I'm not a priority to her

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just have to accept that fact.  We had the whole house to ourselves this morning because all the kids were doing overnight stuff.

What happens?  She gets up early and goes to the gym.   So, I guess I get to enjoy the house for myself.

[workinprogress]

I just have to accept that fact.  We had the whole house to ourselves this morning because all the kids were doing overnight stuff.

What happens?  She gets up early and goes to the gym.   So, I guess I get to enjoy the house for myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi workinprogress

Were you able to enjoy yourself this morning?  Hope so!  How has the rest of your day been?  Had the two of you discussed doing something together in the morning?

[Jackiec]

That is my question as well. Have you had made any plans with her earlier?

And hope you had a nice me-time yourself .

[workinprogress]

I did have some nice me time.

I was hoping for some intimacy.  It has been 5 years or so.

So, I offered to massage her to perhaps get things started.  She said she was going to the gym.

I'm kind of tired of the gym. I am doing a very difficult work out program and my body told me to take a break.  I guess I didn't make plans with her.  I guess I just hoped things would turn out... .

I need to post a thread requesting a 3rd party perspective.  I haven't even seen my wife naked in 15 years.  Am I just crazy thinking things will change?

I really haven't even seen her breasts.  If she were a roommate I figure I would have accidently seen them.

[Hmcbart]

I got frustrated about that once and told my wife, "I have a 50/50 chance of meeting someone at a bar and having sex with them", "I have almost a 100% chance of you saying no".

I have never cheated on her, and in reality my odds of meeting someone at a bar and taking them home are probably closer to 70/30 against.

Workinprigress: I wish I had better information to offer you but at my house it's a very sore subject. Sometimes I get mad before I even ask just because I'm so afraid of the inevitable let down. Our last conversation centered around how I want to have a marriage that includes a sex life. I almost blew a gasket when she said she wanted that also. Then when I pressed about why she won't put an actual effort into it things went really bad and it all ended up being my fault as usual.

I'm a consultant and sales trainer, I often joke that I'm so good at my job because I'm used to hearing no. I tell them it doesn't bother me to be turned down. In truth I don't care to be turned down by a total stranger but by my wife of 17 years. That takes its toll.

[workinprogress]

I got frustrated about that once and told my wife, "I have a 50/50 chance of meeting someone at a bar and having sex with them", "I have almost a 100% chance of you saying no".

I have never cheated on her, and in reality my odds of meeting someone at a bar and taking them home are probably closer to 70/30 against.

Workinprigress: I wish I had better information to offer you but at my house it's a very sore subject. Sometimes I get mad before I even ask just because I'm so afraid of the inevitable let down. Our last conversation centered around how I want to have a marriage that includes a sex life. I almost blew a gasket when she said she wanted that also. Then when I pressed about why she won't put an actual effort into it things went really bad and it all ended up being my fault as usual.

I'm a consultant and sales trainer, I often joke that I'm so good at my job because I'm used to hearing no. I tell them it doesn't bother me to be turned down. In truth I don't care to be turned down by a total stranger but by my wife of 17 years. That takes its toll.

Thanks so much for your response!  I'm in sales also, and I get along so well with my clients!  It's my wife that I can't persuade!

I know what you mean about meeting someone in a bar.  Heck, I have had her friends and other random women proposition me.  I did fall once, and I am paying a heavy price for it.  I hadn't seen a naked woman in 10 years at that point, and I just didn't expect the love bombing I got from the woman.  It totally caught me off guard.  There is no excuse for it, but it happened. 

Anyway, it is so tough grinding life out like this.

[Jackiec]

Good for you that you had a relax me-time. I am working that on my part.

Without planning with her or any announcement, whatever you were expecting to do, even if it is just taking walks. Don't expect that you will get it happen. You don't expect to show up for work during weekend if it has not announced that you were expected to show up, do you? Kind of logical, but at the same time you hope it will happen miraculously. Not blaming you, I have that issue too with intimacy with my gf. So I do understand.

