flipped out cause I wasn't ready.

[misuniadziubek]

We had plans to go to a birthday party for his friend's kids. It stated at 1 pm but he told them he might be late cause working on his car. He wakes up at 12:30 today and we cuddle for a bit. Then eventually he goes to shower. Doesn't say a word about anything. After 30 minutes gets out and says we're leaving soon. Starts getting dressed. I'm surprised. He said he was going to work on car. I tell him I need time. 10 minutes tops to get ready ( haven't showered, brushed or done my hair) He tells me no. I had all the time to get ready while he showered. I tell him I didn't know he wanted to go right away. He had said he was going to work on his car first thing today. He gets angry tells me either we leave right now, immediately or he's going alone. I tell him that I don't want to leave looking like this, am frustrated at this point, like crazy. He takes off all his clothes. Says he's not going anywhere anymore and that I should leave period. Then now left to work on his car.

Told me this is the "b___yness" from me that hr can't stand. That I lied to him and made my own bed.

I'm upset. I can't think rationally. I'm crying. I've been looking forward to going to this withh him all week. He's angry, ignoring me and not talking to me.

Im lost. The only person really to blame here is me. I've decided to be with him, the way he is. I put up with this. This is my life.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Oh, first of all    I'm sorry that your feeling so sad and that you didn't get to go!

It happens a lot that our partners changes opinions and plans seemingly on a whim. As they follow their feeling in the moment rather than any plan decided in advance, things can change on a dime. Couple this with black-and-white thinking (now I want this action, and any other action is wrong), inability to hear "criticism" (you wanting time to prepare so his organizing must have been bad) and trouble connecting with their empathy for their partners (he had more than enough with his own feelings), and you get a not so nice situation.

He might have felt guilt about not going on time and made you the scapegoat.

Be kind to yourself! I hope you don't blame yourself too much, you don't deserve that!

And yes, this is your life. It doesn't have to be, though. There are ways to change how you feel and react that will help you a lot! First of all, please hear that you are not alone in having these types of situations happen! And your response was completely reasonable. But BPD is not about reason, unfortunately. Best thing for you to do is take care of yourself right now. What can you do to be good to yourself? Go to the movies? The mall? A nature walk? Swimming? Meet up with a friend? Exercise? Spa?

[misuniadziubek]

Oh, first of all    I'm sorry that your feeling so sad and that you didn't get to go!

It happens a lot that our partners changes opinions and plans seemingly on a whim. As they follow their feeling in the moment rather than any plan decided in advance, things can change on a dime. Couple this with black-and-white thinking (now I want this action, and any other action is wrong), inability to hear "criticism" (you wanting time to prepare so his organizing must have been bad) and trouble connecting with their empathy for their partners (he had more than enough with his own feelings), and you get a not so nice situation.

He might have felt guilt about not going on time and made you the scapegoat.

Be kind to yourself! I hope you don't blame yourself too much, you don't deserve that!

And yes, this is your life. It doesn't have to be, though. There are ways to change how you feel and react that will help you a lot! First of all, please hear that you are not alone in having these types of situations happen! And your response was completely reasonable. But BPD is not about reason, unfortunately. Best thing for you to do is take care of yourself right now. What can you do to be good to yourself? Go to the movies? The mall? A nature walk? Swimming? Meet up with a friend? Exercise? Spa?

I don't think the sadness will go away for a while. I've been helping him fix his car the whole day, but inside I'm really sad. I wanted to see these friends for weeks and his outbursts result in me having to deal with disappointment... .

I don't live around here, so not much for me to do.

He came up with some meeting he was planning to attend before we went to the party, hed never mentioned it to me, but now he's telling me that he wanted to take me along to introduce his wonderful gf to everyone but because of how I acted, he isn't going to explain that his gf is sometimes a "b""""".

Blah blah blah. I'm only " good " as long as I'm complacent and don't express my perspective. Having emotions and disagreeing makes me a  "b""''"' "

[an0ught]

Hi misuniadziubek,

I'm upset. I can't think rationally. I'm crying. I've been looking forward to going to this withh him all week. He's angry, ignoring me and not talking to me.

