of it used to be while she goes on a weird 2 week partying/drinking streak. After two weeks, I finally asked her if she wanted to talk about something. She dropped me with a text the next day, not to be heard from for 5 weeks. My brain just about exploded trying to reconcile what just happened to me.

Mine was very similar to Invictus01.  Minus the partying/drinking streak.  It was an overall peaceful and enjoyable relationship.  Out of the blue her communication plummeted within only about 48 hours to her breaking up with me, via an email entitled "Goodbye" and a matching voice mail message that was just as cold and harsh.  My brain and emotions felt like they were going to explode from trying to process and make sense of the senselessness of it all.   I

Sadly, after 7 months I still feel this way. It makes less sense today than it did then. And I have had absolutely no explanation as to what happened or why she did what she did. All I have is speculative conjecture on my part. I'm sure if we asked them today they might not even have an answer.

It's been almost 7 months post breakup for me too.  Despite being educated on BPD now, none of it really makes any sense.  It is craziness that can crazy make... .

[Figuring it out]

We never argued/fought until after I discovered her cheating on me.

I think the main reason why we never fought was because I was such a pushover. It was my first relationship and her story really made me feel sorry for her, so I wanted to make her as happy as possible. There were many nights I would get home from work at 10:30 PM and she would then ask me to come over to her place because she hadn't ate yet and was feeling lonely. I'd be tired and have to get up for school the following morning but she didn't care. If I were to say, "No, sorry. I'm tired and just feel like staying home tonight." she would act super childish and say I didn't care about her and how I was abandoning her.

I remember one night I was over at her place she told me to be mean to her and hit her. She then started crying and asked me why I wasn't mean to her. I guess she wasn't used to somebody treating her so kindly all the time.

Me and my exBPDgf never fought but I'm not a pushover either. All the guys she's been with had cheated on her and I took her out to museums, art galleries, restaurants, got her flowers, made her things with my art, etc. Everything was going amazingly until I figured out she cheated on me. Whenever she feels bad, she doesn't talk/text much whereas other times she texts quite a bit.

My ex also liked to be physically overpowered. Sometimes she would act really bratty and snarky and that was usually when she felt the need to be physically controlled and my response ended up being more aggressive and we would continue the aggression in the bedroom. It was fun, but she needed to be told what to do and controlled.