Bpd vs Npd

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi! I've posted on and off here for years. I made the choice to have very little contact with my mother. No phone calls, only texts once in a while and I see her maybe once to twice a month(usually only holidays or when she asks to see my children) I have been doing this for almost a year now and it's been wonderful, however, now that I am detached from her I see everything differently and after our last visit I looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and was blown away! I've noticed lots of you describe your BPD as also having npd but I never bothered to look into it. Reason being, she hates herself, how could she be a narcissist? I never put it together that Everything, still to this day with hardly any contact with her, is ALL about her. It's always been this way. She is 100% narcissist. My husband has always been baffled by her outward jealousy towards me. Telling me I shouldn't have a nice house/vehicle at such a young age because she didn't. Comparing everything! She would destroy/forbid me to have relationships when I was a kid with anyone other than her and then brag about how popular she was when she was my age. She made fun of me like a bully. To this day she tells me and everyone we know how "wierd" I was. She would try to embarrass me in front of my anyone she could. My WHOLE CHILDHOOD was all about her, talking to her like a therapist! She would lie about my brother and I and talk about how bad we were. Anytime we called her out on any abuse she would lie or act as though it was nothing because HER abuse as a child was much worse. I got away from her for a while but in 2007,when I was 19, my brother committed suicide and I then spent YEARS of my life being her therapist yet again. My brothers suicide is all about her and how she's a grieving mother. Everything I did all those years are absolutely nothing to her now, she doesn't even acknowledge any of it and sees me as a drain on HER! Even though she's never physically or emotionally been there for me she acts exhausted by me. I've been on my own(with my husband) financially since 18. All 3 of my pregnancies were about her. She told me never to have more children because SHE couldn't handle another pregnancy(she never helped me!) She can't keep a job and she claims it's because she's a "grandma" to people, even though I won't even allow her to be alone with my children at this point. I always struggled with having no voice, not knowing who I was, not fitting in, hating myself. I've felt like a socially awkward nobody for as long as I can remember. It's because that's what she wanted me to be, what she told me I was. It's no wonder I'm almost 30 and still haven't figured out who I am. I still have this sense of being unfit and lost in this world, and not knowing why... .ITS OBVIOUS... .the first 25 years of my life were all about HER! I stumbled upon a site called daughtersofnarcissisticmother.com this quote about engulfing mother's made me well up with tears. Tears of sadness and get tears of relief that I'm not just crazy:

'The Engulfing Mother says, in effect: “There is no you. You do not exist. You are not a real person. You are just a bit of me walking around separately.” And can there possibly be a worse abuse than that, to totally negate another’s existence? I cannot think of one.'

Anyone else relate? I'm at the point, I've realized, that I'm tired of focusing my energy on HER and HER illness. I just want to heal this broken part of me. I want to break the cycle and be happy, for myself, and my kids. How do I find MYSELF is the million dollar question!

[lm1109]