Intimacy is very hard for some people with BPD, I think. Because it involves emotions. The daily emotions they cannot control in life already. How would they ever be able to control the emotions coming from intimacy? No answer to that either, but I think that I can at least relate to it. Furthermore, I think and correct me if I am wrong, intimacy had/have been a tool for some of the people with BPD to run away from their state of mind in the past. Some of the people with BPD are abused in the past. They associate it as something bad or aweful, is it not?

Believe me if I say that your W does want to share that kind of intimacy with you, even if it is unsaid. It just that they can't get over that feeling of fear or whatever reason she is associating with. My gf tells me that she wishes and that she wants to and that she wishes that she could give me that kind of intimacy and that I do deserve, but she is really freaking out of it for a long period of time afterwards. She even suggested to me to have someone on the side for that kind of activities a few time. I only want her and I want to have her intimacy very badly, but I don't want to harm her feelings or in any way for my relieves. Therefore, I love her too much and I don't want to cheat on her either because of lacking the intimacy(even with her permission). I have too much respect for women in general for doing something that low.

[Riverrat]

Well said, Jackiec!

My SO so desperately wants to be held and cuddled. But after a minute of it some awful demon throws a switch and she totally freaks out and has to defend herself from me.

I do feel so bad for her because she really wants to at least snuggle with me in front of the tv. Her emotions just won't allow it--and from what I've read, it's not a trust issue. Her mind responds only with a 'fight or flight' response.

[workinprogress]

Good for you that you had a relax me-time. I am working that on my part.

Without planning with her or any announcement, whatever you were expecting to do, even if it is just taking walks. Don't expect that you will get it happen. You don't expect to show up for work during weekend if it has not announced that you were expected to show up, do you? Kind of logical, but at the same time you hope it will happen miraculously. Not blaming you, I have that issue too with intimacy with my gf. So I do understand.

Intimacy is very hard for some people with BPD, I think. Because it involves emotions. The daily emotions they cannot control in life already. How would they ever be able to control the emotions coming from intimacy? No answer to that either, but I think that I can at least relate to it. Furthermore, I think and correct me if I am wrong, intimacy had/have been a tool for some of the people with BPD to run away from their state of mind in the past. Some of the people with BPD are abused in the past. They associate it as something bad or aweful, is it not?

Believe me if I say that your W does want to share that kind of intimacy with you, even if it is unsaid. It just that they can't get over that feeling of fear or whatever reason she is associating with. My gf tells me that she wishes and that she wants to and that she wishes that she could give me that kind of intimacy and that I do deserve, but she is really freaking out of it for a long period of time afterwards. She even suggested to me to have someone on the side for that kind of activities a few time. I only want her and I want to have her intimacy very badly, but I don't want to harm her feelings or in any way for my relieves. Therefore, I love her too much and I don't want to cheat on her either because of lacking the intimacy(even with her permission). I have too much respect for women in general for doing something that low.

Thanks for the insight.  I personally think that cheating is deplorable, it goes totally against my own values.  On the other hand, if my wife cheated on me, and I suspect she has, I could get over it.  It's just how I'm wired I guess.

As for your gf telling you to have someone on the side, don't believe her.  My wife told me the same thing. 

Thanks again for bringing up their problems with intimacy.  I think their emotions are so powerful that they just don't know how to deal with them.

When my wife got back from the gym I made sexual advances on her and she told me no.  I told her that I loved her and she just said "I know."

Then, out of the blue she started up a conversation like nothing had happened.

[Jackiec]

I think part of it is the hurt that she associates with it, part of it is trust in her partner (no logical explanation for it, because i have no explanation for myself either and it is not accusation toward you or anyone who reads this) and of fear of not to be able to control her own emotions. All three of these issues can be work on together as a couple, especially trust. You can get a lot of life improvement for your partner and yourself in the long run, I think. I believe that at least.

I am working on her trust and communication and I will keep working on these subjects before I go for something else to improve. Can someone here comment on this? Or am I saying the wrong things and making the wrong assumptions here?

[workinprogress]

I think part of it is the hurt that she associates with it, part of it is trust in her partner (no logical explanation for it, because i have no explanation for myself either and it is not accusation toward you or anyone who reads this) and of fear of not to be able to control her own emotions. All three of these issues can be work on together as a couple, especially trust. You can get a lot of life improvement for your partner and yourself in the long run, I think. I believe that at least.

