Found old pictures, momentos and notes

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Just stumbled upon pictures from the last time we saw each other and also some cards and notes In storage I had forgotten about. I can't stop crying. It hurts so much. What I wouldn't give for another chance... .

Please stop me from making contact today. ...

[Beach_Babe]

Just stumbled upon pictures from the last time we saw each other and also some cards and notes In storage I had forgotten about. I can't stop crying. It hurts so much. What I wouldn't give for another chance... .

Please stop me from making contact today. ...

[DyingLove]

Just stumbled upon pictures from the last time we saw each other and also some cards and notes In storage I had forgotten about. I can't stop crying. It hurts so much. What I wouldn't give for another chance... .

Please stop me from making contact today. ...

Sorry Beach_Babe.  That hurts like heck!  I just went thru that recently a couple of weeks ago.  Stay N/C, you will be thankful you did.  You deserve better as we all do!  I tossed about 8000+ of her photos into my recycle bin.  It felt good... .REAL GOOD... .photos she'll never have or get back... .kinda similar to what she threw away with us!  See the similarity?  I did keep some of the photos I wanted... .sorry to say I kept the "racey" photos and phone videos we had taken.  You'll make it... .YOU WILL... .remain N/C... .you will be chalking up time under your belt.

Think of it this way... .you can accumulate your N/C time, but once you "spend it", you are back to the drawing board... .plus you'll feel like crap.  Don't do it... .doctors orders!  LOL   You'll make it Beach_Babe.  Put the pics away or whatever you plan on doing with them... .make your decision... .live it.  I'm in a moment of strength right now!  Maybe because I'm hungry... .wish I could take you to Bfast with me... .but I'm sure you are too far to pickup right now!  I'll be on and off all day.  :-)  Hugs, Love.

[Beach_Babe]

thank you for that. i just dont understand why im so hated. I loved this person so much. He does not miss me, does not care I meant nothing. He is not a human being, and will only hurt me if I try to make contact right?

[DyingLove]

thank you for that. i just dont understand why im so hated. I loved this person so much. He does not miss me, does not care I meant nothing. He is not a human being, and will only hurt me if I try to make contact right?

Good question.  I'm trying to get over "similar" griefs. My question is "why the heck did she betray me?"  I guess the "questions are related, the reasons are probably related too.  My ex did what she did... .can't take it back, I just have to accept it and understand that SHE DIDN'T DESERVE ME and DOESN'T DESERVE ME. PERIOD!   So many people are happy to see me since I came back to NY... .and I look like crap from being beat up and all the stresses hitting me from every direction.  I'm looking better though, and I'm going to get back to being the "old/new" me!

Beach_babe:  I don't hate you!  I don't think you could squeeze out a sentiment of "HATE" anywhere on this forum.  You think you are hated by someone that does not deserve you and your effort.  I get the same way... .the old "rollercoaster ride of grieving emotions!"  I don't know you that well, but I do know that you are going thru the same stuff that we are all going thru here... .but your jar has a slightly different label!  You are loved.  Sorry I couldn't take you to Bfast. :-)

[leftconfused]

Just stumbled upon pictures from the last time we saw each other and also some cards and notes In storage I had forgotten about. I can't stop crying. It hurts so much. What I wouldn't give for another chance... .

Please stop me from making contact today. ...

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It is so hard.  It hurts to think we loved someone with everything we have and they can just discard us like trash.  I felt hated too.  Our last falling out I asked him, why do you hate me so much?  He said I don't hate you, noone said anything about hate.  I said well that is how you're acting, that is how you make me feel.  They don't understand the consequences of their actions.  Regardless, as Dyinglove said, they DONT DESERVE US!  Period!  If your ex is anything like mine reaching out will only cause you more pain!  He will likely either ignore you or be mean and make you feel even worse.  Of course, I had to find this out the hard way and as my friend put it, I learned that every time I reached out I might have just stabbed myself in the face.  In other words, don't keep causing yourself pain.  I think you asked me in a previous post how long Ive been no contact.  We recycled many times.  We got together Nov 2013. He moved in Dec.  He moved out the first time in August after a brief threat of leaving late July.  Then I managed to get him back and he was practically living with me again until Nov when I just couldn't take it anymore and kicked him out in Nov.  Then still went on to see him every couple weeks or so until VDay.  Now he is NOTHING but nasty to me and claims to not want anything to do with me.  Sadly, at this point Im kind of numb to it because Im used to it.  But I am determined to be done this time.  I've only been strict no contact for a week now but I feel better.  Mainly because I reached out to his ex-wifes sister last week and she confirmed how horribly abusive he was to her as well.  It confirmed that I can't have him in my life.  I posted a thread on that story yesterday. 

