How long did your marriage last?

[mitatsu]

Very curious as have read many articles that say marriage is the 'End game' to pwBPD

My own experience is 4 years with S/O with many recycles (i never knew about Bpd but suspected Psychopath traits last year) but after 3 big quick recycles she asked me to marry her after i found out that in a previous seperation she had slept with a married man she had had a emotional affair with early in our R/S (but said she'd NEVER fancy or do anything with him... .ho hum) she even invited me to 'Hit her' when i found out about her sleeping with him (why would i want to do that?) and of course it was all his fault idea

so yep i felt flattered (blinkered and white knight) so agreed to marry it was a great day (Aug 9 2014) but within the first week it went downhill (kitchen sinking from her side) and got worse and worse (suicide threats... threats to cut us both into a 'meat sculpture' silent treatment rages over nothing) until i had enough and walked away on feb 19 2015 i went N/C but she kept pecking via text and FB pm my things were still at 'HER' house or the marital home as any Non would call it so i tried to contact through a mutual friend to collect stuff but she blackened them (they were actually friends of hers long before i met her and advised me to call police with the 'meat sculpture' incident and also when she threatened suicide but of course my saviour complex over rode that good advice and then i got the 'i miss you wont get over you i'm going to end it all' texts until i snapped and gave her what for via text one night... .but that did the trick and she has not bothered me since 

So what are your experiences folks?

[Pingo]

Hi mitatsu, sorry for what you have been through. And I agree with your friend, that meat sculpture thing is disturbing and a threat!

I was with my uBPDexh for 4 yrs total, married for 1. After the first couple of mths of marriage which were really great and a second honeymoon phase, things slid downhill fast. The problems that were always there got more intense. His possessive side really came out. I think bc we were married he figured he owned me! He invaded my privacy, always looking for clues of my betrayal I suppose. It was awful, I felt like I was being smothered. In the end I asked him to leave. We did recycle once and that was a big mistake. Smothering x100, so clingy! After 2 mths and a big fight where he tried to physically toss me out of the bed, I asked him to leave the final time.

There was zero contact for a few mths and then I tried to get some of my stuff back from him which was a futile effort... .then more NC until late November when he started trying to contact me, saying he still loved me, blah blah blah. Truthfully he scares the crap out of me!... .On December 1st he left a voice message on my work phone and that was it, I emailed him and threatened him with an RO if he contacted me again... .haven't heard a peep since!  It has been a long road to recovery, I fear him and this period of NC has helped me start to unwind and let some of that fear go. I'm not constantly looking over my shoulder.

[mitatsu]

Hey Pingo thanks for the reply  

and yeah the possessive jealous paranoid things ring true and the amplification of 'old issues' went up to 11 on the Amp of anger... i actually became more isolated and gave up going out etc just to please and re assure her but like many say nothing i did would of changed the splitting etc it's a fight very few can win or even hold a stalemate

and i agree with the fear thing even though i'm a very big strong guy she terrifies me as when she disassociates she remembers nothing... .hence the 'meat sculpture' thing

good luck on your recovery and may your dreams be colourful and beautiful  

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I never made it to marriage.  Things started to slip after I said, "I love you."  With each escalation of my committment to her she drifted farther away.  We were engaged for 9 months before she had a psychotic episode and fled.

  I found out later that she had secretly applied for Australian citizenship while she was planning a wedding with me.

  All the things that would have strengthened a bond in a healthy r/s just pushed her away.  Things were the best they had been (to my eyes) right before she nutted up, gave me a two week silent treatment and left in a supreme rage.  All together it lasted 25 months, living together that whole time.

[Spartacus]

I'm sorry to hear your experiences, Mitatsu.

My marriage lasted 7 weeks. I had ignored or rather thought we would overcome so many red flags. She had a major dysregulation on the night of the wedding, spent it on the bathroom floor, crying and rocking and the following weeks were full of angry moods, projections, bizarre behavior and a gaslighting event after week 3 involving the police which shook me from the FOG. She threatened me with divorce for being a minute late to collect her from the station, accused me several times of having an affair and of me wanting a divorce, said she had never felt cared for or loved by me, went through my phone, laptop and bags at night, accused me of treating her like an object whilst making love. I could see no future with her, certainly not a happy or healthy one so I left. Such a wrench to get out, emotions like I have never felt before, but I am proud that I found the strength.

I think marriage certainly was the end game in that her behavior escalated to an unsustainable extreme and I felt by the end that she had lost all respect for me. I do feel cheated and angry but I have to accept that she must be in so much turmoil and pain which is awful for her but something I realize I could not have helped or been a part of. A powerful life lesson.   

[Tyrwhitt]

I'm just divorcing after 20 years, together for 22.  And to be honest, if I hadn't felt 'pushed' by his behaviour, I would still be hanging in there.  But I've come to terms with a few things - firstly, that I'm a fixer and a rescuer and followed this path all our married life.  As chaos ensued, I chose the path of least resistance, smoothed it all over, believed in an almost childlike way that it was possible for him to be happy and then I would be happy.  The years passed.

One thing that I was told and I've come to realise is that a pwBPD has to run.  The need to run is so strong, it's consuming.  After all, running means that you'll reach a place of safety, and that place of safety will bring happiness, until the urge to run returns.  For me, he ran 6 weeks before we married, then he ran away on holidays to "sort himself out", now, it's the final run.  I'm still processing past, present and future, but I have to acknowledge that the 22 years together have taught me many lessons.  Now I have to adjust to not waiting for the next drama to unfold, it's very strange!