I am working on her trust and communication and I will keep working on these subjects before I go for something else to improve. Can someone here comment on this? Or am I saying the wrong things and making the wrong assumptions here?

The problem is, I don't know how to get her to communicate.  When I sit down and try to talk to her about anything of importance, she gets annoyed.  She will sit in front of the TV and zone out.  She can't be reached.

Then again, if she wants to talk, she can go on forever talking to me about friends that have made her mad.

I know there are tools and what not, but why is it such a task to sit down and have a conversation?

Why does my blood pressure go up because I want a hug or some type of physical contact and I know she will get annoyed?

[Jackiec]

I know there are tools and what not, but why is it such a task to sit down and have a conversation?

Why does my blood pressure go up because I want a hug or some type of physical contact and I know she will get annoyed?

Conversation is confrontation and is frightful for pwBPD. She probably is afraid of her reaction or yours. She is probably afraid of what is being said or accusations made during conversation. It is a lot of what might goes wrong and what probably get worse in pwBPD's head. That makes them walking away from conversations and stop the talking with the people close to them. Talking about a colleague does not involves the person she is talking to and there are no repercussion. Try to limit down the drama on her side, does not mean that you have to get into the whole topic, but validate her when she is ranting about her colleague. It might help. I don't know if what I am claiming is correct, but that is what I do at the moment and it helps our situation.

The part of fear together with fear for intimacy together prevent them to limit down the conversation and lessen or stop physical contact at all with the one close to them.

I personally want to talk all things out in one session and I did that with her at the start, but I noticed and experienced that it is an overload for my gf. The stress causes her to do things that we both regret, that is from huge arguments with days of no communication at all, getting physical (her to me) to self-harm.

I am still the person I am, talking things out. But not to my gf, I just focus on the issue at hand, let her decides what is the best option to solve the issue and help her when she ask. It cost a lot from me, because I need to keep the focus instead of going over what more is wrong and start making the accusations against her or get defensive. I don't know if I can keep doing this all the time and if I will keep doing it, but it does improve our relationship (not the intimacy), even thou I handled in this way a few times now and it is still early to make any assumptions. But I do hope it keeps progressing as time pass and we get closer again eventually.

[workinprogress]

I know there are tools and what not, but why is it such a task to sit down and have a conversation?

Why does my blood pressure go up because I want a hug or some type of physical contact and I know she will get annoyed?

Conversation is confrontation and is frightful for pwBPD. She probably is afraid of her reaction or yours. She is probably afraid of what is being said or accusations made during conversation. It is a lot of what might goes wrong and what probably get worse in pwBPD's head. That makes them walking away from conversations and stop the talking with the people close to them. Talking about a colleague does not involves the person she is talking to and there are no repercussion. Try to limit down the drama on her side, does not mean that you have to get into the whole topic, but validate her when she is ranting about her colleague. It might help. I don't know if what I am claiming is correct, but that is what I do at the moment and it helps our situation.

The part of fear together with fear for intimacy together prevent them to limit down the conversation and lessen or stop physical contact at all with the one close to them.

I personally want to talk all things out in one session and I did that with her at the start, but I noticed and experienced that it is an overload for my gf. The stress causes her to do things that we both regret, that is from huge arguments with days of no communication at all, getting physical (her to me) to self-harm.

I am still the person I am, talking things out. But not to my gf, I just focus on the issue at hand, let her decides what is the best option to solve the issue and help her when she ask. It cost a lot from me, because I need to keep the focus instead of going over what more is wrong and start making the accusations against her or get defensive. I don't know if I can keep doing this all the time and if I will keep doing it, but it does improve our relationship (not the intimacy), even thou I handled in this way a few times now and it is still early to make any assumptions. But I do hope it keeps progressing as time pass and we get closer again eventually.

You sound like you are doing well with this.  I have to be honest, it's just too much for me anymore.  High effort and little reward. 

