My entire family has turned against me... I have no one who loves me

[kharma]

I am crying right now because I have no one who loves me. My entire family has turned against me and I don't know why

I work from home, in my room. It's the first time in my life that I've been able to hold down a job and make steady income. When I first started working from home(I do phone customer service work), my sister would stop by and she would purposely open the door and disrupt me while I was working. She knew I was working because the phone would be ringing.  I would get upset and slam the door shut. My mother would do the same thing, while in the  middle of a call, I can hear her outside the door listening, and she'd burst in and start talking. Irritated I would put the phone on mute and tell me my mother to leave because I can't have her walking in on me during work hours. This was all done on purpose. Again, during work hours, my sister tells her son to ask me a question and when he enters, I tell him "I cant talk right now Chad Im on a call with a customer". This was another strategic move. Now, my sister tells her kids I am 'mean' and says to avoid me or else I'll slam the door shut in their face or turn them away

Nothing I do is ever good enough. Now that I work I buy my sister's kids bday presents, xmas presents and none of this every changes a thing. She constantly tries to paint me as this cold 'saaphire'.

When my mother gets sick none of my compassion or empathy is acknowledged. I'm only doing this out of obligation not because I truly love her. My father hates me

My mother doesn't like it when I buy myself new clothes and she gets angry and tells me that im not allowed to buy things when i live in her house. I recently lost a lot of weight and she told me that she doesn't want me around because she doesnt like to see me thin. She starts fights with me a lot, hits me, throws stuff at me and threatens to break my computer and shut off the power so I cant work from home.

my sister recently bought a new house and didn't even talk to me about it. she'll stop by and tell my parents but will not even mention it to me. if she gets a new car, house, she never tells me. but will try to interrupt me during work to ask me NOTHING.

I recently got into an argument w/ my sister about why she didn't tell me that she bought a new house. why is she singling me out like this? and she again, painted me as the 'mean sapphire' and said that she didnt tell me because she's scared to knock on the door or else I'll yell at her. I told her that she could have called or text me. She made up excuses and said "everytime I come to your door you get angry and yell at me." She never addressed not picking up the phone and calling me about getting a new house. Since I was angry she painted me as confrontational when I was hurt by the rejection.

No one in my family stood up for me at all. I have no idea why they all hate me. I know I should leave but I am scared to live alone. I dont have a boyfriend, no friends, children, nothing. I just want someone to love me. I dont want to live in a apartment by myself. Not to mention, I can't even afford to live alone because I only make 10/hr.

I have no idea why they are all against me. Why can't I have anything? Anytime I buy somthing for myself they make it seem as if I'm doing something demonic or evil. But everyone one else can buy what they want. My mother beats me up but Im the mean one?

[Kwamina]

Hi kharma

I am very sorry to hear that you are still having these difficulties with your family. You were having a bad day yesterday. How do you feel now that a day has passed?

Dealing with BPD and other types of dysfunctional family-members isn't easy and can really take a toll on you. It's unfortunate that at this point in time you feel that you don't have the financial means to get your own place to live. While you're still in this difficult situation, what might help you is to keep telling yourself that no matter what your family-members say or do, their behavior isn't a reflection of who you really are at all. It's most likely only a reflection of their own inner turmoil and negativity that they find difficult to handle and are projecting onto you. Repeating this to yourself will hopefully make it easier for you to not take their behavior that personally anymore. How do you feel about what I've said here?

I know I should leave but I am scared to live alone.

Living alone for the first time can sometimes definitely feel initimidating. Just the thought can sometimes overwhelm you. Could you eloborate on why you feel so scared to live alone? Do you think it might have to do with all the negative things your family-members have said to you?

