should I enforce this knowing it will trigger him? and how?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Our oldest child is now old enough to go to summer camp this summer. IT's the first time. In our divorce agreement from 2 years ago, ex has to contribute. I think he is unaware or forgot about this. He also has mentioned looking forward to paying less next year when our kids are out of day care and in school instead (that's also in there and that's fine). I think he has been off his meds for a month. He is uBPD and he is bipolar although works and functions. He takes the kids every other weekend to his parents' place. Still, he could do anything along the way or there. He has been more triggered than usual lately, starting a fight with one of the kids' teachers via email (not violent, just critizing some stuff etc.) and kind of imagining things a bit (hard things to prove in court, like saying our child told him things about school that the child really did not). When triggered he is angry and does not put the kids first. He seems intent on controlling and getting back at me when something pisses him off. He also still wants to get back together which makes things dicey.

I tend to get intimidated and let a lot of things go. There are some things I'd like to deal with in court and have not done so out of fear of racheting things up. If I bring up chipping in for camp, he will likely say he's not contributing, but it will hang over his head all summer and that's a financial thing that may contribute to more trigger and anger.

Camp is a significant cost. His contribution would likely be small -  he doesn't earn much. But my credit is sinking due to all my legal bills toward him and I took out 5 credit cards.

Should I let it go and sink further into debt?  If I bring it up, how? I can always just sink greater into debt if it keeps him calm while he has the kids.

We do have a parent coordaintor and I can ask her, but so far she's been kind of useless. Her comment about him being off his medicine was that if he ever made a threat, she'd tell the police. Well duh, so would I.

[momtara]

Our oldest child is now old enough to go to summer camp this summer. IT's the first time. In our divorce agreement from 2 years ago, ex has to contribute. I think he is unaware or forgot about this. He also has mentioned looking forward to paying less next year when our kids are out of day care and in school instead (that's also in there and that's fine). I think he has been off his meds for a month. He is uBPD and he is bipolar although works and functions. He takes the kids every other weekend to his parents' place. Still, he could do anything along the way or there. He has been more triggered than usual lately, starting a fight with one of the kids' teachers via email (not violent, just critizing some stuff etc.) and kind of imagining things a bit (hard things to prove in court, like saying our child told him things about school that the child really did not). When triggered he is angry and does not put the kids first. He seems intent on controlling and getting back at me when something pisses him off. He also still wants to get back together which makes things dicey.

I tend to get intimidated and let a lot of things go. There are some things I'd like to deal with in court and have not done so out of fear of racheting things up. If I bring up chipping in for camp, he will likely say he's not contributing, but it will hang over his head all summer and that's a financial thing that may contribute to more trigger and anger.

Camp is a significant cost. His contribution would likely be small -  he doesn't earn much. But my credit is sinking due to all my legal bills toward him and I took out 5 credit cards.

Should I let it go and sink further into debt?  If I bring it up, how? I can always just sink greater into debt if it keeps him calm while he has the kids.

We do have a parent coordaintor and I can ask her, but so far she's been kind of useless. Her comment about him being off his medicine was that if he ever made a threat, she'd tell the police. Well duh, so would I.

[Waddams]

There's always the don't send the kid to camp if you can't afford it option. 

Also, is the oldest old enough to be the babysitter for any younger kids in lieu of paying daycare?  Are his parents safe people for babysitting more often to save cash as well?  Do you have a free option you could otherwise turn to?  A trust neighbor/friend/etc.?

[Sunfl0wer]

If it is a town run camp, you may want to talk to them to see if financial assistance is offered.  Sometimes they will lower the rate for you.  Often this is not advertised tho.

[momtara]

We both work, so I have to send to camp. This is the cheapest one, but still way more than school. The kids are both under 5. Those are good ideas tho - thanks. His parents are an option but just occasionally.

The issue is whether I should tell him or just be afraid (like on so many other things) and eat the cost.

[Sunfl0wer]

I made it a policy to always tell BF's uBPDexw.  My thought was that even if she didn't pay, she was aware of our expectations, and the fact that she was accumulating a tab... .which could keep her mouth shut for complaining to us about other things, and maybe be a deterrent to drag us to court for minor unnecessary things... .as we would have stuff on her.

The reality: I'm not sure anything made a difference.  She still never paid.  She still harassed us in and out of court anyway.  I think it just made a difference to me.  It made me feel like we had a consistent approach, were not acting from fear.  Our plan: state it once in email, include line from legal document referring to her obligation.  No back/forth emails.  She doesn't pay, move on.

It helped me to have a standard approach, for my own sanity.  I'm not sure it helped anything else tho.  It did make me feel less bullied tho.

[momtara]

Oh, our back and forth emails go on forever. Maybe I have to think of a way to say this all without letting it get into that situation. Maybe 'you can get back to me when you and your lawyer have come up with a number' or something clever and creative.

[Sunfl0wer]

You say it is in the divorce agreement for him to contribute.  What amount does it say?  50%?

[GaGrl]

Mortars, the emails go back and forth because you still participate in letting him "hook" you into engaging.

One of our members talks about treating the ex relationship like a business transaction. If that were the case, would you let someone court obligated to pay you $$$ just get a pass? No... it's his legal obligation.

The emails might explode, the texts and phone calls will increase, but your ex and his lawyer need to have the conversation should Ex not want to pay. It's not a conversation you need to have once you've given the up-front info.

You usually ramp up your anxiety level well in advance of these potential situations with your ex.

[ForeverDad]

And if he send 10 emails or texts, you don't have to respond 10 times.  Respond once, or twice at most, such as to clarify, unless really good reason to continue.  Short and simple.  Try to keep it to 3 sentences if possible.  Never ask for input or response, just make statements.  You already know you can't reason with him, so no pleading or bashing, write as though you've got the court looking over your shoulder.  If you ask or offer anything, keep it simple and do it once only and only if required.  Otherwise it will just enable and invite him to keep pestering you, hoping for weak responses and those times you give in will encourage him to do it more.

[momtara]

Yup. Those are VERY helpful responses. Thanks, all. The agreement doesn't have a percent. We'll figure it out - I have a better idea now what to do.

[david]

The agreement doesn't have a percent so I would send an email with a calculation based on 50/50 split of costs. State facts only.    (Oldest child is ready for summer camp. Our court order says that costs are to be split. The total is x amount of money. I will need your half by such and such a date.)

[Ulysses]

I tend to get intimidated and let a lot of things go.

Me, too.  However, the farther away from my marriage I get, and the less isolated I become, the less intimidated I am by my exNPD/BPD-attorney-husband. 

I feel stronger every time I think about our parenting plan.  It's not perfect but it does state things I can refer to. 

Our agreed-upon activities are required to be split 60/40, which is the % of child-support.  Do you have a % stated for child support?  If not, 50/50 seems fair.

It made me feel like we had a consistent approach, were not acting from fear.

I'm aiming for not acting from fear, and when I accomplish it, it feels great.  It seems that our legal documents give me back-up (not that ex follows what's in it, but I feel like it gives me a sense of validation because it is so obvious he's not complying with what he agreed to).

Our plan: state it once in email, include line from legal document referring to her obligation.  No back/forth emails.  She doesn't pay, move on.

Yes, I've found it helps me to include the part of the legal document that states what we agreed to.  Ex still doesn't follow it, but I feel I'm creating a paper trail should I need it in the future.

Momtara, depending on how you feel about it, sometimes churches have vacation bible schools that are really, really inexpensive.  I only had our children attend the one at our church, but I know someone who, when their daughter was preschool age, sent her to a different one each week in the summer for about four weeks.  The only drawback is these are usually half-day camps.