Ouch, this is hurting  

Sounds to me like the was depressed and did not get up. Was not eager to go for the visit. Then he searched for a way to sabotage and blame you.  

I'm not saying he really planned this fully out. But it looks like he is well versed in pushing in a passive aggressive manner for where his moody feelings want him to go. Previous commitments for going with you are split and ignored. Not an adult and responsible way to behave  

What can you do?

1) Better communication to ensure decisions are clearer including exact time-lines.

2) Boundaries - how to protect your plans from being sabotaged totally

3) Validation - finding out earlier how depressed he is that day and planning accordingly

Let's be clear - none of what happened is your fault! We are dealing with extreme moods and experienced saboteurs. At times the best we can do is having a plan B and execute on that.

[misuniadziubek]

Hi misuniadziubek,

Ouch, this is hurting  

Sounds to me like the was depressed and did not get up. Was not eager to go for the visit. Then he searched for a way to sabotage and blame That  

I'm not saying he really planned this fully out. But it looks like he is well versed in pushing in a passive aggressive manner for where his moody feelings want him to go. Previous commitments for going with you are split and ignored. Not an adult and responsible way to behave  

What can you do?

1) Better communication to ensure decisions are clearer including exact time-lines.

2) Boundaries - how to protect your plans from being sabotaged totally

3) Validation - finding out earlier how depressed he is that day and planning accordingly

Let's be clear - none of what happened is your fault! We are dealing with extreme moods and experienced saboteurs. At times the best we can do is having a plan B and execute on that.

Apparently he had other plans and just opted not to tell me. A meeting with his political party.

He wanted to go to that instead of the party. When I confronted him on not telling me, he responded that he shouldn't have to tell me his plans. That I should have gotten ready while he showered

In the end, not going was actually a good idea. Fixing his car was the priority since he has school the next day and ended up needing some stuff from the store and it would have been too late otherwise.

I didn't handle things well either, but it's really not fair for him to be the only one who gets to feel confident in his appear ace. I told him to go by himself if he wasn't willing to wait for me to get ready and handing out ultimatums. That left him the angriest. His idea of me being a b****

[OffRoad]

I told him to go by himself if he wasn't willing to wait for me to get ready and handing out ultimatums. That left him the angriest. His idea of me being a b****

ZING! This is why he was so upset. Been there, done this a million and one times (maybe not quite that much). You CALLED him on his BS.

He had decided he didn't want to go to the friend's party. He knew you wanted to go. Instead of TELLING you that, he "overslept", then did something you would like (cuddle), then went to take a shower without mentioning that when he got out he planned on leaving. He set you up for that. This is standard pwBPD "I don't want to do something but if I tell you you will be upset/angry/sad/any emotion I don't want to have to deal with, so I will make you the bad guy any way I can do it."

Then, because you called him on his BS, he has to make you feel as crappy as he does and he does that by telling you "he wanted to take me along to introduce his wonderful gf to everyone but because of how I acted, he isn't going to explain that his gf is sometimes a "b""""".

Really. This is what that was. Do you drive up? Because if you do, this is the time to leave. Just walk away for the day. Say that since you had planned for a relaxing party and it didn't happen, you're going to go do something relaxing with your day before you have to go back to work next week. Part of why you feel so sad is because he just slimed you. Do not fall for it.

[formflier]

  When I confronted him on not telling me, he responded that he shouldn't have to tell me his plans. That I should have gotten ready while he showered

I want to re-emphasize that none of this is your fault... . !

Our suggestions here should be taken on the good better best scale of thing instead of right and wrong.  Then you have to add in the nuance of your r/s... . what works for me... .might not for you.

When things like the above get said to me... . I go to one of my favorite lines.

"Help me understand how I should have known to get ready... . "  Say this evenly... . because it's obvious that you  really don't understand.  While you are listening to him... . listen for emotions to validate.