Bottom line is you deserve better and you have to know that!  He is BAD NEWS BAD NEWS!  I know it hurts like hell, but I promise it does get better!  Stay strong and keep busy, it helps. 

[DyingLove]

Good words leftconfused.

I wish I was the one that could have booted her out! But the circumstances were different in my case. Her apartment, her working full time, everything was her her her her.

I was trying to notice if being Female or Male served any differentiation in regard to things like hurting and how much crap one person can take from another... .I always look to see if there is a "gender" symbol in the sidebar.  But it seems that it's an individual thing, although I really think that Women have more internal strength... .I could be wrong.  I'm a strong individual in certain areas, and probably at "certain times", but at times of grief with strong emotion I become a shriveled prune. Unfortunately.  Why did I bring it up? Because Beach_Babe is obviously a Female, and I hear/feel such "hurt" in her words.  But I also here and feel BIG HURTS in posts from men too.  Oh what a crazy world.

[leftconfused]

Good words leftconfused.

I wish I was the one that could have booted her out! But the circumstances were different in my case. Her apartment, her working full time, everything was her her her her.

I was trying to notice if being Female or Male served any differentiation in regard to things like hurting and how much crap one person can take from another... .I always look to see if there is a "gender" symbol in the sidebar.  But it seems that it's an individual thing, although I really think that Women have more internal strength... .I could be wrong.  I'm a strong individual in certain areas, and probably at "certain times", but at times of grief with strong emotion I become a shriveled prune. Unfortunately.  Why did I bring it up? Because Beach_Babe is obviously a Female, and I hear/feel such "hurt" in her words.  But I also here and feel BIG HURTS in posts from men too.  Oh what a crazy world.

Kicking him out actually felt so good!  It felt good to take back my power.  After I finally got him out I went upstairs, and got into bed with a big smile on my face.  He still says he left me though LOL!  It kills him to think that something might have happened that he didn't have control of.  He can think whatever he wants, I don't care anymore. 

I tend to agree that women tend to have more strength, I don't know why that is.  I have been told all my life how strong I am, but I certainly don't always feel that way!  I have been through a lot in my life though and its just how I've always had to be.  And what I do know to be true is that every horrible thing we go through we come out stronger and better!  So I am holding on to that right now, because I do find myself on the verge of breaking down from time to time.  I will say that this is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  I went through a rough time when my Mom died a few years ago and that was nothing compared to this!  How crazy is that?  Crazy world indeed.  Hang in there!

[DyingLove]

Good words leftconfused.

I wish I was the one that could have booted her out! But the circumstances were different in my case. Her apartment, her working full time, everything was her her her her.

I was trying to notice if being Female or Male served any differentiation in regard to things like hurting and how much crap one person can take from another... .I always look to see if there is a "gender" symbol in the sidebar.  But it seems that it's an individual thing, although I really think that Women have more internal strength... .I could be wrong.  I'm a strong individual in certain areas, and probably at "certain times", but at times of grief with strong emotion I become a shriveled prune. Unfortunately.  Why did I bring it up? Because Beach_Babe is obviously a Female, and I hear/feel such "hurt" in her words.  But I also here and feel BIG HURTS in posts from men too.  Oh what a crazy world.

Kicking him out actually felt so good!  It felt good to take back my power.  After I finally got him out I went upstairs, and got into bed with a big smile on my face.  He still says he left me though LOL!  It kills him to think that something might have happened that he didn't have control of.  He can think whatever he wants, I don't care anymore. 

