structuring contact between uBPD Grandparent and grandchild

[Depression = 72% of members]

To her credit, my mom has pushed boundaries less since I became a mother.  She has only seen my daughter 3 times, all major holidays.  I moved out of her area 15 years ago so our contact has been limited for most of my adult life, our relationship improved when she only saw me a few days out of the year.  I moved closer to her, but I honestly don't want more contact with her.  Establishing and maintaining boundaries since I moved back has worn me out and I just don't trust her.

I'm curious how other parents deal with visits and sharing their child's life with a disordered grandparent.  I'd like my daughter to see the rest of the family, but no one else has established any boundaries with her.  I have a very large family, mostly boys - my brothers just don't get it, my mom doesn't try to control them the way she does with the girls.  My one sister has ben enmeshed with my mother for most of her life, she is dependent on her for childcare.  My situation is very different, but my mom has stated repeatedly that "everyone else" has "no problem" with her.

I've read that others find email communication easier than phone or meetings.  I find that setting a timer and talking to her for 5 minutes is less time consuming and emotionally taxing than an endless stream of multi-page emails about the various ways I have let her down.  She is blocked on facebook, it's a work tool and this is not something I am willing to open up to her.  Most of my other family members can reach me on facebook, I'm a proud new mamma and I post pictures and videos of my baby, my relatives show these to my mother.  I'd like to find a way to share pictures with her that doesn't open me up to her vitrol.  She does not have my mailing address and is blocked on all social media and email.

[nomom4me]

To her credit, my mom has pushed boundaries less since I became a mother.  She has only seen my daughter 3 times, all major holidays.  I moved out of her area 15 years ago so our contact has been limited for most of my adult life, our relationship improved when she only saw me a few days out of the year.  I moved closer to her, but I honestly don't want more contact with her.  Establishing and maintaining boundaries since I moved back has worn me out and I just don't trust her.

I'm curious how other parents deal with visits and sharing their child's life with a disordered grandparent.  I'd like my daughter to see the rest of the family, but no one else has established any boundaries with her.  I have a very large family, mostly boys - my brothers just don't get it, my mom doesn't try to control them the way she does with the girls.  My one sister has ben enmeshed with my mother for most of her life, she is dependent on her for childcare.  My situation is very different, but my mom has stated repeatedly that "everyone else" has "no problem" with her.

I've read that others find email communication easier than phone or meetings.  I find that setting a timer and talking to her for 5 minutes is less time consuming and emotionally taxing than an endless stream of multi-page emails about the various ways I have let her down.  She is blocked on facebook, it's a work tool and this is not something I am willing to open up to her.  Most of my other family members can reach me on facebook, I'm a proud new mamma and I post pictures and videos of my baby, my relatives show these to my mother.  I'd like to find a way to share pictures with her that doesn't open me up to her vitrol.  She does not have my mailing address and is blocked on all social media and email.

[Kwamina]

Hi nomom4me

I'm not a parent, but I still wanted to respond to your post.

My situation is very different, but my mom has stated repeatedly that "everyone else" has "no problem" with her.

This is a classic line I think many of us are very familiar with. My own uBPD mother has used this one on me too. A very 'subtle' way of saying that you are the problem and not her

I'm a proud new mamma and I post pictures and videos of my baby, my relatives show these to my mother.  I'd like to find a way to share pictures with her that doesn't open me up to her vitrol.  She does not have my mailing address and is blocked on all social media and email.

I understand your desire for wanting to share this important part of your life with your mother. When you think about sharing these pics with her, are you thinking of the loving fantasy mother she's probably never been or about the reality of the BPD mother that she is?

If you really want to share pictures, you could of course also consider doing it the oldfashioned way by printing them out and sending them by post

[Finding Courage]

I struggle with this too.  My daughter is now 2 and really doesn't know my parents at all.  My BPD mom is constantly pushing for more contact via Skype or in person.  I haven't found a good solution other than saying no via excuses.  I don't want to hurt her feelings but I also have my reasons why I don't want much contact.  I try to tell myself that my child comes first and my health is important too.  And it is her behavior that landed her here, if she hadn't consistently chosen behaviors that hurt me I might be more open.  Good luck to you.  Everything has new urgency with kiddos to protect.