If he is really crabby... . a boundary may be appropriate... . don't discuss things with him while dysregulated or calling you names.

Final thought... . he should never call you a b****.  Shouldn't call you names at all.  This may be another place for a boundary... . or depending on the mood or vibe... .a "help me understand how name calling xyz... ."

Thoughts?

 

I'm sorry you missed your friends... . hang in there.

FF

[misuniadziubek]

  When I confronted him on not telling me, he responded that he shouldn't have to tell me his plans. That I should have gotten ready while he showered

I want to re-emphasize that none of this is your fault... . !

Our suggestions here should be taken on the good better best scale of thing instead of right and wrong.  Then you have to add in the nuance of your r/s... . what works for me... .might not for you.

When things like the above get said to me... . I go to one of my favorite lines.

"Help me understand how I should have known to get ready... . "  Say this evenly... . because it's obvious that you  really don't understand.  While you are listening to him... . listen for emotions to validate.

If he is really crabby... . a boundary may be appropriate... . don't discuss things with him while dysregulated or calling you names.

Final thought... . he should never call you a b****.  Shouldn't call you names at all.  This may be another place for a boundary... . or depending on the mood or vibe... .a "help me understand how name calling xyz... ."

Thoughts?

 

I'm sorry you missed your friends... . hang in there.

FF

I know it's definitely not my fault. He told me that I should know that if he is going to shower then he is obviously not planning on working on his car. That -I- had decided we go to his party, and not he. He hadn't said anything about going.

Except that he did. I asked him if we were seeing his friends on Sunday and we even looked at birthday cards for the kids. At any point he could have told me, I don't actually want to go to this.

He generalises my reactions to his berating me, attacking me, criticising my opinion as me acting like a 'b****"

What it really means? Depends on the situation. It might be everything from not doing what he wants, to jade-ing, to calling him on his ultimatum bluffs.

His solution for me becoming a better partner and validating him? Stop being such a b****. It's him not being able to express what he dislikes in how I act. It's an umbrella term.

I don't know how to address that honestly.

Confronting him and calling him out while he's dysregulated is a bad misstep on my part, but in a situation where he's telling me he suddenly wants us to leave 'right now' and throwing my flat iron out of the bathroom when I plug it in? He wants to control the situation and I'm refusing to give up that power, it's hard to rationally figure out what to do. Any action or response WILL leave him more upset.

I'm not sure how I could have handled that better.

[formflier]

I'm not sure how I could have handled that better.

One thought... .one idea... . think about it for a while before you try it... . lots of discussion... . here... . first.

What do you do when he says the "b" word?  (I'm assuming this is big deal to you... . )

What would happen if you walked away... .the instant he said the b word... . no more conversation... . nuthin... . nadda... .

Take a break for 10-15 minutes and then re-engage.  Don't keep harping on the word... . just don't listen to anything he has to say... . when he says it.

Thoughts?

FF

[OffRoad]

Confronting him and calling him out while he's dysregulated is a bad misstep on my part, but in a situation where he's telling me he suddenly wants us to leave 'right now' and throwing my flat iron out of the bathroom when I plug it in? He wants to control the situation and I'm refusing to give up that power, it's hard to rationally figure out what to do. Any action or response WILL leave him more upset.

I'm not sure how I could have handled that better.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who will disagree with me. However, having done nearly this exact thing many times during H and my dating time, once my H had set something like this up, there is NOTHING I could have done right. Walk away is the ONLY thing I could have done. Once the pwBPD has painted themselves into the corner, they know they are in the wrong. Even if you agree with them that you are in the wrong, it won't work, because they KNOW they are in the wrong. You then become weak and worthy of verbal abuse in their eyes because you invalidated what they know to be true (that it is their own doing that caused this).

Look at it this way: Had you said "Sure, let's go." instead of saying you needed to get ready, I am 100% sure he would have given you grief for not taking a shower. And also 100% sure he would have picked on ANYTHING that looked out of place on you because you didn't have time to get ready. If you are a miracle worker with looking beautiful no matter what, he'd have found something else to pick on you about. Because the bottom line is that HE DID NOT WANT TO GO TO THAT PARTY. He would have done anything to avoid it. I reiterate there is NOTHING you could have handled better except walking away.

