My grieving lesson... answered.

[Sunfl0wer]

[L3]Lesson 1

Post on the leaving board: Where are you in the grieving process?

I am in between grieving and acceptance.  

This is a much better place for me than anger and bargaining. Anger and bargaining felt torturous, emotional, and unpredictable.  I felt so unraveled and un recognizable and raw.

I would like to say that I am in complete acceptance, but that would not be honest.  My grief is still there, however, it is a bit numb.  It started out quite full and expressive and has gradually quieted down.  I think that my grief is in some temporary hiding place in order for me to survive and focus on working enough to re establish myself.  It is now surfacing in more dribbles here and there vs the original downpour.

I am seeing things because of you guys and accepting who he is, who he is not and who I am and am not.  

I am so grateful to have found this place here on BPD family!  

Most recently I almost caught myself drawn back in to him.  He was being extra engaging and having fun with my S.  That is all I ever wanted, and he knows it, to just have a family.  He almost never even greets my S even hello/goodbye, so for him to invite him for a movie in the living room was unbelievable.  I felt such feelings of love.  Then I pulled back and observed things and noticed them in this new light.  I know that his actions were of selfish intent.  He likely got rejected from his D, took it personally and had no one to turn to for narcissistic supply.  

I did not let the emotion of love run freely through me without the escort of my logic understanding of his behavior/motives.  

Post on the leaving board: What do you struggle with most?

I have cut ties with my FOO due to abuse.  All I ever wanted was a family unit of my own.  I grew up, a little girl, fantasizing that I could even give up everything in the world just to have a few people that love me that I call family.  I daydreamed to live homeless under a bridge in the cold, but warmed by and sustained by the love around me.  

I am sad for my repeated "failures" at creating a family for myself.  I don't like living alone.  I like being able to visit and feel at home at others homes and have people over that are like family.

I struggle with the lost hope for this in uBPDexbf.  I felt very comfortable and at home with his friends and family.  

Thank you guys!

[Turkish]

I'm drawn to this:

.All I ever wanted was a family unit of my own.  I grew up, a little girl, fantasizing that I could even give up everything in the world just to have a few people that love me that I call family

I was adopted out of foster care at 2.4 by my dBPD dDepression mother. Due to her horrible FOO, she never had boyfriends, and didn't get married until I was 25, and 7 years out of her home. I always knd of resented her for never having a father, and in the 70s and 80s it was different than now. If anyone would ask me my dream, it would be to have the family I was denied. First, by my birth parents who were addicts and alcoholics, then, by my mother. Thus I mstakenly tried to form a family with a younger woman who told me in the beginning, "I hate marriage!" (Commitment)

I don't think what I desired was wrong, or a fantasy. Isn't it normal and healthy?

What wasn't normal and healthy is whom I chose for a partner.

[jhkbuzz]

[L3]Lesson 1

Post on the leaving board: Where are you in the grieving process?

I am in between grieving and acceptance.  

This is a much better place for me than anger and bargaining. Anger and bargaining felt torturous, emotional, and unpredictable.  I felt so unraveled and un recognizable and raw.

I would like to say that I am in complete acceptance, but that would not be honest.  My grief is still there, however, it is a bit numb.  It started out quite full and expressive and has gradually quieted down.  I think that my grief is in some temporary hiding place in order for me to survive and focus on working enough to re establish myself.  It is now surfacing in more dribbles here and there vs the original downpour.

I feel as though I'm in the exact same place... .how long since the b/u?

I don't actually think of it as being "numb" - I think it's grief running it's course, so I view it as natural and healthy.  The grief still ebbs and flows, but it's more "ebbing" than flowing - and that's because I'm healing.

I am seeing things because of you guys and accepting who he is, who he is not and who I am and am not.  

I think this has been one of the greatest gifts of healing - to see our ex's for who they truly are - not who we believed them to be at the beginning. This, although sad, is the very thing that has been freeing for me - the acceptance that she was a very damaged person when I met her, and who she "presented" herself to be was simply an amalgamation of what she thought I wanted. From this realization flows the understanding that the r/s was never what I thought it was. In many ways, I projected all of my hopes and dreams about a r/s onto her - and I guess that wasn't fair either. I am learning a lot about myself from this experience.

I am so grateful to have found this place here on BPD family!  

Most recently I almost caught myself drawn back in to him.  He was being extra engaging and having fun with my S.  That is all I ever wanted, and he knows it, to just have a family.  He almost never even greets my S even hello/goodbye, so for him to invite him for a movie in the living room was unbelievable.  I felt such feelings of love.  Then I pulled back and observed things and noticed them in this new light.  I know that his actions were of selfish intent.  He likely got rejected from his D, took it personally and had no one to turn to for narcissistic supply.  

I did not let the emotion of love run freely through me without the escort of my logic understanding of his behavior/motives.  

Post on the leaving board: What do you struggle with most?

