Cry Cry Cry

[DyingLove]

I know crying is supposed to be good for you. I just googled it, because this evening I just can't put a cap on it.

Has anyone anything they want to say as far as crying/tears helping us get over our terrible grief?  I try not to give into the tears anymore than they take me, but am I making myself more sensitive, are there negatives to pouring it out so often.  Why am I so pent up?  I'm getting better, I can hold the choking during the day while I'm working (pretty much) but when it's me, alone, with my thoughts, I just lose it... .I'm not like this, I used to be a strong person... .not anymore.

I've been in a lot of pain lately too.  Everything aches... .my mouth kills me at times, and my pinched nerve is still there.  Stress/tears, is it related?  Any remedies for toughening up my heart?

[thatwasthat]

I don't think there's any negative about crying.

When I was at the rock bottom I could literally feel it soothing the pain.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I know crying is supposed to be good for you. I just googled it, because this evening I just can't put a cap on it.

Has anyone anything they want to say as far as crying/tears helping us get over our terrible grief?  I try not to give into the tears anymore than they take me, but am I making myself more sensitive, are there negatives to pouring it out so often.  Why am I so pent up?  I'm getting better, I can hold the choking during the day while I'm working (pretty much) but when it's me, alone, with my thoughts, I just lose it... .I'm not like this, I used to be a strong person... .not anymore.

I've been in a lot of pain lately too.  Everything aches... .my mouth kills me at times, and my pinched nerve is still there.  Stress/tears, is it related?  Any remedies for toughening up my heart?

I read somewhere that tears are the physical form of poison leaving the heart. I'm 7 months out, 20 days n/c and I still have days where I can't move. I have moments that the pain feels so deep when I cry nothing comes out. I've shed enough tears to fill a pool and that's ok. That is your healing. My only advice is feel them. Confront them. We may fall apart when confronted with our exes, we may get weak, but, we can face our tears with strength. in that moment, we can take control of the situation and just be raw.

[Indiegrl]

DyingLove

just to let you know: You are not alone. I cry too. Usually I have quite good control... . I save my crying for times I know I am alone and not disturbed, I do not cry together with others, I have to be alone.

Three days ago I started crying when at work. I spent my lunchbreak in my office, the tears kept coming in this quiet way. I have stayed at home for the next two days. Planned to go today, but started crying again.

I always feel better after crying. The days or hours leading up to a cry, my thoughts getting more and more negative and self-invalidating, more and more insecurity... . that does not feel god, not at all.

I cry for the loss of my wonderful man to what I suspect is BPD traits, or... . is it just the distance or the lack of compatibility? Anyway, I have lost the love I thought I had, and I am grieving that loss. 

In addition, crying is a good stress-relief. Sure, it's good to laugh out loud, it's good to excersise, but hey, when not in the mood for that, crying is oh so healthy.

Then again. Most of us are probably having some sort of depression, so I've heard.    Maybe an idea to notice the date and if not better in... . one month, then se the doctor, get help treating the depression (note to self, this one).

Well, it's the middle of the night, and I may soon go to bed because the tears finally let go and came out. I feel relieved.



Take care

[DyingLove]

I know crying is supposed to be good for you. I just googled it, because this evening I just can't put a cap on it.

Has anyone anything they want to say as far as crying/tears helping us get over our terrible grief?  I try not to give into the tears anymore than they take me, but am I making myself more sensitive, are there negatives to pouring it out so often.  Why am I so pent up?  I'm getting better, I can hold the choking during the day while I'm working (pretty much) but when it's me, alone, with my thoughts, I just lose it... .I'm not like this, I used to be a strong person... .not anymore.

I've been in a lot of pain lately too.  Everything aches... .my mouth kills me at times, and my pinched nerve is still there.  Stress/tears, is it related?  Any remedies for toughening up my heart?

I read somewhere that tears are the physical form of poison leaving the heart. I'm 7 months out, 20 days n/c and I still have days where I can't move. I have moments that the pain feels so deep when I cry nothing comes out. I've shed enough tears to fill a pool and that's ok. That is your healing. My only advice is feel them. Confront them. We may fall apart when confronted with our exes, we may get weak, but, we can face our tears with strength. in that moment, we can take control of the situation and just be raw.

Thank you agentofchaos.  Can't move... .I can somewhat relate because of my physical pain.  My crying is like a car that wont start... .I turn the ignition and it begins to turnover and then stops.  Over and over.  I feel so isolated, and then I feel the need to reach out... .then I look at myself, the thing that I'm talking about... .a grown man crying and then I feel some shame.  I'm learning to think "F'it" people who care will talk to me... .those who wont, well that's fine too.  Thank you.

[DyingLove]

DyingLove

just to let you know: You are not alone. I cry too. Usually I have quite good control... . I save my crying for times I know I am alone and not disturbed, I do not cry together with others, I have to be alone.

