T group "diagnosis" gone bad

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello Everybody!

Soo... .dBPDgf goes to her group DUI counseling session last night, and apparently the topic was "other people in my life". Well, after picking her up from class, first thing she says is "my entire group thinks I should break up with you".

I asked why that was, and she reponded that "They think I'm much too friendly and outgoing to be with someone who can't even talk to me. I need someone to be a man, take charge, and be a leader! Not a boy that just does his own thing".

I carefully asked if she had given them a acurrate portrayal of our relationship, and she said "I didn't lie to them" and went dead silent.

After a while I asked her what her thoughts were on this. "I don't know yet"

I could literally hear her brain whirling trying to get a grip on this concept. I was wondering what color I ws painted at that moment.

Finally, she came up with her ususal line of "We both have issues to address", then added "she believes that with work on both of our parts we can have a great future together" "We both just need to keep working at it".

I almost drove off the road at this revelation!

I responded with "I know you are working hard on your issues, as am I. You know I am committed to this r/s and have never thought about leaving you"

It got a smile, and a "let's keep working on it" from her.

Still, later that night it bothered me that a support group said she should leave. I mean I take all her crap, am working and sacrificing to help support her and pay her living expenses, while she takes care of lawyers and court costs, I am even paying for this T session where I am thrown under the bus!

Now granted, this is not with her regular T where her diagnosis is, so perhaps their group leader has NO idea of her BPD issues, or nature of our r/s.

She has complained to her regular T about everything I do, as is typical. She once spent a whole session about how messed up me and her Mom are.

Yes, as I posted elsewhere, sometimes the silence is deafening, but I've read that is typical with SO. She lost her license, so I drive her to work, classes, T, court, everywhere. She makes a low wage, but I encourage her to keep working as she likes it and gets praise for it.

**---> Of course, I have a typical BPD relationship--no intimacy, no sex, she complains about everything, weekly rages, hates everybody- except the dog, does only what she wants to do, countless hours on computer games, and of course I can't share any feelings or thoughts with her. You guys know the drill, but I wonder if she told the group THAT!

In fact, last night she did acknowledge that I have been engaging her into convo more, even if it is more like "20 questions". Well, it's hard when you get one word, or short sentance answers, and asking her to elaborate gets me an "that's all" answer.

Still it kept me up late thinking about this, and while we did discuss some currant affairs from the news on the way to work this am. I still wonder why we can't communicate like normal couples.

Funny, because many of MY friends who know what's up think I should break up with her, move to a new place and just be gone. Interesting.

Can't help but wonder how she painted me to that group. I know how she is with others, so I'm sure they think she's wonderful, as does even my family and D21.

Any thoughts on this?

Find it interesting she wants to stay with me? Or is she just enjoying the ride for now?

[Riverrat]

Hello Everybody!

Soo... .dBPDgf goes to her group DUI counseling session last night, and apparently the topic was "other people in my life". Well, after picking her up from class, first thing she says is "my entire group thinks I should break up with you".

I asked why that was, and she reponded that "They think I'm much too friendly and outgoing to be with someone who can't even talk to me. I need someone to be a man, take charge, and be a leader! Not a boy that just does his own thing".

I carefully asked if she had given them a acurrate portrayal of our relationship, and she said "I didn't lie to them" and went dead silent.

After a while I asked her what her thoughts were on this. "I don't know yet"

I could literally hear her brain whirling trying to get a grip on this concept. I was wondering what color I ws painted at that moment.

Finally, she came up with her ususal line of "We both have issues to address", then added "she believes that with work on both of our parts we can have a great future together" "We both just need to keep working at it".

I almost drove off the road at this revelation!

I responded with "I know you are working hard on your issues, as am I. You know I am committed to this r/s and have never thought about leaving you"

It got a smile, and a "let's keep working on it" from her.

Still, later that night it bothered me that a support group said she should leave. I mean I take all her crap, am working and sacrificing to help support her and pay her living expenses, while she takes care of lawyers and court costs, I am even paying for this T session where I am thrown under the bus!

Now granted, this is not with her regular T where her diagnosis is, so perhaps their group leader has NO idea of her BPD issues, or nature of our r/s.

She has complained to her regular T about everything I do, as is typical. She once spent a whole session about how messed up me and her Mom are.

Yes, as I posted elsewhere, sometimes the silence is deafening, but I've read that is typical with SO. She lost her license, so I drive her to work, classes, T, court, everywhere. She makes a low wage, but I encourage her to keep working as she likes it and gets praise for it.

**---> Of course, I have a typical BPD relationship--no intimacy, no sex, she complains about everything, weekly rages, hates everybody- except the dog, does only what she wants to do, countless hours on computer games, and of course I can't share any feelings or thoughts with her. You guys know the drill, but I wonder if she told the group THAT!