"He gets angry tells me either we leave right now, immediately or he's going alone." Even if you had said calmly, "Oh, OK. I'll see you later then." Best case scenario would be he'd have gone to his meeting (not the party)  without you, and when he told you that he had done so, you'd feel lied to. And he'd still blame you about the party. But he most likely would have just gotten angry exactly as he did.

Now had you known he didn't want to go to the party, then you could have handled it better, by saying "No problem, what else would you like to do?"

Please don't beat yourself up over this one. It was a no win situation unless you just chose not to participate.

[formflier]

I think best case would have been to go to the party... . if he comes... .great... . if not... .you still enjoy the party.

Don't let a pwBPD determine all your plans... . or even most of them... .

FF

[misuniadziubek]

I think best case would have been to go to the party... . if he comes... .great... . if not... .you still enjoy the party.

Don't let a pwBPD determine all your plans... . or even most of them... .

FF

This wasn't an option. He would have been genuinely hurt if I did that since his car was unusable and he needed my help to get it running. I said at one point angrily  that 'maybe I'll just go to the party without him' but his response told me I was going too far.

He gave me an ultimatum. "If you go to the party, you're not welcome to come back to this house."

It's not even the threat that motivated me to scratch the idea, as much as that I'm his gf and it's his best friend's kid. Me showing up alone doesn't make much sense. It would require explanations that neither I nor my bf would be willing to give, and honestly, I don't want to shine him in a bad light, especially to his friends.

If this was my friends, or my family, then it's not that big of a deal.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who will disagree with me. However, having done nearly this exact thing many times during H and my dating time, once my H had set something like this up, there is NOTHING I could have done right. Walk away is the ONLY thing I could have done. Once the pwBPD has painted themselves into the corner, they know they are in the wrong. Even if you agree with them that you are in the wrong, it won't work, because they KNOW they are in the wrong. You then become weak and worthy of verbal abuse in their eyes because you invalidated what they know to be true (that it is their own doing that caused this).

Look at it this way: Had you said "Sure, let's go." instead of saying you needed to get ready, I am 100% sure he would have given you grief for not taking a shower. And also 100% sure he would have picked on ANYTHING that looked out of place on you because you didn't have time to get ready. If you are a miracle worker with looking beautiful no matter what, he'd have found something else to pick on you about. Because the bottom line is that HE DID NOT WANT TO GO TO THAT PARTY. He would have done anything to avoid it. I reiterate there is NOTHING you could have handled better except walking away.

"He gets angry tells me either we leave right now, immediately or he's going alone." Even if you had said calmly, "Oh, OK. I'll see you later then." Best case scenario would be he'd have gone to his meeting (not the party)  without you, and when he told you that he had done so, you'd feel lied to. And he'd still blame you about the party. But he most likely would have just gotten angry exactly as he did.

Now had you known he didn't want to go to the party, then you could have handled it better, by saying "No problem, what else would you like to do?"

Please don't beat yourself up over this one. It was a no win situation unless you just chose not to participate.

Firstly you hit the nail right on the head with regards to the shower thing. Had I not, he would have given me a ton of grief, tell me that I never take care of myself, that I used to be so well groomed when he met and now I let myself smell bad. LOL. The irony? I shower and brush my teeth excessively whenever I'm around him and I put way less effort into my appearance and body odors when we first started dating.

The bigger irony? He gets angry if I decide style my hair or shower before we leave for somewhere, saying the I style my hair excessively or that I shouldn't put on any makeup. Yet, he will spend an hour before going somewhere shaving, flat ironing his long hair, and even uses concealer on his face to make him look less unkempt. He spent 25 minutes on Saturday picking out what combination of t-shirt, belt and jacket/hoodie he was going to wear to go to my parents for dinner. I'm usually ready for ANYTHING within 15 minutes. I style and wash my hair once every 4 days.

