Blocking on Facebook-blocking communication or part of the smear campaign

[JRT]

Immediately after the b/u, my exBPD fiance blocked me on Facebook, unfriended all of my friends and talked all of her family and friends into doing the same (telling them God knows what). This seems to be a common tactic with them. I figured that this move was a blocking of communication but I really don't see how it fits to unfriend anyone else except for the non in this respect.

MAYBE, they unfriend common friends so in a way to make it so that the r/s never existed? This would make sense (well, as much as it can). But why go through the extra step of individually selling 25 other people the idea of unfriending that person on FB, those people that would remain connected pose no communication threat to her? I wonder if the purpose of this move was to ensure that the smear/distortion campaign would work without anyone to challenge whatever they are posting or saying?

Anyone else have any experience with this?

[Nasus]

Yep! My pwBPD was a friend/coworker with whom I was being used in an emotional relationship. We became FB friends within a month of beginning work together. During our 6 months of working together she was having constant relationship problems with her girlfriend. They broke up, and got back together several times during this time. After one such breakup and an when they got back together, I noticed I had been unfriended. I thought it was strange as she and I weren't having any issues, and all was well at work. I didn't say

anything for about a week. When I finally asked her why she unfriended me, she said she hadn't... .and that she had just found out the night before that her 'jealous' girlfriend had unfriended me as well as 3 other people she worked with. Weird. That night, she sent all of us friend requests. About 6 weeks later, I noticed that 8 has once again been unfriended. I immediately asked her about it, and this time, she denied doing it and couldn't understand why it had happened, even suggesting that perhaps I had inadvertently unfriended her! Hmmm... .She immediately sent me a friend request, but never admitted unfriending me that time. Finally, about a month after that, she told me... .and posted a notice on her FB page... .that in 24 hours she was deleting her entire page. She told me she was doing this because of all the drama in her personal life, but I shouldn't take it personally. She did follow through, and delete her page. She did, however, start a new page with only family and lifelong friends on it. With a little bit of checking, I did discover that I was blocked from seeing anything of her on FB. At that time, things were starting to unravel between us, she was going through a pretty good period with her girlfriend, and she ended up quitting her job without notice about 6 weeks later. I have not heard from her since and I am still blocked. This was almost 3 months ago.

[Dutched]

I don’t know if it has to do with a smear campaign or not. As known/described by experts pwBPD feel emotions much more intense than we do and in a, lets say, primitive way.

Part of processing the feeling of pain (and shame) is to suppress that pain, as that pain causes so much more pain when faced. So in order to (emotionally) survive pwBPD must block you.

I suggest to look into the reason behind the action to understand and not only how it is perceived. For example, there is correlation between the actions of pwBPD and pwNPD, however the reason is totally different.

In order to protect myself (therefore being the one in control) , I blocked exw on FB and my visibility via search results immediately after exw left.

General:

= I blocked my visibility, my postings and visibility of my friends for others

= can’t be found by Google, etc.

= blocked all her family members (which were no friends)  just as precaution

= blocked several persons in our community and her social circle, of whom I knew they could have contact with her (also as precaution)

Specific:

I composed and posted a text on my page in which I made very clear:

= that I needed to protect myself therefore my reactions were limited as from now on.

= that I respected their choice to remain in contact (because of all these years)

= would very appreciate it not to post any pictures as from now on with me on it.

Family/friends phoned me and told me to understand and respect my request.

Now the opposite as you experienced, exw never blocked me…  

However as exw couldn’t resist her curiosity (I am low profile also in real life as I minimised contact/info with some people in my village), my LinkedIn page was visited. I mailed exw because of that, told her to back of using devaluing phrases exw used to express to me in during her many outbursts.

A new “tactic” was released by exw, my page was visited by her sister and several times by her soother. And again I mailed her to back of.  

Get in control.

[enlighten me]

It could be just that they dont want you knowing what theyre up to. My exs dont like people to think bad of them. Therefore if you dont know what theyre doing you cant dissaprove it.

My ex wife told me recently that she never wants me to think bad of her. This is why she tries to keep what she is up to secret. This isnt possible with our sons though.

My exgf hasnt blocked me but the image she potrays on fb is that of a single woman with nothing going on. The fact she has been seeing someone for six months is another matter. She never mentions her bf to me and when she goes away to see him just says the place she is going. She knows i know she is seeing someone but she cant for some reason bring it out into the open.

[Deeno02]

I struck first. I blocked, deleted, got rid of any and all means of communication. Didnt have to worry much about friends of hers because they barely knew who I was. Hardly was introduced to them in our 16 months together.

[JRT]

Sure guys, its clear why they would block me and only me and its clear that I should do the same. But why would she:

-unfriend all of my friends some of which she had begun to develop independent relationships with

-call each and every one of her friends and relatives whom I was friends with and sell them in the idea of unfriending me

Both of these really don't accomplish a clear objective. If she skipped doing either, its unlikely that I would show up on any feeds or posts. Even if I did, so what?

