BPD Mother and Grieving my Lost Childhood

[oceaneyes]

Hi all, I'm new here.

Honestly don't know where to begin! I've been slowly coming to terms with the fact that my mother most likely has BPD or some sort of mental illness. She has told me that she's been diagnosed as bipolar and depressed—either way, I am suffering.

All my life I knew that the way we lived wasn't normal but I attributed it to being poor and living with an alcoholic step-father. The longer I've been on my own and been exposed to normal families the more I've realized that I did not have a normal childhood. I am grieving my lost childhood, but at the same time I feel extremely lucky to be as levelheaded as I am.

This past weekend (Easter weekend) I invited my mother to visit us. I have told her repeatedly that she has an open invitation and can visit whenever she wants but unless I explicitly invite her, she will not come. Anyways, we had a rather uneventful visit, a few small spats here and there but otherwise it was fine. I was relieved when she left, feeling like I "met my quota" and happy that it went well and there were no outbursts.

Throughout her visit, she kept commenting on and trying to smell my hair. I don't enjoy being touched, but I let it slide the first couple of times. Just before she was leaving she again tried to smell my hair. I tried to walk away to stand near my husband and she pulled my hair to stop me. I was shocked, she's never really been physical with me, so as a knee-jerk reaction I blurted out an obscenity (since I can't post what I said I want to clarify that I didn't call her a name I just said an obscenity as a reaction to the pain). I turned around and her eyes were glazed over. She looked like a deer in headlights. It was a very strange moment. I apologized and explained that she had pulled my hair and it spooked me, thus my response. The next few minutes were pretty normal, she loaded her stuff up to head out. She wasn't going to hug me so I asked for one, not because I wanted it but because I knew if I didn't that she would hold it against me later. Again, I don't really like being touched.

I really didn't think much of it, I figured she probably didn't like hearing me curse but that she would get over it. Boy was I wrong. About 5 hours after she left the attacks began. First she sent a nasty text message explaining that I didn't respect her and had "cut to the bone" with my comment. I didn't respond. Then she sent another one telling me that she was throwing my things away and for me to let her know if I wanted anything. I don't have anything at her house, we cleaned out my childhood room years ago. I gave myself a few hours to calm down before sending a neutral response, I basically said sorry wasn't directed at you so much as having my hair pulled and that I would have responded that way to anyone pulling my hair and that I didn't think I had anything at her house but that she could purge whatever she needed to to clean house. I also added that my husband and I enjoyed having her for the weekend and that we had already been talking about activities to do next time she visits. I put my phone on silent and went back to putting around the house, watching tv, etc.

I checked my phone later and she had tried to call and left a very very nasty voicemail in which she called me a "little b****" and told me that if I thought she had assaulted me that I should call the police and report it. By the end of the message she was screaming so loudly that I couldn't make out what she was saying. I let my husband hear it. I didn't respond. She sent another text "Waiting for the police to show up... ." I have not, and will not respond.

It's been two days now and I thankfully haven't heard anything else. My approach with her has always been to not engage and to set boundaries and really control how and when I see her. When we visit her we stay in a hotel, I avoid being around her by myself, I am not friends with her on Facebook, I live a safe distance away, etc. Her favorite button to push with me is to tell me that I should be evaluated for BPD myself... .such a loving thing to tell your child!

After this episode, I have decided to seek counseling. I'm really nervous about it. Worried that I'll spend the first few sessions just crying.

Whew, sorry for the long post and that's just about her most recent episode, though they've been much worse than that one. Anyways, I feel very isolated by all this, I'm an only child, I have no aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no living grandparents, and I'm estranged from my narcissistic father. My husband and his family are extremely supportive and I lean on my MIL a lot for support, most of the time I feel guilty for doing so, even though I know I shouldn't.

Hoping to find some support here as well!

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Oceaneyes! 

I think you've come to the right place. What a significant and traumatic event - though, like you said, it's only one in a long series of such events. I'm so sorry. Nobody can diagnose your mom at a distance, but her behaviors sound a lot like the behaviors of the family members that brought the rest of us looking for this site. 

After this episode, I have decided to seek counseling. I'm really nervous about it. Worried that I'll spend the first few sessions just crying.

Hey, just crying with a safe person for a few sessions might be a good thing. I really hope you can find someone who has experience with BPD or other personality disorders and can be a good healing resource for you. The time I've spent in counseling has been invaluable (not every counselor has been great, but overall, I recommend the process.)

[oceaneyes]

Thanks for responding. I've been reading through other posts all morning and it's so comforting to know that I'm not alone. I had purchased "Surviving a Borderline Parent" but put off reading it because I knew it would be hard. After this episode I dug in and read more than half of it yesterday and it was indeed hard but totally eye opening. It's amazing how things start to make sense—I found myself highlighting every other sentence. I always felt like I was a bad child for not wanting to be around my mother or that this was just how mothers are. So happy to find out that I was wrong.

[cleotokos]

Hi oceaneyes, welcome! You've come to a great community. I can tell you that when I found this place, I was at a very low point in my life and my relationship with my uBPDmom. The community here has helped me heal immensely and I'm sure it will do the same for you. It's very healing reading the experiences of others, and being amazed because you could have written them yourself, they are so like what you went through.

I really identify with the title of your post, "Grieving my Lost Childhood". I went through a point where I mourned the "ideal mother" that I had in my head, and it was very very difficult to let go of that dream and realize that it never would be. But being on the other side of that I am so much stronger today. Therapy has been wonderful for me too, and it's ok if you cry for a few sessions - therapists are quite used to this.