Threw away her love letter. Distraught.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

On the outside of the letter she wrote "Written with love  "

This was the last thing of hers I have. I threw away everything else, the pictures I had of her, I deleted her off of my phone, I deleted her phone number, I'm killing her memory.

I'm just so distraught. This was the last thing of hers I had. She wrote in it that she loves me very much, and that I could talk to her about anything.

But she lied. She didn't love me. And I really couldn't talk to her about anything.

So I threw it away. I am throwing away my hope. It's all going away.

February 6th was the last time I talked to her. That is when all my hope died. Now I'm just a shell, existing day by day, each day determined by how I feel about my ex. Each day I just go through the motions.

Although in my mind I know that she is never coming back, I know that I still pray for it.

If I had the chance, I would try it again. I understand because of legal threats, and ramifications, that I can not contact her. That doesn't mean I don't wish she'll contact me.

She's my girl. I can not stand to imagine anyone else ever with her. I love my abuser. I love my hater. I love the one who went after me, and my family.

I love someone who eliminated me from her life and is never looking back. I love a person who doesn't give a rat's ass about me anymore.

The fact is she won. She gets to go off and be happy and I get to live with this trauma. She gets to be with all of her new horse girl friends and be perfectly assured in her mind that I was a narcissistic abuser and that she did the right thing. There is no doubt in her mind. She is the victor, and I am the slain, the conquered. She is Caesar and I am Gaul.

I have to stop venting because this is just breaking me down.

I'm under a great deal of stress this week. I have to write a 2 page german essay, a lecture presentation in russian by tomorrow, and a 6 page paper about John Winthrop's "A Model of Christian Charity" by monday.


If she were to ever contact me, I would be recycled. I'm telling you all right now, there is no way at this point in time I could ignore it. And no number of stories about "oh my ex contacted me and it's so horrible!" is going to change my mind. I am envious of each and every single one of you. How about deafening silence? How about not a peep from the girl you love? How about not even a passing recognition from her that you even EXIST anymore? How about zero signs she even freaking thinks about you? Huh? And you tell me that "I shouldn't want contact." Well there's nothing else on this Earth except the health of myself and my mother that I want more than contact from my ex. And all you people who say otherwise, well right now I feel you're wrong.

I wish I had just never met her in the first place. I wish I never had gone through this.

I just want her back and the nightmare to be over with.

I'm the only person on this Earth who loves her so much, I am the only one who has taken the time to learn how to communicate with her, I am the only one who is willing to go through hell for her, to stand by her side, and I am the only one who can not talk to her. What kind of hell is my mind living in? How is this much pain over one silly little girl even possible?

How is it even possible for her to treat another human being this way? Let alone the one who loves her the most? The one who would go to the end of the Earth, just for her?

[Reecer1588]

On the outside of the letter she wrote "Written with love  "

This was the last thing of hers I have. I threw away everything else, the pictures I had of her, I deleted her off of my phone, I deleted her phone number, I'm killing her memory.

I'm just so distraught. This was the last thing of hers I had. She wrote in it that she loves me very much, and that I could talk to her about anything.

But she lied. She didn't love me. And I really couldn't talk to her about anything.

So I threw it away. I am throwing away my hope. It's all going away.

February 6th was the last time I talked to her. That is when all my hope died. Now I'm just a shell, existing day by day, each day determined by how I feel about my ex. Each day I just go through the motions.

Although in my mind I know that she is never coming back, I know that I still pray for it.

If I had the chance, I would try it again. I understand because of legal threats, and ramifications, that I can not contact her. That doesn't mean I don't wish she'll contact me.

She's my girl. I can not stand to imagine anyone else ever with her. I love my abuser. I love my hater. I love the one who went after me, and my family.

I love someone who eliminated me from her life and is never looking back. I love a person who doesn't give a rat's ass about me anymore.

The fact is she won. She gets to go off and be happy and I get to live with this trauma. She gets to be with all of her new horse girl friends and be perfectly assured in her mind that I was a narcissistic abuser and that she did the right thing. There is no doubt in her mind. She is the victor, and I am the slain, the conquered. She is Caesar and I am Gaul.

I have to stop venting because this is just breaking me down.

