Wife's BPD and her job?

[gunnered72]

Should I inform my wife's employers about her BPD condition? There have been incidents in her work where her condition has forced me to come and take her home... Also on occasion I have had to call in sick for her because she has not been in the right frame of mind to go to work... .

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[vortex of confusion]

I am not an expert on any of this so take what I say with a grain of salt.

It is NOT your responsibility to inform your wife's employer of her condition. Whether or not she wants them to know is up to her.

Also, I don't think it is a good idea to tell employers any more than they need to know. A lot of people have prejudices against people with mental illness. If you tell her employer, it could potentially jeopardize her job.

If your wife has to take time off for her condition, her employer doesn't need to know anything other than "it is for health reasons".

[gunnered72]

The problem I forsee is that if I have to keep calling in sick for her and bringing her home on her bad days she will eventually loose her job anyway... .Its a real dilemma... .She works in sales and I live in fear that the stress of an awkward customer could force her to do something silly... .

[vortex of confusion]

The problem I forsee is that if I have to keep calling in sick for her and bringing her home on her bad days she will eventually loose her job anyway... .Its a real dilemma... .She works in sales and I live in fear that the stress of an awkward customer could force her to do something silly... .

How many of the lessons have you read?

It sounds like you want to rescue her and save her. That is NOT your job. It sounds like you are really enmeshed with her and want to take care of her and protect her. That isn't necessarily a bad thing but it can also be problematic when you are taking responsibility for things that are NOT your responsibility.

What would happen if you refused to call in sick for her and asked her to do it herself?

[gunnered72]

Thanks vortex... im slowly reading through all the lessons and trying to get my head around them... .This is all pretty new and shocking to my system... I have a bad anxiety and depression disorder myself which really doesn't help matters at all... .at the moment the only respite I get is when she sleeps... I do everything in my power not to wake her up... . talk about walking on eggshells... .I guess I'm just a beginner in learning how to deal and cope with my wife's condition

[waverider]

The problem I forsee is that if I have to keep calling in sick for her and bringing her home on her bad days she will eventually loose her job anyway... .Its a real dilemma... .She works in sales and I live in fear that the stress of an awkward customer could force her to do something silly... .

Your wifes workplace is not her rescuer either. they will not understand nor will they cut much slack if it is affecting their bottom line.

Odds are your prediction will come true regardless of what you do. If you get involved she will see it as betrayal and the consequences for you will be worse no matter how well intentioned. Many pwBPD struggle to hold down jobs, that is all part and parcel of the disorder.

Even you can finance your lives in a way that her holding down a job is a bonus, not an essential, it will reduce the strain.

[an0ught]

Hi gunnered72,

BPD always breeds drama. And drama tends to wake our rescue instincts. Staying as much as possible out of drama that pwBPD have created for themselves is usually a good idea. Who knows exactly what is going on and also what function the drama serves. Might be she needs the work drama to process relationship stress and it helps her in some way. Outside relationships can be quite helpful to stabilize the pwBPD. And yes, these relationships if more than superficial will also be warped. But then the load is shared 

There were times when my thoughts constantly circled around the problems of my wife. Some were imagined, some were engineered by herself and some where real. In any case these dramas left little space in my head. I think our esteemed member UfN back then reminded me that my wife was not paying any rent up there. It took a while to evict her from my brain but it got easier once I seriously started with boundaries.

[maxsterling]

Blunt question:  Do you think informing her employer will solve or help anything?

I think you know the answer.

My general advice when dealing with BPD, or life in general, is be careful of wasting your energy on something that won't lead to a solution.  You getting involved in any way means more stress on you.

Trust me here.  My wife has lost two jobs in the two years we have been together.  I didn't tell her employer either time what they were dealing with.  It's not their business, and not mine.  But I did serve as an intermediary between her and her HR department after she was let go because she was incapable of having any kind of rational conversation with them.  That stress was hell on me, with my wife being extremely anger and bitter on one side, and her former employer needing to relay important information on the other side.   

I STRONGLY suggest not getting between your wife and her employer in any way.

[Loosestrife]

I would leave it to her and not interfere.

Have a think about how you feel if she went and told your work personal things about you.

I'd be hurt that my SO went behind my back, id be embarrassed, I'd feel ashamed... .