Three days ago I started crying when at work. I spent my lunchbreak in my office, the tears kept coming in this quiet way. I have stayed at home for the next two days. Planned to go today, but started crying again.

I always feel better after crying. The days or hours leading up to a cry, my thoughts getting more and more negative and self-invalidating, more and more insecurity... . that does not feel god, not at all.

I cry for the loss of my wonderful man to what I suspect is BPD traits, or... . is it just the distance or the lack of compatibility? Anyway, I have lost the love I thought I had, and I am grieving that loss. 

In addition, crying is a good stress-relief. Sure, it's good to laugh out loud, it's good to excersise, but hey, when not in the mood for that, crying is oh so healthy.

Then again. Most of us are probably having some sort of depression, so I've heard.    Maybe an idea to notice the date and if not better in... . one month, then se the doctor, get help treating the depression (note to self, this one).

Well, it's the middle of the night, and I may soon go to bed because the tears finally let go and came out. I feel relieved.



Take care

Indiegirl, you turned the faucet on me the minute you mentioned losing your wonderful man.  Keywords? Relational thoughts? Sadness?  just so many things that trigger me.  I think, in my rational moments, that I'm trying to get better or heal to quickly.  I'm tired of not being what I used to be, a productive energetic man.  I'm tired of living my life in the parenthesis of her life.  It's like she's got a dog collar around my neck, dragging me where she decides.  I hate that.  I'm sorry that you are suffering similarly.  I hope you sleep a good sleep.  That's what I need too.  <3

[Suzn]

Why am I so pent up?  I used to be a strong person... .not anymore.

Strong people cry DL. I remember you talking about a 17 year r/s prior to your exBPDgf. It didn't sound as though you grieved that r/s, that grief was replaced by a new r/s. Right?

Crying is good for your soul. The grief won't last forever my friend. Working through your grief instead of replacing it is a healthy response to a breakup. 

[DyingLove]

Why am I so pent up?  I used to be a strong person... .not anymore.

Strong people cry DL. I remember you talking about a 17 year r/s prior to your exBPDgf. It didn't sound as though you grieved that r/s, that grief was replaced by a new r/s. Right?

Crying is good for your soul. The grief won't last forever my friend. Working through your grief instead of replacing it is a healthy response to a breakup. 

Yes Suzn.  I did grieve that 17 year relationship UNTIL the BPD ex came into my life.  It totally distracted me from the grief, it put a smile on my face, it gave me hope, I felt sexy and wanted and needed again.  I got in shape easily and I had a goal.  Who knew that this woman had an issue.  It's like a mugger sneaking up behind me in an alley and stabbing me in the back. Never saw it coming, didn't know it existed.  But nonetheless, I did get stabbed in the back and now I'm healing my wounds.  Gee I sound smart!  LOL... .I get the moments of clarity where the world is a real good place and I have some sort of memory foam in my mind/heart that goes back to its original form.  Other times... .the devil is on my shoulder just dancin' away at this fool of a man.  Thank you Suzn... .you can be sure, as much as I feel that I need female comfort, I wont be falling prey that easily to any R/S.  Thank you.   

[once removed]

hey dyinglove,

i had never considered myself a "crier". not because i was incapable of it, or thought it was macho not to, it just was not my usual reaction. after my relationship it was regular to the point that i called them "crying spells". i dont know whether its good for you or a neutral reaction. honestly i didnt always feel better after crying or feel i gained something from it. i dont think thats really the point.

"Why am I so pent up?  I'm getting better, I can hold the choking during the day while I'm working (pretty much) but when it's me, alone, with my thoughts, I just lose it... .I'm not like this, I used to be a strong person... .not anymore."

youre experiencing a trauma, a shock to your system, and crying is a natural reaction to that regardless of whether youve typically done it in the past or not, or whether its good for you or not. suzn is right. strong people cry. traumatized people cry. be kind to yourself. whether you feel better or not after crying, do not judge yourself, and let it happen. toughening up your heart should not entail not crying. dont fight your feelings, get in touch with them. the crying will pass, but it wont be due to a tougher heart per se, it will be one among several signs of healing to come.

"I've been in a lot of pain lately too.  Everything aches... .my mouth kills me at times, and my pinched nerve is still there.  Stress/tears, is it related?  Any remedies for toughening up my heart?"

stress, constant adrenaline, tears, yes it can certainly be related. have you had a medical evaluation for any of these things?

[LimboFL]

Dying, I am a 47 year old man and I haven't cried so much my entire life, this week, in fact has been the worst yet. However, while I remain angry at myself for feeling this much pain and for allowing myself to live under this dark cloud, the one thing I do not feel is shame and neither should you.

