Targeting the stepkid

[upsidedown_world]

My wife is diagnosed with complex PTSD, OCD (control/perfectionist, for others but not for her own self and environment), and at least one of her psychiatrists has hinted at BPD and then back-pedaled to appease her, saying she exhibits some of the traits (I count 7 of 9 but she presents well).  She had a history of ongoing childhood sexual abuse by her father from the time she was 9 until 13.

She has spent the past 15 months trying to demonize my (now 18-year old) son, who is in reality a decent kid.  She has been nothing short of a nit-picking control freak on this ONE kid of mine, while the others (her blood) escape relatively unscathed.  He learned to avoid engaging her because she would take every opportunity to pry into his private life and make like it was her business just because he lives here (I know there is a degree to which this is necessary but she was going way over the line).  She holds all the power in their dynamic, and he just tries to avoid conflict.  A year ago, she accused him of repeatedly "terrorizing her" by "sneaking up on her and standing behind her in the kitchen" on numerous occasions.  When confronted, he was simply waiting to get to a plate or a glass or something and didn't want to seem pushy or start anything, so he waited quietly.  She didn't accept this, and insists he was "obviously" lying and was trying to traumatize her.  His half-siblings have never noticed it, and think she's out to lunch because they know HE is the one who is actually traumatized by her constant hounding.  When she first brought it to my attention, I shrugged it off as him just waiting in the kitchen for something and dazing out like he would in a cafeteria line at school.  When she told me it kept happening despite her telling him NOT to do it, I discussed it with him (when it came out that he really wasn't cognizant of anything amiss in what he was doing), and told him to SAY something if he entered the room so he wouldn't surprise her, and to start wearing footwear around the house so he could be heard.

I can only surmise that an 18-year old male unexpectely found standing behind her was a trigger, and the associated emotions and flashback fodder was then projected and imprinted on my son.  He has never even SWORN at her (which is more than I would be able to say if I was him), much less made any gestures that would indicate he would ever consider harming her in any way.  However, considering her past, I can see how she could possibly project this as a threatening situation (he is about 6" taller than her), and the resulting emotional overload "created" facts in her mind - that HE was making her feel this way, therefore he was doing it intentionally and maliciously since the feelings were bad and scary.

This has never been put to bed.  Her psychiatrist placates her (naturally) and asks why an 18 year old son is still living at home.  He's a first year apprentice, so he's not self sufficient as yet.  And this &#^% thing about him "terrorizing her" and me allowing him to continue to live here keeps coming up from her to ME - the typical "choose ________ or me", but the victim of HER psychological ranting is MY KID, who has no means to defend himself against her emotion-based, irrational thoughts and accusations.  She keeps accusing me of choosing him over her, of allowing him to continue to live here despite the "fact" that he "traumatized" her right here in her own home.  Her other triggers are all hold-overs from her time living with her father - not knowing when he'll be home or if he even WILL, not knowing if he's going to be here for dinner (this would be ok, but it's obsessive - a week in advance).

This is all reminiscent of her layers of unresolved childhood crap but she is too blind to see that these triggers he represents are ONLY a pointer to what she needs to work on, so she can actually see him for the person he is.

And when she gets started on me about how he did this or that, I defend him - because he's not there to defend himself - and I know she always chooses negativity and tries to cast him in a bad light - because that's what bad people do, and he must be bad because he "terrorized her".

Fortunately, he HAS agreed to move out by the end of June, at which point he will likely have sufficient money to make it work.  However, in the meantime, I'm constantly put through the wringer, and accused of "siding with him" when really I'm just stating things objectively instead of with emotional conclusions based on childhood trauma.  This has been totally unfair to him, AND to me.  Her trauma doesn't justify her traumatizing others or torturing them based on her projections.

I guess I'm just venting here and trying to make some sense of this, and what I do in the meantime. She has already tried to pull the "one of us is leaving, will it be me or him?" routine, which I said I wasn't going to qualify with a response.   I'm obviously very unhappy with the situation and I ask myself what the NEXT target will be after he leaves.  Will it be me?  Will she be trying to force me to choose between her and my friends or hobbies?  Where will she find the ammunition required to continue her victim status?  And will she EVER stop and see the wrongs that she's done to me and this family and FIX herself?  I have tried to empathize and then come at it from a logical standpoint but she is incapable of tolerating being "wrong" and won't even consider it.  Meanwhile the rest of the family thinks she's crazy and feel sorry for him because of the way she treats him.  I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

Yes there's SET and acronyms galore.  But when someone is wrongfully accusing a KID that you love and genuinely care about, based on their own screwed up childhood, then it makes it next to impossible NOT to call BS on it.

Opinions?  Advice?  Similar situations?

[Michelle27]

Oh my goodness, can I ever relate.  When my husband and I met 15 years ago, he was very high functioning for the first 7 years of our relationship.  Looking back, there WERE a few red flags but they were few and far between and I can only see them now with what I know.  When we met, I had a 5 year old from my first marriage and his son from his was a year old.  5 years later, we had a child together so we ended up with a "his", "hers" and "ours".  He was great with my daughter for years.

When his son was about 7 years old, our world was torn apart with the news that he had disclosed horrific ongoing sexual abuse in his mother's home by his 2 older step brothers.  I didn't understand it at the time, but that's when my husband's high functioning went out the window.  He became a turtle on his back, barely able to go to work, understand the year long trial process and absolutely quit doing anything around the house.  It's also when the raging started.  Again, I didn't understand what was going on but I now realize that his son's abuse brought up horrible memories of his own childhood abuse, his parent's inability to protect him from it, and the biggest, his inability to have protected his son.

Almost immediately, my oldest daughter was painted as black as black can be.  Normal teenage behavior (and I'm a middle school teacher so I do know what's normal... .) was treated with rage and very inappropriate punishments.  There was gaslighting big time (he actually invented things she had supposedly done), projection and lots of yelling at her.  She was a good kid... .honour student, competitive dancer (even represented Canada at the World Hip Hop Championships) and helped me out around the house much more than my husband.  It was rough, and I have deep regrets that I didn't end the marriage after the treatment he gave her, and even made excuses for him and on several occasions asked her to stay out of his way when he was "off". 

My husband now admits that what he did to her was wrong.  He has apologized to her and I.  In doing so, he explained that in his warped thinking, once he realized how "damaged" his son was from his own abuse, he wanted to "even up" the damage to our children from our first marriages.  How sick is that? 

For the most part, our youngest child has remained unscathed.  His son went onto to do something inappropriate sex play with her resulting in me reporting it to social services as I'm a mandated reporter and if you can believe this, I wasn't even allowed to bring it up with his son after the first discussion for a full year.  The reason?  He said his son was "embarrassed" and didn't want to discuss it.  And my request upon finding out what his son had done to our daughter of keeping the first visitation with his son after the disclosure away from our home was disrespected.  Again, he has since apologized for that, but I have no idea if I will ever forgive him for that. 

My oldest who is now 20 lives on her own so she is no longer exposed.  I worry when our daughter gets into the teenage years, her normal teenage behavior will trigger him, but this time, I will never allow it (assuming the marriage survives at all).