[Jackiec]

I will state that the grass of the neighbor is always greener than your own. It seems as I am doing better than you, but the fact is that I have struggles myself. But I have not giving up on her yet. As selfless as I sound, my priority is for her to do well and that she can takes care of her own. It is still unsure how things will end up between my gf and I. I just care too much for her to give in on her self destructiveness and walk away from her. Whether I will reach the goal of keeping to have a relationship with her and having a healthy relationship with her is still too early for anyone to tell. There are small light now and then at the end of the tunnel, but I just started walking through that long dark tunnel at the same time.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm sorry, buddy. my dBPDh and I are having the same intimacy issues. In the beginning everything was really... .really... .really good. Now, we have had 'full menu' sex 3 times in 2 years. He does a lot of talking, but when it comes down to starting the act... .doesn't happen. It feels weird now for both of us. Last night, he said he missed our sex life. I told him I did too and we need to work on that. The problem for us is he thinks he has ED, but won't go to a doctor for it. I'm not convinced he has ED, rather that since he "thinks" at his age (a whopping 49, practically a corpse the way you hear him talk about it) he is going to have issues.

[Riverrat]

At 53. I "suddenly" developed ED with my pwBPD. Or so I thought. Now I  believe it's just all the emotions attached to our r/s. The whole love/hate thing, and the constant put downs and negative feelings being projected. Maybe my mind is telling me that all this is very unattractive to me, and perhaps she has succeeded in killing the sex drive in me.

Just my thought.

[MaroonLiquid]

At 53. I "suddenly" developed ED with my pwBPD. Or so I thought. Now I  believe it's just all the emotions attached to our r/s. The whole love/hate thing, and the constant put downs and negative feelings being projected. Maybe my mind is telling me that all this is very unattractive to me, and perhaps she has succeeded in killing the sex drive in me.

Just my thought.

I'm 37 and going through this.  Don't feel bad... .It is the negative emotion and a little PTSD causing the ED I think... .

[ColdEthyl]

I hear what you guys are saying, and I'm sure his negative feelings about himself do cause a physical issue. He had told me to do this or that IE be or aggressive, but it doesn't work. I've been 'aggressive' and then told told "I'm not a piece of meat!" Realistically, this is a problem with him and his take on reality, and there's not much I can do. I tell him he's hot or sexy and he deflects and tells me to shut up or quit touching him. He says is playfully, but I can see the nervousness in his eyes. When I initiate sexual contact, most of the time he pulls away.

workinprogress, I wouldn't be surprised if your W is holding negative thoughts about herself, either. Have you tried setting up dates nights or anything like that? If so, how have they gone?

[workinprogress]

I hear what you guys are saying, and I'm sure his negative feelings about himself do cause a physical issue. He had told me to do this or that IE be or aggressive, but it doesn't work. I've been 'aggressive' and then told told "I'm not a piece of meat!" Realistically, this is a problem with him and his take on reality, and there's not much I can do. I tell him he's hot or sexy and he deflects and tells me to shut up or quit touching him. He says is playfully, but I can see the nervousness in his eyes. When I initiate sexual contact, most of the time he pulls away.

workinprogress, I wouldn't be surprised if your W is holding negative thoughts about herself, either. Have you tried setting up dates nights or anything like that? If so, how have they gone?

ColdEthyl, I will give you the history.  The first five years of our marriage, we had fantastic sex.  After she had kids and started hanging around a group of stay at home mom's, our sex life ended.  They were sort of husband hating women who sat around all day, and refused to have sex with their husbands.

I would bring up my displeasure over this with my wife quite often.  She would callously say, "things change, get over it."  Or, my favorite, "nobody else does it!"

Well, I buried myself in work, after all, I had kids and I had to provide stability for them.  I wasn't about to leave.

About 10 years after sex came to an end, I approached her and said, "Listen, I'm losing my sex drive, this is concerning me.  We need to work on things and get them worked out."

She got angry and said "you're pathetic.  Sex isn't important to me."

So, I tried talking to her and asking for dates and whatever.  She just didn't want to do it.

[workinprogress]

I will finish my story, my dogs interrupted me. 

