Question re journalling.

[howcanI?]

So my BPD husband has sunk further into his illness in the last two years, after I built a beautiful house with money my late sister left me.  Yeah, I understand why, blah, blah.  I have been in therapy for the same amount of time to learn about this disease and my role in it, and the best responses (or non-responses) I can make to the crazy.  I do my best, but sometimes it is so unrelenting I barely hold on by my bleeding stubby fingernails!  Question for the board is this: does journalling about his behavior and my internal responses help me or hurt me?  Does anyone out there who does this find it makes you obsess even more on the hurtful behavior, or is it a good relief valve?  If this has been discussed before, I apologize.  God, I'm in pain!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OffRoad]

I journal because it helps me keep my sanity. I can't tell you how many times H has said "I never said that." I now have recordings (not every time we talk, but enough to know I'm NOT crazy) and I journal because if I write it while it is fresh in my mind, I get it pretty accurate, so when H says that he never said something, I can go back and read, know I'm OK, and just roll on. It also helps because sometimes I go back and see something I could have done better. Often, when things are spiraling out of control, I don't know what caused it at that time. But I can see where something happened (whether through my own actions or someone else's actions) while reading a journal entry at a later time. (Not always, but often enough to be useful).  In addition, it helps me see patterns.

For my H, any time he was supposed to have done something, but put it off and because he put it off there is now a major problem, that leads to his own special dysregulation where he will pick a fight to make me the bad guy, even if it has nothing to do with what he put off. I used to wonder what was going on, but finally saw the connection. If he makes me into a bad guy, then he thinks he doesn't look so bad. This helped me to recognize when he was trying to pick a fight, and I also knew to just get out of the way until he had actually fixed whatever it was he had messed up. If I wasn't there for him to pick a fight with, he had to deal with his own mistake faster, so he could feel better.

If you are an obsessive kind of person, it may not be for you. If you are an analytical person, it may be helpful. If you are the kind of person who can write things down, or vent about them and their gone, this would definitely help.

Ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by writing it down. Would typing be as therapeutic as actual writing with pen and paper? You can always try it and see if it works for you.

[waverider]

Journalling, much the same as posting here, helps you put thoughts in order. It helps you determine what is important and what isn't. It also helps you realize where you are making progress by looking back on what was.

I do believe that you do have to pull back from over obsessing about this disorder, as there is no quick fix and you can burn out with despair.

Apart from this forum I now make a point of not studying or reading about it elsewhere it just becomes overload. To this end part of the journalling should be set aside for journalling things that have nothing to do with BPD. In short keep it balanced. BPD is part of your life don't allow it to be your whole life.

When posting, or writing, it also helps if you finish off what you say, by adding what you have learned and how you can maybe improve things, rather than just open ended venting. Call it the fluffy dog news story at the end, the last note should not be negative.

[an0ught]

Some background on waverider's point:

It seems that writing is really useful for recovery and talking to friends just won't help has much.

Prof. Richard Wiseman in his book :59 seconds (website: www.59seconds.wordpress.com/ ) wrote:

A group of participants were asked to select a negative experience [... .] One group of participants were then asked to have a long chat with a supportive experimenter (* ) about the event, while a second group were invited to chat about a far more mundane topic - a typical day. [... .] Participants who had spent time talking about their traumatic event thought the chat had been helpful. However, the various questionnaires told a very different story. In reality the chat had no significant impact at all. [... .] they might just as well have been chatting about a typical day.

In several studies, participants who have experienced a traumatic event have been encouraged to spend just a few minutes each day writing in a diary-type account of their deepest thoughts and feelings about it [12]. For example, in one study participants who had just been made redundant were asked to reflect upon their deepest thoughts and feelings about their job loss, including how it had affected both their personal and professional lives. Although these types of exercises were  both speedy and simple, the results revealed a remarkable boost in their psychological and physical well-being, including a reduction in health problems and an increase in self-esteem and happiness. The results left psychologists with something of a mystery. Why would talking about a traumatic experience have almost no effect but writing about it yield such significant benefits?

From a psychological perspective, talking and writing are very different. Talking can often be somewhat unstructured, disorganized, even chaotic. In contrast, writing encourages the creation of a story line and structure that help people make sense of what has happened and work towards a solution... .

[12] for a review of this work, see S. J. Lepore and J.M. Smyth (eds). The Writing Cure: How Expressive Writing Promotes Health and Emotional Well-Being. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association

(* ) not a T