I don't want to be in the middle

[Takehiko]

Wow, I haven't posted here for a long time... .I guess because things were going OK (Relatively speaking!) and coming on here just made me worried, so I tried to leave it alone. Sorry for not being constructively supportive and then asking for advice, but here goes... .

Briefly, I have an uBPDM and I got her into therapy by some miracle. I also went to a counsellor too, although I have stopped seeing him now.

Last time I saw her (M), she started telling me about how she had called my dad (they are long, long, long divorced) who had previously told her he wanted no contact. It ended up with him yelling at her and she got upset. It was about a legal wrangle involving plans for selling the house that they both owned. She said she called him to tell him he didn't need to see a legal professional, that he should just sign off on her lawyer's letter, and that she did it for his own good, because she thought it "might make him too stressed" to see someone.

My BS meter was beeping at that reason. I honestly don't know why she called him, but she seemed very surprised to get shouted at. My dad had a different angle on it, saying she called him and yelled at him first.

I seriously do not want to get in this ridiculous "he said, she said" situation where I'm getting leaned on for sympathy about this and I feel like I'm being asked to take sides here. I don't want to upset the applecart of the relationship I am rebuilding with my mother, but I had to email her and tell her that this made me feel uncomfortable and ask that she discuss it with her therapist rather than me. Now I've done that I feel really anxious that I didn't do it in the "right way". I don't even know why I feel so anxious about this, it's a pretty reasonable thing to ask, isn't it?

I also suggested that she might want to be honest with herself about how the situation arose. She finds it very, very difficult to understand why people react to her the way they do, and with her telling me she just called to be nice, I can't grasp a handle on it.

Anyway, just wanted to get you folks' opinion. Was this the right thing to do?

[Takehiko]

I can't see how to edit the original post but just got a response from M:

"a while ago you said we should be able to discuss things, but now I know where to draw the line I will never mention [my dad/her ex husband] again."

Typical childish overreaction.

[ViaCrusis1689]

I am new here, but I too am working on setting boundaries with my parents, enDad and uBPDMom. I think you established a clear boundary, but she, like a lot of people even without PD, overreacted, blowing your request out of proportion.

I don't think you could have done it any differently or better to avoid such a reaction.

[Harri]

Hi takehiko.  Welcome back, though I wish the circumstances that brought you back were better.

Now I've done that I feel really anxious that I didn't do it in the "right way". I don't even know why I feel so anxious about this, it's a pretty reasonable thing to ask, isn't it?

  I think you did very well in wording your request the way you did and I agree that it is a reasonable thing to ask of her.  As tough as it is, you can't base the value or the rightness or wrongness of your actions (or words in this case) on her reaction to them.  As I am sure you know, any time you put a limit on her, she is most likely going to react the way she did.  It makes sense to me that you felt nervous as you are familiar with her behaviors and how she thinks and you are changing your role in her life.  That is a very good thing for you and it is a very *healthy* thing for you to do, but she is going to have a hard time with it.  Keep doing it though.  *Both* of you will get used to it over time.   

If you plan to respond to her response (!) or is she brings it up again, I would suggest saying a simple "thank you for honoring my request", and just ignore the childishness (and possible sarcasm?). 

Takehiko, job well done for taking care of you and for responding the way you did.

[Suzn]

I think you did a great job with your response too. For me, I think the anxiousness comes from trying to wrap our heads around being put in a position to "teach" a parent what they should know in the first place. It can feel awkward and stressful. 

If your mother is anything like mine she will not "hear" you and you will likely have to repeat setting this boundary. The good news is it's gets easier after the first time. You may want to be prepared for some communication surrounding consequences if it continues.

[Takehiko]

Thank you everyone who responded! You're awesome. 

Harri, thank you for saying that. Sometimes I doubt myself. The response I gave was: "We are discussing things. I am telling you my feelings and asking you to respect them."

The kneejerk response was "I do respect your feelings." Later I got a text saying that she didn't mean to put me in a difficult position. I was OK with that, it was, as far as it goes, an apology from someone who never apologises.

ViaCrusis1689: Good luck with your boundary setting. I actually find this extremely hard to do, I'm not used to expressing my feelings and speaking out when I need to. I tend to bottle everything up and get angry/frustrated, but its something that needs to be done. Have courage!

Suzn: Yes, you're right. My T compared it to her having to learn a whole new language, the language of social interaction. I probably will have to do more of this in the future.

We're in a position now where we have made a whole lot of progress in our relationship, but we certainly haven't ironed everything out, we're just in a place where I know she is trying to improve her relationship with me, and that I understand more about how she relates to the world (which is emotionally like a child) and to accept what I can and can't change. We agreed that we need to establish new patterns in our relationship, and that we should talk to each other when something is/isn't working. I'm not sure how she interpreted that as "I can tell you anything and you have to listen" I think we have enough problems of our own without me having to deal with her problems with my dad.

I spoke to her on the phone today, since it's Mothers Day where I am. She seemed kind of narky but I didn't mention our email exchange and neither did she. I wasn't about to start an argument about it, either she accepts it or she doesn't.

The thing that really bothers me is how much she lies to herself. I don't think that's something I can really talk to her about, because I'm fairly certain she doesn't realise she's doing it. I hope she does talk to her therapist about it though... .