Could I just be a loser?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

First off, I've really been working on myself and trying to make changes.  In fact, I've been working on myself my whole life.  I'm 47 now and my whole life has basically sucked.

If I make a decision it's the wrong one.  I work my butt off and I can't seem to get anywhere, in fact, my job performance is declining.

I just don't know what the heck to do.

Growing up I was constantly belittled and criticized by my parents.  My personality, my appearance, my efforts, my thoughts and feelings, they were all ridiculed and beat down.  I'm still self-conscious as hell.

I can't seem to improve anything.  Sure I work out and I am gaining muscle and so forth, but my inner worth has taken such a beating that I can't seem to get back up.

The only time I was really happy in life was when I was being love bombed by my wife.  It was the only time that I really felt loved and valued.

I just don't know what I can do to turn things around for myself!

Sorry for the vent.

[workinprogress]

First off, I've really been working on myself and trying to make changes.  In fact, I've been working on myself my whole life.  I'm 47 now and my whole life has basically sucked.

If I make a decision it's the wrong one.  I work my butt off and I can't seem to get anywhere, in fact, my job performance is declining.

I just don't know what the heck to do.

Growing up I was constantly belittled and criticized by my parents.  My personality, my appearance, my efforts, my thoughts and feelings, they were all ridiculed and beat down.  I'm still self-conscious as hell.

I can't seem to improve anything.  Sure I work out and I am gaining muscle and so forth, but my inner worth has taken such a beating that I can't seem to get back up.

The only time I was really happy in life was when I was being love bombed by my wife.  It was the only time that I really felt loved and valued.

I just don't know what I can do to turn things around for myself!

Sorry for the vent.

[Heldfast]

Youtube George does the opposite from Seinfeld, you sound like you need the laugh. Chances are that you are not, youre just in a bad place right now. But hey, uf we need these.moments to beat purselves up, why not use them for some good.? Get out, try something adventurous. Littlethings... .then bigger ones.

[workinprogress]

Youtube George does the opposite from Seinfeld, you sound like you need the laugh. Chances are that you are not, youre just in a bad place right now. But hey, uf we need these.moments to beat purselves up, why not use them for some good.? Get out, try something adventurous. Littlethings... .then bigger ones.

Thanks.  I am doing little things with the kids.  We enjoy our time together. 

Work is just going so bad, it seems the harder I try the worse it gets.  The stress is just grinding me down.

I can't seem to make any progress in my marriage, or I think I am making progress, then it all goes bad in a days time.  I can't figure it out.

[workinprogress]

To add to this again, things were improving with my wife and I.  Then, a friend of hers' came back from out of town, and it seems like I'm being painted black.  I swear I think these women just try to wreck one another's marriages/relationships.

[eeks]

Your description of your parents reminds me of my dad's parents.  I am not close with my dad, what I  know I mostly know secondhand from my mom, but apparently my father could never do anything right, according to his parents, especially his father.  My grandfather was a cabinetmaker, and owned a business, and my dad came home from shop class in grade 8 or 9 and his dad apparently looked at his project and said "oh you think you're something really special, don't you?"  (in other words it was probably a decent woodworking job, but his dad had to nail him on something)

Total hypocrite, of course (my grandfather hired someone to landscape his lawn and told all the neighbours he did it himself) but for me at least, that doesn't matter to the parent-child relationship and feelings of unworthiness (speaking from the attenuated version of this that I got from my father:  especially regarding career success and money).  I still feel I was not good enough to get respect and approval from him.

My father will be turning 70 this year, and I won't say he's a total failure, but nowhere near his potential. 

So you have to think of a couple of things here... .your parents not only installed a faulty "inner voice" that criticizes you in a stressful and counterproductive manner, they also (if I may make a guess) did not provide healthy role models (from which a child gains implicit learning, sort of like by osmosis) for how to treat yourself and each other during success, failure, how to make decisions and when to change course, etc.

[workinprogress]

Your description of your parents reminds me of my dad's parents.  I am not close with my dad, what I  know I mostly know secondhand from my mom, but apparently my father could never do anything right, according to his parents, especially his father.  My grandfather was a cabinetmaker, and owned a business, and my dad came home from shop class in grade 8 or 9 and his dad apparently looked at his project and said "oh you think you're something really special, don't you?"  (in other words it was probably a decent woodworking job, but his dad had to nail him on something)

Total hypocrite, of course (my grandfather hired someone to landscape his lawn and told all the neighbours he did it himself) but for me at least, that doesn't matter to the parent-child relationship and feelings of unworthiness (speaking from the attenuated version of this that I got from my father:  especially regarding career success and money).  I still feel I was not good enough to get respect and approval from him.

My father will be turning 70 this year, and I won't say he's a total failure, but nowhere near his potential. 

So you have to think of a couple of things here... .your parents not only installed a faulty "inner voice" that criticizes you in a stressful and counterproductive manner, they also (if I may make a guess) did not provide healthy role models (from which a child gains implicit learning, sort of like by osmosis) for how to treat yourself and each other during success, failure, how to make decisions and when to change course, etc.

You are correct.  We weren't close, but he and my mom smothered my life in a way.

Like your grandfather, my dad would randomly lie to me and everyone around him about things that just didn't matter.

It was tough growing up there.

[Suzn]

workinprogress, I love your name because that's what you are. Being able to talk about how you feel is courageous, which is always progress. Have you considered daily positive affirmations? They work. They start with "I am" and you fill in the rest. I am looking good! I am going to enjoy this day, even at work. I am worthy, lovable and kind. Anything you are feeling down about try an opposite action. Even if you don't believe it at first keep going. Look up positive quotes, I got in the habit of this and it really helped my negative inner voice.

That little boy inside of you is needing to hear how great you think he is. You CAN be the one who helps him feel better about himself. This takes time and as silly as it may sound talking to him will help you trust yourself, help you absorb your new positive self talk.

Keep working out, don't give up. This produces endorphins that give you a boost emotionally.