[SunflowerFields]

As I see it, this is your objective situation and your choices:

Situation:

Abusive and controlling family makes you feel worthless and behaves in ways to limit your contact with the outside world to keep you under their control. This (1) makes you feel afraid to be alone, and (2) leaves you with few  opportunities to meet someone

You have two choices to deal the (real and understandable) fear of being alone:

Choice one:

Succumb to the fear of being alone and do nothing. Stay with your family, hoping you will somehow, someway meet someone who will then be your escape route from the family. With this scenario, the chances of you actually having the opportunity to meet someone, get to know them, date them - and for them to be the right person for you - and emotionally healthy - are miniscule. It takes a lot of trials and dating different people to know and meet someone who is right for you. The emotionally healthy part won't happen until you are emotionally healthy yourself - which you are not at the present time - so you can cross this one out. This leaves you by default with people who are as emotionally damaged as you are - likely people similar to your parents - they won't make you happy - and you'll end up right back on this board.

Choice two:

Face your fear of being alone - embrace it fully - and decide to beat it. Find a cheap room in a place with roommates you can afford. Feel confidence boost because you've escaped your abusive family.  Feel the fear of being alone family not around overwhelm you. Allow yourself to feel frantic. Find avenues to beat this feeling by meeting different people. Ever heard of meetup.com? Find groups you like, social,  activity, anything, and get out there. Get your confidence up. Post a dating profile. Go out and date, again and again. Get away from your family's abuse and allow yourself the real opportunity to meet someone worthy while getting healthier yourself.

The only way to make any significant progress in life is to face fears that keep you from it head on.

Which option would you like to take?

[semmel]

I agree with SunflowerFields.

Except for me, there is no choice - get out!

There are a few possible reasons why you might be singled out, and most likely NONE of those reasons say anything negative about you - they just make you an idea target for abuse.

I'm going to guess that you're sensitive, generally like to help people (not your family, though, and that's OK), and you have extreme guilt for not doing what they tell you. They have been raising you to be a personal slave! So go get out.

A few notes on that, though:

A lot of victims of abuse leave one abusive relationship only to run straight into another. So make sure you find a few people who truly are supportive of you and who you are. Learn to trust your gut! It is your best tool!

Another problem with abuse victims: They often believe they deserved the abuse. No, they don't, and neither do you!

And yet another result of being abused is often that leaving is very scary. The abuse is not scary - it may be painful, but not scary: Because you are used to it. You grew up with it, and it's what you know. It feels comfortable in a weird way - much more comfortable than to go and try something completely new. That's why abuse victims go find more abusers... .So go and expand your comfort zone - you have to!

Learn to trust yourself and know that all the stuff your family is doing to you has NOTHING to do with you or what you do or who you are! Anyone who they can find vulnerable enough would become their victim. That says nothing about you.

Concentrate on doing things you enjoy or which you are good at. Smile to yourself in the mirror when you can. Know that you are a valuable person - much more than the abusive family you're leaving behind!

Also, there is never shame in asking for help! Find an abuse support group in the area, but only AFTER you've found a new place to live!

Once you're gone, don't give them your contact information or address! Just go and leave them be. The more contact you have with them, the more they will think about you and try to get you back.

Good luck!

[funfunctional]

Hi Kharma,

YOu know... .I had a bad day yesterday too.  I agree with whoever said you had a bad day.   Why don't we feel loved?   Why do we feel rejected?  Are we the ones setting up the scenario to feel rejected?  What in our past led to this pattern of our feeling this way?  I am asking all these questions because sometimes I feel a little like this.  I am older and have my own kids so I think we are at different stages in life. 

However,  in your post I hear a lot of mixed messages.   The reason they are mixed from both sides is that communication... .communication!   I think you are frustrated at the disrespect given to you in working from home.    I totally GET THAT.  I worked from home for a while and I totally get it.  It is a bit like they don't treat it like a REAL job.   You are still available in their minds.    I am not excusing their behavior.  However,  I will say "they don't get it".   So how do you respond?  You explain to everyone in the house and put a sign on your door that you are currently working and ":)o not Disturb Please - Work in Progress".    You can also post my break time is at 12:00pm if you wish to speak to me.     I think you need to set boundaries so this isn't so stressful for you.    As far as not feeling loved I think you are a lot more loved than you see.   I think you need to make it clear to your family that during these times you don't want to be disturbed but leave open the door the times you are free.  Otherwise I think the goof balls don't know how to respond to your frustration.   

