Separating temporarily for now

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After years of rages, I have had enough.  My husband is heading into therapy but after my own counseling over the past 4 months, I realize that I need to take care of myself and heal and I can't do that with the overwhelming feeling of anxiety hanging over every day, waiting for the next dysregulation.  So we've decided to take at least a few months during which I get a chance to heal and work on getting stronger myself and he works on his issues.  In order to keep things stable for our daughter who is still in the home, I came up with the idea of renting a room elsewhere (we can't afford to keep our mortgage and home expenses and get and furnish a small apartment) and take turns on a weekly basis.  So one of us will stay there for about a week and the other stays in our home with our daughter and then we'll switch.  I was lucky enough to find a room for rent that the owner agrees to the odd situation of us taking turns there. It was suggested to me that I need to protect myself by having an agreement signed by him saying that neither of us is abandoning the home and that we are also doing this to hopefully heal enough to come together under the same roof again.  I've also included in the agreement that we continue paying the same expenses around the home that we have been (I pay mortgage and strata and he pays utilities... yes, I make more) and that we are splitting the cost of the room for rent.  Anything else I should include in the agreement?

[Michelle27]

After years of rages, I have had enough.  My husband is heading into therapy but after my own counseling over the past 4 months, I realize that I need to take care of myself and heal and I can't do that with the overwhelming feeling of anxiety hanging over every day, waiting for the next dysregulation.  So we've decided to take at least a few months during which I get a chance to heal and work on getting stronger myself and he works on his issues.  In order to keep things stable for our daughter who is still in the home, I came up with the idea of renting a room elsewhere (we can't afford to keep our mortgage and home expenses and get and furnish a small apartment) and take turns on a weekly basis.  So one of us will stay there for about a week and the other stays in our home with our daughter and then we'll switch.  I was lucky enough to find a room for rent that the owner agrees to the odd situation of us taking turns there. It was suggested to me that I need to protect myself by having an agreement signed by him saying that neither of us is abandoning the home and that we are also doing this to hopefully heal enough to come together under the same roof again.  I've also included in the agreement that we continue paying the same expenses around the home that we have been (I pay mortgage and strata and he pays utilities... yes, I make more) and that we are splitting the cost of the room for rent.  Anything else I should include in the agreement?

[livednlearned]

Hi Michelle27,

That's good that your H has agreed to therapy, and that you are practicing self-care. It sounds like you are working out a therapeutic separation?

It's probably a good idea to run your situation by a lawyer (if you haven't already). Many lawyers will do a 30 min or hour-long consultation -- you don't have to retain them, just ask questions about your situation and raise any concerns you might have, as well as hear them out about potential issues (like the one re: abandoning the marital home). In some states, the cost of these consultations can be free, although more realistically they'll run you 100-300 an hour depending on where you live.

Once you have kids, and once your marriage begins to stumble and separation is on the table (even though you plan to stay), there are a handful of laws that are good to know about in the event things fall apart. Not that they inevitably will, but if you are feeling beaten down by the marriage, the court will assume that your daughter is experiencing stress too, and you want to make sure your choices reflect the decisions of someone who has her best interests in mind.

[rarsweet]

I would make sure it spells out exactly what days and times you are in the home and the room. Another thing I have always been conserned about when I read this situation is privacy. Is he going to go through your stuff at each place? If you have say a book you don't want him to see what will you do? I guess I would feel like I didn't have my own safe space in this situation. Also worst case scenerio who else will be trapsing through your space?

[Michelle27]

Thank you both.  Right now, I don't think a lawyer is necessary but I will do some digging to make sure.

Privacy was a thought I had as well. but not for the reasons you might think.  I have nothing of interest to him that I would need to "hide" from him.  Up until 2 weeks ago, we lived in the same house.  My only worry is that part of the symptoms of his illness is once in awhile he gets very paranoid about what I'm up to or who I'm with.  He has been known to check up on whether I'm at the friend's place I told him I was going to and once at work.  Not to mention trying to get into my phone and laptop which I keep locked because I truly believe my conversations online with my friends are personal. And yes, every time I have been where I said I was. LOL  Calling attention to it (and him telling his men's group about it) did make him really see that his paranoia was getting the better of him and he said he'd stop, which I believe he did, at least the checking on my whereabouts. I do think he'll question the other occupants in the house where the room is about my comings and goings, but I am sure he will be shut down fast as that's ridiculous.  Not to mention that I won't be doing anything "wrong".