She planted the seed and now I'm screwed...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's been five weeks no contact... .The longest ever. She called today, on a hidden ID line. I blocked her number and I know it was her. She always calls on hidden id when we split. You would think id be mad... .Angry at her for pushing past my boundaries and trying to reach me after what she's done. But... .no, I'm not angry I'm happy... .I'm relieved to think she still wants me. Happy to think she can't live without me. It's pure madness. No anxiety for the first time in 5 weeks. How does she do that... .She's planting the seed... .the thoughts of her in my head, and now I'm happy. She will continue to call now, more frequently, then at work. Most likely bought a prepaid phone and blocks it so I can't block her. Same pattern, each blocked call softens me up and sooner or later she'll show up somewhere and smother me with every lie she can come up with and I will believe her, how she's missed me, can't go out, can't be with anyone else... .exactly what I've been dying to hear for weeks now. I'm screwed... .and I'm scared to get sucked back in. I need to be stronger... .I need to be angry.

[Sanity searcher]

It's been five weeks no contact... .The longest ever. She called today, on a hidden ID line. I blocked her number and I know it was her. She always calls on hidden id when we split. You would think id be mad... .Angry at her for pushing past my boundaries and trying to reach me after what she's done. But... .no, I'm not angry I'm happy... .I'm relieved to think she still wants me. Happy to think she can't live without me. It's pure madness. No anxiety for the first time in 5 weeks. How does she do that... .She's planting the seed... .the thoughts of her in my head, and now I'm happy. She will continue to call now, more frequently, then at work. Most likely bought a prepaid phone and blocks it so I can't block her. Same pattern, each blocked call softens me up and sooner or later she'll show up somewhere and smother me with every lie she can come up with and I will believe her, how she's missed me, can't go out, can't be with anyone else... .exactly what I've been dying to hear for weeks now. I'm screwed... .and I'm scared to get sucked back in. I need to be stronger... .I need to be angry.

[misty_red]

Sanity searcher, I'm sorry that this happened to you. I know how it feels like. I experienced something similar with mine. It feels like some wicked game. I don't know if they are really conscious about it or just feeling lonely and need some reassurance that we still feel for them but the real reason shouldn't matter because it's about the way this whole thing makes YOU feel.

You say you don't want to be happy about it but angry. I understand what you mean. I was like that as well. I thought "I should hate her, so I could let go of her." But hating someone means still being involved with them emotionally. At some time you'll reach a point called indifference, that's the thing you should look forward to.

So, what to do in such situations? Take your feelings and pain serious. Don't try to make you feel something you aren't feeling right now. Whenever my exBPDgf reached out I wanted to convinve myself I didn't like her anymore and that I hated her but it still kept me attached. So try to take your feelings serious but DON'T act on them. Radical acceptance. I know it's hard. We all love the ego stroke because in some way it feels like one.

Sometimes you have to decide against your own will. It's better to burn every bridge so that they aren't able to get to you anymore. It took me some while to do that. It felt like ripping out my own heart because I still had some hope left that we could be at least friends again. But when you've burned a bridge once you did it and then there's no way going back.

I left my sport's team to burn the last bridge (she was part of that team, left it some time ago but showed up at matches as a guest only to treat me like I was thin air and dead to her). And it hurt like hell because I loved the team so much. And I know that some of them might feel abandonded and I feel guilty. But it was the best for me so she could never ever reach out to me again. I know my old team would understand what I did and they can forgive me when I'll be visiting them in the future when I'm ready.

We all hope for a quick fix but there is no. We also hope for some big revelation when in the grieving process, but as I experienced it it more is a gradual process. Don't be too impatient. It will get better even though you think so. I always thought my case here was different and that I could never get out of this ___ hole. But it'll get better with time.

[Sanity searcher]

Thank you Misty Red. You are right, I should not be wasting energy on hatred. I do dream of the day of indifference, I feel it on my strong days... .Sometimes almost pity for her other days. For now I will just focus on me and my own growth. Building myself up is the only thing that will prevent her from sucking me back in. I have to love myself enough to say no... .You are not good for me... .regardless of all of her reassuring tactics.