I have cut ties with my FOO due to abuse.  All I ever wanted was a family unit of my own.  I grew up, a little girl, fantasizing that I could even give up everything in the world just to have a few people that love me that I call family.  I daydreamed to live homeless under a bridge in the cold, but warmed by and sustained by the love around me.  

I am sad for my repeated "failures" at creating a family for myself.  I don't like living alone.  I like being able to visit and feel at home at others homes and have people over that are like family.

I struggle with the lost hope for this in uBPDexbf.  I felt very comfortable and at home with his friends and family.  

Thank you guys!

If this experience helps you grow - to identify your own "stuff" and do the work to heal, then what you want (a family) will be an even greater possibility for you!

[going places]

I have cut ties with my FOO due to abuse.  All I ever wanted was a family unit of my own.  I grew up, a little girl, fantasizing that I could even give up everything in the world just to have a few people that love me that I call family.  I daydreamed to live homeless under a bridge in the cold, but warmed by and sustained by the love around me. 

I am sad for my repeated "failures" at creating a family for myself.  I don't like living alone.  I like being able to visit and feel at home at others homes and have people over that are like family.

I struggle with the lost hope for this in uBPDexbf.  I felt very comfortable and at home with his friends and family.

All I ever wanted was this big giant family... .where you have huge dinners, everyone talking, playing cards, board games; kids playing outside while the adults sat in lawn chairs and talked and laughed... .

I tried that.

I opened my home. I spent my last dime making meals to feed the masses.

I cleaned up huge messes.

We were a rag tag group; most of us coming from a mixed bag of childhoods... .

At first, my ex monster-in-law would whine to my ex that she didn't like it when so many people were over, she just wanted it to be her and her bf.

Then one of his friends began to verbally abuse me.

that went on for years, until I said ENOUGH and forbid him from the home.

((I showed a T the emails he had sent to me... .and the T concurred that this was NOT a healthy relationship and me putting distance was very wise)).

The harder I tried to 'create' this big family, all I did was "wade thru the swamp and collect leaches".

So you know what?

I love having folks around, I love cooking and entertaining.

So I am going to open my own restaurant.

If I wasn't going to do that?

I would volunteer somewhere where I was cooking - entertaining folks.

I pray my children marry into large happy healthy families.

It's all I ever wanted for myself, and my kids.

[Sunfl0wer]

I was adopted out of foster care at 2.4 by my dBPD dDepression mother. Due to her horrible FOO, she never had boyfriends, and didn't get married until I was 25, and 7 years out of her home. I always knd of resented her for never having a father, and in the 70s and 80s it was different than now. If anyone would ask me my dream, it would be to have the family I was denied. First, by my birth parents who were addicts and alcoholics, then, by my mother. Thus I mstakenly tried to form a family with a younger woman who told me in the beginning, "I hate marriage!" (Commitment)

Thank you Turkish.  I was raised in foster care then adopted by a uBPDmom with bipolar.  The dynamic of them all in that family was hell.  (Feeling both grateful and sad that you can relate)

I don't think what I desired was wrong, or a fantasy. Isn't it normal and healthy?

What wasn't normal and healthy is whom I chose for a partner.

Hummm, maybe it is normal.  However, I want to be able to be content no matter what my circumstance.  I may or may not find a partner, a family but I want to not have a longing for something missing.  Can't I eventually find it within myself to no longer feel like something is missing, no matter what my situation?

I worry that my longing is what contributed to getting myself in an un satisfying r/s.

[Sunfl0wer]

Jhkbuzz,

I feel as though I'm in the exact same place... .how long since the b/u?

About 8 months he declared us b/u, but it was confusing because our MC was still working with us to help him overcome things in case we could work through it.  It has been about 2 months since MC told me we are indeed now broken up and to move on.  This was all so confusing and painful as exBF would send so many mixed messages.  The past two months have been consistent withdrawal/disengagement.


Ooops... .it's late... gotta run... .will finish posting here later!

[Sunfl0wer]

I don't actually think of it as being "numb" - I think it's grief running it's course, so I view it as natural and healthy.  The grief still ebbs and flows, but it's more "ebbing" than flowing - and that's because I'm healing.

Thank you jhkbuzz,  I think this is a better way to frame it. 

I think this has been one of the greatest gifts of healing - to see our ex's for who they truly are - not who we believed them to be at the beginning. This, although sad, is the very thing that has been freeing for me - the acceptance that she was a very damaged person when I met her, and who she "presented" herself to be was simply an amalgamation of what she thought I wanted. From this realization flows the understanding that the r/s was never what I thought it was. In many ways, I projected all of my hopes and dreams about a r/s onto her - and I guess that wasn't fair either. I am learning a lot about myself from this experience.

Yes, definitely! 

Especially: 

I projected all of my hopes and dreams about a r/s onto her - and I guess that wasn't fair either. I am learning a lot about myself from this experience.

A lot of time can be spent focusing on what they did wrong, however, I believe a different level of healing is produced when we are able to shift focus on learning about ourselves.  I know that I did this too, projected my hopes onto him.  It is not something I like to admit, but hearing you admit it makes it easier for me to see in myself.  It maybe the most painful loss of this r/s, to loose my imagined perfect guy.  :/

[Sunfl0wer]

[The harder I tried to 'create' this big family, all I did was "wade thru the swamp and collect leaches".

