New here, but not to BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there,

I just joined this community and posted last night on the "staying" board, but I don't think that's the place for me.

I've been married for over 20 years to a man who was diagnosed about 5 years ago with BPD. His story seems to be a bit different, in that he was maintaining well when we met and didn't exhibit any symptoms until after we were married and our daughter came along. From this end of things, I know now that she usurped him, in a way, and took my time and attention away from him, which was what triggered his downward spiral, but at the time I couldn't figure out what the hell happened to him. He felt bad about himself for resenting our daughter, and the more he felt bad, the more unstable he became. His preferred coping method is drinking, so as he spiraled, his drinking increased.

I'm sure you all know how the next few years went. I was amazing, wonderful, the best women in the world! I was the b___ from hell, who was driving him to drink and conspiring to ruin his life. Fortunately for me, I didn't believe any of it. But there I was, with two young children and a decision to make. Knowing by this time just how unstable and vindictive he was to me, I decided to stay. That probably sounds counter-intuitive, but I did not have any means to block his legal access to them, and I did not want them to spend time with him, alone and unprotected. I refused to allow them to be used as weapons. I was always there to run interference between them and him. I don't know whether it was the right thing to do or not, but faced with the same choice, I would probably do it again. It was exhausting, and unfortunately led to his being somewhat relegated to the outside of our family circle, which I'm sure made his condition worse, but our daughters were happy and comparatively undamaged, and that was my main concern.

In 2008, our older daughter was killed in an accident, and the whole house of cards fell apart. *He* fell apart, just when our younger daughter needed him most, and for the first time she saw him in the extremity of his anger and hatred and ugliness. It was awful. He had a complete break from reality, and was drinking so much that he blacked out every day. She was already suffering terribly, because our older daughter was her hero, her best friend, the sunshine in her life. She lost her sister *and* her dad, and the entire burden fell on me. He was nastier than he had ever been to me, and she turned on me as well, in her hurt and bewilderment and anguish. I felt trapped and obliged to stay with him, because, as horrible as he was, I just could not see my way clear to take another person from her.

Eventually, however, he became so bad that she started running away, and told me she wasn't coming home as long as he was there. He wouldn't leave, and told me that nobody was important enough for him to give up drinking or go to counseling for, so I bought another house and moved out. She moved into the house with me, but only stayed a month before taking off again, this time for good (more or less).

In the meantime, he was living alone and realized that, since he was still miserable, I was not the problem. He went to a psychologist, was diagnosed with BPD, and started regular therapy sessions. He dumped out all of his alcohol and quit drinking altogether. He asked me to start dating again, which we did, and eventually I moved back into our house with him, and rented out the house I had bought. Things weren't perfect, but I don't ever expect them to be. He was more aware of his feelings, and what his patterns and triggers were, and he was talking about them and thinking things through. But then he decided that he was fine, he didn't need therapy any more, and he could handle his alcohol... .

And here we are. He is better in many ways than he was, but he hasn't addressed his drinking problem at all with his psychologist. Sometimes, he tries to use the things he's learned as a weapon. And I am so tired of this whole cycle. I know that part of the problem is that I am grieving, and I am exhausted from having so much crap dumped on me when I am just as heartbroken as anyone else. I am just emptied out. I am so beyond stressed that my immune system gave up a couple of years ago; I got sick and am now on LTD. There are a lot of days when I think that the only reason I am still here with him is that I am just too tired and ill to face all of the work involved in divorce, because I know that I will have to do all of that, too. And of course, landlording turned out to be more trouble than it was worth, and I sold my house last year, so I'd have to figure out my living situation, too.

I know this is long, so thanks for reading.

[katmom]

Hi there,

I just joined this community and posted last night on the "staying" board, but I don't think that's the place for me.

I've been married for over 20 years to a man who was diagnosed about 5 years ago with BPD. His story seems to be a bit different, in that he was maintaining well when we met and didn't exhibit any symptoms until after we were married and our daughter came along. From this end of things, I know now that she usurped him, in a way, and took my time and attention away from him, which was what triggered his downward spiral, but at the time I couldn't figure out what the hell happened to him. He felt bad about himself for resenting our daughter, and the more he felt bad, the more unstable he became. His preferred coping method is drinking, so as he spiraled, his drinking increased.