That all being said I don't know your history and I am reading the posts below and it sounds like there is a LOT more to this than just this one post.   Your family may have gotten used to you being the one to "put down" and passive aggressivly working against you succeeding.   So I think all the others advice is good advice.     Good luck!  Keep on working hard and don't let your dream balloons get popped by the others.     

[semmel]

I very much agree with this:

You are still available in their minds.

I know that one from personal experience. You are nearby, they can get to you, so they will.

What I have trouble with is the idea that it is possible to set boundaries in a family like this.

I hope I'm not out of line saying this, but in my experience, people like your family really don't care about you or your boundaries - they only care about what they can get out of you, and it doesn't matter if you give them a reason to disrespect you - they'll make one up if it suits them.

The rules of common sense things like boundaries do not apply to the severe cases of BPD or narcissists or the like. There IS no analyzing and fully understanding their behavior because it is so twisted and alien that it defies common sense, and that makes it so incredibly hard to accept the situation... .

You can try setting boundaries, and hopefully I am wrong about this. I'm just thinking that if you put up a sign "do not disturb", they will either disturb you anyway because "it's an emergency" or "I thought you'd like to know" or other excuses, or they will make you the villain and alienate you even more - all because you are standing up for yourself. That is the one thing these people cannot have - their victim trying to escape their grasp.

Again, I think it is most important to remember that NONE of this is YOUR fault or your doing, and the reason you are not being loved has NOTHING to do with you! Chances are you are a very lovable and wonderful person because that is the kind of person that this kind of people likes to attack. So the best thing to do is to go out and find others who CAN accept and love you, and ideally get some distance between you and your family.

[funfunctional]

Hi,

Best choice is to move out but what I read was that Kharma can't do that.

I do think Kharma can try some boundaries but that doesn't guarantee they will work of course.  I think it does make her intentions clear and may empower her that the clear message has been sent.

In my opinion if we have a whole LIFE full of people that we feel rejected by and unloved by than maybe Kharma can do some things to change that.   Whatever damage has been done to Kharma's self image is affecting relationships with people outside the home.    The signs are more for Kharma than for the others... .but maybe when they come to Kharma's door a pointing to the sign and confident unemotional response could be had.  Right now they are getting the response that they want.  Change that response.   

Besides moving out what would you like Kharma to do?  Do you think we own any part of our situation(s) in life?  It's not about blame it's about figuring out what we can do to react or respond or non-respond.  Change our behavioral response.    Telling someone to move out when they can't afford to right now I didn't see as helpful even if it really is the best choice.   

What do the experts here recommend? 

[clljhns]

  kharma,

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling now. I wanted to join the conversation because I support what others are telling you, but I also wanted to add one thing: do you love yourself?

The title of your post states that no one loves you. What about you? Having our self-esteem damaged by BPD parents can lead us to a life-time of self-loathing and feeling as if we don't deserve love. Do you think this is true for you?

I understand your need to feel loved and supported by others, it is a natural part of the human condition. What do you think would help you to find people who can offer the support and love you deserve? What does it mean to love yourself?

Wishing you all the best and looking forward to hearing from you. 

[kharma]

I very much agree with this:

You are still available in their minds.

I know that one from personal experience. You are nearby, they can get to you, so they will.

What I have trouble with is the idea that it is possible to set boundaries in a family like this.

I hope I'm not out of line saying this, but in my experience, people like your family really don't care about you or your boundaries - they only care about what they can get out of you, and it doesn't matter if you give them a reason to disrespect you - they'll make one up if it suits them.

