Have I finally found the answer?

[Aislin Ceawlin]

I am a 47 y.o. woman, and my partner of 6 1/2 years displays every trait of someone with BPD. My life with her has been so painful, and has damaged my relationship with my 21 year old son. Through many long conversations with my best friend who happens to be a therapist, I have come to believe that she (my partner) suffers from BPD. I feel so lost, and hurt most of the time. I never know what will "flip her switch". I really want out at this point, but am so worried about what will happen to her. She's on disability and would likely end up homeless. I'm so lost and don't know what to do.  :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

Hi Aislin! Welcome to bpdfamily.

You are in the right place. You will find a lot of people here that can relate to your story and provide you with insight. The best place to start is the Lessons that you will find on the right side of the forum. You can't change your partner but you can change how you react to her. I found it helpful to read the lessons and work on applying the tools found there when my partner would flip his lid or behave in ways that did not fit the situation.

Is there anything specific you want to ask about? I know when I found this place I didn't know where to start. Share as much of your story as you want and ask as many questions as you can. As you share, things might become more clear and it might help you get a better grip on the confusion that results from living with a person with BPD or BPD traits.

[babyducks]

Hi Aislin,

As Vortex said welcome to the family.   You've found a good place to post and read with people who truly understand the unique and difficult world of BPD.

When I got here I felt quite lost too,  I was incredibly confused about this whirlwind that seemed to have taken over my life.

The lessons on the right hand side of the page helped me a lot to understand the emotional storms that my partner was living through.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of your posts.

'ducks

[Stalwart]

Hey Aislin:

Really glad to see you found your way here but not so glad it's under these circumstances. There are real positives here though and one of them comes from learning the lessons.

Awareness of this from the dark and desperate misunderstanding of the past can be a real powerful thing Aislin. I'm sure you're feeling that. I guess what that is to you really defines what possibilities there are going forward.

So much in the past and so many possibilities in the future, either way is a lot to take on. I guess it really comes down to what you want in your future and why you want that. I was with my wife just a little longer than you were when I finally came to the startling realization of just what was wrong. I can hear and feel in your post you've got a past as I did and many here have.

I can only tell you that I decided to stay and if I was doing that it had to be a total commitment to put that dark past behind me and start a better future for both of us. I either dedicate myself to that task and accomplish it or fail in MY effort and leave it. Putting the past behind was difficult but it is possible if you can turn the tide and find even small rays of hope for the future being better.

There is so much to learn Aislin to really be able to understand the workings of your wife and how you can change yourself, your reactions and interactions to better meet her needs, without sacrificing your own morals or standards and bring better harmony. One thing for certain it may well be easier for you to turn the leaf and put your past behind you than it is for her to put your past relationship problems behind her. It's about somehow communicating the past as being just that and your want to be in a better future with her. If that's what you want and you want it enough and for reasons that drive you to do that.

Learning, building understanding, awareness and hopefully coming to a point of being able to empathize with her needs and fears is a big task and a double edged sword. There are times when better education and awareness can be detrimental if the information you learn is not positive and of a good quality.

You are here on the 'staying' board. Is that the commitment you've made to yourself now knowing the problems for some part and having a better awareness of the situation you're in?

Hoping to see you in the future Aislin and that the path you choose going forward you can make for yourself and for her is a better one that you've been travelling for the past 6 1/2 years my friend. "You can't stop the wind but you can readjust the sails."

Rick

[formflier]

Aislin Ceawlin,


I am so glad you have found us.  I also want to let you know how much I feel for you and the pain that you are experiencing in your life.   

My life with her has been so painful, and has damaged my relationship with my 21 year old son. 

A damaged relationship with a child is a troubling thing to experience.

bpdfamily can be part of a support system that can dramatically change your relationship (we use "r/s" on the boards for that) for the better.

I'm looking forward to reading your next post... .and helping you on your journey to a healthier place.

In your next post.  Can you describe an interaction with your S/O (significant other) that leads you to believe there are BPD traits?

Can you tell us more about how your r/s with your son has been strained?

 

FF

[Stalwart]

formflier:

Sorry, I don't like really centering someone out but hey man, you're so supportive, positive and awesome. I really enjoy and look forward to your responses to people.

Great work formflier.

[Aislin Ceawlin]

Omg, thank you all so very much for your kind and supportive responses.

I guess that as of now I am committing to the relationship, in the hopes of finding a way to work through it all.

Just an example of some of her behaviors that lead me to believe that it is BPD... .hmmm, so many. Her moods are absolutely terrifying at times. One moment she is happy and smiling, the next she is sobbing, wanting to die, threatening to commit suicide (I have threatened to call the authorities when she has done this, but then she looks at me with a sneer and says ":)on't you think I KNOW what to say when they get here to keep them from taking me?" Being a nurse of 25 years, I do know the guidelines that they must follow, and know that it would be futile. Her anger at things that are normal issues are so over the top, including screaming, threatening to break things, actually breaking things... .one day she was angry with me because I let my son borrow my car that she found my title and tore it to shreds.

