Hi Simbou44,
I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. Please go to see a Therapist or doctor urgently and speak to a trusted friend or wily member urgently. You can not do this on your own, it's too big a thing and its affecting you badly. Once you have seen a health
Care professional then you can speak to a teacher at school and get some extra support. There are always options.
Keep posting. We are here for you
^^ See a therapist, it's amazing the clarity it can provide. I was having suicidal thoughts, thinking I had lost the best thing that ever happened to me, only through therapy did I realize how unhealthy my relationship was and how I was essentially abused.