I thought I had burned all the bridges by ignoring her calls, blocking her number and blocking her and all of her family/friends from FB. I also removed my self from the team we were on, and the team info page. But most importantly... .I ignored her birthday. I figured she had painted me black for that one and would never recover.

I could be overreacting... .it was one blocked call. It's just the fear of that old pattern that worries me. Something tells me there will be more. And what impeccable timing she has. I'm going on an actual date tonight... .nothing serious, just figured I'd give it a shot. Hope shes not in stalker mode  

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you Misty Red. You are right, I should not be wasting energy on hatred. I do dream of the day of indifference, I feel it on my strong days... .Sometimes almost pity for her other days. For now I will just focus on me and my own growth. Building myself up is the only thing that will prevent her from sucking me back in. I have to love myself enough to say no... .You are not good for me... .regardless of all of her reassuring tactics.

I thought I had burned the bridges by ignoring her calls, blocking her number and blocking her and all of her family/friends from FB. Removed my self from the team we were on and the team info page. But most importantly... .ignoring her birthday. I figured she had painted me black for that one and would never recover. I could be overreacting... .it was one blocked call. It's just the fear of that old pattern that worries me. Something tells me there will be more. And what impeccable timing she has. I'm going on an actual date tonight... .nothing serious, just figured I'd give it a shot. Hope shes not in stalker mode  

I can tell you my emotions were all over the place for a long time... .anger, to pity, to hatred, to indifference, to sadness, back to anger... .holy ___! Allow yourself to feel what you feel - what you're feeling will not be the problem, what you do will either lead towards healing or self destruction.

This is the truth, I think: you are afraid of what YOU will do, not what she will do.  And, in some ways, this fear is irrational because you are in complete control over your actions.  Don't get hung up on the fact that your feelings (wild, all over the place, sometimes missing her) run rampant - that's not a big deal. Just work on making sure your ACTIONS ("ignoring her calls, blocking her number and blocking her and all of her family/friends from FB, etc." remain aligned with your desire to heal.

It's all about what you choose to DO. Your feelings will eventually fall into place, and it won't be so hard.

Someone once told me that people confuse feelings and actions, in a way - people think that they "feel" a certain way and then their actions should flow from their feelings.  But you can decide to take certain actions - even though your "feelings" are not aligned with them - and, over time, your feelings will actually start to change to be more aligned with those "actions" that felt uncomfortable and strange at the beginning.

That's your goal.  That's my goal, too.

[Mike-X]

Good stuff from misty_red & jhkbuzz.  

What I have found helpful is identifying the things that I enjoyed about the relationship and those things that I didn't. When anxiety would stir in me, I found myself thinking through and experiencing a range of emotions, including compassion, anger, sadness, etc., but it all came as a confusing mess. However, actually separating and labeling the things that I liked from the things that I didn't like seems to have given me more control over accepting my emotions over the relationship when they arise. So when an emotion is triggered, anger for example, I can say to myself, "well it is ok to be angry; this and this and this happened in the relationship, and it is ok to be angry about those things", or even when experiencing confusing, mixed emotions, I can say, "well that is a relationship with someone with BPD, one minute she is raging and the next asking if you want to go to a movie."

My thought is that the confusing mess of emotions was hitting me, because the good and bad were linked together in my mental representation of her and because I was experiencing my own confusion and guilt over having negative feelings about this girl who I loved that is living with this disorder. So maybe now I have a "girl I loved" representation and  a "BPD" representation.

I think that this has also helped me in interacting with her and others (BPD and not).

[Coffeeandsmokes]

Sanity, Ive said pretty much the same already on another thread this morning. Stay away. I've been sucked back in recently and it really hurts. She broke NC with a weird and pointless story (not sure if it's even true) but it justified the communication. Then the contact becomes more frequent, then we agree to meet and she lays it on thick, she sees how much hold she has over me as I love her so dam much. Ego massaged. I'm there for attention when no one else is available. I've plunged off the cliff again, hadn't been on here for weeks, now I'm back having to re-read my 'anti-lists' of all her negative behaviour and drip to my friends. You know what she's trying to do, please don't let it work for her. It won't make the pain go away.