I'm sure you all know how the next few years went. I was amazing, wonderful, the best women in the world! I was the b___ from hell, who was driving him to drink and conspiring to ruin his life. Fortunately for me, I didn't believe any of it. But there I was, with two young children and a decision to make. Knowing by this time just how unstable and vindictive he was to me, I decided to stay. That probably sounds counter-intuitive, but I did not have any means to block his legal access to them, and I did not want them to spend time with him, alone and unprotected. I refused to allow them to be used as weapons. I was always there to run interference between them and him. I don't know whether it was the right thing to do or not, but faced with the same choice, I would probably do it again. It was exhausting, and unfortunately led to his being somewhat relegated to the outside of our family circle, which I'm sure made his condition worse, but our daughters were happy and comparatively undamaged, and that was my main concern.

In 2008, our older daughter was killed in an accident, and the whole house of cards fell apart. *He* fell apart, just when our younger daughter needed him most, and for the first time she saw him in the extremity of his anger and hatred and ugliness. It was awful. He had a complete break from reality, and was drinking so much that he blacked out every day. She was already suffering terribly, because our older daughter was her hero, her best friend, the sunshine in her life. She lost her sister *and* her dad, and the entire burden fell on me. He was nastier than he had ever been to me, and she turned on me as well, in her hurt and bewilderment and anguish. I felt trapped and obliged to stay with him, because, as horrible as he was, I just could not see my way clear to take another person from her.

Eventually, however, he became so bad that she started running away, and told me she wasn't coming home as long as he was there. He wouldn't leave, and told me that nobody was important enough for him to give up drinking or go to counseling for, so I bought another house and moved out. She moved into the house with me, but only stayed a month before taking off again, this time for good (more or less).

In the meantime, he was living alone and realized that, since he was still miserable, I was not the problem. He went to a psychologist, was diagnosed with BPD, and started regular therapy sessions. He dumped out all of his alcohol and quit drinking altogether. He asked me to start dating again, which we did, and eventually I moved back into our house with him, and rented out the house I had bought. Things weren't perfect, but I don't ever expect them to be. He was more aware of his feelings, and what his patterns and triggers were, and he was talking about them and thinking things through. But then he decided that he was fine, he didn't need therapy any more, and he could handle his alcohol... .

And here we are. He is better in many ways than he was, but he hasn't addressed his drinking problem at all with his psychologist. Sometimes, he tries to use the things he's learned as a weapon. And I am so tired of this whole cycle. I know that part of the problem is that I am grieving, and I am exhausted from having so much crap dumped on me when I am just as heartbroken as anyone else. I am just emptied out. I am so beyond stressed that my immune system gave up a couple of years ago; I got sick and am now on LTD. There are a lot of days when I think that the only reason I am still here with him is that I am just too tired and ill to face all of the work involved in divorce, because I know that I will have to do all of that, too. And of course, landlording turned out to be more trouble than it was worth, and I sold my house last year, so I'd have to figure out my living situation, too.

I know this is long, so thanks for reading.

[cloudten]

Oh my gosh! Huge hugs! 

That is so much more than one person should have to deal with in a lifetime. I am so sorry for your loss, essentially of both daughters.  Your experience is heartbreaking... .I will keep you in my prayers.

What are you doing to take care of yourself and put yourself first?

[katmom]

Thanks.

I felt like I had lost both of my daughters for a long time, too, but eventually my youngest started coming around again. She now has a child with the boy she stayed with when she ran off, and I believe that having that baby saved her life. I help out as much as I am able to, and grandparenting is pretty darn terrific. Our relationship is not what it was, and I'm not sure that it ever will be, which breaks my heart, but we're re-building some bridges.

As for what I do for myself, I saw a counselor for quite a while, I have a large and loving extended family, and I have a really wonderful group of friends. We make sure to meet up on a regular basis, and I have a "girls' group" who meet up for nights out and weekends away. I keep up with my exercise, which helps my mood, and if all else fails, I have two large and furry dogs who like nothing better than to snuggle when I'm upset.

Nobody can live your life for you or walk in your shoes, though, and some days, even with all the support I have, and with my best efforts, my shoes are overwhelming. And I am less and less sympathetic about my husband's struggles with BPD. Maybe that is not fair, but he could choose to stick with his psychologist and his therapy plan, and change the way he deals with the world. There are things you can change in this world, like his outlook and coping skills, and things you can't, like our daughter's death. I have a hard time understanding why he would choose *not* to do the things required to make that aspect of his life better.