Something that's really helped me get through all of this

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I've found 2 things that have helped me forgive and be more compassionate in my situation recently when I broke up with my exBPDgf for cheating on me. I loved her. I don't doubt that she loved me in the way that she could. I still really care, but I'm on day 7 of NC. These things helped me.

1. This loving kindness meditation - www.youtu.be/sz7cpV7ERsM

I felt this gave me permission for my own needs when I said outloud "May I be well, May I be happy, May I be peaceful, May I be loved. I cried the first times I said this. Then when I focused on someone I care about, I pictured my exBPDgf and wished her the same things. This was hard, and I continue to cry but it really helps give me perspective and I feel very cleansed, open and free after this guided meditation.

2. This article is about how we make mistakes in choosing partners. www.thephilosophersmail.com/relationships/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wrong-people/

I'll just paste THREE here because when I read it, I just thought about my borderline gf.

Three: We aren’t used to being happy

We believe we seek happiness in love, but it’s not quite as simple. What at times it seems we actually seek is familiarity – which may well complicate any plans we might have for happiness.

We recreate in adult relationships some of the feelings we knew in childhood. It was as children that we first came to know and understand what love meant. But unfortunately, the lessons we picked up may not have been straightforward. The love we knew as children may have come entwined with other, less pleasant dynamics: being controlled, feeling humiliated, being abandoned, never communicating, in short: suffering.

As adults, we may then reject certain healthy candidates whom we encounter, not because they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced (too mature, too understanding, too reliable), and this rightness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive. We head instead to candidates whom our unconscious is drawn to, not because they will please us, but because they will frustrate us in familiar ways.

We marry the wrong people because the right ones feel wrong – undeserved; because we have no experience of health, because we don’t ultimately associate being loved with feeling satisfied.

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I hope that this can help you all in some way! :-)

[Figuring it out]

So I've found 2 things that have helped me forgive and be more compassionate in my situation recently when I broke up with my exBPDgf for cheating on me. I loved her. I don't doubt that she loved me in the way that she could. I still really care, but I'm on day 7 of NC. These things helped me.

1. This loving kindness meditation - www.youtu.be/sz7cpV7ERsM

I felt this gave me permission for my own needs when I said outloud "May I be well, May I be happy, May I be peaceful, May I be loved. I cried the first times I said this. Then when I focused on someone I care about, I pictured my exBPDgf and wished her the same things. This was hard, and I continue to cry but it really helps give me perspective and I feel very cleansed, open and free after this guided meditation.

2. This article is about how we make mistakes in choosing partners. www.thephilosophersmail.com/relationships/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wrong-people/

I'll just paste THREE here because when I read it, I just thought about my borderline gf.

Three: We aren’t used to being happy

We believe we seek happiness in love, but it’s not quite as simple. What at times it seems we actually seek is familiarity – which may well complicate any plans we might have for happiness.

We recreate in adult relationships some of the feelings we knew in childhood. It was as children that we first came to know and understand what love meant. But unfortunately, the lessons we picked up may not have been straightforward. The love we knew as children may have come entwined with other, less pleasant dynamics: being controlled, feeling humiliated, being abandoned, never communicating, in short: suffering.

As adults, we may then reject certain healthy candidates whom we encounter, not because they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced (too mature, too understanding, too reliable), and this rightness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive. We head instead to candidates whom our unconscious is drawn to, not because they will please us, but because they will frustrate us in familiar ways.

We marry the wrong people because the right ones feel wrong – undeserved; because we have no experience of health, because we don’t ultimately associate being loved with feeling satisfied.

---------

I hope that this can help you all in some way! :-)

[hoaianhcameron]

Thanks for the sharing, i find it very helpful