How can a non-BP support their non-BP partner detaching from an uBP mother?

[larkinthemorning]

Dear all, this is my first post anywhere on this website, so I should introduce myself. Unlike many members, the supposed BP person in my life is neither a relation or friend, but my non BP partner's undiagnosed BP mother.

After we had been together for eighteen months, my partner experienced a nervous breakdown caused by moving overseas for work, finishing a doctoral thesis and-- it now seems clear-- his emotionally abusive home situation. At this point, I actually felt so exhausted by our relationship (of about 18 months) that I had to end it. After a period of some time apart we met up again, and realised that we still loved each other, and wanted to make another go of it.

After four and a half years we have just moved in together after a period of being long-distance. We are both very excited to be living together for the first time. However, the relationship has not been allowed to grow as it might otherwise do so: partly because of the constant emotional abuse he receives from his mother, and partly because it is clear that he has some emotional healing to do. He has lost a lot of self-esteem, confidence and is generally run down by the situation. It is affecting his ability to function on a day to day basis, and his ability to make larger decisions about his career, our relationship and how he wants to live his life. We have now both recognised that things are at a critical stage for him and for our relationship. This is particularly so for me, as my religious beliefs mean that I would like us to begin to consider getting married before too long. We are beginning to find out about BPD and its affects in order to understand how he and we might move forward.

My partner's mother's behaviour causes a great deal of pain for both of us. She is opposed to our relationship, and my partner is consistently subject to emotional abuse and manipulation by his mother whenever they are in contact. She is depressed, upset and angry and offers me as the sole reason for her emotional state. She has threatened to kill herself if we do not break up. She has also told him that she wishes I was dead, and that she prays that bad things will happen to me. The rest of the family are worn down by the situation, and are unable to cope. I cannot tell whether they believe what she says about me as the cause of her being unwell because she says different things to different people.

On a more practical level, she requires constant contact with her son, and when he tries to reassert boundaries she will call me, my work, his work, even my family home-- whoever she can, either prank calling them constantly, or-- if they do not know her-- telling them it is an emergency and that she needs to speak to her son. I have since changed my number and established a plan with my place of work to ensure that she cannot contact me. My partner is currently considering new ways in which he can erect similar boundaries with his mother after reading _Walking on Eggshells_, which he says was very helpful. He has just taken the first step of telling his mother that his behaviour is hurting him, and that he needs some time in which he is non-contactable. It produced the expected backlash. However, I am very proud of him for beginning on this journey of taking back his life.

I want to support my partner in every way I can. But I also recognise that I can only act in a supporting role. I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has experienced emotional incest as  children, or who have BPD parents, and have been supported by their partners:

what was most helpful or valuable to you? Did you manage to work through this in a way which meant that you could take your own relationship forward?

[clljhns]

  larkinthemorning,


I am so sorry to hear about what your SO has been going through with his mother, and how this has impacted your relationship and plans.

My partner's mother's behaviour causes a great deal of pain for both of us. She is opposed to our relationship, and my partner is consistently subject to emotional abuse and manipulation by his mother whenever they are in contact. She is depressed, upset and angry and offers me as the sole reason for her emotional state. She has threatened to kill herself if we do not break up. She has also told him that she wishes I was dead, and that she prays that bad things will happen to me.

This is terrible and a huge drain on you and SO emotionally. Do you live close to SO's mother?

I have since changed my number and established a plan with my place of work to ensure that she cannot contact me. My partner is currently considering new ways in which he can erect similar boundaries with his mother after reading _Walking on Eggshells_, which he says was very helpful. He has just taken the first step of telling his mother that his behaviour is hurting him, and that he needs some time in which he is non-contactable. It produced the expected backlash. However, I am very proud of him for beginning on this journey of taking back his life.

I think you took the appropriate steps to establish boundaries around SO's mom's behavior.  What has SO said about his plans to establish boundaries?

I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has experienced emotional incest as  children, or who have BPD parents

My mother is uBPD, and so I can speak from that perspective. I didn't have a partner who supported me in dealing with my mom, but I think there are some practical suggestions that would still apply. I know that FOG kept me firmly attached to my mom for many years, and my damaged self-esteem kept me from setting boundaries. I would recommend that your SO read the articles here on FOG and establishing boundaries. I have included the links: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries and https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog . You can also check out the glossary for other articles and workshops that might be of help.

I want to commend you for your support to your SO!   Many of us here did not receive that kind of support, but recognize how valuable it is.

All the best.  

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, larkinthemorning (beautiful screen name, btw)! I am a non-PD with a uBPDmom, married a year and a half ago to a non-PD with a uBPDmom. I saw therapists off and on for most of my twenties and early thirties in order to deal with the abuse and ongoing stress from my own uBPDmom, but it wasn't until about five years ago that I found out about BPD and started connecting the dots with her behavior (which is not quite as over-the-top as many pwBPD.)

My uBPDmil is much more extreme in her behaviors (every single thing you listed, and more), so much so that we are no longer in contact with her at all. (She still barrages us with emails and packages and attempts to reach us through third parties, but we do not accept any attempt at contact.) However, my husband was unaware of the reality of her disorder until around the time he and I were discussing marriage.

what was most helpful or valuable to you? Did you manage to work through this in a way which meant that you could take your own relationship forward?