I am a strong proud man, by this I don't mean, macho and shy about having feelings but I have never been this broken, never felt my mind so disjointed. a 20 year relationship with my ex wife that finally died and I wasn't this crushed. I spend my day battling myself, a joust between the betrayed man and the man who desperately wants the loving good woman I fell in love with back knowing full well that I could never have her as I wish I could.

We both have to fight back though, we both have to kiss that pain goodbye and find a clearing because we are only pushing ourselves further into the bowels of despair, where none of us deserve to be. That is another hard to digest fact in all of this, that we gave so much of ourselves, tried so hard to be good and true to people who so needed for good people to be there for them and yet, it seems almost as though we are being punished for being kind, loving and good. It's counter intuitive, that we should be the ones who suffer. At this point, I am beyond the "live the experience, it's a teaching moment" etc. Enough! I have learned enough, lived the pain enough.

I will say this, although I did end my day feeling blue, after four straight days of bloodshot eyes, after more tear than I have ever seen, I did spend most of the day feeling pretty solid. So the hope is that thy end is near, that this burst of pain and tear might be the sign that I must move on, that I have grieved enough. I know that I cannot continue like this, that if I do, I might as well just cry uncle, crawl under a rock and hand my part of humanity card. I don't mean off myself ok! I just mean that I need to get back on the horse. We all have to fight back. We deserve better than this. We stayed when most others did or would have ran. We deserve our lives to at least return to normal. I ask for nothing more but ultimately it is only I who can answer, no one else.

Do not feel shame for crying, though. I really like agents description of our tears being the poison leaving our hearts. That is an amazing sentiment.  The longer the relationship the more poison that needs to be purged.

Sleep well, my friends.  

[zundertowz]

I have been feeling so positive the past week and all of a sudden today at 6pm I just felt a piyt in my stomach for no aparant reason... .ive been feeling like ___ all night and on the verge of a breakdown... .just when you feel like your over a hump it all comes back.  I wish this would end already.

[Turkish]

I grew up with a dBPD (and Depression) mother. I was also bullied, often horribly, from pre-school until I was in 10th grade, approximately. About 9th grade, I resolved to never cry again over emotional pain (even physical).

Other than crying like a baby when my pet died when I was 30, I held to that.

In the months my r/s ended, and my Ex all but threw her juvenile r/s with the other man (boy... . he's young enough to be my son), I again cried like a baby. At home (though never in front of her even when I heard her talking and laughing with him on the phone two rooms away), in the car. At work. I used to get something like panic attacks, even triggered by reading this site at work. I lost 25 lbs in 3 months from hardly eating. I felt physically sick.

In one session, my T said, "you know it's ok to cry." I replied, "what do you think I've been doing man?" He and his pat answers  

The physical manifestations are an exhbition of emotional pain, as is the crying. Humor ("sick and twisted" as my T said admiringly), can be another.

Pain is a part of healing. You've been damaged. Let it flow. Though I still have an appreciation for old school stoicism, being numb is a way of invalidating ourselves.

I cried for months and months. Then it stopped when it was natural to stop. My dream was shattered, but it took my emotional mind a while to catch up to my logical mind.

[fromheeltoheal]

Any remedies for toughening up my heart?

You don't want a tough heart, calloused, chewy and full of gristle, yuck; tender hearts are much better, sizzling on the outside, warm and juicy on the inside.  The way to keep a heart that way is to let the juices flow; stuffing and stifling them just fills it with stagnant sour backwash.  Crying is the feeling of pain leaving.

[rlhmm]

i wish i could cry!  i've gotten choked up, but cant seem to just bawl my eyes out. why?  its been almost 9 months... .am i over it?  i'd love to cry and get it the f**k over with!

[DyingLove]

i wish i could cry!  i've gotten choked up, but cant seem to just bawl my eyes out. why?  its been almost 9 months... .am i over it?  i'd love to cry and get it the f**k over with!

I cry often when driving alone in the evening.  When I met my ex I was still in NY. I would daily spend tons of time texting her and talking to her on the phone outside of where I was living. I went to Florida to be with my soul mate and low and behold I'm back in NY after 3plus years. My son lives next door to where I used to live so everytime I go to his house I get triggered and I am a wreck. In a tattoo parlor trying not to cry now. Today's her birthday and that has been triggering me all day. When when when is it going to stop!

[cosmonaut]

Pain is a part of healing. You've been damaged. Let it flow. Though I still have an appreciation for old school stoicism, being numb is a way of invalidating ourselves.

I cried for months and months. Then it stopped when it was natural to stop. My dream was shattered, but it took my emotional mind a while to catch up to my logical mind.

This is a really touching post, Turkish, and I think it shows how deeply we are affected by the end of these relationships.  They are devastating.  There's all kinds of reasons for that, but they result in a pain like I've never otherwise known.

