In therapy, and BPD is a possibility

[Depression = 72% of members]

I believe my spouse suffers from BPD. We are married 28 years, with 2 children, but as the kids got older, my wife's behaviour got more erratic.

I was told that the relationship problems were my fault. When I tried, over the years, to discuss the lack of intimacy in our relationship, physical and emotional, she would get angry. Anger is what I saw the most. Anger and criticism. It is my fault I didn't initiate sex. Well, it isn't that I was disinterested, but that I felt I was always pushed away. Many times I would talk to her, and she would blank out, as id she wasn't there. Happened often. Dammed if I do, dammed if I dont. She insisted I tell her everything, that it was my duty to tell her everything. But, she often hid things from me. When  I pointed this out, her excuse was that she knew I wouldn't have been interested, or that she was compelled to do it because I wouldn't.

I am in competition with her for the attention of our children, who are now older. They both see the failure of our family as my fault. I talk to my daughter, I hear accusations of my wife. She is 18, however, she is very angry with me as well. We used to be close, we enjoyed each others company... .now, I am always " lecturing her".

I reasoned, if I was the source of all the pain in my family, then I must get help. So I sought out counseling. It was in counseling that I learned all new words. co dependency, enmeshed relationships, lack of boundaries, anger, disassociation... .And how the sexual abuse my wife suffered at the hands of her brother and the death of her father and the abandonment of her father could have contributed to why our relationship is dysfunctional and toxic. It was also when I saw a list of BPB traits... .and it seems like 80% of them fit me exactly.

Now, after the discussion and trying to speak to her about this being not all my fault, my wife informs me, with 14 days notice, that she is leaving. She rented and apartment, that it is temporary. That was last May... .she is still gone, and since then, she has rented another apartment. i have been served with separation papers to sell the house, and to list my assets for division of marital property.

After 28 years of marriage, it looks as if she is resolved to end our marriage. I am sitting here, thinking, what happened? Still coming to grips with the situation. as well as my friends and family.

Now, my wife has not been diagnosed with BPD, but she scoffs at therapy. I suggested she get help. She insists therapy has turned me into a basket case. I feel much better, physically and mentally. She has admitted she suffers from PTSD, in the past, but now when I raise this, she tells me I am diagnosing her, and I am no doctor.

Why did I not seed this coming? Why did it take me so long to figure this out? I mean 28 years? I know I couldn't, but I am still embarrassed by where I am.

How do I move forward?

[VinnyH]

I believe my spouse suffers from BPD. We are married 28 years, with 2 children, but as the kids got older, my wife's behaviour got more erratic.

I was told that the relationship problems were my fault. When I tried, over the years, to discuss the lack of intimacy in our relationship, physical and emotional, she would get angry. Anger is what I saw the most. Anger and criticism. It is my fault I didn't initiate sex. Well, it isn't that I was disinterested, but that I felt I was always pushed away. Many times I would talk to her, and she would blank out, as id she wasn't there. Happened often. Dammed if I do, dammed if I dont. She insisted I tell her everything, that it was my duty to tell her everything. But, she often hid things from me. When  I pointed this out, her excuse was that she knew I wouldn't have been interested, or that she was compelled to do it because I wouldn't.

I am in competition with her for the attention of our children, who are now older. They both see the failure of our family as my fault. I talk to my daughter, I hear accusations of my wife. She is 18, however, she is very angry with me as well. We used to be close, we enjoyed each others company... .now, I am always " lecturing her".

I reasoned, if I was the source of all the pain in my family, then I must get help. So I sought out counseling. It was in counseling that I learned all new words. co dependency, enmeshed relationships, lack of boundaries, anger, disassociation... .And how the sexual abuse my wife suffered at the hands of her brother and the death of her father and the abandonment of her father could have contributed to why our relationship is dysfunctional and toxic. It was also when I saw a list of BPB traits... .and it seems like 80% of them fit me exactly.

Now, after the discussion and trying to speak to her about this being not all my fault, my wife informs me, with 14 days notice, that she is leaving. She rented and apartment, that it is temporary. That was last May... .she is still gone, and since then, she has rented another apartment. i have been served with separation papers to sell the house, and to list my assets for division of marital property.

After 28 years of marriage, it looks as if she is resolved to end our marriage. I am sitting here, thinking, what happened? Still coming to grips with the situation. as well as my friends and family.

Now, my wife has not been diagnosed with BPD, but she scoffs at therapy. I suggested she get help. She insists therapy has turned me into a basket case. I feel much better, physically and mentally. She has admitted she suffers from PTSD, in the past, but now when I raise this, she tells me I am diagnosing her, and I am no doctor.

