When we were with my friends and family, yes. Hers, that I know of she only told one person about us. She was constantly being bombarded by her friends to "find a man." They presumed that would help her to quit being so angry about her exH. Well, in 10 yrs, anyone who is angrier at their exH 10 yrs AFTER the divorce has an issue that has nothing to do with the exH. It angers me that that she would never tell her so-called friends that she was happy with her life just as it was. For info, SHE divorced him, has known she was gay since she was a teen, and only got married because, in her words, "it was what she was supposed to do." And so what ever peer-pressure she has succumbed to, and I believe it's more of a mommy issue than anything, she's dragged some new guy into the drama that is her life. I can guarantee he has no idea she was with a woman for the last decade. How would you like to find that out?
I'm sure that the profound shame that is core to BPD is causing all sorts of problems for your ex in this situation. And by extension you since you are also deeply affected by her disorder. That her family doesn't want her to be with another woman, and perhaps her own inner conflict about her sexuality can only be adding to her crippling shame. And thus her anger. The anger that she is showing towards her exH may well be projected anger that she has at herself - who she hates and believes is defective. And her shame about her sexuality (not that her shame is appropriate at all) is only adding to her feeling of being defective. Or it could be splitting at work. Or, most likely, some of both. I only point this out so that you know that you are not the reason she didn't proclaim her love for you. It's not you. It's nothing you did or didn't do, and it's not because of any fault or failing in you. This is entirely driven by her disorder and her unresolved issues about her sexuality. That she doesn't have a fully formed "self" tends to allow pwBPD to be very unclear about who they actually are. Some pwBPD can even be chameleons - radically different people to different attachments. So, she may not be able to resolve her sexuality even if she really does know at some level that she is gay. Please know that this isn't your fault, though. This is not because of you. It's not because you weren't good enough or she didn't love you. This is the disorder. I just want you to know that.