There were times in the first few months were I would feel completely shell shocked - numb to the core.  And then there would be times when I would feel completely overcome.  There were times at work I had to quickly step out, because I could feel the pain crashing over me again and I didn't know if I was going to be able to hold it together.  When triggered, the pain could be overwhelming.  It was just insane how overcome I could get at the most minor of thoughts about my ex.  Everything was triggering.  I felt like I lived in a world haunted by her ghosts.  She was everywhere.  Even in my dreams she came to me.  It was torturous.  There was no escape and there was no relief.  Those were the hardest months of my life, and as someone with their own mood disorder I've had some really miserable times in life.  But this took the all time cake.

You don't want a tough heart, calloused, chewy and full of gristle, yuck; tender hearts are much better, sizzling on the outside, warm and juicy on the inside.  The way to keep a heart that way is to let the juices flow; stuffing and stifling them just fills it with stagnant sour backwash.  Crying is the feeling of pain leaving.

This is beautiful.

[Hopeless777]

We are born with the ability to cry tears because of the cleansing nature of water.  What softens a dry, hard sponge? What cleanses a wound and washes away the dirt? I could go on forever about what water can do. It is necessary for life, and so are tears.

Emotions held in destroy us, but those that are washed away with tears restore us. Think of a sponge lying dried up and brittle on the kitchen counter. If you didn't shed tears, that would be you. But if you plunge the sponge into warm water, it softens, just as we do when we are willing to cry tears of pain, joy, love, and acceptance.

[DyingLove]

We are born with the ability to cry tears because of the cleansing nature of water.  What softens a dry, hard sponge? What cleanses a wound and washes away the dirt? I could go on forever about what water can do. It is necessary for life, and so are tears.

Emotions held in destroy us, but those that are washed away with tears restore us. Think of a sponge lying dried up and brittle on the kitchen counter. If you didn't shed tears, that would be you. But if you plunge the sponge into warm water, it softens, just as we do when we are willing to cry tears of pain, joy, love, and acceptance.

This makes simply perfect sense hopeless.  It ranks right up there with the "bandaid" and the "cure".  If we could find the "alka seltzer" cure of our deadly emotions, we would be one heck of a creature!  It's like it all fires up and I get the squishy face and the tears start and then I realize what I'm doing and it all comes to a halt.  Maybe if I could just follow thru on a long cry, I'd get it out of my system or at least some of it.

I got over yesterday, her birthday, finally with a long chat from a dear friend with similar griefs. We spoke for hours and then I went to bed. Achy as heck, but I fell out nonetheless.  this morning I just couldn't get out of bed... .I think about 10:45 I started feeling hungry and rolled off the mattress.  Ok, so it's now 11:30am and my day is beginning. But feeling that "cry urge" is not my idea of how to start a morning. I thought I was doing good a couple of weeks ago, until I became obsessed with her birthday nearing... .  I'm still n/c for about 35 days.  So I have something to be proud of... .although I try to think of ways to contact her that would not be breaking the n/c.  Is it her or is it me?  This can really make you crazy.

[Suzn]

Ok, so it's now 11:30am and my day is beginning. But feeling that "cry urge" is not my idea of how to start a morning. I thought I was doing good a couple of weeks ago, until I became obsessed with her birthday nearing... .

This reminds me of something my T said a long time ago. I'll never forget it. She told me "whatever you do, don't stop "feeling." I had told her I just wanted to stop crying and stop being angry. It felt extreme to me and since I had not really been feeling my emotions and expressing them in a healthy way I was in other words shut down prior to this r/s. This will balance out over time.

So I have something to be proud of... .although I try to think of ways to contact her that would not be breaking the n/c.  Is it her or is it me?  This can really make you crazy.

This, is you. These r/s are akin to addiction. It takes time to recover from being addicted to the drama and the anger while in the r/s. Anger releases adrenaline/epinephrine into our bodies. Also our addiction to "save" someone from themselves. There comes a time where we have to save ourselves instead.

[DyingLove]

Ok, so it's now 11:30am and my day is beginning. But feeling that "cry urge" is not my idea of how to start a morning. I thought I was doing good a couple of weeks ago, until I became obsessed with her birthday nearing... .

This reminds me of something my T said a long time ago. I'll never forget it. She told me "whatever you do, don't stop "feeling." I had told her I just wanted to stop crying and stop being angry. It felt extreme to me and since I had not really been feeling my emotions and expressing them in a healthy way I was in other words shut down prior to this r/s. This will balance out over time.

So I have something to be proud of... .although I try to think of ways to contact her that would not be breaking the n/c.  Is it her or is it me?  This can really make you crazy.

This, is you. These r/s are akin to addiction. It takes time to recover from being addicted to the drama and the anger while in the r/s. Anger releases adrenaline/epinephrine into our bodies. Also our addiction to "save" someone from themselves. There comes a time where we have to save ourselves instead.

Thank you Suzn.  Just got a new setback.  I will make a new thread.  Lost more than my Ex.