Hi! I've posted on and off here for years. I made the choice to have very little contact with my mother. No phone calls, only texts once in a while and I see her maybe once to twice a month(usually only holidays or when she asks to see my children) I have been doing this for almost a year now and it's been wonderful, however, now that I am detached from her I see everything differently and after our last visit I looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and was blown away! I've noticed lots of you describe your BPD as also having npd but I never bothered to look into it. Reason being, she hates herself, how could she be a narcissist? I never put it together that Everything, still to this day with hardly any contact with her, is ALL about her. It's always been this way. She is 100% narcissist. My husband has always been baffled by her outward jealousy towards me. Telling me I shouldn't have a nice house/vehicle at such a young age because she didn't. Comparing everything! She would destroy/forbid me to have relationships when I was a kid with anyone other than her and then brag about how popular she was when she was my age. She made fun of me like a bully. To this day she tells me and everyone we know how "wierd" I was. She would try to embarrass me in front of my anyone she could. My WHOLE CHILDHOOD was all about her, talking to her like a therapist! She would lie about my brother and I and talk about how bad we were. Anytime we called her out on any abuse she would lie or act as though it was nothing because HER abuse as a child was much worse. I got away from her for a while but in 2007,when I was 19, my brother committed suicide and I then spent YEARS of my life being her therapist yet again. My brothers suicide is all about her and how she's a grieving mother. Everything I did all those years are absolutely nothing to her now, she doesn't even acknowledge any of it and sees me as a drain on HER! Even though she's never physically or emotionally been there for me she acts exhausted by me. I've been on my own(with my husband) financially since 18. All 3 of my pregnancies were about her. She told me never to have more children because SHE couldn't handle another pregnancy(she never helped me!) She can't keep a job and she claims it's because she's a "grandma" to people, even though I won't even allow her to be alone with my children at this point. I always struggled with having no voice, not knowing who I was, not fitting in, hating myself. I've felt like a socially awkward nobody for as long as I can remember. It's because that's what she wanted me to be, what she told me I was. It's no wonder I'm almost 30 and still haven't figured out who I am. I still have this sense of being unfit and lost in this world, and not knowing why... .ITS OBVIOUS... .the first 25 years of my life were all about HER! I stumbled upon a site called daughtersofnarcissisticmother.com this quote about engulfing mother's made me well up with tears. Tears of sadness and get tears of relief that I'm not just crazy:

'The Engulfing Mother says, in effect: “There is no you. You do not exist. You are not a real person. You are just a bit of me walking around separately.” And can there possibly be a worse abuse than that, to totally negate another’s existence? I cannot think of one.'

Anyone else relate? I'm at the point, I've realized, that I'm tired of focusing my energy on HER and HER illness. I just want to heal this broken part of me. I want to break the cycle and be happy, for myself, and my kids. How do I find MYSELF is the million dollar question!

[clljhns]

  lm1109,

Telling me I shouldn't have a nice house/vehicle at such a young age because she didn't. Comparing everything! She would destroy/forbid me to have relationships when I was a kid with anyone other than her and then brag about how popular she was when she was my age. She made fun of me like a bully.

Could it be that mom was so insecure about herself that she didn't want to achieve more than her, thereby making her feel bad about herself? My mom also compared her life to mine and my oldest sister's. She definitely was all about control, and she was jealous of our accomplishments. I attribute this to the fact that she did not achieve what she wanted to in her life.

“There is no you. You do not exist. You are not a real person. You are just a bit of me walking around separately.” And can there possibly be a worse abuse than that, to totally negate another’s existence?

This is certainly abusive to deny the needs of your child, and to not value them as an individual. BPD's are also known for this behavior as it is difficult for them to recognize the needs of others. I don't have an answer for you as to whether your mom is BPD or NPD. Have you spoken to a professional about this?

I'm tired of focusing my energy on HER and HER illness. I just want to heal this broken part of me. I want to break the cycle and be happy, for myself, and my kids. How do I find MYSELF is the million dollar question!

Good for you! This is a very healthy statement and question! Have you considered talking with a T to begin your journey of healing? Have you read any of the articles or workshops on healing from a BPD parent? I am including a link to a workshop on the subject: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307#msg1064893.  Let us know what you think about the articles in the workshop.

I am glad that you are here and ready to take the next step in your healing. 

All the best!

[Leelou]

Wow, what an amazing person you are to have a built a life after so much.  You are doing the right thing, being strong, keep it up.  Here is a big hug  , just for you - read it through the tears.  Sometimes we just need a hug to know you are ok, why?  Why?  Why?  It just is.  Can we explain their actions?  Nope?  Please message to know you are OK.  I get exactly the same message from people, when I am upset... .ah you have a bad back, my spine is paralysed!  I really can imagine your frustration, no one "gets it", no one helps you when you are low, but I bet you read this maybe tomorrow, maybe some day and smile  , you are a survivor, I recognise that in you.  (Currently in a tail spin about BPD sis, but... .don't want to sound TOO preachy!  Hard this life of reasonableness, hmmm, says Yoda) keep it up girl x