I'm under a great deal of stress this week. I have to write a 2 page german essay, a lecture presentation in russian by tomorrow, and a 6 page paper about John Winthrop's "A Model of Christian Charity" by monday.


If she were to ever contact me, I would be recycled. I'm telling you all right now, there is no way at this point in time I could ignore it. And no number of stories about "oh my ex contacted me and it's so horrible!" is going to change my mind. I am envious of each and every single one of you. How about deafening silence? How about not a peep from the girl you love? How about not even a passing recognition from her that you even EXIST anymore? How about zero signs she even freaking thinks about you? Huh? And you tell me that "I shouldn't want contact." Well there's nothing else on this Earth except the health of myself and my mother that I want more than contact from my ex. And all you people who say otherwise, well right now I feel you're wrong.

I wish I had just never met her in the first place. I wish I never had gone through this.

I just want her back and the nightmare to be over with.

I'm the only person on this Earth who loves her so much, I am the only one who has taken the time to learn how to communicate with her, I am the only one who is willing to go through hell for her, to stand by her side, and I am the only one who can not talk to her. What kind of hell is my mind living in? How is this much pain over one silly little girl even possible?

How is it even possible for her to treat another human being this way? Let alone the one who loves her the most? The one who would go to the end of the Earth, just for her?

[DyingLove]

WOW!  I had to look back to make sure this wasn't a post I wrote!  Feb 7th was the breakup date in my r/s.  The last time I spoke to her was on 3/15.  I can almost vouche for every single thing you wrote.  I've been getting rid of all her photos on my computer too.  I really don't give a crap that i am throwing away almost all her memories.  During the breakup i gave her all the cards and letters that we exchanged between us over the years.  She accidentally spilled water on them in an clumsy accident. She just took them all and Shi*canned them.  My heart broke further.  What a mean female.  BUT I can feel everything you have written.  I'm still N/C.  Feels horrible, but it's gotta be the right thing to do.  Hugs to you.

[Reecer1588]

WOW!  I had to look back to make sure this wasn't a post I wrote!  Feb 7th was the breakup date in my r/s.  The last time I spoke to her was on 3/15.  I can almost vouche for every single thing you wrote.

Even the bit about wanting contact from her? And seriously my post here resonates with how you feel that much? 

Feels horrible, but it's gotta be the right thing to do.

Part of me agrees with you, part of me hates you for saying that because that part of me would kill for even a simple hello text from her.

[FannyB]

Reecer

You're in a place where here many have been before you - a place where your head and your heart are not on the same page. You eloquently express your emotional pain and have comprehended that this girl is bad news for you - yet she has wormed her way so deeply into your psyche that your heart refuses to accept the inevitable. I suppose this is the same conundrum that drug addicts face as what you describe sounds very like addiction. A re-cycle might alleviate the pain temporarily, but if it does come please keep what she has done to you firmly in mind and use the 'toxic second chance' to better understand that she's all wrong for you and always will be. You've read the stories buddy - the odds against a happy ending are almost insurmountable.  :'(

[Maternus]

If she were to ever contact me, I would be recycled. I'm telling you all right now, there is no way at this point in time I could ignore it. And no number of stories about "oh my ex contacted me and it's so horrible!" is going to change my mind. I am envious of each and every single one of you.

If this is how you feel, than it is okay for you. There is now law that forbids to re-engage with a romantic ex-SO. Maybe things will turn out right for you and your ex - maybe not and it will be a mistake. But it's ok to make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up for being not perfect.  

[Reecer1588]

You eloquently express your emotional pain and have comprehended that this girl is bad news for you - yet she has wormed her way so deeply into your psyche that your heart refuses to accept the inevitable.

I dont know about eloquently... .I just feel like I am going in circles. Do not get me wrong, I feel better than I did in times past, but I still feel like I am just running around in circles.

Part of me feels like if I accept the inevitable than I have failed. I have given up on the girl I love and lost hope.

If it were my choice I would be on the staying board in a heartbeat.

But since she made the decision to eliminate me, I am just clinging on to try and re find any control I can muster.

I hope that I really am not alone in what I have described in my thread.

If this is how you feel, than it is okay for you. There is now law that forbids to re-engage with a romantic ex-SO.