Maybe it was a lunatics attempt to scorch the earth but something that I had read here yesterday made me believe that this was related to her smear campaign. If those connections still existed, and people were able to continue communicate and see my posts etc., it might negate the efforts of her distortions. Just a theory... .

[misty_red]

I don't think it always has to do with trying to hurt us or a smearing campaign - even if it might seem so. Maybe it just triggered her and she wanted to get rid of the triggers? For a borderline everything can be a trigger.

I wouldn't think too much into it. In the end it doesn't help because you'll never know anyway and it will prevent you from detaching.

My exBPDgf did so many things I asked myself if they were on purpose to hurt me or if they more had to do with her trying to get through the breakup or whatever. But I could never really know why. Thinking all about these things won't help you detaching.

Maybe they are just trying to move on as we all do. We also use certain techniques or whatever. Yes, it does seem very childish to defriend everyone who has to do with you, but maybe that's a trigger to her.

BPDs are not psychopaths who always act consciously. Yes, psychopaths can be borderlines as well, but it's not the other way round. I'm trying to say: don't try to find any logic, there is no. At least not one we nons could grasp.

[JRT]

I don't think it always has to do with trying to hurt us or a smearing campaign - even if it might seem so. Maybe it just triggered her and she wanted to get rid of the triggers? For a borderline everything can be a trigger.

I wouldn't think too much into it. In the end it doesn't help because you'll never know anyway and it will prevent you from detaching.

My exBPDgf did so many things I asked myself if they were on purpose to hurt me or if they more had to do with her trying to get through the breakup or whatever. But I could never really know why. Thinking all about these things won't help you detaching.

Maybe they are just trying to move on as we all do. We also use certain techniques or whatever. Yes, it does seem very childish to defriend everyone who has to do with you, but maybe that's a trigger to her.

BPDs are not psychopaths who always act consciously. Yes, psychopaths can be borderlines as well, but it's not the other way round. I'm trying to say: don't try to find any logic, there is no. At least not one we nons could grasp.

There are no truer words... .but understanding is what has been most beneficial to me in terms of overcoming what had transpired. As such, I can understand her cutting ties with my friends. But even within the context of 'crazy' , I fail to understand what benefit it was to her to convince HER family and friends to unfriend me. It was hard work for her to contact each and every one individually and state her case.

The only thing that I could think was that it would impair the smear campaign... .or it would prevent me from having the bragging rights to say I remained friends with her people ('See? EVERYONE agrees with me that you are black... .'... .or that it was preemptive in avoiding any mere passing reference to me by any of her friends of my comings and goings... .

Just trying to understand... .

[Warney]

My ex has posted on FB a web of lies and then tagged me in on it and sent messages to my closest friends. She then wiped her profile so no one could reply. It looks like that was a fail as my dearest friends took the ive known you 20 years and can  only judge you on that. So be strong and let them smear you , your close friends and family know who you are and what you are like. And the deleting friends or removing page comes down to not wanting to be outed or told the truth.

Hope you are doing ok

[JRT]

thanks... .same to you!

[Warney]

It would seem to me that she went to the effort of contact her friends and family in a bid not to be exposed to them and lose face . It is important to her that she is respected in her bad behavior is not exposed.

[Mike-X]

Sure guys, its clear why they would block me and only me and its clear that I should do the same. But why would she:

-unfriend all of my friends some of which she had begun to develop independent relationships with

-call each and every one of her friends and relatives whom I was friends with and sell them in the idea of unfriending me

Both of these really don't accomplish a clear objective. If she skipped doing either, its unlikely that I would show up on any feeds or posts. Even if I did, so what?

Maybe it was a lunatics attempt to scorch the earth but something that I had read here yesterday made me believe that this was related to her smear campaign. If those connections still existed, and people were able to continue communicate and see my posts etc., it might negate the efforts of her distortions. Just a theory... .

Couldn't she potentially see your activity (and you see hers) through posts, 'likes', etc. to mutual friends? 

But as stated in many other posts on this forum, only she knows why she did what she did.

[JRT]

@Warney... .probably the best probable explanation... .and dovetails with the control thing

@Mike... .no... .If I am blocked and she posts something on the wall of a mutual friend, I see nothing and she sees nothing of mine at all.

[Hazelrah]

But as stated in many other posts on this forum, only she knows why she did what she did.

JRT,

This simple comment by Mike-X is an important one.  You are to be admired for your continual search for knowledge in regards to BPD, etc.  Trying to understand your ex's behavior is a quest that we've all undertaken here.   However, as I'm sure you've read before, attempting to ascribe order to a disordered individual is a fruitless effort, and it's one of the things that keeps us stuck and prevents us from taking the next step forward.  Part of detachment will eventually mean accepting you won't have all the answers to her actions... .the next step will be not caring what the answers might've been in the first place.  It's all hard, but pushing through to that point is going to be of great relief... .just something to keep in mind as you continue to get through this.