The rules of common sense things like boundaries do not apply to the severe cases of BPD or narcissists or the like. There IS no analyzing and fully understanding their behavior because it is so twisted and alien that it defies common sense, and that makes it so incredibly hard to accept the situation... .

You can try setting boundaries, and hopefully I am wrong about this. I'm just thinking that if you put up a sign "do not disturb", they will either disturb you anyway because "it's an emergency" or "I thought you'd like to know" or other excuses, or they will make you the villain and alienate you even more - all because you are standing up for yourself. That is the one thing these people cannot have - their victim trying to escape their grasp.

Again, I think it is most important to remember that NONE of this is YOUR fault or your doing, and the reason you are not being loved has NOTHING to do with you! Chances are you are a very lovable and wonderful person because that is the kind of person that this kind of people likes to attack. So the best thing to do is to go out and find others who CAN accept and love you, and ideally get some distance between you and your family.

You hit it right on the nail. My mother does not respect my boundaries. Putting a ':)o Not disturb' sign on the door during working hours will infuriate her because in her crazy mind, I don't have the right or the privilege to create boundaries in my life. She also translate this as me trying to control her and the entire family.

I work two at home jobs so I rarely get a chance to leave the house. I am desperately trying to accumulate enough savings so I can have something to fall back on in case of an emergency. Now, this is causing an issue because she nags and picks fights with me that I 'work' too much. I don't leave the house often enough and I'm a nutcase. Recently she tried to convince me to quit one of my at home jobs. Dad is angry because my used car just sits in the backyard, and the engine needs to be started everyday... he argues that I don't appreciate it. This is their their new weapon. Before, when I was in college full time, she used to nag and pick fights that I needed to work more, make more money, tried to bully me to quit college... .she's a miserable piece of shyt

No matter what I do it causes anger and resentment... she gets suspicious of how much money I have because I haven't had any issues paying her rent and the car insurance every month... she accuses me of 'hiding' extra money or earning more than what I tell her. It's MY money though.  They even estimate how much money I may have saved in the bank so far...

If I leave now, I don't think i can manage. rent, phone bill, internet bill, food, car insurance etc I want to stay longer and save as much as I can... .but its so hard dealing with this drama.

I honestly dont know what my goal in life is... .I feel so lost right now

[Kwamina]

Hi kharma,

I can relate to your anger and frustration. I too struggled when I still lived with my uBPD mom. Since you're still living there, as hard as it may be I suggest you take a look at what you can do yourself that might make things better for you. Regardless of whether your family-members change their behavior or not, by changing your own behavior you can change the dynamics of your relationship with them. Are you familiar with the communications techniques described on this website such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.?

If I leave now, I don't think i can manage. rent, phone bill, internet bill, food, car insurance etc I want to stay longer and save as much as I can... .but its so hard dealing with this drama.

I honestly dont know what my goal in life is... .I feel so lost right now

You work from home, but do you perhaps know of any co-workers from your company that might be looking for a roommate? Perhaps that could be a temporary solution for you. Another thing to consider is if your company might also offer the possibility of working from the office instead of from home.

[semmel]

That's the problem with families like yours - damned if you do, damned if you don't. Even if you don't do anything to incite their anger, they'll make something up. ":)on't appreciate the car" - yea right... .How about "can't use the car with you people breathing down my neck all the time"?

The sad truth is that people rarely change unless they feel the need to, and in my experience BPD's feel they are entitled and above everyone. Besides, as long as they have someone to victimize and feed on, why would they change?

I'm sure you feel very lost - that's what they want you to feel. They want to dominate you to the point where you offer them the least bit of resistance because you know the consequences of trying to be your own person.

But you know perfectly well that what they are doing is wrong no matter how they "justify" it - that is why you're here, and that is good!

I think a worthy goal could be to get out and start taking care of someone who deserves it - you. Taking care of your own needs is again something that the abuser doesn't want you to do, but it is such an important thing to learn for everyone (I've been there myself - it's hard, but so worth it!).

