How do you get your Bpd partner to acknowledge the diagnosis.

[Nisran881]

Its hard to learn about BPD and not be able to actually discuss what you learn when the term is a trigger.  I mean,  she has no problem saying she knows she is "messed up. " She would not even go to a therapist, unless I went to one myself first, which I did after realizing things were getting worse.  Yet she told me on the second date she was diagnosed with BPD.  I dont think I ever heard her say it again except to say she does not think she really does and that everyone is messed up In their own way.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stalwart]

Hey Nisran:

I hope this post finds you well in your relationship.

I'll give you a bit of experience. My wife was diagnosed with BPD and undergoes therapy. In the past three years she's really done well at learning more situational awareness and when she does get triggered is doing well recognizing it and bringing it under control. It really is amazing.

For me I've been on a three-year study to learn everything there is to better understand and inform myself of this disorder and how it relates to my wife and myself. We are both living an entirely different life as a result of really learning and working at it.

The one thing I know for certain is that my wife does not WANT to live in the reminder of her illness or challenges constantly or virtually any recognition of her illness on a daily basis. I believe that it's a constant on her mind and struggles inwardly enough with it that it really isn't necessary to actually bring it up. It's actually a trigger if I would - but knowing she dislikes it and her ever-growing awareness of the stigma means I have the understanding not to. She will talk about it if and when she feels comfortable doing that or she needs to. I never bring it up, there isn't anything positive I find that can come from it.

Knowing and applying it to your own behaviors is the real trick to changing the dynamics. Her knowing or sharing what I think she should do or perhaps think, can only bring about a negative. She really has the responsibility and the only one who has the ability to tackle herself.

In my experience changing myself, my actions and reactions to bring better harmony and trust in our relationship has changed everything and in turn allowed her to feel more confident, trusting and engaged in our relationship. I've always found that avoiding the diagnosis and using affirmative actions of support, caring physical gestures and only positive and sensitive conversations work better than confronting the illness and strategies for improvement. I use them for me, not her. She does brief me sometimes on her therapy session but I never pry, that's her job and I have my own to do. I simply support her efforts financially and gently urge her on with support and positive confirmations of being proud of her efforts.

Just wondering Nisran, what would you want to share with her that you've learned my friend?

[formflier]

Nisran881,

I am so glad that you found bpdfamily! 

You already seem to have a good insight into this disorder and have identified a trigger... .the name "BPD".

So... .can you tell us about what you and your T (therapist) have talked about?  How is that going?

When you say

things were getting worse.  

What does that mean... .can you describe that more?  That will help us point you in the right direction.

Many people have come here... .like you... .searching for answers.  I found them here... .and my r/s (relationship) is much... .much... better.

I believe bpdfamily can do the same for you.  Looking forward to your next post!

 

[an0ught]

Welcome Nisran881,

Its hard to learn about BPD and not be able to actually discuss what you learn when the term is a trigger. 

indeed this is a problem. A problem until you wrap your head around CBT&:)BT (cognitive behavioral therapy resp. dialectical behavioral therapy) and come to terms with that discussion/words/thinking does not matter so much. What counts a lot more is our behavior i.e. what we do! Some of what we do may involve words but often the emotions behind the words are what counts.

The board however is a good place to discuss and reflect. Again welcome,

a0

[Nisran881]

Wow,  nice to be able to talk to some others faced with the similar challenges.  That in itself is validating for me.  I was on another site where mostly people struggling with BPD venting, sharing asking and giving support to each other.  It did help me to have a lot more empathy for their struggles which is difficult when you are in the midst of it. 

    Anyways, I am with her over 4 years now.  When I met her she was at a point of having resigned herself to the fact that she would never have a "relationship."  We were mostly on and off some the first few years during which time I asked for her commitment and thought I had it. Of course we were off for short periods when I reacted poorly to any number of her behaviors, all the while I guess learning more and more about how I needed to be for her and how she could help me with that.   

     Eventually I found out that she was keeping her last man on the side and going back and forth between us enjoying repeated reunions but actually horrified about it and feeling quite guilty.    She confessed this to me, we split for a while  and then got through it and committed to give it our best shot, no more on and off, agreeing if we were off again, we would be done.  She moved in with me and has been here over a year.   Have read book after book and still at it and practicing.  We drank a lot and that never helped. 

  I stopped drinking for Lent and began attending therapy. She was shocked and amazed that I could stop and worried that therapy would bring up all the infidelity stuff I had been trying to keep out of my mind. She promised to go to therapy when she move in but did not.  She said she would go when I go.  So I did in order for her to get some help.   The cutting back on drinking and therapy were a  trigger for her because others she was with could cut back on drinking and she could not or did not want to, so it made her feel bad. She accused me of trying to make her feel guilty.  She actually raged at me over it and ended up breaking our bedroom door.   So that is what I mean about it had gotten worse. 