When my husband and I first started dating, I could tell something was strange with his family (his parents lived with him in his house, so I got to see a lot of interaction first-hand whenever I visited), and I let him know my concerns as we went forward. However, I remembered what a long, slow process it was for me to be able even to label my own home experience as "abusive", and how many years of therapy and supportive friendships it took for me to nurture myself and grow strong enough to put my foot down against ongoing toxic patterns.

This put me in an odd situation; I knew far better than he did, yet, what the problems in his family were, and what his road ahead was likely to be if he chose to work towards health and wholeness. But I also could not take my knowledge and force-feed him with it. It was a very careful line I walked during our dating period; I did tell him my observations, recommended to him books I had found helpful, and urged him to go to trusted advisers to get their take on his difficulties and the information I was giving him.

Fortunately for me - well, for both of us! - he took only about 5 months to do what it took me 5 years to do, and start all the balls rolling to get himself out from underneath three decades of manipulation and lies and twisted, toxic love. We did not get engaged until several things came to a head with his mom - her beginning of direct attacks to me was a big catalyst for him. He began confronting her on her behavior for the first time in his life, and he began meeting with a counselor who helped him make further separation decisions. We also saw a premarital counselor together, a really neat guy who had long understanding of personality disorders and how they interact and twist with Christian doctrines of forgiveness and love. He helped us both make much more clean-cut decisions than we would have otherwise, and supported us with reasonable assurance and clear thinking that helped us stay free of crippling guilt on the matter.

So as far as advice to you? I think the three things that helped us most were

1) My experience and personal research, offered to him but not forced on him [I never presented him with ultimatums; I *did* have ultimatums for myself. If he hadn't been so impressively steady in his growth along the way, I would not have married him, and may have broken up with him entirely.]

2) Good advice/clarity from books and articles.  ... .I think it's really awesome that your SO has read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". If he's up for reading, I'd also recommend "Silently Seduced" by Kenneth M. Adams. That was the one that got my husband to recognize that he'd been enduring emotional incest in his home.

3) Good advice/confrontation from older, wiser friends and counselors. This was absolutely key; numbers 1 and 2 would not have been enough on their own. It helped in our situation that it was a man a generation older than us who did our premarital counseling. My fiance had been ruled by his mother for so long, and then along comes a woman (me) who shook up his thinking on everything; I would have been hesitant for his main confrontational counsel to come from another woman. I don't think the gender distinction is necessary for everyone, but it was a big healing point for him.

Please let us know how things go for you and SO as you keep on with the LC boundary! That is huge. Really huge. Our honeymoon was the first time in his life that my husband had gone more than 24 hours without contacting his mom, and, though we had a great week, the combination of relief and anxiety it produced was unmistakable. He had a difficult time not overreacting with despair to minor problems we encountered as we began to make our life together. It wasn't until five months into our marriage - five rather horrifying, exhausting months that revealed depths of his mother's disorder that he'd never even seen before - that he had to cut her off entirely. Our marriage had been truly good for those five months, but as he detoxed from her constant input and attacks, he became so. much. freer. to live his life with joy and strength. Which then, of course, made our relationship even more fun and life-giving.

[K1313]

First, welcome.

I'm so sorry to hear of you and your partner's struggles with this.

My partner is currently considering new ways in which he can erect similar boundaries with his mother after reading _Walking on Eggshells_, which he says was very helpful. He has just taken the first step of telling his mother that his behaviour is hurting him, and that he needs some time in which he is non-contactable. It produced the expected backlash. However, I am very proud of him for beginning on this journey of taking back his life.

I want to support my partner in every way I can. But I also recognise that I can only act in a supporting role. I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has experienced emotional incest as  children, or who have BPD parents, and have been supported by their partners:

what was most helpful or valuable to you? Did you manage to work through this in a way which meant that you could take your own relationship forward?

I would start by saying that I think it's great that you want to help your partner. Is he in therapy? I've found CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) invaluable in working through my issues with my BPDmother. I would recommend that he consider seeing a therapist to help work through some of the self-esteem issues as, in my experience, this is a key part of healing from the trauma of childhood with a borderline parent.

A few years ago my partner and I almost divorced. I won't go so far as to say that the reason was my mother but I do believe that some of the behaviors I learned from her contributed to the problems we had to work through. It's been two years since we've reconciled and our relationship is healthier and more wonderful than ever. I tell you this so that you will know that it absolutely is possible to work through the complications that BPD brings into your life.

That said, it can be a long and arduous process. My partner tried to hint at my mother's issues for years before I finally realized what was going on with her. The day I told him about the BPD and started giving voice to all my feelings/issues, I thought he was going to cry with relief.

I've made a lot of progress in addressing the issues that came from my childhood with a Borderline mother (and that continue today since I am yet able to go NC) but there are some days where I slide right back to the beginning of this journey and it feels like I've made no progress at all. Be prepared to see your partner struggle with similar step-forward/step-back. These moments pass but can be discouraging.

The one thing that my partner had to make a real effort at was not adding coal to the fire. In other words, if your partner is in the midst of railing against his mother, try to respond in a way that validates his feelings but doesn't fan the flames because when that wave of anger passes, it's probably going to be followed up with a hefty dose of guilt for having felt angry at all and that can very easily get turned on you. It's the difference between "WOW your mother is such an effing crazy witch" and "Yeah, your mother can be difficult/emotional/irrational".

Good luck!