I have no power in whether she will ever re engage me. I feel and am utterly powerless over the situation. But I do not want to sit on my hands, that is why I am in the grieving and detaching process.

[FannyB]

Part of me feels like if I accept the inevitable than I have failed. I have given up on the girl I love and lost hope.

I felt like that too. Then reality hit me.   The girl you/I fell in love with was sick. The one who has banished you/I from her life is just a different manifestation of that sickness. There is no miracle cure to get the original version back. It's a really tough concept to grasp when you feel so strongly and when this happens to you so young in life. But you will emerge a better, stronger person from all this in the future. Just keep talking it through and getting things off your chest and wait for time to work its magic... .

[Maternus]

I have no power in whether she will ever re engage me. I feel and am utterly powerless over the situation. But I do not want to sit on my hands, that is why I am in the grieving and detaching process.

I can relate to this. I felt powerless when I still had to deal with my uBPDex and every contact with her made me feel more powerless. The first rational thought I had when I was still in the the FOG (it was before I even suspected her to be a pwBPD) was: She still has power over me and this has to stop! After I found out about BPD, I looked at myself and saw the knobs she pushed to gain power over me. She was using the interface to my soul my father once installed. She was using his tactics too hook me up and pull my self esteem down. Which knobs did your ex push to leave you feeling so powerless?

[Reecer1588]

Which knobs did your ex push to leave you feeling so powerless?

Her incessant passive aggression and sabotage of my self confidence.

WITHHOLDING OF AFFECTION. This hurt me to the core. At the end, she would not let me show her any affection, and she would not show me any in return either. This hurt me like knives in my back.

Her perpetual victim attitude.

Her self righteousness at the end was to the point of absurdity. Just kept telling me that she did not have to justify herself to me. About anything.

Then just after the end the sadism of her statements really hit me. Statements like "Im glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life" "I am ___ING DONE WITH YOU" "I do not love you anymore" "I feel detached from you" "I am going to find someone else and I hope that you do too"

Just feeling like she had lost her mind.

I want her back so much. I want the sweet loving girl back. I miss her very much. I just feel like I am dying with every day she does not contact me.

I wish there were just a way to get past all of the BS and just make it clear in her mind that I deeply care about her and am on her side. I do not want to play more mind games. I want to break past all that crap in her mind and pierce her heart with love and caring. Tired of all these games.

[Maternus]

Hi Reecer,

which knobs did she push before she was withholding affection? What did she do, that you need her affection so much? How did she gain so much power over you? 

[Reecer1588]

Hi Reecer,

which knobs did she push before she was withholding affection? What did she do, that you need her affection so much? How did she gain so much power over you?  

She was devoted to me. Wanted me more than anyone else in the whole world. She knew I was looking for someone who was dedicated to me. She knew all of my deepest darkest secrets, I am a very loyal person, and she knew I was super loyal to her. I do not know what else to say, maternus, I am sorry.

Just what I wrote in the original post on this thread is how I really feel on the inside.

[Maternus]

She was devoted to me. Wanted me more than anyone else in the whole world. She knew I was looking for someone who was dedicated to me.

These are your vulnerabilities. You need someone, who is devoted to you. You need someone, who wants you more, than anyone else in the world. You need someone, who is dedicated to you. You need someone, who is validating you. You thought, you found this person - but in the end, you found someone who hurts you, who invalidates you. You found someone, who gave you, what you needed, very quickly and who withdraw all this in a blink of an eye. There is something you are missing in your life and you think that you can get it from another person.

Don't think, I want to judge you. All I write to you I write to myself. I have the same issues - and maybe I am projecting my issues on you. On the other hand you help me, to see my issues. It's a win-win situation.

I think the main reason, why we are all here, is that we are searching for something in a romantic relationship, that we can't find in ourselves. We all have the feeling that we lost a part of ourself, when our last relationship failed. We have a hard time to validate ourself and to be dedicated to ourself. And the answer to this problem is not, to find someone who does it for us - because another person can change their mind and leave us. We have to find it in ourself.

[Reecer1588]

And the answer to this problem is not, to find someone who does it for us - because another person can change their mind and leave us. We have to find it in ourself.

I pray that one day I will feel the same as you wrote here. For now my prayers are that she will come back to me. I'm too scared to let hope die.

thank you very much maternus, I know that I can be difficult to reason with when I am having a bad emotional day like today.