Best case scenario? He didn't have a working car and yes. He would have found something else to pick on. He'd be mad that I need to get my wallet or a bottle of water for the road. He got dressed for the meeting, this I'm sure of. He didn't want to admit that he was going to that, but his clothes said exactly that. He needs to portray a certain image around his political friends. He was going to tell me about it once we were on the road. Me asking why we had to rush and confronting him ruined that plan, so he gave up on it and then later tried to guilt me over it.  

You're right. This had nothing to do with me. But still no regrets. The rest of the night was nice and the whole weekend as a whole left me feeling really happy. Other than this altercation, the two week break we had from each other left him very happy to see me and our intimacy and connectedness was at an all time high throughout the 3 days we were together.

The only real downside is that his 37 yo roommate continues triangulation. She told him that the only reason I get upset and express anger and yell is because I am seeking attention like a little kid. That raising my voice makes me think I'm going to get my way and all that. There have been situations like that in the past, but I stopped reacting like that months ago. More often than not, it's pure frustration and good reason for me to leave the situation as opposed to escalating it. Being his roommate means that she wants him to think that she's on his side of the conflict, but she is also a huge source of stress for him. He wants to appease her so that he can keep the apartment since he doesn't have a lease and makes decisions that he isn't happy with, like asking me to leave earlier so that I`m not around too long for her to get irritated. When she found out I had to stay an extra night to be there to drive him to the autoparts store in the morning, I read into her reaction and she was annoyed. She even tried to say she could come down during her break from work and drive him.

She both recognises the dysfunction in him and feeds it. Around me she will confront him on not being such a 'drama queen' but behind my back she'll text him about how I'm in the wrong and how childish I'm being by not seeing that there's an issue.

[123Phoebe]

I'm sure there are a lot of people who will disagree with me. However, having done nearly this exact thing many times during H and my dating time, once my H had set something like this up, there is NOTHING I could have done right. Walk away is the ONLY thing I could have done.

I'm in full agreement with you, OffRoad

misuniadziubek, it sounds like your bf is just plain old disrespectful of you.  It also sounds like you recognize this on a conscious (enough) level to be posting about it on a message board

Until you get to a point where your self-respect takes the forefront of anything he throws your way (take your flat iron for instance!), "expect" this kind of shoddy behavior to continue because you're essentially telling him that it's okay to treat you this way by sticking around for perhaps more disrespect.

Respect isn't something we can ask for, it's earned by respecting ourselves.

Other than this altercation, the two week break we had from each other left him very happy to see me and our intimacy and connectedness was at an all time high throughout the 3 days we were together.

I get that the highs and lows can feel intoxicating, like being connected on some sort of astral level... .   Neither are sustainable, which (to me) is what these boards are all about; centering ourselves.  We need to be able to do this, in order for there to be order within our relationships.

Without the highs and lows, what's left?  That is where we find the truth and the reality of our relationships and it starts by being honest with ourselves and authentic with our partners.

Will the "real" misuniadziubek, please stand up... .

[formflier]

 

I'll give a    to 123Phoebe's comments about respecting yourself.


I'll also add a comment about focusing on "cleaning up your side of the street"... . it sounds like you are doing this by not yelling anymore... .not reacting.

I've very curious what you have replaced that behavior with.

Dropping unhealthy behavior is good... . replacing it with healthy behavior is even better.


Last comment for now... . "Trial Balloons"... . not a good tactic with pwBPD.  

Instead of threatening to go to a party without him... . you should have either dropped it all together... . no mention at all.

Or... . gotten ready and told him you are going.

All the middle ground stuff is just an area where he can pick and argue.

Does that make sense?

FF

[misuniadziubek]

misuniadziubek, it sounds like your bf is just plain old disrespectful of you.  It also sounds like you recognize this on a conscious (enough) level to be posting about it on a message board

Until you get to a point where your self-respect takes the forefront of anything he throws your way (take your flat iron for instance!), "expect" this kind of shoddy behavior to continue because you're essentially telling him that it's okay to treat you this way by sticking around for perhaps more disrespect.

