My first post

[understandnow]

I'm new to this sight and in need of some help to have some type of healthy relationship with my Dil and son.  She has alienated me from my 3 grandchildren ( have relationship with my one grandchild because her mom and I have always had a good relationship.  After reading and researching BPD I'm sure she shows traits as does my son who has been unhappily married to her for 7 years.  She has alienated my husband and I from seeing her children because she feels we show favoritism to my sons first child from a previous relationship. My son was not involved in my granddaughters life for the first 8 years of her life.  We we're co parenting her for 8 years and she is very attached to us.  She even lived with us for 6 weeks during which time her mother could not take care of her.  When my son became involved in my granddaughters life, she lived with him andmy Dil for 1 and half years and which time was taken away due to verbal abuse according to my granddaughter after an angry child custody case with my son and her mom.  :)uring the time when my grand daughter was with my son, there was no or little contact with any of my grandchildren.  My granddaughter told me that my son and Dil told her if she went to live with her mom, she would never see me or my husband again.  

My son has agreed to let me see the granhildren when his wife goes back to work behind his wife's back, which I feel very uncomfortable with.  ( she is on maternity leave.). My son says she is "crazy".

My husband and have set boundaries with her and my son and she continually crosses them.  She becomes verbally abusive and sends texts using the kids as pawns.  She becomes upset whenever she hears or knows that we see our other granddaughter.  They have bullied my granddaughter and told her she was not allowed to go with us without the other grandchildren and we cannot see the other grandchildren.  

My husband is retired from the military 40 years and has been deployed on many occasions.  I am a 33 yr NICU nurse.  We volunteer for kids camp for military children every summer and background checks are a must.  We NEVER abused any of our 4 children and grandchildren under any circumstances.  We have ALWAYS been respectful to her and never have raised our voices to them.  Her accusations are unfounded and not dealing in reality.  

After researching some of these traits of BPD I understand her more now. But I still would like to see my grandchildren without going behind her back.

[clljhns]

  understandnow,

I am so sorry to hear about the situation with your son, DIL, and grandchildren. I can't imagine how painful this must be for you and your h, given that you raised the granddaughter for several years. I don't have grandchildren yet, but can't wait (my daughter is 28)! I look forward to all of the things I will do with my grandchildren. My heart just breaks for you both.   I don't have an answer for you, but I do have some thoughts on the problem.

Your son has stated that wife is crazy and DIL has made it clear that she doesn't want you or your h to see the children. If your son is willing to allow you both to see the children behind DIL's back, then would he consider telling wife that he will take the kids for a visit, she does not have to attend? I know this will probably result in more angry outbursts from DIL, but it might also clear the way for you to see the grandkids.

I am so sorry that I can't offer more to you, but know that we understand here and will listen. 

[understandnow]

Does anyone have any ideas of how to move forward.  Long story short, my Dil (against my son's wishes has alienated my grandchildren because she feels we do not take them separately and accuses us of favoritism with my oldest grandchild who is from my son's previous relationship.  My son totally disagrees with her and doesn't feel that we show favoritism.  We have a good relationship with my oldest granddaughter because my son's ex allows and encourages us.  Whenever we try to be involved with her children, she denies and attakcks me for being involved with my oldest grandchild and tells us we can not have them.   I coparented my granddaughter with her mom for the first 8 yrs of her life while my Dil and my son had no relationship with her.  I have never disrespected her and welcomed her into our home always.  She has sent me numeous ranting textes every time she found that I saw my oldest granddaughter. She is married to my son, who clearly cannot set his boundaries.  We have set ours and she cannot accept them and frequently crosses them.  She wants an apology from me before we can move on, but refuses to discuss this with me.  I have walked on eggshells with her for 8 years and avoided arguments.  It has just gotten progressively worse and now she totally alienated us.  I don't know how to repair this.  I cannot love my oldest granddaughter any less or love my other three grandchildren any more than possible and told her that. 

[Suzn]

Hello understandnow

Welcome to bpdfamily.com. I'm sorry you are going through all of this with your DiL and your son. Not being allowed to see your grandchildren is a painful situation to be in.    Many members here have been in the exact position.

There are communication skills necessary in order to have a more successful relationship with your son's wife. We have many lessons, articles and videos that will help. This one gives a good overview to get you started.

Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

Here's an article that will also be helpful.

