Struggling with the feelings of shame and guilt.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

On a daliy basis I feel guilty because I am not there to help my BPD ex, ( although I know that I am the trigger to her anxiety). But in the past when I did have contacted my ex and of course she had responded with anger or silent treatment I felt shame. Shame because I such a masochist to be rejected. And again my ego want to try again.

How do you cope with the feelings?

[lm911]

On a daliy basis I feel guilty because I am not there to help my BPD ex, ( although I know that I am the trigger to her anxiety). But in the past when I did have contacted my ex and of course she had responded with anger or silent treatment I felt shame. Shame because I such a masochist to be rejected. And again my ego want to try again.

How do you cope with the feelings?

[rg1976]

lm911 -

I am right there with you on these feelings.  How to cope with them?  Well, so far, it is a struggle for me.  I think the thing that helps me most is to realize that her actions have nothing to do with me per se.

Her actions and behaviours are all about her and her feelings.

The more I can depersonalize her actions and etc., and realize: That, yes, while I did make mistakes in the relationship, it isn't all my fault.  Both of us were at fault. I am not responsible for her mental health issues.  She had the issues before I was around, and our relationship was just another play-out of things that were likely to happen with anyone who tried to have a relationship with her.

I hope this helps.

-rg

[jhkbuzz]

On a daliy basis I feel guilty because I am not there to help my BPD ex, ( although I know that I am the trigger to her anxiety). But in the past when I did have contacted my ex and of course she had responded with anger or silent treatment I felt shame. Shame because I such a masochist to be rejected. And again my ego want to try again.

How do you cope with the feelings?

Are you n/c?

[willtimeheal]

You tube the Ted talks by Dr Brene Brown. She is a.shame researcher and she speaks about shame and how it affects us.  She has three talks on Ted TV. Watch them... .they are mind blowing.

[Copperfox]

I've found in the aftermath that while, yes I am disappointed in her, I'm more disappointed in myself.  Why didn't I walk away when she started acting weird?  The crazy-making.  Blaming me for hurting her.  I remember when we met, I felt relatively strong. I held my frame in relationships, didn't react to emotional turmoil. Past relationships had taught me well. A rock against the storms.  But BPD is something else, and over time I slipped.  She subtly wore me down. I lost myself.  And instead of standing up for myself like I should have, I tried to save her.  Save us.  I got sucked into the chaos.  I was just as much a part of it.

In hindsight, I'm disappointed in me.  Because I know if I had stood stronger, held my boundaries, and walked away earlier, that I at least wouldn't have played my part.  It would have been all on her, the drama all hers.  I can't control anyone else, but I can control me.  Shame, guilt, whatever you wanna call it.  Perhaps I should have known better, but I didn't.

So how do I cope?  Well, I know I can't change the past.  But I can change things going forward.  Be an even better version of myself.  I still feel disappointed in myself sometimes ... .perhaps it's the last hurdle I need to get past.