My son is another issue. She behaves so jealously of him, I am not "allowed" to spend one on one time with him without her causing a huge scene. She initiates screaming matches with him over things that most people would probably just be aggravated by.

Just this past Thursday night, I returned from a 5 day visit with my best friend who lives in Dallas, (Detroit area here). She was insistent that I take this trip "because you deserve a break from me, and you've earned it". The entire time I was there, I was barraged with text messages from her, if I didn't respond immediately then I was ignoring her. If I responded with a quick message letting her know we were busy doing something, then I was being short with her.

She often expresses to me that I was "brought to her by God" because no one else understands her, and she constantly worries that I am going to abandon her. She also often states that she would die if I ever left her. My son and his girlfriend are to the point where they can't stand being around her because of the drama that is  so constant. Walking on eggshells is a term we have used for several years when describing what it is like to be around her. 

Her own family won't have much of anything to do with her because of her moods, behaviors and her past. She was a drug addict for many years (before I met her), but has been clean for 12 years now.

This is just a very small representation of my life with her. It has been so bad that I have found myself unable to even be intimate with her for the last 5 years. I have lied, telling her it is simply menopause and hormones. I feel terrible for lying, but I didn't realize what the real issue was until now. I have no idea how to approach her about this, as she becomes so angry that it frightens me if anyone suggests that it may, in fact, be an issue with her, and not necessarily the complete fault of others that is causing her to become so volatile.

I am desperate for help. I don't know what to do. It has impacted my mental health very negatively.  :'(

[Aislin Ceawlin]

I forgot to add that I spoke with the kids about this today, and explained that it was up to us at this point to become educated. I also sent her sister a short video about the disorder. Her sister has been one of my biggest support systems through the years, along with my best friend, (the therapist) without them, I think I would have lost my mind long ago.

[formflier]

 

Aislin Ceawlin,

Great follow up post!  This gives senior members some stuff to work on to point you in the right direction.

I'm convinced... .now more that ever... that the tools we have here will help you.

One thing to start thinking about.  Let's focus on a week or two of learning and understanding... .before you try to implement any of these changes.  Some of the changes need to be consistent... .will explain more later.

I'm so glad you are back!

FF

[babyducks]

Nice to see you back with us Aislin

I certainly saw a lot of things in your post that could have been describing my relationship with my SO.   Including the jealously of other people in my life and being given ultimatums when I shared my time and attention with them.

I remember, vividly,  how very difficult it was for me to feel trapped between the most important people in my life, who couldn't tolerate being in the same room together.   The level of emotionality was almost always through the roof, and no matter what I did, or didn't do, it was the wrong bloody thing.   

Thankfully it has gotten much better,   it's still not great but the high conflict mood swings have pretty much been gone for the last year and when one does appear I know, now, how not to get wrapped up in it.   

While everyone of our stories have a lot in common we are all still unique, and what I needed to do first was stop making it worse.   Which is the lesson over on the right hand side on the page >>       It was very important for me to take some time to step back and let the emotional temperature cool and regain some of my own thinking.   I thought I understood what kind of stress I was living under and honestly I didn't.   I wish I was more gentle and considerate of what I needed to take care of me.   What I focused on for a while was to not engage in the drama, if I couldn't extricate myself verbally, to get out physically.  And while that sounds simple it wasn't.  It took a lot of practice.

The other thing that I ran into some of, was that the BPD is an illness that comes with a stigma, even among mental health professionals.   I now tend to be very careful using the specific term BPD, and tend to use words like harmfully intense emotions, or high conflict personality which convey my meaning with out the negative label.

Keep coming back.   Post as much as you want.   Ask as many questions as you want.  Don't try to figure this all out at once.  Give yourself breaks and do something just for yourself for fun.  Walk the dog.   Ride a bike.  Whatever you like to do.   

'ducks


 

[bluejeans]

Hi Aislin, we have similar stories. I am glad you found this site. It is helping me and I hope it helps you too. I am currently driving my son back to college so I am away for a few days. My uBPDSO is so jealous of my two sons and it has been a huge problem. It's good for me to have some time to myself to sort things out and get some perspective. I checked in with her sister and she is good at reminding me that I don't need to get caught up in the drama.

[formflier]

Hi Aislin, we have similar stories. I am glad you found this site. It is helping me and I hope it helps you too. I am currently driving my son back to college so I am away for a few days. My uBPDSO is so jealous of my two sons and it has been a huge problem. It's good for me to have some time to myself to sort things out and get some perspective. I checked in with her sister and she is good at reminding me that I don't need to get caught up in the drama.

Bluejeans,

Might also be a good time to start a new topic on the issue of your partners jealousy ... .we might be able to guide you to some new tools.

FF