Anyway, after all of this, I was very depressed.  I said this to my wife and she told me that I needed to go talk to a therapist.  She said that she wouldn't go because I was the one with the problem.  Basically my problem was I wanted to be allowed to touch my wife!

So, a good friend of her's had been sexually pursuing me for years.  She renewed her efforts and told me things like, "your wife said she doesn't love you.  You are just convenient to have around."

She told me that she would do anything that I wanted.

I resisted her efforts, but she persisted.  She would also make fun of my wife.  When I told my wife the true nature of her friend, she would get angry at me!

The woman would text me and proposition me.  I would turn her down, then come home to find this woman at my house socializing with my wife.

She would follow me around.

Eventually I thought, "this woman really cares about me, meanwhile, my wife told me to go get it somewhere else."

So, I finally gave in to her.  We would primarily talk and kiss, nothing major.  Then, my wife took a sudden interest in me, but I didn't feel the same.  How could she suddenly want to have sex with me after years of telling me to go get it somewhere else and telling me that my needs were petty?

My wife finally found out about her friend.  She was furious, to say the least.  I really tried to make things work out, but she would barely speak to me.

I began to realize that my life was much more peaceful without her talking to me.  I barely got any rest prior to all of this.  LOL

I finally decided that I want to make things work.  I have tried and she hasn't responded.  I wonder if she isn't seeing someone else. 

I just grind out each day, with no human touch or affection.  It is not easy.  I don't know how much longer I will be doing this.

[ColdEthyl]

I am so sorry  My H has told me similar things "If I never had sex again I would be perfectly happy" "This is why I hate sex!" "A man my age shouldn't be having sex anyways. This is your fault for marrying an old man!" (I'm 36, he 49)

For him, it's deflection. The subject is sensitive so in typical BPD fashion, he would like to hide from it. But, every once in a blue moon like the night before last... .he will admit to missing it.

I'm going to say you both need to go to T to make your marriage work. You reaching out to that other woman is understandable. We all have needs that need to be met, and when we are not getting those needs met from our spouses, we are prone to look elsewhere. I wonder how all of that would have went if you told your wife the very first time that person propositioned you. I suspect if she showed a sudden interest, she had an idea something was gong on.

Have you asked her why she was angry when she told you to go get it elsewhere?

[Jackiec]

You reaching out to that other woman is understandable. We all have needs that need to be met, and when we are not getting those needs met from our spouses, we are prone to look elsewhere.

Wow... .I mean... .wow... .seriously? You actually mean it is understandable for someone to find it somewhere else... .I know it is hard, and yes it is harder when all you are facing is fights, displeasure and accusations waiting at home and not getting any intimacy and all. It is stupid of us to make mistakes like that, and it is questionable whether it is right or wrong that had happened, but saying it is understandable is way beyond my ethic and beliefs.

The pwBPD you are living with had suffered traumas that is so emotional and that deep that it makes their life unbearable on daily bases and consequently, it had made your life miserable as well. And yes, information was scars in the past and there was no one who had help you guys out back then. All true. But you married him/her because you loved them in the first place, don't you? I mean either work things through with help and support or get divorced and go have as much intimacy as you want, but don't give me the crap of it is understandable. Don't go abuse her trust in you guys, because that is something that is crucial to your loved ones with BPD.

Look at Thailand, Brasil and the Philippines, where boys and girls at young age are forced into prostitution. That guys are not sure anymore of their gender at their twenties. That girl who barely out of their childhood are having their own kids... .and you are telling me understandable? They are freaking traumatised just like your loved ones and you telling to someone who is looking for help to have a better relationship again with his W that it is understandable?

Sorry if I have stepped on some toes, being dramatic and all and made fuss about it, but I can get very upset with that kind of remarks.

[ColdEthyl]

You reaching out to that other woman is understandable. We all have needs that need to be met, and when we are not getting those needs met from our spouses, we are prone to look elsewhere.

Wow... .I mean... .wow... .seriously? You actually mean it is understandable for someone to find it somewhere else... .I know it is hard, and yes it is harder when all you are facing is fights, displeasure and accusations waiting at home and not getting any intimacy and all. It is stupid of us to make mistakes like that, and it is questionable whether it is right or wrong that had happened, but saying it is understandable is way beyond my ethic and beliefs.