Respect isn't something we can ask for, it's earned by respecting ourselves. 

You are absolutely correct. He is very disrespectful. He handed me the straightener this time, but there've been plenty of times where he's gone so far.

I think I've put the issue of disrespect on the back burner just until things become stable enough again that he was not dysregulating every couple of hours.

This board has been extremely helpful in terms of empowering me to set limits before. I had an occurrence where he hurt me physically by twisting me by the wrist pretty strongly, but because of the supportive messages I had been reading that very day about being weary of physical abuse in my relationship, I confronted the issue outright. I yelled out in pain, then left for about 10 minutes to calm down. Once I came back I told him I wasn't going to put up with him physically hurting me. He got angry and told me that if I was calling him abusive then I might as well leave right now. I calmly explained that I can understand him being frustrated at me hurting his burned hand by accident, but nothing warrants him retaliating by hurting me physically, and I made it very clear that despite how much I loved him and wanted to stay, I won't be in a relationship where I'm scared of my significant other.

That somehow really resonated with him because he apologised profusely and comforted me, promised he would tell me if I hurt him rather than show me and since that moment two months ago we haven't had any physical altercations.

Other than this altercation, the two week break we had from each other left him very happy to see me and our intimacy and connectedness was at an all time high throughout the 3 days we were together.

I get that the highs and lows can feel intoxicating, like being connected on some sort of astral level... .   Neither are sustainable, which (to me) is what these boards are all about; centering ourselves.  We need to be able to do this, in order for there to be order within our relationships.

Without the highs and lows, what's left?  That is where we find the truth and the reality of our relationships and it starts by being honest with ourselves and authentic with our partners.

Will the "real" misuniadziubek, please stand up... .

This is very true. I've been on the high, because it's all the things that made me fall so deeply in love in the first place. It's also given us ample opportunities to talk out what's going on in the relationship. He's more open, trusting, and even though I am very aware it's short lived, I can't help but suck it all up. He has taken the time to express his regrets of messing up his previous relationship, how terribly he realises he treated her. How badly he wishes he could take it back and be friends with his ex. Also, last night overheard a conversation by accident where he was telling someone how knowing how difficult and flawed he is, he really appreciates that he found someone who accepts and loves him all the same.

Saying that, I did a workshop on mindfulness, and it's true. I have to really look at things when things are neutral. Not bad, not good. Just there. I have to take more time to reflect on who I am. Maybe go back to meditating daily.

I'll also add a comment about focusing on "cleaning up your side of the street"... . it sounds like you are doing this by not yelling anymore... .not reacting.

I've very curious what you have replaced that behavior with.

Dropping unhealthy behavior is good... . replacing it with healthy behavior is even better.


Last comment for now... . "Trial Balloons"... . not a good tactic with pwBPD. 

Instead of threatening to go to a party without him... . you should have either dropped it all together... . no mention at all.

Or... . gotten ready and told him you are going.

All the middle ground stuff is just an area where he can pick and argue.

Does that make sense?

FF

I've replaced a lot of the yelling and reactions with simply explaining my feelings in the moment. He tends to interrupt me, but I keep going.

Like... . " When you tell M that you're leaving me here as opposed to telling me, I feel betrayed. It makes me angry because I think we should be a team. "

He interrupts me " yeah but you weren't listening, so I went to M, you gave me no other choice.

"That might be possible, but M doesn't have anything to do with our relationship. I need you to talk to me before anyone, so we don't involve anyone else in our problems."

Conversations like that. It's calmer and less invalidating as far as I see it. Makes me feel a lot less defensive as well.

Trial balloons. I've never heard of that but I get what you mean. In the moment I realised I was going in a bad direction and instantly recanted the threat. It's an immature response and I told him I didn't mean that, that I'm simply really disappointed with the situation, but willing to accept it.

Gah. The roommate thing with M is stressful for me.

[formflier]

Good responses... .

Do you understand why recanting threats is bad for you r/s?  What is your understanding of this?

FF