I decided I should put this topic here since it's more about dealing with my personal issues rather than trying to figure anything out about my ex.
A little background. There's a room in my house that I have been avoiding dealing with for some 5 months now. In my ex's hurry to leave the house, I think she may have forgotten about a good chunk of her personal items that she kept in the office. Two digital cameras, iPod, all of the cards from me, family, and friends (she saved all this stuff), her college notebooks and bookbag, a few family items that were passed down to her, and some clothing. She has yet to reach out about getting these things back so at this point, it's mine.
Until today, I hardly even set foot in that room, let alone have I tried to do anything about her stuff. But in an effort to keep things moving along, I decided I would tackle that room and get rid of the last bit of stuff that I have of hers. There's some value in the electronics so I saved those for last. Everything else I chucked.
The cameras were the toughest. She documented everything. Food pics. Candid pics of the two of us, friends, and family. Scenery pics. All in all I think I went through and deleted some 2500 pictures between the two cameras. A lot of these pictures were from our trips together. Some from wedding showers. Some from our honeymoon. Some from the trip I planned for our engagement. Some from parties we had at our house (some of those being just a few weeks before she left). It brought back a lot of memories. Some I had not thought about in quite a while.
But I've been working through how I feel about it all. I didn't really feel all that much when I saw the pictures of her, at least attraction wise, which I'm very happy about. But I definitely feel as though I have lost something very important and close to me. I don't feel as though I have lost her so much as I feel as though I have lost a part of my life. And there's no doubt that I have lost something very dear to me it just seems like this is the first time that I'm really acknowledging just how personal this is for me. I'm trying to put a finger on just what this feeling is as I can't quite seem to nail it down.
And then there's the bargaining side that seems to get reignited every time I stumble upon a trigger. It's difficult to reconcile seeing those pictures, some of which were dated very close to when she left (anniversary trip in particular), with how these last 5 months have played out. One minute we are traveling the country together, the next minute she's packing her stuff and walking out of my life. But that's when I have to remind myself that coming at it from my perspective isn't going to make sense.
So I guess all in all, I'm doing fine with this. I managed to take back the last room in my house and made it mine again. I toss the last bit of her junk. And I got two pretty nice cameras in the process. I am definitely feeling a bit down about it all but I know it will pass. Pretty soon there won't be many of these little things left to bug me. And hopefully if I do bump into a trigger, it won't really be all that triggering. In due time, I suppose.
I understand your feelings. My ex used a bedroom in our house as her "dressing room" so it was the room that I felt her presence most strongly. For the first week after she was gone I kept the door closed... .but by the end of the week I realized that the longer I waited, the harder it would get. I went in and repainted, bought new pictures, and made it "mine." As I was doing it I realized it was very similar to what I would have had to do if she had
died.This is pretty much what you're experiencing right now... .with all the attendant feelings of grief, nostalgia, mourning, and acceptance. You sound like you are in a very good place: experiencing your feelings without letting them drag you down into a dark pit. Recognizing that you are healing, but that you need even more time to finish and let go.
It sounds to me like you are doing well.