Article 4: Take the First Step Toward Improving Your Relationship

I understand your reluctance in wanting to go behind your DiL's back and see the kids, this is wise on your part. Unfortunately it could be fuel for a future fire.

I'm very glad you found us. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story.

Welcome to our family  

[understandnow]

Well today had my family for brunch.  My son, who's wife has alienated us from my grandchildren, walked in by himself.  He became very emotional and stated he wanted to bring the kids but his wife refused to let him.  Very sad and controlling.  I just said to him that hopefully she will in the future.  He said my 6 yr old granddaughter was crying and wanted to see Mommom and

I'm not sure how to support my son through all of this because he is a very family oriented person.  There were three generations of family there today including our 94 yr old mom. 

His wife has alienated us for something that was not founded in reality but I know she really feels like she has valid reasons.  My husband and I feel we will not be held hostage to our grandchildren but it's my son and grandchildren that are suffering.  How can I best support my son who is stuck in the middle.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry this is so painful understandnow.    I'm sure this situation pulled on heart strings for you. It's hard to watch when our loved ones suffer.

My husband and I feel we will not be held hostage to our grandchildren but it's my son and grandchildren that are suffering.  How can I best support my son who is stuck in the middle.

I would encourage you to send your son our way. This site would be helpful for him. There are communication skills one needs to master when in a relationship with a person with BPD.

For you, have you had time to read through the links I've shared? This information will be helpful so that you can become educated about your both your son and DIL's struggle. I also want to share a link about triangulation and how easy it is to become part of a dysfunctional triangle. They are not helpful, they can keep people stuck in roles that are unhealthy.

PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle

Please feel free to ask any questions you have. Keep posting, it helps.

[understandnow]

I am thankful to all the info that was given to me to understand a high conflict person.  I especially liked the info on triangulation.  I certainly go into the gate with a rescue state of mind and become the victim on occasion.  My Dil is definetly the persecutor.  I have learned many ways to respond.  Now to practice.  My son brought the kids over without his wife's knowledge today and my 6 yr old granddaughter was so excited to see my husband and I.  She did say that "she couldn't tell mommy because mommy was mad at me". I just told her that I was sorry she was mad and that I am not mad at her.  Hope I said the right thing to her.  Any advice how to deal with this.  My son has some BPD traits and I think he told my granddaughter not to tell her mom.  a small child should not be pulled into adult issues.  I am thinking about using my new skills SET and contacting my Dil but can't get myself to do it to because it will open up more drama. 

[clljhns]

HI understand now,

My son brought the kids over without his wife's knowledge today and my 6 yr old granddaughter was so excited to see my husband and I.

I am so happy that you were able to spend time with your granddaughter. I wish you many more happy times with her!

  She did say that "she couldn't tell mommy because mommy was mad at me". I just told her that I was sorry she was mad and that I am not mad at her.

Good for you! I know how difficult this must be for you, but you handled that beautifully!

  I am thinking about using my new skills SET and contacting my Dil but can't get myself to do it to because it will open up more drama. 

I am so glad that you have found the communication tools here helpful. Keep using them, as they can benefit you in so many situations. Have you considered sending a letter to DIL using these communication tools? Do you have any expectations about outcome of this communication with DIL?

Wishing you all the best. 

[swampped]

Dear Understandnow:  Welcome!  I certainly can identify with your story, as our exdil is very skilled at using our gd6 as a carrot in her eternal attempts to extract more money from us.  Unfortunately our ds35 is mildly intellectually disabled, and when we do not comply, she puts the squeeze on him, and he gives more and more of his very limited paycheck, neglecting other bills and we end up paying one way or another.  But that is not the point.  We have found that as painful as it is, we have to set boundaries, do what we can to assure gd6 is safe and well cared for physically, and accept the fact that we cannot fix it for her, or for DS.  Extremely painful, but such is life.

What I did want to address was clljhns suggestion that you write dil a letter, and tell you how many I have in my computer file that have been written, reread, but never sent.  Extremely therapeutic, and also allows you to journal your thoughts in such a way that you can review over time the recurrence of the cycle.  I have been posting here off and on for five years, and sometimes have to sigh, or chuckle, over my old posts.  This is a terrible thing, this BPD.  It has ripple effects over many family members and through generations.  There is much wisdom on these boards---I like to follow the parenting board too, to understand what these kids were like as youngsters, and to get advice from grandparents.  Take care of yourself, and keep reading and posting.  You have found many friends here, who share your experiences and your pain.  Blessings to you!     Swampped