[aubin]

Nomom, your situation sounds similar to my own. I've allowed my uBPD mother to see my son only twice since he was born, much to the chagrin of other family members, but I don't care. Holding to these boundaries has allowed me to grow and heal so much over the last couple of years. Plus as a new mother it's more important to me to be healthy and present for my son than to worry about hurting uBPD mother's feeling.

To share pictures and videos, I created a free private blog for the extended family. I use WordPress but any free blog service will do. I disabled comments on the blog so no one can post anything except for me. And because the blog is private, only people to whom I send the link can view the blog. I can delete a person's access to the blog at anytime. So it's basically a one-way communication. I post pictures and videos of my son, sometimes with commentary, and they (my extended family) can view at their leisure.

I'm still figuring out how to make visits work. The first visit was a disaster for several reasons; I went NC with my mother shortly thereafter. The second visit was a few weeks ago. I spent quite a bit of time beforehand deciding first whether I really wanted a visit at all, then figuring out the logistics to work best in the favor of me and my son. I decided that we would visit my mother at her house for a preset limited time (4-6 hours) and gave myself permission to leave at any moment for any reason. I also decided that I would listen but not feel obligated to respond to anything she said. This was key for me to not pick up the bait that would lead to arguments. The visit was typical with my mother acting as she usually does. The only thing different was that I managed to maintain boundaries and also not get stressed much by the situation.

I haven't quite figured out yet how to see the rest of the family, as family gatherings are usually at my mother's house and, like your family, mine has not set any boundaries with my mother. For now, I'm just taking it day by day and trust that I will figure it out at some point. Most important, I'm trying to figure out how I will talk to my son, when he is old enough, about our extended family. I want to find ways to be honest with him, while still allowing him to have his own relationship with some family members (should he choose to) but still protecting him from their unhealthy behaviors.

[nomom4me]

Thanks for the tips!  Aubin, a free blog is a good idea and from my phone I could probably have an automated sign in so I can share to the blog as I am posting to facebook.  Some have suggested a PO box or a special email account just for her, we did the special email account and I honestly think I can live the rest of my life without reading any more of my moms writing.  I know email works for allot of people, but she has worn me out.  I'm also a new mom with very little uninterrupted internet time.

I've thought about skype, but my mom doesn't know how to use it and I'd sooner walk on hot coals than do any tech support for her.  I'd like to keep all contact consecutive, my mom has a tendency to scheme and hatch plans that she is heartbroken over when I'll have no part of them so I try to nip that crap in the bud.  I can't control it, she still does it but I'm not reading novellas about her hopes and how I dashed them anymore.

[nomom4me]

I've mulled this over for a few days, if the grandparent only sees her grandchild a couple times a year, and she lives close by... .is it healthy to allow them access to photos?  There was a times article a few years ago that touched on this, grandparents claiming social media was the only way they knew about their grandkids.  The therapist interviewed advised parents not to look at their estranged kids pages.

My fear is that access to photos and videos would lead to demands for more.  It has been my experience that nothing is enough for my mother.  I have some physical problems and in the past my mother has been upset that I'm able to do things with other people, but don't "make time" to do things with her.  Nevermind that other people don't push boundaries  and actually care about my health.  She loves little babies when they are helpless and have no choices, my daughter is old enough to say no and is shy to strangers, I know my mother is upset about the time she has missed.  I'm thinking a nice photo book will be easier on me than starting what could be an endless stream.  The incidental info that she'll read into photos and videos could drive me insane, if she sees shot near her town she'll demand to know why she was not visited.

[Kwamina]

I'm thinking a nice photo book will be easier on me than starting what could be an endless stream.

This sounds like a good solution to me. It allows you to still share this aspect of your life with your mother while still maintaining some distance and having your boundaries in place. It's clear from your posts that you would like to share pictures of your baby with your mom. Even after all you've been through with her, I understand why you would still want to do this or at least give it a try. This solution would probably make it easier to enforce your boundaries (if needed). Do you feel like you sharing these pictures with your mom is something you'd do because you also really want it yourself or perhaps more because it's something your mother would like?