Keep that rebellious streak of yours! I love it that you said "It's MY money though." That's the spirit you'll need to get out of there, and you already have it! With that determination, you can make it!

Try to see hope in the thought of getting out of there, and don't let them discourage you, and don't ever feel worthless - who is more worthless: The person who gets beaten for no reason at all or the person who dishes out the beatings? Another word for everyone in your family: Bullies, the lot of them! One of the most worthless groups of people in my opinion (quite literally because they substitute their own self-worth with how much they can dominate others).

Here's a question: If these were complete strangers that you lived with and they abused you this way, would you stay? Think about it - the only tie you have with them is that you happened to be born into their midst. I bet they'd love to tell you that this means you are stuck with them for the rest of your life - but I say they are just random people, in fact they are exactly like strangers because they don't even know who you are.

I'm hoping that at least your emails are still your own and private (and I hope you password protected your computer). Could you use the internet to look for other resources anonymously?

There might be cheap housing possibilities out there you haven't thought of. People might be looking for room mates to share a place. Maybe even a few months of house sitting might be worth considering - since you spend a lot of time at home, someone out there might be looking for exactly that, and that would give you more time to search for another place. And most of all, you'd finally have some peace.

Try to make a plan of what you really need at the least. Obviously, you'll need internet and a phone and a room to work in - but does it have to be your own house? Does it have to be a house at all, or will a flat/apartment/room work as well? There is bound to be some solution out there that will work for you.

I know of people who have lived on cheap Ramen noodles for a few months to get them through a hard time. The more you can share with room mates, the easier you'll manage.

And once you are out, you'll start healing, and in time you'll be able to make other changes - find a better paying job, have more spare time, find a place of your own, etc.

I know it's scary, but I think I see that glimmer of a strong will in your writings that can get you through this!

[funfunctional]

I hope you can move out soon kharma.   I like the raman noodles comment.  Once you get yourself out of that environment you will finally hAve a chance to look back and see how much negativity and fear you hAve lived with.   

I think you are a step away from independence and once u get it you are going to do great.

Best to you

[kharma]

Hi kharma,

I can relate to your anger and frustration. I too struggled when I still lived with my uBPD mom. Since you're still living there, as hard as it may be I suggest you take a look at what you can do yourself that might make things better for you. Regardless of whether your family-members change their behavior or not, by changing your own behavior you can change the dynamics of your relationship with them. Are you familiar with the communications techniques described on this website such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.?

If I leave now, I don't think i can manage. rent, phone bill, internet bill, food, car insurance etc I want to stay longer and save as much as I can... .but its so hard dealing with this drama.

I honestly dont know what my goal in life is... .I feel so lost right now

You work from home, but do you perhaps know of any co-workers from your company that might be looking for a roommate? Perhaps that could be a temporary solution for you. Another thing to consider is if your company might also offer the possibility of working from the office instead of from home.

Working outside the home is too stressful. I have a used car that can go stop working at any given moment and then I'll be out of a job. Working from home makes it easy for  me to consistently work and earn income without any setbacks. Also, whenever I work outside the house I ALWAYS get fired. I've been able to hold down one of my work at home jobs for two years and I haven't been able to do that outside the home in a long time

[kharma]

That's the problem with families like yours - damned if you do, damned if you don't. Even if you don't do anything to incite their anger, they'll make something up. ":)on't appreciate the car" - yea right... .How about "can't use the car with you people breathing down my neck all the time"?

The sad truth is that people rarely change unless they feel the need to, and in my experience BPD's feel they are entitled and above everyone. Besides, as long as they have someone to victimize and feed on, why would they change?

I'm sure you feel very lost - that's what they want you to feel. They want to dominate you to the point where you offer them the least bit of resistance because you know the consequences of trying to be your own person.

But you know perfectly well that what they are doing is wrong no matter how they "justify" it - that is why you're here, and that is good!