Why did I not seed this coming? Why did it take me so long to figure this out? I mean 28 years? I know I couldn't, but I am still embarrassed by where I am.

How do I move forward?

[livednlearned]

Hi VinnyH,

Welcome to bpdfamily, I'm glad you found the site. 28 years is a longtime to experience anger and criticism, and as you got healthier and sought therapy, it sounds like it become intolerable for your wife to see you develop boundaries and know your own mind. It is probably quite the opposite in her mind, that you are not becoming a basket case, but that you are becoming more aware of feelings you haven't let yourself feel, and that is threatening to her. Perhaps she felt you would leave her as you become more insightful, so she felt the need to leave first before you could abandon her. It's not uncommon for BPD sufferers to abandon others before they abandon them, and it at the heart of the attachment disorder that creates so much pain and suffering for loved ones who only want to help.

There is a very helpful board here for people who are navigating the legal part of divorce -- ending a marriage with someone who is BPD is quite similar to the marriage in that things can seem erratic and irrational. The family law board has collective wisdom from other members who have found themselves in similar situations. Another helpful resource is Splitting by Bill Eddy, co-written with Randi Kreger who wrote Stop Walking on Eggshells.

With your kids, have you learned about validation? I found that to be the magic antidote with my own son. Kids with BPD parents are often invalidated and it's hard for them to know what is true, what they believe, what are their own feelings. You may want to read about parental alienation to learn more.

I hope you keep posting. There is a lot of support here and people who truly understand.

I'm so sorry things have come to this for you. It's heart wrenching, I know. If it's any consolation, my N/BPDx husband and I split four years ago and the healing journey has been profound for me. I feel that I am no longer in a tunnel, it's wide open space and a whole new life.



LnL

[VinnyH]

 I work with a counsellor, and I am working though my wife has moved out and separated, taking our daughter with her. My daughter is now over 18, and really wants little contact with me, despite the fact that we used to be very close. It appeared that as soon as I started to assert myself, my wife left... .temporarily. This was 10 months ago. And she has really poisoned my relationship with my daughter. I have tried to speak to my wife about this, but it really goes nowhere.

Its my teenage daughter that I am concerned about. My daughter blames me for the family troubles, and my daughters insight could have only come from what my wife has told her. In fact, my daughter knows much too much about my wife and my relationship. My wife says that it is necessary because my daughter is part of the family, and has a right to know. My wife also appears to rely heavily on my daughter for emotional support. When I do see my daughter, my daughter is dismissive and belligerent at times. And when I attempt to set boundaries with her, she rejects them immediately. I see so little of her, once every couple of weeks for only a few hours. I have attempted to discuss the situation with my wife, but my wife insists she encourages my daughter to have a good relationship with me.

My wife has not been diagnosed with a personality disorder, but I have been in counselling for over a year now. My wife has sufferred insest, as well as sexual assault, abandonment by her mother, death of her father at age 6 after a lengthy illness, as well as risky sexual behaviour as a teen. She has never received counselling, and she absolutely refuses to speak to me about her past, insisting that all i want to do is use it to feed my ego, whatever that is supposed to mean.

As it is, my wife refuses to speak to me about any of this, and if I attempt to get close to these issues, she cuts off the conversation and refuses to go any further.

She doesn't even want top have coffee with me... .too painful because of my attitude. Her claim... .I am emotionally abusive and controlling.

I joined to gather information and share my story. And now, I am in the process of working through the betrayal that I experienced at her hands. Trying to get my arms around it is a formidable task.

[ForeverDad]

So what to do when your daughter is adversely influenced... .  Several things... .

If she isn't in counseling, then now is a good time for her to start.  Her mother will oppose it of course if she hears about it (you are under no obligation to share this with your spouse - loose lips sink ships!) and daughter may claim she's just fine but perhaps you can try anyway.  Perhaps offer to her to go together and let the counselor see if the broken bridges can be mended.  She may listen - over time - to an emotionally neutral third party when it's hard for her to listen to you.

You can try to Validate her feelings - but not any incorrect conclusions or her mother's distorted input... .

"I can see your feeling are hurt, you have understandably been impacted by our separation, but I'd like to try to work this out without blaming each other, think we can do that?"

"There's no way to resolve this in a few minutes but let's work this out together, okay?  Can you have some patience with me, I'll try to see your perspective and you'll try to see my perspective?"

The fly in the ointment is that her entire life has been greatly influenced by her mother, probably even trained to doubt herself and be overly controlled by her mother, it will be hard for her to reason things out, her feelings will be sensitive and raw.