The pwBPD you are living with had suffered traumas that is so emotional and that deep that it makes their life unbearable on daily bases and consequently, it had made your life miserable as well. And yes, information was scars in the past and there was no one who had help you guys out back then. All true. But you married him/her because you loved them in the first place, don't you? I mean either work things through with help and support or get divorced and go have as much intimacy as you want, but don't give me the crap of it is understandable. Don't go abuse her trust in you guys, because that is something that is crucial to your loved ones with BPD.

Look at Thailand, Brasil and the Philippines, where boys and girls at young age are forced into prostitution. That guys are not sure anymore of their gender at their twenties. That girl who barely out of their childhood are having their own kids... .and you are telling me understandable? They are freaking traumatised just like your loved ones and you telling to someone who is looking for help to have a better relationship again with his W that it is understandable?

Sorry if I have stepped on some toes, being dramatic and all and made fuss about it, but I can get very upset with that kind of remarks.

I said it was understandable, I did not say it was morally correct, nor did I say I agreed with it. This man is asking for help with his marriage because he wants to stay with her, hence why I suggested going to marriage counseling. If he's looking elsewhere, there's a deep problem that needs to be solved.

I'm not even going to try to figure out how you are connecting what I said with prostitutes in Thailand, but rest assured that I don't find that morally correct, either.

[ColdEthyl]

Do you think just because someone can understand and empathize with something that means they agree with it? I can understand why my cat might eat my pet hamster, that doesn't mean I think the hamster deserved it, or I wouldn't be upset or sad it happened    

[workinprogress]

To clarify, I hated the affair.  It was wrong, nothing I can say will justify it.

I was emotionally starving, and I had a woman continually offering me steak. 

Looking back, I should have done many things differently.  I have replayed this in my mind over and over.  What could I have done differently?

The thing is, I could have turned her down a million more times, and she would have still been there offering me the steak.  If it didn't happen then, it most likely would have happened down the road.  Again, this still doesn't justify it.

All I wanted was a little love and affection from my wife, and I got none.  I was treated like an annoyance.

When I reached out to her, she rejected me.

[ColdEthyl]

It's not my place to judge, I am here to help support. I have made my share of mistakes, as we all have. We are human

I found myself in an emotional affair when I was married to my ex-husband. I couldn't talk to him, and he didn't want to talk about our problems and such. I made friends with this guy and we built feelings for each other. It didn't go any further than that... .my ex-H and I split up for 6 months, started going to counseling together. (He made it to 2 sessions) I gave it another go... .only to have him fall right back into the problematic behavior 3 months later.

It's not my proudest moment.  I know it happened because I was missing companionship in my marriage. I was married for 14 years to someone I didn't really like as a person after the first year. I was barely 18 when I married. I'm not going to go ahead and list off every bad thing in my first marriage, but I wanted you to know, workinprogress, that you are not alone.

[workinprogress]

It's not my place to judge, I am here to help support. I have made my share of mistakes, as we all have. We are human

I found myself in an emotional affair when I was married to my ex-husband. I couldn't talk to him, and he didn't want to talk about our problems and such. I made friends with this guy and we built feelings for each other. It didn't go any further than that... .my ex-H and I split up for 6 months, started going to counseling together. (He made it to 2 sessions) I gave it another go... .only to have him fall right back into the problematic behavior 3 months later.

It's not my proudest moment.  I know it happened because I was missing companionship in my marriage. I was married for 14 years to someone I didn't really like as a person after the first year. I was barely 18 when I married. I'm not going to go ahead and list off every bad thing in my first marriage, but I wanted you to know, workinprogress, that you are not alone.

Thanks, Ethyl.  To be honest, I beat the crap out of myself over this.  I couldn't understand how I let it happen.

I think that I had so much faith in myself to do the right thing.  Plus, I tried to be superman.  I worked endlessly, I catered to my wife, and I just got worn down.  Not making excuses, just stating what happened.

