Where do I start?

[Cloudy Days]

I don't know where to start really, I have been feeling ok I thought. I think I am just lying to myself telling myself that things are good because I want them to be. I have been ignoring my feelings and just distracting or being fake happy. In reality I want to cry at all times, I don't but I want to. My husband has been on a new medication that I think is making things worse, making him obsessive and makes him not feel good so all he does is complain about how he doesn't feel good. My father passed away a month ago very suddenly. He honestly drank himself to death, depressed from taking care of my grandmother who died only a year earlier, almost to the day. My husband last year had gotten into trouble with the federal government, spent 4 months in jail and 5 months on house arrest and is now doing 3 years probation. His actual crime was ridiculous and I am ashamed of our government because all they care about is locking people in jail, but that is another story. While my husband was in Jail my dad did 10 days in the Hospital they told him if he didn't stop drinking he would die. Well he didn't stop drinking, and he died on Valentines day of all days. Me and my husband are currently trying to buy a home with 10 acres. 10 acres because my husband cannot live for long periods of time with close neighbors. The place we rent now is extremely stressful, we have a neighbor that constantly causes crap with my husband, he is a drunk and throws parties every weekend, normal people would hate this man. To make things worse our little dog jumped off a 6 foot retaining wall and injured herself. My husband in BPD fashion wants to blame my mother and have her pay for it since it happened at her house. I am just exhausted and the way I handle things is by holding everything in until I can't anymore. Usually coming out as a marathon of crying during one of my husband's BPD episodes. His moods have definitely been more stable.  The obsessiveness is driving me crazy, I feel that I can't relax. I feel like I am running on fumes at this point. I cannot afford therapy at this point, my husband's is court ordered so we cannot cut down on his. I have even been taking his valium because I can't shake my uneasy feeling. Not a lot, I just feel like I can't breathe some days. I feel like it is all a nightmare and I can't wake up.

[Aurylian]

Cloudy Days,

Sorry to hear about your father passing.  I'm sure it doesn't help in coping with the rest of the stuff.

You said you hold things in until you can't anymore.  Do you have a place to safely work through that?  Good supportive friends?  Obviously those here on the board can help some too, but it is good to have some local physical support.

How have you been doing with letting him have his feelings and not taking them on yourself?  It sounds like that has been a struggle.