Hey valet, How long were you together with our BPDxGF? 2.5 months out of any r/s is a relatively short period of time so be patient and don't be surprised if you have some ups and downs. You seem to be off to a good start in terms of your recovery. In my view, the key question, as you note, is why you got involved with a pwBPD in the first place? It's different for everyone, of course, though there are some common threads, such as codependency, care taking, FOO issues, low self-esteem, etc. Your job is to delve deeply into those issues, so that you learn and grow from them. It's hard work to look at oneself, but it's worth it and at the end of the day self-awareness is the gift you receive from the BPD ordeal.
LuckyJim
P.S. Suggest you listen to your gut feelings along the way.
We were together for about 2.5 years and lived together for a year. About 6 months of our relationship was long distance, while she was working in a different country. We then moved to said country together this year, and broke up at the end of January, after visiting everyone back home and traveling for a few weeks.
I got involved with my ex, I think, largely because I hadn't had a relationship/friendship anything like the one that I had with her before. This may seem incredibly strange, but I wasn't interested in her in
that way at all, even up until the night that we ended up getting together. I was even telling her about the girl that I was crushing on, as well as some terrible details of a short-lived, tumultuous relationship that I had gotten out of about 3 months before that time. Honestly, I don't believe that I had any idea of what real love in a truly deep, committed relationship felt like, and was so tired from previous bad experiences that her intelligence, good looks, and diligent pursuit of me roped me in. She seemed normal on the outside, and I chalked up my gut doubts as me being tentative from my previous bad experience earlier in the year. Aside from emotional issues that I later discovered, she had her stuff together, and she would be quite a catch. In a way, I rationalized this against my own emotions and got with her.
Of course, there was tons of mirroring, love bombing, etc. that made me feel it really was right. In other words, she kind of grew on me, and I saw us being together for a really long time. I thought I was done looking!
What I realized quickly in the relationship, was that she almost seemed inferior to me. She had ongoing fights with her mother, and she felt that all of her true friends either didn't care about her or had abandoned her. I never understand this, but I did find some pleasure in soothing her and thought that she was just going through some stuff at the time. I wanted to support her emotionally, because she was so wonderful in every other way. I guess that this validated a strong need in me, to be her protector, her confidant, or just a person that she could always rely on.
Eventually, the relationship became very co-dependent. When she went abroad to work, she broke down at the airport and almost changed her mind. She didn't want to let go, even though I urged her to accept that it would be good for her. Hell, new language, new people, new culture! Those things sound wonderful. I was as supportive as I could have been, despite the fact that I knew I would miss her dearly. The long distance part of our relationship went super smoothly. I never once doubted her loyalty or commitment, and it appeared that she was really growing, re-inheritting her self worth and become the person that I knew she could be under the right circumstances. I was really proud of her. It finally felt like she was my equal; that we were growing together and had an incredibly bright future.
The next steps in my mind were: I visit her for a few months; we both come home, apply for grad school together; we end up in a new amazing city, study hard and improve together; and end up teaching at the same university or something. I idealized this, because I thought it was a sure thing. Everything was great. I had my friends and she was slowly building her own tight group. It was only a matter of time before we were at the top, power couple style. I ignored any bumps in the road that might occur along the way, and I generally had unrealistic expectations about our life together. Everything had been perfect, so everything would be perfect, forever, in short.
Then my father died. It really drained me emotionally, and she was there for me. But obviously, the truth to this is that I couldn't be there for her when I was in such a state of grief. I got really anti-social for a few months, didn't really make any new friends when I went to visit her, and was generally reclusive. Of course, I think that I was giving her plenty of space, but she couldn't seem to wrap her head around the idea that I was still grieving an incredible loss and wasn't back to full function on a social level. This is when she began to devalue me, and triangulate me with a co-worker of hers. I didn't really see a problem with their friendship then, but I also didn't know that she was probably BPD, so I thought nothing of it. I let her walk all over boundaries that I hadn't really even thought of.
The next eight months pretty much sucked. Constant stonewalling, raging over very minor things, a complete and total lack of an ability to make any decision at all. When all of the major dysfunction started, I remember asking her if she thought that we should take a break or break up, multiple times actually, and all she was able to say was that she didn't know what she wanted. All the while, my self-esteem was deteriorating and I was becoming incredibly paranoid about this other guy that I originally thought she had no interest in. I could have prevented all of my current suffering if I had cut the rope then, but I truly thought that it was just a new phase in our relationship and that if I was compassionate and kind, while giving her plenty of space, things could be recovered. I needed to have firmer boundaries here, and not tolerate her crappy behavior, but again at the time I was just so invested and had no idea that this was/is/will be a cyclical problem for her. I didn't realize that there was nothing that I could do. I will not make this mistake in the future.
Anyways, we came back home for the summer and things only got worse. She had already, at point, emotionally blackmailed me into following her abroad again this year, thus destroying our predetermined plans to go to school. I didn't want to lose her, and living for a year in a different country would be (and has been, now that I am free of her) friggin' awesome! I am really glad that I am here. I have amazing friends; a great support network back home that I talk to quite frequently; I've had the opportunity to work in a completely different field than I thought I ever would; my language skills have improved; generally, everything is great now. I have grown so much, and will think of this break up as perhaps the best favor that anyone has ever done for me.
I don't know if this is fair to say for myself, but when I met her I felt super, super secure with myself and was very happy. My self-esteem was at an all time high and I had great relationships with family and friends, and even spent a lot of time questioning her clinginess and apparent inability to let me go off and do my thing without some sexual bargaining and/or lighthearted pouting. In the future, I will actually pay attention and address the things that seem
off. This sounds terrible, but I think the initial reason that I spent so much time with her is that she is incredibly attractive and the sex was just so damn good. I valued her a huge amount as a person both before the relationship (I thought that she could easily be a best friend for life, which is maybe why I took that next step) and as time passed and we appeared to settle into the relationship I think I only began to appreciate her more, but I think that I would have lost interest in time had it not been the physical aspects (i.e.: her constant willingness to indulge in sexual behavior). Red flag, yes. I'm never gonna play myself like that again.
Not sure what more there is to say here. That was pretty exhausting!
