Initiate communication be no response

[icecream]

Why do they initiate contact and not even want to communicate?

Often i get messages of her were she tells me she misses me or thinks of me (she has and had several new partners after me 3 years ago). When i do decide to reply in a adult way, not focussing or replying on this emotional treat, the result is: no more reply at all, it even takes hours before she reads my reply... .Its so rude, respectless, why does she even communicate to me if she is not intrested in my respons?

[LonelyChild]

It cannot be rude and respectless, because you don't exist as a separate individual in her world. Google Theory of Mind. She does not contact you because she is thinking about you in a conscious manner and try to nurture your relationship. She contacts you because SHE feels anxious, and she turns to an external object (like a teddy bear - you) to calm herself and reduce the level of anxiety. Just sending you a message is probably enough at times. Getting a reply (whtout reading it) is probably enough at other times.

Don't try to figure her out. She's insane. She's not a real person.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

They feel empty within.  You response is like looking in a mirror.  Validates their existence.  It is a dark and frightening world they are in.

[icecream]

Yes, it must be a mix of your replies.

I do feel like giving her the full reality by answering something in the way of:

-My answer doesnt matter why in the world do you send me you miss me? When she actually misses the fact that i miss her. And thats the answer she want to hear at that point, or she is anxious when people leaving her



Answering those texts might result in a discussion were she will disappear soon and leave the conversation and silent treating me, which is something i dont want at all.

In a few weeks the same thing happens again... .

Blocking her is a way to avoid this i know. I dont have any intention to give my heart to her ever again and i dont have any romantic dreams or hopes towards her anymore. Is it unrealistic to think we could come to a point as "someone i used to know" within forcing the complete block-scenario? She says she is in therapy but undiagnosed so far... .

[Sunfl0wer]

I think her reaching out to you is... .

Translation:  I want to feel like I matter.  I will write him. I will set the bait. If he cares at all, he will read it.  If he cares a bit more, he will write me back.

Then you write back... .

Translation:  He cared enough to Both read AND write back.  Whew!  Got my fix!  I feel a bit important.  I better wait a really long time to write him again, or not at all.  I want the upper hand.  I don't want him to think I care about Him back! I am more important than him.

[icecream]

Yeap, the control is something huge in all of this.

Something i will never win by trying to make my point in texts with her.

Masters in control with the victim-position in the outcome.

So the only thing i can control is myself by reading/answering. If i decide to answer i give that power away somehow. But there is still the urge to be angry, the be real, to say what i feel when she treats me like that... .

One day i'm stronger then another. And its nice to get a message from someone who misses me. Its only not from her that i want to hear that.  My life is much better since months/years without her but its lonely even when i have lots of work and hobbies and that makes me give in sometimes to answer... .

[Sunfl0wer]

So the only thing i can control is myself by reading/answering. If i decide to answer i give that power away somehow. But there is still the urge to be angry, the be real, to say what i feel when she treats me like that... .

One day i'm stronger then another. And its nice to get a message from someone who misses me. Its only not from her that i want to hear that.  My life is much better since months/years without her but its lonely even when i have lots of work and hobbies and that makes me give in sometimes to answer... .

I hear ya.  I often see my ex fluctuate and pause, look at me, like he wants to reach out and say something. It feels too natural for me to respond and I want to react and say, "hey, what's bothering you, you can talk to me."  Then I remember. :/

He likely just wants my attention, just to prove I like him still, he'll feel satisfied in the moment, it will feel intimate and good for that time, then he will be done, reject me again.

[icecream]

Thank you for hearing me.

You describe exactly were it comes down to: creating compassion, creating intimacy, control and rejection.

When feeling strong and staying concious and focussed in that moment, they play on that border of getting attached again. I do feel detached and my life and my mood is all mine, but its the lonelyness what makes me weak when she reaches out every now and then.

But its this reality i'm going to be focussed on when that happens again... .when her texts come in/think of a coming rejection/not even going to read it... . She can make me so mad that i feel i almost can start to burst in her face, but as being long distance its only by texts which will give her power anyway and has no use in feeling even more mad when she will disappear in the middle of something what will never get through the way it could be constructive with "normal" people. And thats the ugly truts again: we cant control/fix/rescue or even make a difference in that empty world of theirs.

[Infared]

I found any of these contacts to be an extremely self-centered, self-affirmation for the BPD. If they're not blocked from contact it's a plus for them. If I respond, it's a total win for them as they have control over me. That is what the contact was from the get-go. Nothing more. It's all about them, there is no "love" there. Just sickness. Mine was/is living with another man. No good can come of me interacting with this mentally sick person. I am improving and healthy if I do not take the bait. Nothing positive in my life will come from me making contact. Only abuse.

Perhaps it is different for you.

[icecream]

Its no different for me Infared. Thank you for reminding me.

Give in to the bait leads to abuse and eventually unhealthy interaction were we feel abused or rejected.

It cant lead to anything constructive, adult and respectfull bound eventhou i believed that for a long time... .