[wishfulthinking]

Dated from end of Oct to May 2013, Married May 2013.  Waiting on attorney to finish divorce and removal from residence papers today... .

[Ripped Heart]

Mitatsu, my exN/BPDw proposed to me within 3 weeks. We were married within 6 months and divorced after 2 years. The writing was on the wall from the very beginning.

When she proposed, I said yes because it didn't come across as a genuine proposal. We were just talking and she asked if she was the kind of person I would marry. Everything was a little too perfect and I told her she was. We talked about what our dream wedding would be and funnily enough, it was identical. Within an hour she had told friends and family we were engaged, I felt uncomfortable but at the same time didn't want to hurt her feelings and explain there was a misunderstanding.

Within a month, her and her mother had planned the entire wedding. Anything I objected to was usually hit with rage and how ungrateful I was because her parents had offered to pay for it. The planned wedding was nothing like what we talked about and the more involved I got, the more uneasy everything felt. Eventually I called it all off because it felt too intense and too rushed. That's when things went from bad to worse.

By the time the wedding came around, my only motivation to go through with it was the false belief that things would get better and return to "normal" if I showed her I was willing to do it. It was already too late, I'd activated her abandonment fears the moment I called everything off and things just got worse. Verbal, physical, emotional and mental abuse for the next 2 years until she finally found a replacement and hit me with a divorce. I think I caught her by surprise agreeing to it because she never expected me to leave.

Her parting words were that one day we would find each other again, get remarried and live happily ever after.

3 years on, she resurfaces every month, either with sweet words or nasty threats via email and 3 years now I've been NC. She finally gave me a break for 5 months last year but resurfaced just before Christmas. Thankfully she lives 3,500 miles away in another country otherwise I think she would turn up at my door.

[llor]

I was with my ex BPD Wife for about 6.5 years, was married for about 3.5 years. We have been separated since last July. I took alot of abuse and hits during the first few years of the relationship (I'm Military, used to deal with trouble and have the "I must be the Knight in Shining Armor syndrome all the time or no one will love me" So I tolerated alot more than I should've. At the beginning, everytime she would be mean I would talk back to her like she said and she would start crying which made me feel like the worse bag of cheetos so I turned into an emotional punching bag. But I think most of us have been there.

She did some behavioral therapy which helped things abit and she was on a regular cocktail of pils to threat her anxiety and depression, so those helped as well for a while. There was still some verbal abuse but overall I had gotten used to it. Thoughest think for me at that time was that she would freak out if I spoke to anyone about her conditions so I was taking it alone like a good little soldier, shielding family and friends from her issues. After 2 years of fights and push back, I cave in (It seemed logical) and asked her to marry me. I loved her too still back then so it didnt seem to bad. It had its up and down but we managed to keep going for a few years

It really went down in flames when we decided we wanted kids. She was big on Planning so she read that being on all her pils was too risky for a pregnancy so she gradually stopped taking the pils. Which really started affecting her mood badly. Coupled with that, after a few tests I found out I had serious fertility issues which made her reconsider our whole mariage. That brought me into a depressive suicidal state and rather than trying to reach down to me in a typical BPD she left me rot in my own hell and started looking on the outside, cheated on me, said I was a low-life with no ambition and no money, nothing was ever good enough to make her happy. Which was the final straw for me because I never minded being the "stable and strong one" in the relationship until that point where I needed her the most and she decided to "abandon" ship like a rat. thats where I realized we were not in a relationship but in a parasitic relationship where one was getting the good deal and the other one was there to be used and tossed out like garbage.

So we broke it off after 6.5 years. She went on an alcohol and drug fuel sex banter with I don't know how many guys until a few months ago she ended up alone and called me back crying that she made a mistake and wanted me back in her life. By then I had seen the light and it was way to late for that. I'd actually would rather shoot myself in the groin area with two white-hot six inches nails rather than come back with her. And I am dead serious. That women almost managed to kill me, which 2 tours in Afghanistan and a bunch of roadside bombs and angry Talibans could not do.

In insight when I read stories here, I really lasted long (Stupidity or Stubborness, I dont know). My biggest fear now is that since I will probably be her longest lasting relationship, I will never be completely free of her and she will latch on to me whenever she is alone. Which is too bad. Because, even if I dont love her anymore, have initiated NC (14 days now yeah :D ) I hope she will be happy. One day. As far, far , far away from me as possible

[llor]

3 years on, she resurfaces every month, either with sweet words or nasty threats via email and 3 years now I've been NC. She finally gave me a break for 5 months last year but resurfaced just before Christmas. Thankfully she lives 3,500 miles away in another country otherwise I think she would turn up at my door.

This is what I fear I will have to go thru too for the rest of my life.

[imstronghere2]

Married for 19.5 years, with her for 22.5.   At almost the 19 year mark, she started coming out with me again and what I thought was participating in my life with me again like we did when we were dating.  Little did I know it had nothing to do with me as I was just being used as a taxi driver to get her attention from men while we were out.  Unbeknownst to me she was on the prowl for a replacement and when she found one, she was "gone in 60 seconds".   LOL   She hit the big RESET button and abandoned everything (me, kids, pets, home) to start over with a new "Mr. Wonderful".   

That was in 2011.  It utterly destroyed me at that time but now, I'm SOO much better.  I've regained my life, my sense of self, my self esteem and my confidence.  You tend to loose all of that slowly over the time spent with them.  It's very subtle but very calculated and cunning.  I honestly don't care what (or who) she's doing now.  She ran off and married the SOB she was having her affair with and they moved a few states away which is REALLY nice.   I just hope they STAY there.