I think a worthy goal could be to get out and start taking care of someone who deserves it - you. Taking care of your own needs is again something that the abuser doesn't want you to do, but it is such an important thing to learn for everyone (I've been there myself - it's hard, but so worth it!).

Keep that rebellious streak of yours! I love it that you said "It's MY money though." That's the spirit you'll need to get out of there, and you already have it! With that determination, you can make it!

Try to see hope in the thought of getting out of there, and don't let them discourage you, and don't ever feel worthless - who is more worthless: The person who gets beaten for no reason at all or the person who dishes out the beatings? Another word for everyone in your family: Bullies, the lot of them! One of the most worthless groups of people in my opinion (quite literally because they substitute their own self-worth with how much they can dominate others).

Here's a question: If these were complete strangers that you lived with and they abused you this way, would you stay? Think about it - the only tie you have with them is that you happened to be born into their midst. I bet they'd love to tell you that this means you are stuck with them for the rest of your life - but I say they are just random people, in fact they are exactly like strangers because they don't even know who you are.

I'm hoping that at least your emails are still your own and private (and I hope you password protected your computer). Could you use the internet to look for other resources anonymously?

There might be cheap housing possibilities out there you haven't thought of. People might be looking for room mates to share a place. Maybe even a few months of house sitting might be worth considering - since you spend a lot of time at home, someone out there might be looking for exactly that, and that would give you more time to search for another place. And most of all, you'd finally have some peace.

Try to make a plan of what you really need at the least. Obviously, you'll need internet and a phone and a room to work in - but does it have to be your own house? Does it have to be a house at all, or will a flat/apartment/room work as well? There is bound to be some solution out there that will work for you.

I know of people who have lived on cheap Ramen noodles for a few months to get them through a hard time. The more you can share with room mates, the easier you'll manage.

And once you are out, you'll start healing, and in time you'll be able to make other changes - find a better paying job, have more spare time, find a place of your own, etc.

I know it's scary, but I think I see that glimmer of a strong will in your writings that can get you through this!

Once I move out, where do I go from there? Will I forever have to slave two jobs just to make a living? I literally work all day long for about 6 days a week, just to earn a decent income. One of my work at home jobs only pays me 8/hr. I am not happy about where my life is headed and dont feel exactly motivated to move out and work two jobs just to live in a small room. I will have no life whatsoever. I can't even go to college if I wanted to because it will take both jobs to pay rent

My mother mislead me and had me thinking that she was going to help me get back on my feet so I can finish school to earn more money. But lately she has been nitpicking with me a lot. Well this isn't new.  Again, while i was working, she attempted to push my computer off the desk and caused me to lose internet connection. We were arguing for about 20-30 minutes and this could result in a write up for me because I wasnt working. She also threw all my food into the garbage and told me i wasn't allowed to eat in her home or even drink water. I'm so freakin tired of this mess. Everytime i start doing the right thing and getting on the right track, she puts a huge obstacle in my way. Once she's done with me I wont have a job and then what am I going to do ?

[semmel]

Once I move out, where do I go from there? Will I forever have to slave two jobs just to make a living? I literally work all day long for about 6 days a week, just to earn a decent income. One of my work at home jobs only pays me 8/hr. I am not happy about where my life is headed and dont feel exactly motivated to move out and work two jobs just to live in a small room. I will have no life whatsoever. I can't even go to college if I wanted to because it will take both jobs to pay rent

My mother mislead me and had me thinking that she was going to help me get back on my feet and finish school so I can earn more money. But lately she has been nitpicking with me a lot. Again, while i was working, she attempted to push my computer off the desk and caused me to lose internet connection. We were arguing for about 20-30 minutes and this is going to result in a write up for me. She also threw all my food into the garbage and told me i wasn't allowed to eat in her home or even drink water

Good grief, that woman is horrible :-(

Obviously, working two jobs to be able to afford one room is not the end goal.

The idea is to get out of this house and away from these people whose main goal is to hold you back.