In fact, last night she did acknowledge that I have been engaging her into convo more, even if it is more like "20 questions". Well, it's hard when you get one word, or short sentance answers, and asking her to elaborate gets me an "that's all" answer.

Still it kept me up late thinking about this, and while we did discuss some currant affairs from the news on the way to work this am. I still wonder why we can't communicate like normal couples.

Funny, because many of MY friends who know what's up think I should break up with her, move to a new place and just be gone. Interesting.

Can't help but wonder how she painted me to that group. I know how she is with others, so I'm sure they think she's wonderful, as does even my family and D21.

Any thoughts on this?

Find it interesting she wants to stay with me? Or is she just enjoying the ride for now?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Riverrat,

I read your post and my first thought is... .try not to worry about what other's think unless you are asking for their well informed opinion. 

You say you want to work on it... she says she wants to work on it.  Focus there.  Focus on what  you can do to  make communication better.

Instead of asking questions that can have one word answers ask validating type questions that are open ended,... .what do you think?  how do you feel about that?  what would you say?  that's interesting, what did you mean by _____?

Talk about the small stuff and the big stuff may come later.

Avoid "Why" "you" "Should" "Ought" "Always" "Never" "But"  these are conversation stoppers.

Improve communication and validation.  I hope that turns into a healthier relationship in the other departments as well.

lbj

[Oooohm]

What lbjnltx said... .

Also keep in mind (For your own peace of mind) pwBPD don't necessarily "hear" what is actually being said.

I'm sure there have been many times where you have said something to her and a few hours, or days later it has been regurgitated back at you "twisted". 

So what makes you think "her perception" of what people where saying in her group is about you is accurate... .in anyway at all.

"Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear"  (Old Proverb drilled into me by my Dad)  Basically keep an open mind to "Other possibilities" and people's "Misperceptions" of events.

[Aurylian]

As you are aware, none of this is uncommon.  Sorry you had to go through it, but I can certainly relate.

As was mentioned above, ask yourself why you care what her group thinks about you?  There are certain mutual friends and relatives that you have to protect your reputation with.  But, my BPDw has given several of her friends her version of our reality.  Nothing I do is going to change that.  

In my life, people that know me can figure out that some of the things my BPDw says just can't be true.  I mostly let my life speak for itself.  But, I have had to become very comfortable with not really caring what anyone outside of work and my inner circle think of me.  That seems to work and only the people who really don't know me at all probably believe my wife's reality.  

Also, don't try and mix logic with her actions.  I made the enormous mistake one time of asking my BPDw the question I knew the answer too and should not have asked.  She was asking why I couldn't be like this guy at our church that she thinks is the best thing since sliced bread.  After expressing her disdain for me, I asked the the first bad question: "So you basically don't respect me, right?"  The answer was "yes" and that lead to a bunch of junk followed by my second foolish question: "If you don't respect me, then why do you want to constantly have sex with someone you don't respect?"  (sexual desire on her part is not a problem).  This was a logic trap and did months of damage.  There was no good answer or way out for her and created a huge problem internally.  Somethings are better just not discussed.

[Oooohm]

Riverrat,

Also... Not to get to heady but: This maybe whats happening... (Based on my experience with my uBPDw)

In Therapy session: She may be playing the "part" of you (Mirroring) ... .describing things she does as you doing them... .(Projection)... .then hearing she should break up with you (Meaning you should break up with her)... .(Triggering an extinction burst "Pushing away"... .telling you "They said I should break-up with you" but really meaning: "You should break up with me"... .

Most of this happens (I believe) on a sub-conscious level. Almost like their "Protection Mechanisms" prevent it from being deliberate or with malice.

Can be very frustrating and illogical for a NON. 

[Riverrat]

lbjnltx--Thanks!

It helps to review basic BPD communication skills! I think sometimes she is afraid to speak her mind or talk too much,  as her mask will come off and her true self, damaged as she believes it is, may be revealed.  Thanks for the tips!

Aury: Yes, True I don't care what those people think. Just surprised that the counselor on duty let the convo go in that direction. Despite everything, I believe SO truly loves me, best as she can. She does dis me on occasion to others, so I'm used to it, and dealing with it is not a problem.

Ooohm: You are so right about her mirroring and projecting! She does that on a regular basis. She does push me away when she feels too comfortable. I think I hit it when I told her that "I've never thought about leaving you". She has stated that maybe she would be better off alone previously. She knows thats not true--but leaves the door open for me to leave her if that was of any interest to me.

She does a lot of twisting of convo's, and even facts of things we have seen, so it is possible she didn't hear what the group was actually telling her. It didn't take her long to decide to stay with me, so she didn't put much weight on their comments either. Plus, I'm sure she may have left out telling them the positives in our r/s, focusing only on what she sees as actual negatives, and not on the whole package!

Thanks everyone, I'll sleep much better tonight!