Confused

[Depression = 72% of members]

My partner of 3 years has this silent treatment behaviour. At first after a small disagreement he would storm off and not contact me for a few days which drove me crazy as i wanted to move on... The next time he ignored me for 6 months and put me into a bad depressed star which I take medication for now. Then he finally contacted me and slowly on my terms we got back together and things have been brilliant until last week it happened again  and I have refused to contact him this time but left him a message if he needs a chat I'm here for him... He is going through stress of a nursing degree and his dad us terminal with cancer... but all I want to do is be there for him but I'm afraid to pester him... I'm not sure what to do anymore?

[LeaWhin]

My partner of 3 years has this silent treatment behaviour. At first after a small disagreement he would storm off and not contact me for a few days which drove me crazy as i wanted to move on... The next time he ignored me for 6 months and put me into a bad depressed star which I take medication for now. Then he finally contacted me and slowly on my terms we got back together and things have been brilliant until last week it happened again  and I have refused to contact him this time but left him a message if he needs a chat I'm here for him... He is going through stress of a nursing degree and his dad us terminal with cancer... but all I want to do is be there for him but I'm afraid to pester him... I'm not sure what to do anymore?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rg1976]

Hi LeaWhin,

First, welcome to the forum.

This kind of push/pull behavior is quite common in someone with a personality disorder and I know first hand how much it hurts.

I know you want to be a source of support for him, so all you can do is offer. I wouldn't worry too much about pestering him. He's free to interact with you or ignore you as he chooses, so, let him know you are there and then let him reach out to you if he needs. However, be prepared for the inevitable push again when he decides he doesn't want to interact anymore.

Remember, this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. Your feelings aren't likely to even register with him.

I know this doesn't sound very encouraging. I wish I had a better suggestion, but ultimately, in such situations it is our responsibility to protect ourselves.

I wish you the best,

Rg

[LeaWhin]

Thanks as it is very new to me and only by flook I found this site as I used to blame myself but the more it happens I know I do nothing. We don't live together so I've told him if he wants me he knows what to do ... .but I hate this waiting game  my family think I'm mad but when I'm with him we get on the best and he always show affection and love but then this happens ... do I just wait ? Or text again

[Restored2]

I welcome you along with rg1976 to this very supportive family, LeaWhin.  We can all relate on various levels to the challenges of dealing with someone who has BPD.

Silent treatment behaviour is actually mistreatment and abuse, which greatly contributed to you going into a bad depression.  rg1976 provides good sound advice to you.  Pull and push dynamics are classic BPD behaviour.  

Your message that you left him should be sufficient enough for him to respond back to you.  The ball is pretty much in his court now. 

I would encourage you to learn all that you can about this disorder and what you could be signing up to long term if you choose to continue on in this relationship.  

[despr8]

Hi Confused, I have been married for 15 years and the emotional rollercoaster ride is frustrating and sickening... .I know how you feel ... .if you need to share more I would be glad to share more of my life with  my BPD wife... .

I hope and pray your situation gets better... .Good Luck, Despr8

[LeaWhin]

Thank u all so much... I sent him a message last night it read... just dropping by to say hi and I hoped that his dad was ok and everyone else... if he wanted a chat he knows where I am... .again nothing back ... so frustrating and sad as i just want to support him and be there for him.

[Restored2]

You're welcome, LeaWhin.  It is a frustrating and sad turn of events indeed.  I encourage you to not sit around waiting for him to respond, as this will only disempower you and empower him more.  It's time to protect and take care of yourself here.