It suddenly all makes sense

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have a mother who has never seemed quite 'switched on' or 'there' in the present.  Almost like she is performing a role when she interacts.  She was diagnosed as 'psychotic schizoprenic' in the 80's and committed several times when she lost touch with reality, she is very needy, emotional and vulnerable and can suffer from extreme anxiety and depression.  She is a martyr and appears to not be able to feel worthwhile or valued unless she is needed and has rages and anger when everything she does does not get appreciated and she feels victimised and used.  She is an alcoholic who puts herself in risky and unsafe situations and will alienate family.  She splits and puts people on a pedestal but they then ultimately let her down badly.  She seeks caretaking from her children and can move from heightened emotion to appearing numb and lacking the capacity for emotion.  Any form of stress is a trigger and can lead to binge drinking, paranoia and rage.

Over the past 25+ years I have been concious of her behaviour and dysfunction I have looked at different analysis and understanding for different incidents - this was because she lost a parent, this was because she retired etc.  I have only recently discovered BPD and now know what my mum has been struggling with over her lifetime and that it has all been symptons of one illness.  It has helped me understand her so much more and to have more empathy.  It's a bit of a revelation and helps to temper the anger and frustration I have sometimes felt at not getting the healthy mother / daughter relationship.

[evenkeeled]

I have a mother who has never seemed quite 'switched on' or 'there' in the present.  Almost like she is performing a role when she interacts.  She was diagnosed as 'psychotic schizoprenic' in the 80's and committed several times when she lost touch with reality, she is very needy, emotional and vulnerable and can suffer from extreme anxiety and depression.  She is a martyr and appears to not be able to feel worthwhile or valued unless she is needed and has rages and anger when everything she does does not get appreciated and she feels victimised and used.  She is an alcoholic who puts herself in risky and unsafe situations and will alienate family.  She splits and puts people on a pedestal but they then ultimately let her down badly.  She seeks caretaking from her children and can move from heightened emotion to appearing numb and lacking the capacity for emotion.  Any form of stress is a trigger and can lead to binge drinking, paranoia and rage.

Over the past 25+ years I have been concious of her behaviour and dysfunction I have looked at different analysis and understanding for different incidents - this was because she lost a parent, this was because she retired etc.  I have only recently discovered BPD and now know what my mum has been struggling with over her lifetime and that it has all been symptons of one illness.  It has helped me understand her so much more and to have more empathy.  It's a bit of a revelation and helps to temper the anger and frustration I have sometimes felt at not getting the healthy mother / daughter relationship.

[clljhns]

  evenkeeled,

I am so glad that you have found us! here you will find many people who understand your struggles and can offer you support as you begin the journey of healing.

It has helped me understand her so much more and to have more empathy.  It's a bit of a revelation and helps to temper the anger and frustration I have sometimes felt at not getting the healthy mother / daughter relationship.

I had the same feeling when I was able to identify my mothers illness. It seemed to help to have a label that could explain all the years of unhappiness. I also wanted a close mother/daughter relationship, and at times we did have that, but it was very brief.

What are you doing for yourself since you learned this about mom?

I am glad you are here, and look forward to hearing more of your story.

All the best. 

[Turkish]

Hello evenkeeled,

It sounds like it feels good to finally put a name to your mom's behaviors,.maybe as if it all makes sense now. Even before, you sound like you've come a long way by feelng empathy towards her.

What do you currently struggle with in your relationship with her? This site also has a lt of info on BPD if you want to know more about the disorder.

As clljhns said, many of us here will understand what you may be going through and can offer support.

Turkish

[evenkeeled]

Thank you very much for your replies.  This is the first time i've used a site like this or shared in a forum and I think I will find the information and process very helpful.  I think seeing a proffessional who understands BPD would be useful for me just to be able to explore the history of what has happened in the context of BPD.  I don't think BPD was recognised until the end of the 1980s,  so I can see how it was undiagnosed in my mum initially.  Later on when she has had counselling I have seen how the treatment has probably done more harm than good by acknowledging and empathising with her hardships and agreeing that she has been a victim and must now take a stand and be strong! - encouraging the damaging self belief that she is a victim and does not need to take responsibility for her situation or actions! Also, not looking at the repeated history of the behaviour but only at what is presented at that time- I guess many BPD sufferers can easily get missed!

I have a strained relationship with my mum and moved away from home when I was eighteen and now live on the other side of the world.  I think after being a caretaker as a young person, I was able to fairly quickly put boundaries in place as an adult but I think that removing the caretaking role has left little else in the relationship.  I do feel guilt writing about her in a negative way and feel guilt that I am guarded and closed in my relationship with her.   Also being aware that many of my peers are actually beginning to look after parents who need support and care because they are getting frail and elderly makes me feel a selfish that I am not there for her.  However, her selfishness, neediness and over sentimentality makes me feel very uncomfortable,  and the maudlin drunken binges make it hard to respect her.

[isilme]

Also being aware that many of my peers are actually beginning to look after parents who need support and care because they are getting frail and elderly makes me feel a selfish that I am not there for her.  However, her selfishness, neediness and over sentimentality makes me feel very uncomfortable,  and the maudlin drunken binges make it hard to respect her.

I often feel the same way, and live in an area of the country with very, very large, connected families, making it hard to explain my NC status.

I've had to equate my relationship with my family like that of a bad romantic partner - if my SO treated me the way my parents did, no one would blink if I told them I was going NC for my own sanity and safety, but people ignore the same treatment from relatives, even though it goes on for a lifetime and is often more damaging.

I found it very helpful to come on here once I discovered BPD, and that things I'd taken for granted from childhood were really not normal.  It validated a lot of my feelings of neglect and abuse, that I'd felt guilty for feeling.  I hope you are able to find some validation and healing