I tend to agree that women tend to have more strength, I don't know why that is.  I have been told all my life how strong I am, but I certainly don't always feel that way!  I have been through a lot in my life though and its just how I've always had to be.  And what I do know to be true is that every horrible thing we go through we come out stronger and better!  So I am holding on to that right now, because I do find myself on the verge of breaking down from time to time.  I will say that this is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  I went through a rough time when my Mom died a few years ago and that was nothing compared to this!  How crazy is that?  Crazy world indeed.  Hang in there!

I guess I can relate what you've said to my ex coming home and finding the house empty as she did.  She texted at 6:02 pm which means she just got home... .she texted "So, I guess you aren't here"  That was it.  Then 30 seconds later there was a phone call from her... .she didn't leave a message and I didn't answer... .nor did I return any communications.  I don't know that she feels crappy at all... .so why should I?  That is why I kick myself!

[zundertowz]

thank you for that. i just dont understand why im so hated. I loved this person so much. He does not miss me, does not care I meant nothing. He is not a human being, and will only hurt me if I try to make contact right?

I understand the pain your in Beach_Babe... .It hurts when some one can do such cruel things to you and move on without a conscious.  You need to get to that place were you realize that this is not your fault and that moving on is whats healthy.  It still hurts but at least you will be on the road to recovery.

[Beach_Babe]

Dyinglove: Thank you. It helps so much to have people who understand. Sad but true they do not care. Good for you for staying strong and resisting that call.

I hope you enjoyed your breakfast.

leftconfused: I imagine someone must hate me to threaten the police on me for accidental contact no? You are right making contact will only cause more pain. He has a new job, people and feels important now. No matter how much I wish differently, I know the response will be nasty. How long did it take for yours to come back typically?

zundertowz: of course moving on is healthy. But you know old habits die hard I guess. The hardest thing is knowing I have been forgotten. That after 6 failed  attempts to see him this year I never will again. And any reminder I still exist causes him to feel intense hatred. He will be back when he gets fired if history is any judge. That's what i'm the most scared of. Back to use me once more. How about you?

[zundertowz]

Beach_Babe... . I was recycled twice and both times was in contact with her constantly and was back in the home within a week, this time I was kicked out almost 3 weeks ago and no contact now for 2 weeks... . im guessing there wont be, last fight was pretty nasty on both our parts and i didnt really try and smooth things over I just exchanged nasty txts with her.  The only way I would respond to her now is if she wrote me a note that had some element of truth to it and that would only be for my own closure.  Being away from the home and doing more research theres no way I could go back in the home and be happy nor do I love this women anymore.  My hurt and pain comes from being codependant I guess and the insanity of the relationship... . Im pretty sure I have PTSD goung to T on Thursday.

[Infared]

thank you for that. i just dont understand why im so hated. I loved this person so much. He does not miss me, does not care I meant nothing. He is not a human being, and will only hurt me if I try to make contact right?

In my case I had a mentally ill partner and an extreme co-dependent, me.  All I could do was work on me. I was not healthy to be longing for someone who was treating me so poorly. My ex was so vicious to me at the end, that I threw away any and everything that was a momento.  Everything.  It all represented an illusion in my head. Nothing more. Contacting her was just choosing to be cruel to myself. I had to stop. I could not do it alone. I got a T and all the support that I could.

Painful stuff. It's normal... . you are grieving a huge loss in your life. My heart goes out to you.  

[Fr4nz]

thank you for that. i just dont understand why im so hated. I loved this person so much. He does not miss me, does not care I meant nothing. He is not a human being, and will only hurt me if I try to make contact right?

Have the same impression about my exBPDgf

They move on in such horrendous way... .

[Infared]

thank you for that. i just dont understand why im so hated. I loved this person so much. He does not miss me, does not care I meant nothing. He is not a human being, and will only hurt me if I try to make contact right?

Have the same impression about my exBPDgf

The move on in a so horrendous way... .

I found myself in the same place. It's bewildering. It my case it was definitely repeated behavior to other decent men. That part I am sure of, for me the only thing that explains the behavior is personality disorder/mental illness or some kind of emotional damage. I did not cause it in this instance.  In my past I had more of a part in the demise of some relationships... . I learned... .and in this case I just did not deserve what was dished to me, at all.