Imagine how much more relaxed you'll be able to work without people interrupting or just plain sabotaging you... .

Being more relaxed will likely give you more energy, and you can use that to do whatever it takes to find better work or to further your education.

Basically, the way I see it, as long as you stay with your family, you'll be stuck all your life, no matter what. They'll continue to promise things, and then they'll take them away from you. While you're still with them, your life can't lead anywhere because they won't let it.

But if you manage to make it out, then you have possibilities. You're working two jobs now (if I understood correctly), so that part won't change. But you'll actually be able to do the work without getting written up for things you did not do, and it'll be so much more peaceful.

Yes, your situation sucks, no doubt, and it must be scary as hell to think of trying to stand all on your own. But I do believe that leaving will give you a really good shot at freedom and growth.

And no, I'm not saying leave right now. Make a solid plan. Research the available possibilities. Contact people. Only leave when you're ready, but when you do, do it fast.

[kharma]

Once I move out, where do I go from there? Will I forever have to slave two jobs just to make a living? I literally work all day long for about 6 days a week, just to earn a decent income. One of my work at home jobs only pays me 8/hr. I am not happy about where my life is headed and dont feel exactly motivated to move out and work two jobs just to live in a small room. I will have no life whatsoever. I can't even go to college if I wanted to because it will take both jobs to pay rent

My mother mislead me and had me thinking that she was going to help me get back on my feet and finish school so I can earn more money. But lately she has been nitpicking with me a lot. Again, while i was working, she attempted to push my computer off the desk and caused me to lose internet connection. We were arguing for about 20-30 minutes and this is going to result in a write up for me. She also threw all my food into the garbage and told me i wasn't allowed to eat in her home or even drink water

Good grief, that woman is horrible :-(

Obviously, working two jobs to be able to afford one room is not the end goal.

The idea is to get out of this house and away from these people whose main goal is to hold you back.

Imagine how much more relaxed you'll be able to work without people interrupting or just plain sabotaging you... .

Being more relaxed will likely give you more energy, and you can use that to do whatever it takes to find better work or to further your education.

Basically, the way I see it, as long as you stay with your family, you'll be stuck all your life, no matter what. They'll continue to promise things, and then they'll take them away from you. While you're still with them, your life can't lead anywhere because they won't let it.

But if you manage to make it out, then you have possibilities. You're working two jobs now (if I understood correctly), so that part won't change. But you'll actually be able to do the work without getting written up for things you did not do, and it'll be so much more peaceful.

Yes, your situation sucks, no doubt, and it must be scary as hell to think of trying to stand all on your own. But I do believe that leaving will give you a really good shot at freedom and growth.

And no, I'm not saying leave right now. Make a solid plan. Research the available possibilities. Contact people. Only leave when you're ready, but when you do, do it fast.

moving out and working two jobs just to live in a small space is not ideal either. when will i have time to go back to school if i am slaving at two jobs 6 or 7 days a week?  I barely have time to go to the grocery market.

[semmel]

moving out and working two jobs just to live in a small space is not ideal either. when will i have time to go back to school if i am slaving at two jobs 6 or 7 days a week?  I barely have time to go to the grocery market.

But don't you already have the same situation right now PLUS a load of constant abuse and sabotage and fighting?

Besides, there are placed to order food online in a lot of countries. There's the possibility of a scholarship to help you go back to school - which will mean nothing if you apply for one while still in that house because you KNOW they will sabotage that, too.

In the end, it is your decision, and you have two choices: Stay or leave.

You don't have to make that decision right now. But I think you owe it to yourself to consider the possibility of leaving and to do the research to see what you could do.

It's OK to be scared. Leaving means venturing into the great unknown, and it sounds scarier than staying in the familiar setting that is nearly comfortable to you because it's all you have ever known. But again, you have two choices, and both are scary, but in the long run only one leads to freedom and the possibility to move forward.

