Sabotage

[Weno]

I am just wondering if others have experienced the sabotaging and devaluing of their goals and dreams. My husband will devalue any activity I undertake or enjoy. He will be angry, resentful each time I engage in the activity. He will make it difficult for me to attend or complete. If I persist he will achieve by shear inertia what he did not achieve by foul attitude. Leaves me with the full responsibility of house and children so that I cannot achieve my goals. For example, I have just had to withdraw from tertiary studies for the sixth time in out 30 year relationship due to lack of support. He never helps with the family so I can study. Does my having my own life goals that are separate from him somehow threaten him? It happens with everything from attending dog obedience with the family pet to my study/career goals. Over the years I have lost my career, qualifications, become increasingly isolated and lonely. When he finally walked out, I realised I had not one other person to call on. This cannot be normal surely? I usually give up the fight because I am so sick of his anger and resentment. I feel ashamed of who I am, and the things I enjoy or hope to achieve, like I am doing something wrong?

Also, we were in a church fellowship for several decades. I am still a committed believer in Christ but my husband dropped God a few years ago. It seems that his behaviour has deteriorated since he gave God the flick. While we had that common value system, the relationship, while difficult, seemed much more manageable. He tried to behave in a kind way most of the time. Now he lies, deceives, does things he knows will hurt me seemingly without remorse. He always has a "reason" for what he does. These range from "you have to many children" (they are our children), to "I just did it". Has anyone else experienced something similar?

[Fraggle12]

Yes. It all sounds familiar. I gave up a professional job because I couldn't manage his episodes and a stressful job too. He wanted me to leave my job. He said it took over our lives. Didn't leave time for us. He want to be 'man of the house'. The first day of my not working, he gave up his job! And we had many months with no income. And have had many more since.

I took up crafts, because he said I was always flitting around, being busy and it made him feel guilty. Now, I 'don't keep house' properly and I've always got my head in a project!

I've tried different relaxation courses (wonder why I need them?) but they are a waste of our money and are ALWAYS at an inconvenient time.

When I organise family celebrations, there is always always an episode either the day before or on the day, so I'm stressed and unable to fully enjoy the time (with my children, who he resents because he never had any) and he will either stay in bed and just come down to eat or, as at Easter, even leave the table between courses and go to sit in another room and sit at the table in silence staring at his plate whilst eating!

So yes, sabotage is the name of the game in our house too. Sad isn't it!

[Michelle27]

Yup, happened in my house too.  Many of my trips to see a favorite music group or my annual trip to Vegas had huge rages immediately before or just after I got back.  Drove me crazy.  And then there were the 3 different marriage counselors I dragged us to and the couple's communication course that he also admits now that he sabotaged. *sigh*

[Smileypants]

Happened and is still happening to me.  Everything from my business, to putting the kids in Karate, to Organizing the house, to a new job possibility.  No matter what it seems that he wants me to fail, he will tell me how I am going to screw it up, how I AM going to fail. With my business he tells my I'm "just playing", a New job must be a scam because who would pay me $12 per hour.  Then if it doesn't work out I get the I "i told you" . If I do anything away from home, it's "your taking away from family time, but he rarely participates in family time.  Accuse me of taking his time with the kids, but again he doesn't spend family time with the kids.  He's usually napping or watching tv or on a game on his phone.  Also all responsibility for the house & kids falls to me.  He also sabotages family events or events with my friends (badgers me till we leave, talks s**t about everybody there to the point where it is embarrassing, or he will make himself the center of attention (whether or not anyone else wants to hear it).  This doesn't happen to much anymore because I don't really my see friends anymore.  And as far as family, I see my mom, aunt & brother - but not at my house for the most part.  So yeah, he sabotages most of my life.  It nuts how it's become "normal".  I've been really thinking about how "normal" his behavior has become.  So many behaviors are so wrong when I really think about it.  I feel like that is part of their process, they keep you so confused that you can't think straight.

[Lucky Jim]

Yup.  My BPDxW made it extremely difficult for me to pursue the things, like tennis and art lessons, that brought me joy.  She made my family and friends feel unwelcome in our house and belittled them to me behind their backs.  I reached a point where I was no longer doing the things that made me happy and no longer seeing the people with whom I enjoyed spending time.  I was extremely isolated and forgot who I was for a while there.  Not fun!  Awful feeling when you lose the friends, family and activities that mean the most.  To paraphrase Dante, I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.  Of course I let it happen, though it was a gradual process of losing an inch here and an inch there, until pretty soon I had lost a mile of ground.  At that point, i was a shadow of my former self.  Fortunately, some kind friends and family members intervened and gave me the strength to leave.  They saved my life.

LuckyJim

[an0ught]

Hi Weno,

what you experienced as Sabotage is closely related to what is known as Invalidation. Invalidation is one of the core mechanisms in the BPD condition. Self invalidation is often the cause of the pwBPD being unable to regulate emotions. Invalidation of others is the most common mechanism that pwBPD use to turn their environment hostile to themselves (invalidation from the pwBPD begets invalidation from our side). A depressed pwBPD may well prefer a hostile environment to a healthy one as it confirms the inner pain and soothes it. In therapy a pwBPD learn healthier ways to sooth themselves e.g. self validation. On the staying board we focus on breaking the mutual invalidation cycle on the non BPD side.

In a relationship with a pwBPD we can protect us against invalidation with boundaries and validation skills.

Continuous invalidation can be quite damaging to your self esteem  . Writing up your experiences and sharing them is one way to process it a bit and is a good way to use the board. Reaching out and rebuild healthy relationships is another. A therapist might also be of help to you.

PS: We have less material on invalidation and more on validation - think of invalidation as the opposite of validation and find more on the topic here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation