Ex's New Girlfriend Mistreating My 4yr Old

[luckygirl424]

I am so upset. I haven't slept a full night since my exBPD boyfriend and I split 6 weeks ago. He's already with the woman he was unfaithful with and I knew he had introduced my 4yr old son to her and her kids. She has 2 boys: 9 and 12. Ok, fine. There's nothing I can do about that. It killed me but I kept my mouth shut and continued to allow my ex 50/50 visitation. I'm in the process of obtaining both a lawyer and child support because although I say it's 50/50, I actually have this kid 80% of the time and my ex hasn't given me a dime. He keeps assuring me he will but of course, never follows through. I've had to move my son and I back into my parents house because my ex has bled me dry financially. Again, fine. Life isn't fair and there's no sense crying over spilled milk and all that.

Yesterday, my son mentioned a video game he was watching where "the good guys" slit the throats of "the bad guys". My stomach turned. I started questioning him and from what I gather he is being left unsupervised with these boys. I asked if they were nice to him and he told me that sometimes they were and sometimes they're mean to him. I asked if he liked my ex's new girlfriend and his answer was an emphatic no. While he said he liked the boys, he said that this woman yells at him and yelled at him for taking some Lego thing apart (I think. He's four, mind you ). I understand how kids can be. I'm an ex-teacher. However, I do not like that my son is being exposed to such graphic violence and being left to his own devices with these older boys. I know the odds of anything catastrophic happening are minimal but I dont think my son should even have to gamble with those odds. Also, this woman has known my son for a number of days, at best, and she's already taking the liberty to yell at him.

My ex told me that my son is under "constant supervision" while my son is with him. However, when I say that my ex lies so consistently that it is impossible to believe a word that comes out of his mouth, I am not even remotely exaggerating. He never even addressed the video game. I have no doubt that if I told him how uncomfortable I was with all of this, my ex would lie, tell me what he thinks I want to hear, and then proceed to do whatever he wanted. I do not want my son over this woman's house anymore. Am I being unreasonable? Overreacting? And of course, if I step in, my ex is going to paint me as the jealous ex-lover who still wants him (which I unequivocally do not!) and make me out to be some controlling psycho but whatever. I'm just so upset my ex would let all of this go on! Just had to vent because I've been sick to my stomach since yesterday over this.

[JohnLove]

Hello luckygirl424, you have every right to be upset. You can't do much about the infidelity and the loss of the relationship. I think you know this and feel used up but can see sense with your comment that it's no use crying over spilt milk. It is what it is.

Some people have little moral and ethical fibre. Some people allow their children to play violent and sadistic video games. I am sorry your very young child has been exposed to this. :'(

I would not be surprised if these older children were being used to "supervise" your son. I understand your feelings regarding his new partner based on what your son has told you.

Possibly nothing catastrophic will happen but there are many red flags and your son is much younger than the other boys so there is a degree of risk associated with this situation. I think you are trying to minimise it in your own mind as nobody wants to believe their child is being placed in a risky situation especially where they are unsupervised where their is little hope of parental intervention if the interactions become detrimental to your son. Is it an acceptable risk?

I would not interrogate your son but I would monitor this situation as closely as possible and if things become worse I would seriously consider pulling rank and minimising the time your child spends with his father so that HE is actually spending time and providing supervision for your son.

I most certainly would not want my son exposed to violent video games but this is exactly what has occurred previously when he has been in the care of his uBPD mother.  :'(  GTA5 (grand theft auto) was purchased for him by his uBPD mother when my son was just 6 and trying gain to gain promises and assurances even in family court was fought with difficulty and frustration. This game has theft, violence, very bad language, and if you are unlucky enough to find, rape scenes. Some people are just so out of touch with the needs of children... .?

Obviously a balance of some kind needs to be achieved here and you are not being unreasonable about not wanting your son to be exposed to behaviour that may negatively impact him. I am a father. I have been cut off from my children for a period when I separated from my uBPDex and when she tried to "erase" me from (her and) my children's lives so I would not want to see your son segregated from his father unnecessarily. But why would you want to wait until something more unsavoury happens when you have already identified a number of risk factors? Also this woman should be a little more welcoming toward your son if she is accepting of him as a part of the man she has hooked up with and a responsible and child focused parent.

I would care less about your ex and focus on your feelings and the needs and well being of your child. He is so young and impressionable and you may need to take direct action. I would not feel too bad or guilty over this. You need assurance that your son is going to be looked after and a priority while in his fathers care.

Wishing you and your son well.