[kharma]

How am I going to go back to school if I need to work both jobs 7 days a week to pay rent? I dont see how there is any possibility of me ever making anything out of my life. My car is used... .so when that dies i"ll never be able to afford another one. My life just sucks and I'd rather be dead.

[kharma]

My mom to told me I look old now. I'm almost 30 and she says I dont look as young as I used to. Always bringing up my age. I really want to kill myself now

[Kwamina]

Hi kharma,

How are you feeling now? I am very sorry that you are going through such a difficult time and are having these negative thoughts.

You are experiencing some very difficult thoughts and emotions right now. Do you feel like it would be possible for you to see a therapist or some other professional to help you deal with this? There are also certain online options to consider that could be helpful. Are you for instance familiar with cognitive behavior therapy (CBT)? This can really help you deal with negative thoughts and emotions, you can also do this therapy online via a resource called Mood Gym. MoodGym is a free online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) program:

Cognitive therapy programs train people to replace maladaptive cognitive styles with helpful thinking patterns and increase behavioral coping skills. CBT is a very useful coping tool for family and partners (current and former) of individuals with borderline personalty disorder.

…... .

MoodGym was developed by the Australian National University. It is available free to the general public... .specifically to help people with limited access to mental health professionals.

…... .

This is a sophisticated program that will take 1-2 weeks (multiple sessions online with offline exercises) to complete.

You can read more about MoodGym here:

MoodGym: Free On-Line Cognitive Therapy Program

There's also a recent thread on here about dealing with negative thoughts that you might find helpful:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

[kharma]

my mother is threatening to kick me out the house because i work from home too much and its bothering her. she's going to shut off the power in my room so i cant work. she doesn't care if i lose my job. what am i going to do?

[kharma]

the crazy thing is if i told her tomorrow that i got a job that provides housing and decent pay, she'd think of a million reasons why i shouldn't take the opportunity and convince me to stay. i applied for a flight attendant position 8 months ago that offered housing and paid training and she flipped out. was upset that i would want to take a dangerous job flying in the air. she was pissed that it offered room and board as well

[funfunctional]

((Kharma))

Okay.  I am going to go back to my initial impressions of this whole situation.  I understand clearly you are not ready to move out.   I get it.

Now stop for a second.   Take a deep breathe.  This is what is going to happen for you.  First off... .you are going to get some additional help from someone and when you get that help you will be happy you did.    But let us take a step back first. 

30 is not too old.  30 is SO VERY YOUNG and the future is before you wide open for you to pave your way.    I don't know if I can get you to see my older lady wisdom here.  I am not wicked old but I am late 40s and I have had my share of disfunctional family.   Difference is I am on the "other side" of it now.   \

So how do YOU get on the other side of this and believe that you can?  How can you escape from the emotional roller coaster you are ON and you ARE flying full speed there honey.   What happens is we become PART of the disfunction because we respond to their CRAP.    So how can YOU get yourself out of the drama?  This isn't going to be easy you know and you need outside help for this.   Someone who can give you a fresh perspective every week and help you to see what that "other side" of LIFE is like.

The brighter side and the hopeful side and not the "your too old" nonsense you are being fed.  That is just silly and not worthy of a response. 

I will tell you this.   Once I started realizing that life is really a big lesson and we are all learning and view life almost like a classroom I think that can help.  I am trying not to insert any spiritual beliefs here but having "something" to hold onto to motivate you and help you see that "you are in charge" will help I hope.   

You clearly are not able to cope with your family.  I understand. This is not a sign of weakness.  This is difficult.   There seems to be an "escalation" happening here.   Things in your life are escalating when they need to COME DOWN.    Breathe.     I don't know if you mom will really shut off your power and why she is doing that but can you bargain at all?  Is it that she wants you to join them for dinner.  Can you do that?  I am not in your house and don't want to assume or judge.   

We are here to talk but please do get some help.  Counselors are wonderful in that if you find the right one they are someone to vent to directly and I have seen a couple in my life that have helped me soo much.