Reece

[cosmonaut]

Hey Reecer,

I'm really sorry for what you are going through.  I am in a similar situation, and I very much understand how much it hurts to have someone you love remove you from their life so unjustly.  You have every right to feel hurt and angry and lost about that.  It is a dizzying and crazy experience.  Let yourself feel all of those emotions, and give yourself permission to do so.  Anyone in our position would be just as upset and hurt.

I understand about getting rid of all of the memories of your ex.  It feels like they are with us all the time anyway, haunting us, that any physical reminders of her are sometimes overwhelming.  I still get triggered too sometimes.  Especially if I see a woman from the back that looks like her or otherwise think I see her out of the corner of my eye.  My heart leaps in my chest and I get cold in my stomach.  It's very hard and the emotion goes very, very deep.  You love this woman, and that's ok.  I believe she loved you too.  It may not seem like it, because she is so disordered and her behavior so destructive, but she meant all of those things she said in her letter.  At the time, it was perfectly real.  You did mean a lot to her.  Maybe more than anyone else she's ever met.  That would explain why she is cutting you off so completely - because it hurts too much.  I believe she is in deep pain too, it's just very repressed pain from a person who is a full-time professional at trying to suppress and distract themselves from their emotions.

Give yourself time.  There's no rush.  I know it feels so awful right now that the pain seems like it will kill you.  I remember that SO clearly.  I can tell you that it will subside.  The intensity will decrease and you will be able to function better.  Hang on to that.  I have been where you are, buddy, and I know it sucks.  It won't last forever, though.  Hang on to that faith.

[jhkbuzz]

I went in circles for MONTHS.  Ricocheting between desperately missing the lovely, sweet, funny, sexy woman I fell in love with - but then raging at the unfeeling, dishonest, unfaithful, emotionally detached woman who discarded me after I stood by her through hell and back.  I wouldn't wish those months on my worst enemy.

I don't think there was any way to shorten that ^ process, but this is what I realized by the end of it:  the woman I fell in love with never really existed.  In the beginning she became the woman she thought I wanted her to be in order to foster our intimacy and attachment... .but over time the facade crumbled and the disorder came roaring out, full force.  And EVERYTHING I saw in her - the sweetness and the coldness, the lovely and the dishonest, the funny and the detached - it was ALL her, with some of it hidden 'out of sight' for a while.  All one person, all one package.

In my calmer moments, I realize I still love her - but I also realize that she was abusive. I sometimes still worry about her - but I'm worried and concerned about myself even more.  And inviting her back into my life would feed the fires of what turned into a very, very dysfunctional relationship.  I can't take part in that anymore - and not just for me.  For her, too.  Recycling would be incredibly damaging for the both of us.

[once removed]

":)o not get me wrong, I feel better than I did in times past, but I still feel like I am just running around in circles."

you may not be running in circles, but your words are. let me explain what i mean. venting can be helpful until it isnt. reread your original post. take the very beginning of the post until "i know that i still pray for it". cut out everything that follows and it reads like a completely different post. the tone starts to shift beginning with "if i had the chance". from there is a half dozen or so lines of different approaches that seem to be torturing yourself, turning anger inward, and a lot of black and white thinking ("She is the victor, and I am the slain, the conquered. She is Caesar and I am Gaul."

"I have to stop venting because this is just breaking me down." this is a turning point in the post. for a moment, you begin to shift your focus back onto you and your busy schedule. but then you go right back to it.

look at the ten beliefs that get us stuck again.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

now review your original post one more time. theyre your words, and theyre personal, but try to be as detached from them as you can. cold, analytical, clinical. which of the ten beliefs do you think youre expressing? i think i see expressions of several.

""I have to stop venting because this is just breaking me down."

you dont have to stop venting, but i think you should learn to recognize when and where you drift into these beliefs, that they keep you stuck, and that perhaps that is a good time to walk away from venting, get up and do something else. like i said, venting is helpful until its not. at a certain point in this post, it became not helpful, and harmful.

[Reecer1588]

Thank you, once_removed for your correct analysis.

I think I'm just going to surrender to the pain tonight. Just let go. I understand that no one here, myself included, can bring her back to me.