     She seemingly shocked herself and began therapy and cutting back on her drinking, something she asked me not to ever ask her to do when we first met.   I have not asked her but she is doing it on her own, so I have some hope. 

[Stalwart]

Nisran:

You've been through a lot, like many of have. Actually you've had a really tough one.

Amazing and so awesome to see you're doing so well for yourself and it's really encouraging to here that your wife is walking along the same path. I'm sure you're a great encourager and who could ask for more commitment or dedication than leading the way.

Good for you my friend. I really hope that it works out well for both of you. Keep in touch.

[joshbjoshb]

Stalwart, thank you for sharing your story here.

I want you to realize that your story is very different than many of the people here, including the OP, and including myself. Your wife accepted her diagnosis, going through treatment, etc. While my wife refuse even to accept the idea of going to a therapist.

It's important for me to say it because in other threads you come across as so strong, and how you were able to move your marriage in a much better direction than it was. I have no doubt that it took tremendous effort on your part, but when you have someone that is at least willing to do SOME of the world, it makes a world of a difference.

So good for you. I am really happy that your wife is willing to realize what she has and go through therapy, but please - when you see people in very different situations, don't give them false hopes that it's all up to them to make a difference.

Yes, it's up to us, NON's, to reduce conflicts. I believe that every NON can reduce much of the conflict and become a happier person - and we must do it! - but for some of us, unless our spouse wakes up one day and realize how bad of a shape they are, they will always struggle with the idea of being married to someone who has no awareness of what they are saying / causing.

[formflier]

She actually raged at me over it and ended up breaking our bedroom door.   So that is what I mean about it had gotten worse. 

     She seemingly shocked herself and began therapy and cutting back on her drinking, something she asked me not to ever ask her to do when we first met.   I have not asked her but she is doing it on her own, so I have some hope. 

Nisran881,

Great job coming back and posting again... .      And yes... .we are a very supportive community.   

I see what you mean by worse.  Has breaking doors or furniture ever happened before?

I can totally relate how that would make anyone think that things were going in the wrong direction

But... .man... .your story seems to have a different twist.  She is now in therapy?

What kind?  CBT DBT  Has she been to a "P" (psychiatrist in "board speak)?  How many sessions has she been to?

Formal diaganosis?

Tell me about the therapy that you are going to?

I know I laid a lot of questions on you... .but your story is more hopeful that I had considered.  Most people have a really hard time getting their SOs to go to therapy.

Looking forward to chatting with you more!

FF

[Stalwart]

Hey Josh:

Thanks for clarifying that. For six years my wife also refused to even consider the fact that there was anything wrong with her. I guess as people term it Josh she's extremely high-performing. No waif there anywhere.

Her realizing herself really had to come from two contributing factors. Her doing so much and being so dysregulated that she actually not only threatened her entire life and the only relationship she'd ever had that lasted more than a couple of months combined with really desperate problems with the law. Apart from that it really was a finesseful challenge to approach her with what the problem was. It was all timing and if it's the right word, manipulating the situation perfectly to expose her to it in a gentle, understanding and empathetic way.

Believe me Josh, I was as frustrated as everyone here that she wasn't aware that all the problems in her life was actually a mental illness. The real truth is; she did know and I believe most know, but won't or can't admit or share that they have known all their lives that they aren't like everyone else and they do struggle differently and certainly aren't understood as a result. It must be really tough to have what you believe to some degree is everyone's normal (because that is her normal) and realize it isn't. A real and desperate mental illness on top of that? Well that's a lot for anyone to have to face, let alone live up to.

If it wasn't for the fact I was able to put her at ease, ensure the conversation had NOTHING to do with us, our relationship, past or marriage, and have her feel as though she was sitting in front of someone who actually UNDERSTOOD her; it never would have happened.

There is always the future Josh and the best a person can do is to learn real and sincere empathy and show it not through advice but through listening and validating her experiences. Everyone wants to heard, listened to, understood and accepted for who they are, not what they aren't. Really, her life has always been her reality and exactly how she experiences life, the challenges, people in her life.

There is one thing I always keep in my mind and that's just how difficult that must be to manage for her.

[Nisran881]

Yes she has diagnosis, psychiatrist, three inpt hospitalization, suicide attempt, med overdose while drinking vodka, now just drinks wine, also ADD, on mood stabilizer, antidepressant and amphetamine.  Not my wife yet?