So you know what?

I love having folks around, I love cooking and entertaining.

So I am going to open my own restaurant.

If I wasn't going to do that?

I would volunteer somewhere where I was cooking - entertaining folks.

/quote]

Going places, what a fantastic idea!  Love it!

Yes, I love the idea of finding a creative way to get these desires met!  Good for you! 

I'm thinking that I may make a minor change in my career.  I currently work my own business, however, I'm interviewing today for a position in a building.  One of the things that is attractive to me is the idea of having coworkers again.  I have in the past felt my coworkers to be like a good family unit and I suspect that I would feel the same about this new team.

Thanks again guys! 

[Sunfl0wer]

Oops, I messed up that last quote... .hopefully you can decipher.

[jhkbuzz]

I don't actually think of it as being "numb" - I think it's grief running it's course, so I view it as natural and healthy.  The grief still ebbs and flows, but it's more "ebbing" than flowing - and that's because I'm healing.

Thank you jhkbuzz,  I think this is a better way to frame it.  

I think this has been one of the greatest gifts of healing - to see our ex's for who they truly are - not who we believed them to be at the beginning. This, although sad, is the very thing that has been freeing for me - the acceptance that she was a very damaged person when I met her, and who she "presented" herself to be was simply an amalgamation of what she thought I wanted. From this realization flows the understanding that the r/s was never what I thought it was. In many ways, I projected all of my hopes and dreams about a r/s onto her - and I guess that wasn't fair either. I am learning a lot about myself from this experience.

Yes, definitely!  

Especially:  

I projected all of my hopes and dreams about a r/s onto her - and I guess that wasn't fair either. I am learning a lot about myself from this experience.

A lot of time can be spent focusing on what they did wrong, however, I believe a different level of healing is produced when we are able to shift focus on learning about ourselves. I know that I did this too, projected my hopes onto him.  It is not something I like to admit, but hearing you admit it makes it easier for me to see in myself.  It maybe the most painful loss of this r/s, to loose my imagined perfect guy.  :/

You know, I think some of this projection is normal.  Let's not beat ourselves up too much!

My hopes for a r/s?  Healthy, reciprocal emotional support between lifelong partners... .trust, faithfulness... .these are all good, healthy, life-affirming desires.

But where I went wrong?  I wanted this so much that I failed to look closely enough at the person I thought I could get them from.  And THAT is my mistake. I've paid dearly for that mistake, so other than learning what I can and moving forward, I am not going to beat myself up over it!

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for clarifying jhkbuzz,  I hear a slight difference that is good to observe.

You know, I think some of this projection is normal.  Let's not beat ourselves up too much!

My hopes for a r/s?  Healthy, reciprocal emotional support between lifelong partners... .trust, faithfulness... .these are all good, healthy, life-affirming desires.

But where I went wrong?  I wanted this so much that I failed to look closely enough at the person I thought I could get them from.  And THAT is my mistake. I've paid dearly for that mistake, so other than learning what I can and moving forward, I am not going to beat myself up over it!

I think my desires for what I want in a relationship are NOT an imagined unrealistic perfection, as I originally implied.  They ARE healthy. 

I want mutual respect demonstrated in words, decisions and actions.

I want genuine connection... .Of two people who are able to get in touch with themselves and share that with one another.

I want stability, of commitment to grow old together, from someone who understands growing old is not always pretty.

I want a person who feels life is about learning and growing and has room and capacity to make that a process to share with me, just as I expect to share my growth process with him.  This is the part I enjoy most about life, the growing and learning, this is fun.  I want to have this in common for a shared joy between us.

I want someone that I can play with.

I like the way that sounds! 

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you for clarifying jhkbuzz,  I hear a slight difference that is good to observe.

You know, I think some of this projection is normal.  Let's not beat ourselves up too much!

My hopes for a r/s?  Healthy, reciprocal emotional support between lifelong partners... .trust, faithfulness... .these are all good, healthy, life-affirming desires.

But where I went wrong?  I wanted this so much that I failed to look closely enough at the person I thought I could get them from.  And THAT is my mistake. I've paid dearly for that mistake, so other than learning what I can and moving forward, I am not going to beat myself up over it!

I think my desires for what I want in a relationship are NOT an imagined unrealistic perfection, as I originally implied.  They ARE healthy. 

I want mutual respect demonstrated in words, decisions and actions.

I want genuine connection... .Of two people who are able to get in touch with themselves and share that with one another.

I want stability, of commitment to grow old together, from someone who understands growing old is not always pretty.

I want a person who feels life is about learning and growing and has room and capacity to make that a process to share with me, just as I expect to share my growth process with him.  This is the part I enjoy most about life, the growing and learning, this is fun.  I want to have this in common for a shared joy between us.

I want someone that I can play with.

I like the way that sounds! 

[^^^LIKE]