She is all I want in this world.

I know I can not project that she is happy, but I do not understand how she can be anything but happy.

Thank you all for reading my post here and giving me your thoughtful responses.

But tonight I'm not going to fight it.

[Reecer1588]

My empire for a text message. My left leg and my right arm for any form of contact.

all of my money for the pain to be over.

[Pingo]

Thank you, once_removed for your correct analysis.

I think I'm just going to surrender to the pain tonight. Just let go. I understand that no one here, myself included, can bring her back to me.

She is all I want in this world.

I know I can not project that she is happy, but I do not understand how she can be anything but happy.

Thank you all for reading my post here and giving me your thoughtful responses.

But tonight I'm not going to fight it.

Reecer, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are honest with your feelings and I admire that. And I think you are on the right track in surrendering to your heartache. Allow yourself to feel it, it won't last forever even though it seems like it will.  When we allow ourselves our grief, we can then move through it and eventually find that it isn't so all-consuming.  Feelings are temporary and will change over time.

When I ended my marriage with my uBPDexh it felt like I was cutting off my arm to save myself. It was wretched and painful.  The sadness and loss was overwhelming.  I didn't know how I would ever get through it. Well I will tell you how I got through it. One day at a time. Moment to moment. You know that other thread about pwBPD saying 'you are the love of my life'?... .that was me. I said that often to him, that he was the love of my life. I loved him deeply with all my heart. But I had to accept that the intensity of my love for him couldn't save our r/s. I had to accept that he was never going to be the fantasy I fell in love with. I had to let him go. I had to save me.

I'm almost 10 mths out now and I can tell you that the intensity lessens bit by bit until you are left with some reminiscing and some sadness but most of the day is spent thinking about the future and happy things to come. Focus inward Reecer. Who are you outside of the attachment you feel for your ex? How are you taking care of yourself right now?  What one thing can you do today for you that is nurturing and healing? Hang in there Reecer, you will get through this. It won't always be this hard. 

[DyingLove]

WOW!  I had to look back to make sure this wasn't a post I wrote!  Feb 7th was the breakup date in my r/s.  The last time I spoke to her was on 3/15.  I can almost vouche for every single thing you wrote.

Even the bit about wanting contact from her? And seriously my post here resonates with how you feel that much? 

Feels horrible, but it's gotta be the right thing to do.

Part of me agrees with you, part of me hates you for saying that because that part of me would kill for even a simple hello text from her.

Reecer, yes I meant every word I wrote.  I miss my ex to DEATH also... .but I know what the correct thing for me to do is.  She's not crying like I am... .all the tears in the world aren't gonna do any good... .she'll just always be who she is because she chooses to do so.  I watched a video of her yesterday earlier on in the r/s and she was nearly 100% different at the time we ended.  Hate me if you want... .I understand where you are coming from... .If she knocked on my door and said I'm still in love with you and I'll change all my ways and I want to be with you forever... .my head would explode!  Of course to think that she might have been with someone else in the mean time would make me puke.  So many feelings to get over... .but it's happening. Baby steps.

[DyingLove]

I went in circles for MONTHS.  Ricocheting between desperately missing the lovely, sweet, funny, sexy woman I fell in love with - but then raging at the unfeeling, dishonest, unfaithful, emotionally detached woman who discarded me after I stood by her through hell and back.  I wouldn't wish those months on my worst enemy.

I don't think there was any way to shorten that ^ process, but this is what I realized by the end of it:  the woman I fell in love with never really existed.  In the beginning she became the woman she thought I wanted her to be in order to foster our intimacy and attachment... .but over time the facade crumbled and the disorder came roaring out, full force.  And EVERYTHING I saw in her - the sweetness and the coldness, the lovely and the dishonest, the funny and the detached - it was ALL her, with some of it hidden 'out of sight' for a while.  All one person, all one package.

In my calmer moments, I realize I still love her - but I also realize that she was abusive. I sometimes still worry about her - but I'm worried and concerned about myself even more.  And inviting her back into my life would feed the fires of what turned into a very, very dysfunctional relationship.  I can't take part in that anymore - and not just for me.  For her, too.  Recycling would be incredibly damaging for the both of us.

AMEN AMEN AMEN!