Ethyl, I'm wondering something.  Did the other guys pursue you?  Did he turn out to be NPD?

They can pick people out who are hurting.

[Jackiec]

As I was saying at the end of my infuriating post, I am sorry that I stepped on toes, and so on.

I apologise again about it. I know I have not had the years of loneliness like many of you did and still do. I do realise that. I am 33 and still at Infant stage compared to you all.I have an absolute idealism and idea about love and marriage and being together and all. I have realised a year ago already that my life with intimacy might be over already and that I might never have children of us on if it ever ever comes that far and I am big on that too. And I am still working my ass off to be with her and to stay with her. Because she is that important to me.

I have a very demanding work life as well as demanding private life toward my parents. They do not know about my gf condition. They don't know what I am going through and they certainly do not know that there is a huge chance that I might not have children of my own. It is a cultural thingy, too long story to tell. Being Chinese and solely kid is not great or practical at all. That I can tell you. But that I don't tell them is because I care of them and that I don't want them to think less of my gf. They treat her as their own. I am not telling them because my gf and I discussed this at early stage of our relationship and we made the promise that we will talk to my parents about her condition when that time comes. I keep my promises to her and I make sure that I will fulfill it to the letter of this promise. As I promised her my love. That is sacred to me.

All I want to say and that I realise is that this is not something everyone of us can do as I am doing. But her happiness means the world to me. If she is happy, I am happy. Maybe because I am still in my infant stage, but I am willing to sacrifice myself for her. I would go through hell for that matter.  Friends who knows me will say that same thing about me and they will say that I am a great guy and the biggest idiot they ever come across in their life.

I could have ran away and distance myself from my gf at early stage of our relationship. Because even thou Ididn't know much about BPD, but I knew that wouldn't be easy and it could be like everything you all mentioning here in this topic and on the forum.  I thought once about it if that was not the correct choice. I thought a day about it. From logical thinking, it had all alarm bells on it and I should walk away as far as I can get. From my emotional point of view, not in a million years and thsee are my words and my motivation to keep working for her and for us. And that is the greatest intimacy I will have with her when she is happy for now. I am not giving up on her how difficult or if she is even asking me to. Not because I don't respect her wishes, but my love for her hasn't died a bit from the day I met her.

I can also tell you that this week had been a good week so far for my gf and me since the start of this year. We had small talks and we spent more time with each other than the past months. I am happy and I will keep taking small baby steps as long as I have to keep this happiness that we are having since long period. Even without the intimacy that I am missing.

[ColdEthyl]

No need to apologize, Jackiec. You were expressing your opinion, and no doubt there was a misunderstanding there. You read it as though I was condoning the behavior, which I was not.

I also have high value and ideals about marriage, so I do understand that. What happened with me... .I was not proud of. Like this man, I was ashamed of myself. This marriage and this husband... .it will not happen. I am aware of his abandonment issues, and why he is the way he is. My previous marriage was a different beast... .a different story, and I was a different person. I love my husband, and I love who he is. I married him with my eyes wide open... .something I did not do before.

@workinprogress I believe so. He promised a lot of things, said he wouldn't treat me like this and that... .all the things I wanted to hear from my ex... .and looking back now, I'm sure he knew that. I wouldn't start a relationship unless I was divorced, so I split with my ex for 6 months... .2 weeks after I split with my ex, this guy broke of contact. It was obvious after I was entertainment... .perhaps.

After that I started counseling, ex went twice with me... .he promised things and said what I wanted to hear... .did his best for a few months before everything crumbled again. We split for the final time... .he moved out of state, I met my current H at work. He promised things... .said things I wanted to hear... .


See a pattern here for me? Lol I keep believing these guys who lie to me. The difference with my current H is he means it. He does... .he just isn't always able to follow through. But, he is genuinely trying in our marriage. He wants to do better... .he wants us to do better. It's a much better place to be than my last marriage.

Try not to beat yourself up. That's easier said than done, I know. I am my worst critic. But, you made a mistake. Ok. What are you going to do now? That's important. I believe counseling would be good both of you. Do you think she would go to T?