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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Struggling with the feelings of shame and guilt.  (Read 516 times)
lm911
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 189


« on: March 12, 2015, 12:55:20 PM »

On a daliy basis I feel guilty because I am not there to help my BPD ex, ( although I know that I am the trigger to her anxiety). But in the past when I did have contacted my ex and of course she had responded with anger or silent treatment I felt shame. Shame because I such a masochist to be rejected. And again my ego want to try again.

How do you cope with the feelings?
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rg1976
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 76


« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2015, 02:01:43 PM »

lm911 -

I am right there with you on these feelings.  How to cope with them?  Well, so far, it is a struggle for me.  I think the thing that helps me most is to realize that her actions have nothing to do with me per se.

Her actions and behaviours are all about her and her feelings.

The more I can depersonalize her actions and etc., and realize: That, yes, while I did make mistakes in the relationship, it isn't all my fault.  Both of us were at fault. I am not responsible for her mental health issues.  She had the issues before I was around, and our relationship was just another play-out of things that were likely to happen with anyone who tried to have a relationship with her.

I hope this helps.

-rg

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jhkbuzz
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1639



« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2015, 04:03:35 PM »

On a daliy basis I feel guilty because I am not there to help my BPD ex, ( although I know that I am the trigger to her anxiety). But in the past when I did have contacted my ex and of course she had responded with anger or silent treatment I felt shame. Shame because I such a masochist to be rejected. And again my ego want to try again.

How do you cope with the feelings?

Are you n/c?

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willtimeheal
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: Split 4-2013 trying to work it out
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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2015, 08:45:19 PM »

You tube the Ted talks by Dr Brene Brown. She is a.shame researcher and she speaks about shame and how it affects us.  She has three talks on Ted TV. Watch them... .they are mind blowing.
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Copperfox
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134



« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2015, 09:29:12 PM »

I've found in the aftermath that while, yes I am disappointed in her, I'm more disappointed in myself.  Why didn't I walk away when she started acting weird?  The crazy-making.  Blaming me for hurting her.  I remember when we met, I felt relatively strong. I held my frame in relationships, didn't react to emotional turmoil. Past relationships had taught me well. A rock against the storms.  But BPD is something else, and over time I slipped.  She subtly wore me down. I lost myself.  And instead of standing up for myself like I should have, I tried to save her.  Save us.  I got sucked into the chaos.  I was just as much a part of it.

In hindsight, I'm disappointed in me.  Because I know if I had stood stronger, held my boundaries, and walked away earlier, that I at least wouldn't have played my part.  It would have been all on her, the drama all hers.  I can't control anyone else, but I can control me.  Shame, guilt, whatever you wanna call it.  Perhaps I should have known better, but I didn't.

So how do I cope?  Well, I know I can't change the past.  But I can change things going forward.  Be an even better version of myself.  I still feel disappointed in myself sometimes ... .perhaps it's the last hurdle I need to get past.
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